Tag Archive: list


Not too long ago i shared a list of 10 Things i struggle to get my mind around

This was quite a varied lists of topics and included such items as pineapple on pizza, litter [special mention to cigarette butts out car windows], people’s confusion with regards to four way stops, recent Adam Sandler movies [bonus cameo by Will Ferrell], the ‘joke’ insult, make-your-best-friend-look-and-act-like-a-tit bachelor party vibes, the difference between adopted children and real children, why it seems so important to everyone else that tbV and i want children [when we don’t], the amount of homelessness in South Africa compared to the amount of golf courses we have [1047 apparently], and the fees that soccer/football players get paid [with honourable mention to movie actors, singers, politicians, CEOs etc etc].

But turns out there are some more things i don’t quite understand [who would’ve thought?] and so here is my list of 10 More Things i Don’t Quite Understand… Which one do you resonate with the most? 

[10] Pickles

Burger with pickles on

Urgh, please stoppit! i know i gave cooked pineapple center stage last time but this one is probably actually worse for me. i could maybe queasy myself through a cooked pineapple if there was something to be polite about, but pickles are a much harder one. STOP PUTTING THEM ON MY BURGER. And possibly even # gasp # worse than raiSINs in this regard cos once a thing has had pickles in the taste is there for life – you remove the pickles and give me the burger and it still tastes disgustingly like pickle aka gerkhin. Please, for the love of food, STOPPIT!

[9] Hating raiSINS but only in things or out of things.

Now if you have known me for any length of time, there is a huge likelihood that you will know of my hatred of raiSINs. Yes, you may think you hate them, but not as much as me. Oh really? Did you write and record TWO anti-raiSIN songs? [Or notice that the word SIN is very obviously nestled there right in the middle of the word] Or have an evening raiSIN-burning ceremony in a back garden one time? Okay you get it, i lead that race.

garfield

i LOVE that Garfield hates them too. And actually a decent amount of other cartoon characters as well, do some research.

And it is not so much raiSINs that i don’t understand – i just hate them. Do you let an apple go black in the sun and then proclaim it the kind of food worth sticking into every dessert? Urgh, you probably would, hey? But where my confusion lies is in the two kinds of people you get who say they hate raiSINs, but… Those people i don’t understand.

“I hate raiSINs, but I can eat them by themselves.”

“I hate raiSINs, but I can eat them in things.”

i have met both types of people on many occasions and i just do. not. get. it. Pick a side. Stop straddling the fence. i’ve even met someone who said they hated raiSINs but could eat them with peanuts. WHAT? Mind blown. Just stoppit.

Oh, and i also started the ‘i hate raiSINs’ group on facebook and if you’re a true believer then you should really join. But none of you “I hate them, but…” people.

[8] Lateness without alert.

i must admit that i struggle to not be late sometimes. Someone pointed it out as a character trait of an extrovert in a sense of trying to cram as much stuff into the space of time available as possible, which really resonated with me. But it is not cool to be late and i am trying to be better at not being late

But Capetonians [in particular] seem to take it to another level. And my not understandingness here is more along the lines of possessing the knowledge that you are going to be late and doing nothing with it. So being late is still rude and i own that and need to do better. But if i am going to be late i will send a Watapp or drop a text or send out one of my carrier pigeons or something to let the person being lated upon know. Does that make it okay? No, unless you’ve been in a  car accident or just helped someone give birth on the pavement, it is still generally not okay. But it makes such a huge difference when you have the courtesy [cos it is just plain and complete rudeness to not] to at least let the person who will be waiting for you know, that they will be waiting.

Some people i know are serial laters and just seem to have absolutely no clue or care at all. i was at the party of a friend where we waited for more than 40 minutes for a booked meal and the people didn’t even pitch up at all [some came really late but some didn’t even show] and gave my friend absolutely no warning or message to say “Go ahead without us.” It feels like absolute rudeness to know you are going to be late for something and not to tell someone.

This is an area many of us can do better on. So lets. And work on the lateness as well.

late

[7] Technology Abuse

Last night tbV and i popped into a restaurant for a quick snack after a long day and she drew my attention to the table behind me. Four people and three of them were deeply engrossed in their phones. i don’t get that and both tbV and myself have worked hard at reducing the negative impact that technology has on our relationship, especially at home and in the bedroom. i understand how easy it is for people to get caught up in that stuff but it is important to get to a place where you control technology and it does not control you.

When we have held our Deep Dive Conversation Dinner we have introduced the idea of the Phone Basket [which we have used at other family events as well to good effect] where everyone mutes their phone and sticks it in a basket as they arrive and gets it back when they leave. Intentional focus on the conversation at hand and removing distraction.

i love the idea i heard about of people in a restaurant putting their phones in the middle of the table and the first person who reaches for their phone any time during the meal foots the bill. A few rounds of that and some people might learn. If you are choosing to be with me [like you meet me somewhere for coffee] then be with me. If you have something more important to do or someone else you’d rather chat to or a wrong number you will even give preference to then rather go somewhere else and be with someone else.

