Here is Erik [with a K] reading Sea Fever by John Masefield recommended by Steve Heineman:
What poem would you love to hear Erik [with a K] read next? Leave your reply in the comments and if you enjoyed this, please SHARE it with your people
Category: fun
More people have cellphones than they do toilets.
A startling fact according to a recent study made by the U.N. is that out of the world’s estimated 7 billion people, 6 billion have access to mobile phones, while only 4.5 billion have access to working toilets. This is a deeply disturbing fact, although that was back in 2013 and so hopefully we have moved on a lot from then.
What is a far less serious misfortune is that very rarely, but on the odd occasion, you walk into the bathroom, secure yourself behind a locked door, assume the position and as you begin to do “your business” you realise that you left your phone in the other room.
Oh no! What to do, what to do? Facebook will be left unchecked, you can’t attempt another deep-sounding philosophising tweet and that Pinterest Ninja Turtle birthday cupcake recipe will have to wait. But don’t stress, because i have sourced and dreamed up some of the Top Things you can do when you forget to take your phone into the loo and with credit to @cathjenkin for the idea, here they are:
[10] Sudoku. i mean EVERYONE loves a good puzzle, right. But without your phone, how are you going to manage this one? Well, relax in the knowledge that TPWTMTOTH [The People With Too Much Time On Their Hands] have thought of of everything. Everything!
[9] T’porigami. Oh sure, anyone can come up with reasonably folded flower, heart or bow:
But it’s going to take you a couple of visits of practising before you’re quite at the point of weight-lifting man:
Yes, yes…or weight-lifting woman!
[8] Dress-up. Everyone loves a good costume party and with all those spare toilet paper rolls at your disposal, why do you have to be any different? Oh sure, you can’t Instagram it for posterity cos ‘No Phone!’ but this can be a secret paradise opportunity for you to try out those costumes you never got to wear. In fact, with some good research beforehand, you could soon be an expert like Nina Katchadourian, known for recreating 15th century portraits using only toilet paper in an airplane loo.
[7] Try a new position. Not something you would typically associate with your toilet time, but now with books like Toilet Yoga: Because Sometimes Sh*t Doesn’t Happen and Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-blowing Ways to Poop to help us get our creative juices flowing, you’ll be coming up with your own personalised ones in no time:
From Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop
[6] Fingernail Piercing. Cos stylish yeah? But whoever has time for that? [i know i don’t!]
But with a carefully placed candle and a handy needle, you can start creating the hole and dreaming up all manner of things to decorate it with later:
[5] Plan in advance. Why stress over your own ideas when Linda Wright has already taken so much time doing that for you? With this handy book slipped into your bag before an evening of dinner at a friends, you will be crafting the minutes away in no time. [Not quite sure what qualifies for Linda as ‘special occasions’ but i’m sure you’ll figure it out]
[4] Make-up. Because of the rush whenever you are having to get ready for an event, who ever has time to experiment with the colour, right? Well here is your perfect opportunity, especially in a toilet facing a mirror, and maybe even more so with the freedom that is added by one that isn’t:
Guys, note that this does NOT exclude you, although you may need to sneak some ‘supplies’ out of your girlfriend’s purse before making your way to the John.
And, of course if you do have that little bit of extra time in there, because of, #cough#, well, you know, then you have the opportunity to really put that little bit of extra effort in:
[3] Drum. Everyone loves to work a beat and when you’re behind closed doors, no-one is policing you rhythm. If you plan ahead of time you can keep an actual djembe in the chamber, so that you play up a storm. But if you’re not quite there in the planning stage, you can grab a magazine, use the wall or your lap or even go for combination vibes to get bring that African effect to the Nature that is Calling. [This especially works well if you’re in the middle of embarrassingly loud gas bomb expulsions because, hey, “Don’t mind the drummer people!”]
If the djmebe is not quite your vibe, well Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues have this informative clip suggesting some popular alternatives that may work for you.
[2] Christen your poo. We’ve all read the ‘Different Names of Poo’ lists. What? You haven’t?
