Top 10 things to do when you forgot to take your phone to the bathroom with you.

More people have cellphones than they do toilets.

A startling fact according to a recent study made by the U.N. is that out of the world’s estimated 7 billion people, 6 billion have access to mobile phones, while only 4.5 billion have access to working toilets. This is a deeply disturbing fact, although that was back in 2013 and so hopefully we have moved on a lot from then.

What is a far less serious misfortune is that very rarely, but on the odd occasion, you walk into the bathroom, secure yourself behind a locked door, assume the position and as you begin to do “your business” you realise that you left your phone in the other room.

Oh no! What to do, what to do? Facebook will be left unchecked, you can’t attempt another deep-sounding philosophising tweet and that Pinterest Ninja Turtle birthday cupcake recipe will have to wait. But don’t stress, because i have sourced and dreamed up some of the Top Things you can do when you forget to take your phone into the loo and with credit to @cathjenkin for the idea, here they are:

[10] Sudoku. i mean EVERYONE loves a good puzzle, right. But without your phone, how are you going to manage this one? Well, relax in the knowledge that TPWTMTOTH [The People With Too Much Time On Their Hands] have thought of of everything. Everything!

[9] T’porigami. Oh sure, anyone can come up with reasonably folded flower, heart or bow:

But it’s going to take you a couple of visits of practising before you’re quite at the point of weight-lifting man:

Yes, yes…or weight-lifting woman!

[8] Dress-up. Everyone loves a good costume party and with all those spare toilet paper rolls at your disposal, why do you have to be any different? Oh sure, you can’t Instagram it for posterity cos ‘No Phone!’ but this can be a secret paradise opportunity for you to try out those costumes you never got to wear. In fact, with some good research beforehand, you could soon be an expert like Nina Katchadourian, known for recreating 15th century portraits using only toilet paper in an airplane loo.

[7] Try a new position. Not something you would typically associate with your toilet time, but now with books like Toilet Yoga: Because Sometimes Sh*t Doesn’t Happen and Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-blowing Ways to Poop to help us get our creative juices flowing, you’ll be coming up with your own personalised ones in no time:

From Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop

[6] Fingernail Piercing. Cos stylish yeah? But whoever has time for that? [i know i don’t!]

But with a carefully placed candle and a handy needle, you can start creating the hole and dreaming up all manner of things to decorate it with later:

[5] Plan in advance. Why stress over your own ideas when Linda Wright has already taken so much time doing that for you? With this handy book slipped into your bag before an evening of dinner at a friends, you will be crafting the minutes away in no time. [Not quite sure what qualifies for Linda as ‘special occasions’ but i’m sure you’ll figure it out]

[4] Make-up. Because of the rush whenever you are having to get ready for an event, who ever has time to experiment with the colour, right? Well here is your perfect opportunity, especially in a toilet facing a mirror, and maybe even more so with the freedom that is added by one that isn’t:

Guys, note that this does NOT exclude you, although you may need to sneak some ‘supplies’ out of your girlfriend’s purse before making your way to the John.

And, of course if you do have that little bit of extra time in there, because of, #cough#, well, you know, then you have the opportunity to really put that little bit of extra effort in:

 [3] Drum. Everyone loves to work a beat and when you’re behind closed doors, no-one is policing you rhythm. If you plan ahead of time you can keep an actual djembe in the chamber, so that you play up a storm. But if you’re not quite there in the planning stage, you can grab a magazine, use the wall or your lap or even go for combination vibes to get bring that African effect to the Nature that is Calling. [This especially works well if you’re in the middle of embarrassingly loud gas bomb expulsions because, hey, “Don’t mind the drummer people!”]

If the djmebe is not quite your vibe, well Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues have this informative clip suggesting some popular alternatives that may work for you.

[2] Christen your poo. We’ve all read the ‘Different Names of Poo’ lists. What? You haven’t?

So most of us will be familiar with such classics as:

WET CHEEKS POOP: The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOP: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

CORK POO : ( Also known as a floater.) Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in the bowel. Oh My! How do I get rid of it??

and of course, KING KONG POO : This one is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of poo usually happens at someone else’s house.

But what new and inventive monikers can you bring to the world of Crap-Naming?

[1] If all else fails, have a friend over. If it’s good enough for the Sochi Winter Olympics, then it should be good enough for you. This one clearly needs some foresight and planning, but before you know it you’ll be sharing sports stories, gossiping about the hosts awful ‘do and reminiscing about those good old days…

How about you? Have any other ideas of how to stay entertained on the porcelain palace when you forget your phone? And which of these Top Ten was your personal favourite?

If you enjoyed this, please do SHARE it around. If you read this while actually sitting on the toilet, take two moments to appreciate the irony and then pass it on to your friends. And if your favourite was ‘number 2’ well that’s just ironical as well…

[For more great lists of LOLment, click here]

Best of the Mash

So my other blog, The Weekly Mash [and Peace!] has been running for close to 3 months now and it’s interesting to note what the most popular posts have been so far – as each day has a different theme i thought it would be good to look at the top performer for each day in terms of visits, reads and shares and so here they are:

Monday = Fun Day – Humour: It amuses me completely that Cloud man is the most popular post i have had on the new blog out of all of them because this is one of those strange random things that for some reason never fails to put a smile on my face, no matter how often i look at it: I give you Cloud Ambition Man

Tuesday = News Day – Local/International news stories that grab my attention. It was quite interesting that it was the two marriage articles dealing with Will and Jada Pinkett Smith and also Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner that got the most interest in this category although maybe that just says something about our draw towards celebrity. I am hoping more people will engage with Tuesdays and share their interesting/bizarre/life-giving stories so that is can be a sharing of reads worth checking out but here is that post in the meantime.

Wednesday = Wed Day – Relationships and not just dating or marriage but friendship and all other types as well – there were two that were pretty close at the top here so i will include them both, namely the one on leaving the door open when a friendship has gone bad/difficult and then this more children/parent focused one, although it can apply to all relationships in terms of being present and available.

Thursdays = Thirsty – Spiritual matters and this has been quite a popular day and i’ve looked at a variety of quite diverse topics, but it was this post that got created and influenced by Twitter as i was writing it on the John Piper saga [and the importance of understanding messages in context] that unfolded in the wake of the recent tornado.

Friday = My day and really just the opportunity to write about whatever i choose to which again lends itself to quite a variety of posts which have received different interest depending on the topic but it was this post called ‘Blessed are the Geeks’ on the effects of labelling people that really got people’s attention and feedback.

Favourable mention must got to yesterday’s video clip with the woman with the nail in her head [on listening in relationships and not just giving the answers, even when they seem obvious; the human dummy ventriloquist and boy with tape on his face; this post on loving people especially when you don’t feel like it; and  Jesus’ response to a young man who was about to reject His message.

If you missed any of those, this is a good way to catch up on some of the very best… hope there is something you will enjoy.