So most of us will be familiar with such classics as:
WET CHEEKS POOP: The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOP: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
CORK POO : ( Also known as a floater.) Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in the bowel. Oh My! How do I get rid of it??
and of course, KING KONG POO : This one is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of poo usually happens at someone else’s house.
But what new and inventive monikers can you bring to the world of Crap-Naming?
[1] If all else fails, have a friend over. If it’s good enough for the Sochi Winter Olympics, then it should be good enough for you. This one clearly needs some foresight and planning, but before you know it you’ll be sharing sports stories, gossiping about the hosts awful ‘do and reminiscing about those good old days…
How about you? Have any other ideas of how to stay entertained on the porcelain palace when you forget your phone? And which of these Top Ten was your personal favourite?
If you enjoyed this, please do SHARE it around. If you read this while actually sitting on the toilet, take two moments to appreciate the irony and then pass it on to your friends. And if your favourite was ‘number 2’ well that’s just ironical as well…
Imagine waking up one morning and going online and seeing a semi-naked-sprawled-out-on-the-bed-alongside-your-Improv-friend picture of yourself circling the internet…
Cause for panic, right? You’d think so, unless the picture was this one:
Which i woke up to a week or so ago and was like ‘Holy Crapamole, what’s my wife going to think?’
Fortunately tbV was awake and laughing at it in the other room and so we just jumped on the banned wagon and helped spread it around.
WE GOT YOU, BABE
The purpose of the poster i had previously been aware of and that was the oncoming event [which started last night] of a week of Imprompt2 shows where FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, the incredible Megan Furniss [who imported Improv to Cape Town and began TheatreSports, now Improguise, Cape Town’s longest running show and apparently best kept secret] is going to do a night of two person Improv with a different person every night from Tues to Saturday.
The shows are each going to be slightly longer than that last sentence, at 55 minutes, and will be played with the incredible Anne Hirsch, Ryan Jales, Carolyn Lewis and finished off by Tandi Buchan. aka this beautiful bunch:
55 minutes on stage doing Improv with no other backup, no members waiting on the side of the stage to jump in and save, no muso to provide background music or the base for a song, and two settings of light: mostly on and mostly off. This is Improv almost at its dangerous best [it’s absolute dangerous best would be last year when Megan performed a one-woman Improv show].
Was i nervous? Absolutely. But more that i would be too similiar characters throughout the show [didn’t happen] or that the 5 people we had booked by late afternoon would be it [wasn’t – we had a delightful audience] but for the show itself i was excited anticipationary, adrenalin-filled and just so ready to Go Go Go!
THE SHOW
Let’s get this right out there. You had to be there. And so if you weren’t, whatever words follow are largely just for me and possibly to help you become really sad that you missed it and that besides our generous loving invested audience, no-one else will ever see what happened ever again. But i can try give you a glimpse…
We literally had NO IDEA what we were going to do. We had one light ‘rule’ that we were going to try and use, or not, which was that one way of changing scene would be to take a word, phrase or sentence that the other actor had spoken and repeat it as a way to start a brand new scene.
So we interviewed the audience. “What did any of you expect to see tonight? Or hope you would see? Or want to see?” They stared back at us. Nothing.
“Okay, so let’s bring it down a notch. Does anyone have a favourite colour?” Red.
“What does red make you think of?” Roses. [We’re getting somewhere, slooooowly]
“And what do roses make you think of?” Love. Thorns. “Ah, so we have the optimistic romantic side of the audience over here and the cynical bunch over there.” [nervous laugh]
So then Megan got bold with, “So can anyone share a story they have which involves a rose?”
No lies. From right at the back, someone [who, let’s be honest is a friend of mine] speaks out, “I once smelled a rose.”
We look at each other. Maybe we should just start.
And so we did. And without having a clue where anything would go, and with not a single accent, character or idea i’d been practising in front of my mirror all day emerging at any point [yay for that] we produced some magic and the majority of it was really pretty amazing, and some was really odd, and a whole lot of the really odd stuff was pretty amazing.
One of the oddest moments, and personal highlights of the show was an interaction between Megan and i where she from the left of the stage called out to me, sitting on a chair at the right and eventually came over to join me, clearly climbing over rows of things to get to me.
“Where’d you get all the sticks?”
“I bought them… at the hardware store.”
[pause] “Why do they have all those fingers on them?”
“To keep the badgers away.”
[pause] “But there are no badgers here?”
“Yes, they’re really effective.”
You can. not. make. that. stuff. up.
Oh, but we did, and more. [And if you heard the creepy accents we were using for that scene, just imagine it 1000 times better]
But from Megan’s Energiser Bunny skills demonstration for a secretary job interview, to pulling a Spanish guy out of the audience to interrogate him [who only said “Que?” and who i thought was taking the piss, but turned out to be really just a Spanish guy and so completely Fawlty Towers moment right there], to King of the Ice Throne [which you can’t lick!] whose bird Gabriel had to be eaten when he ran out of snacks, to the waitress at the French Cafe who offered ‘Cafe de Mime’ which is a coffee and mime combo, to being asked to dictate a 13 word poem, where each word rhymed, had three syllables and ended with X [which technically i pulled off, even if the ‘X’ was silent] to a weird strange alien creature who spoke in garbled sounds interaction, to telepathic CV’s, an on the spot song called ‘There’s a Fish in my Wine Glass’, a funeral where the roses had been made out of paper mache [by the woman, whose mom had died,’s husband’s ex] and finishing off with a Captain Jack counselling session featuring some Pilates of the Caribbean which you couldn’t really observe because it was all core.
And probably more – it was incredible to see what we fit into 55 minutes – but it was dangerous [pulling an audience member on stage] and delightful and risky and fun and brilliant and when i walked off the stage i was instantly disappointed that Anne, Ryan, Carolyn and Tandi were playing the next four nights and not Brett, Brett, Brett and Brett. Except that they will be great and there will be a slightly different format per show and i really wish i could watch them all.
This is addictive stuff people. Be warned.
And so Big Huge Giant Tremendous thanks to Megan for trusting me and letting me go first and kick the week off. And for just absolutely diving in with everything and being so generous in both taking and receiving offers. i look forward to Impromt2 II
If you’re in Cape Town, GO AND WATCH A SHOW – Tuesday to Thursday. Do it!
“THAT… IS COMPLETE AND UTTER… RUBBISH!” D muttered, before slamming the door on his way out.
B hated his roommate!
Oh sure, it had seemed like a good idea at the time. Move in with Death? Everyone had been completely jealous. What in the world could be more exciting than that?
And to be honest, in the beginning it had been.
The thrill of watching the sand slowly pouring through the hourglasses. Sneaking a quick peek at whose time was coming next when the old boneshaker was asleep [or at least his version of ‘asleep’ which really meant sitting upright on a chair at the dining table with a pillowcase over his skull to block out some of the light – it could be fairly disconcerting if you walked into the room and found him there].
B’s personal highlight was watching Death struggle awkwardly every single time he mounted his horse Binky before he took off on a job. Every. Single. Time. Why he, Death, chose to ride a real live horse was beyond him. Something dramatic no doubt. Death was nothing short of dramatic.
And yet, as time passed, and in this apartment time really did pass, the initial thrill had worn off quickly.
Death had refused to let him take a look at his own hourglass, muttering something about it not being in the rules, and had kept it well hidden in a secured location somewhere B had as yet been unable to discover.
Oh, and let’s face it, B thought to himself yet again, Death was also a bit of a dick.
He paused for a moment and looked back at his painting. It really wasn’t THAT bad, he thought, before slipping his brush back into the grey and dabbing at the bowl of fruit he was trying to re-create. His mind returned once more to his thoughts about his roommate.
He refused to do his share of the dishes, he always left stuff lying around the apartment, who knows WHAT that thing was in the container right at the back of the fridge – it was beginning to smell beyond bad, and if he paid the most careful of attention as he moved his eyes away from looking directly at it, his peripheral vision was pretty convinced it was starting to move.
B poked once more at the banana, which was starting to look a bit like a… like a… well, clearly not all that much like a banana. He carefully put down the brush, and sighed.
It wasn’t like he didn’t have time to clear up after Death. His own work was so tedious, he was frankly glad any time he came home to find any form of distraction to busy himself with. After another hard day of what? Distributing kitten and baby videos on the various social network platforms. Organising weather forecasts for London.School history orals, political speakers, library visits and apartment bathroom floor tile selection. Not quite the stuff to make a poor ageing mum proud.
‘Maybe I am jealous? Could that be it?’
B picked up his latest creation. ‘Creation’ is a bit of a strong word for this, he thought to himself. ‘Attempt.’ Yes, that’s better. Just.
He took it into his bedroom and tossed it uncaringly on the pile with all the others. Take up a hobby? Whatever had he been thinking?
He threw himself on to his bed and within minutes he had completely succumbed to ennui and despair.
‘Ooh, this is good,’ he thought out loud. ‘This i can use. Perhaps i shall keep that up after all.’
= = = = = = = = = = = =
[With a wink and a nod to the late legend, Terry Pratchett, whose portrayal of Death [my absolute favouritest character of his] i borrowed from to help make my story realer, and whose birthday it would have been yesterday as i wrote this]
= = = = = = = = = = = =
This post is part of a tandem blogging exercise with 9 other bloggerists. One title unwrapped by nine bloggerists. We realise that 9 is a lot of posts to read, but there is a lot of great stuff to be looked at, so please do your best. Why not start with Cath’s post over here, followed by Scott which you can find over here. Welcome Kerry who is new to the team by reading what she came up with over here. Then the rest of the posts can be found below. Maybe bookmark this page and spend the next week checking all of them out. Please share your thoughts on our fun exercise in the comments on each post, and remember that with bloggerists, sharing is always caring.
Cath: https://t.co/98AE4tkase
Scott: http://squidsquirts.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-art-of-boredom.html
Kerry: https://t.co/zEWHwIT1kh
James: http://www.jamespreston.org/2015/04/the-art-of-boredom.html
Megan: http://www.meganshead.co.za/the-art-of-boredom
Sarah: https://t.co/rHoS76QhMt
Dave: http://t.co/2G0tFmSrSn
Nick: https://medium.com/@nick_frost/the-art-of-boredom-e5da71765c91
[To see the first Tandem Post i did with the title, ‘Meeting the Queen’, click here]
Many years ago, i went to visit two of my greatest plutonic girl friends, Sam Gardyne and Debbie Payne.
i met them at a Baptist Youth Summer Camp in Kimberly and for some reason we just clicked and they became two of my favourite people in life, and remained that way for ever, despite us hardly ever getting enough time to see each other.
But about once a year Continue reading
i have lived [and continue to live] a full life…
The other day i posted about how my wife organised Black Widow and Hulk costumes so that we could watch the new Avengers: Age of Ultron movie dressed up.
i also returned home from my trip to Durban to find that she had discovered an old stack of photos from my life with some really crazy hairstyles and some crazier life moments documented right there before her eyes. Continue reading
Oh sure, you type LOL, but not while you are ever actually laughing out loud – you wouldn’t have the stability…
But in the meantime let’s take some time out to appreciate five more quotes from my favourite actual LOL guy, Jack Handey:
‘Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are.’ [Jack Handey]
‘One thing that a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.’ [Jack Handey]
‘I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.’ [Jack Handey]
‘To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.’ [Jack Handey]
‘Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.” [Jack Handey]
Any of these come close to making you really actually LOL? Or do you have your own favourite Jack Handey to share? Let us know in the comments section below…
[To return to the beginning of this Jack Handey series and read more quotes, click here]
![it's the end of the world as we [me, R.E.M. and Stephan Pastis] know it...](https://brettfish.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/pearlsend.jpg?w=40&h=40&crop=1){kind=small}
Irresistibly Fish 