[6] Phone light in the movies aka Technology Abuse II

This could be a whole post in itself. i don’t get to see as many movies as i used to and so it typically is a bit of a special event when it happens. Advert time is okay because get your stuff done. Trailer time and things are starting to get dangerous cos anyone who knows me well knows i proclaim trailer time as the most important time or as important as the movie. But once the movie has started you had better have your phone closed, muted and tucked away in your pocket, because if that thing lights up and i have something throwable [i am not advocating violence – i’m talking soft and bouncy more than likely] it will be aimed at your head and i am not the best shot so think of those sitting two rows behind you!

This makes me really mad. i paid a lot of good money to be in that movie and i assume you did as well so if you would rather be on your phone then save yourself the money and if you don’t want me getting verbally aggressive on you then keep it off and away and for the love of the movie experience make sure you have turned all the bits that make sound off. And if you don’t know how to mute your phone then you don’t qualify for being able to watch movies.

i once had a guy sitting next to me in a movie answer a call from a friend loudly in the movie where he was sitting. It was between Baptist Summer Camps and we were in Kimberley and he was a huge farmer type and it was a Leon Schuster movie so no great loss. But in any other movie just no.

[5] People who talk or text on their phones while driving

phone

This is a bit of a tricky one cos, being a guilty villain, more so in the past, i completely understand the why of it. But having witnessed accidents and near misses and people on phones driving ridiculously and realising myself the lack of concentration that goes into a phone moment no matter how good you think you are this one should be a no brainer.

Know that if you are caught on your phone anywhere in the vicinity of a peppermint green coloured Hyundai Getz there is a HUGE likelihood that either tbV or myself will let you know that we are not a big fan in a variety of ways that might involve LOUD HOOTING, Angry Fist, Shake of Head or a combination of those and more.

i have really tried to cut it out completely myself. THERE IS NO EXCUSE. It is dangerous and it costs lives. If, in some rare moment, where i deem the need to shoot off this quick text and you catch me, i more than expect and welcome and encourage you to LOUD HOOT, Angry Fist, Shake of Head or a combination of those in my direction. It is not okay. This one freaks me out. Whatever excuses you are giving yourself, STOPPIT STOPPIT STOPPIT. It can wait. It can always wait. And if it can’t then pull over as i often do, send off that quick text and then carefully get back on the road again.

It is just not worth it. Ever. Think of yourself as a potential murderer, cos there is every likelihood. If you do it with a child in your car, that makes you an unfit parent right there.

Wow. That escalated quickly.

[4] The amount of pee on the floor around public toilets.

Seriously people, or at least guy people, that’s a lot of pee. How about we pretend we’re at your house for a moment. Or your friend’s house. Or a public toilet. It works the same. Aim for the hole.

Toilet signs

[3] People who make their minds up before asking the question.

i enjoy meat, but have also felt uneasy about a lot of what goes into getting meat to my table. Recently i invited a number of my Vegetarian friends to share their stories of why they became Vegetarian and challenged some friends to join us in a week of meat-free-ness as tbV and i were much challenged by the stories we read. i don’t have a problem with people who ask the question [Let me take a look at how meat gets to my table] and then chooses to continue eating meat as much as i do with people who never ask the question. One reason we didn’t ask for so long [and there are still some questions we are probably too afraid to ask right now] was because we feared the answer would mean us having to give up meat, but if the answer was for us to give up meat then we really needed to ask the question and see. As opposed to burying our heads in the sand.

This is just one example – when it comes to conversations about ‘White Privilege’ so many white people have a strong negative reaction before they take the time to really hear what we are talking about [and often have a completely different understanding of the term and idea than the one we are talking about] and it is so confusing for me to see conversations end before they have even begun. Ask the question. And then stand by your answer.

Is there a God? Is Christianity the way to connect with Him? Is religion important or necessary at all? At least ask the question. I can deal with your atheism or agnosticism a lot easier if i know you have gone there. And for many people who are Christian because their parents were or cos you’ve always gone to church, you need to be asking the question too. Believe what you believe because you believe it, not just cos it’s always been there.

[2] How you can be South African and not know an African language [preferably the predominant one in the area where you live] at least in part.

This is a tough one. i think i’ve known it for like forever but couldn’t say anything cos i was chief guilty party. And still am. BUT am working on changing it as this week tbV and i signed up for Xhosa classes finally. i have also always known enough isiXhosa to get by in the initial “Hi. How are you? My name is… Where are you from?” moments of conversation, but as someone wanting to explore having a voice in the present area of Race and Reconciliation and Unity and Restitution, it is essential that i look to educate myself in this area, at least a little. It is terrifying [fear of failure – what if i don’t ‘get’ it?] and exhilarating all at once. It is worth both the time and money investment. Do it! Check out Xhosafundis.co.za if you are in Cape Town and want to learn. There are many other places too.

[1] An immediate response to posting this really helpful piece on the #BlackLivesMatter movement:

blacklivesmatter

which was from a person i don’t even know first hand [cos you know, Facebook!] who simply responded with the words:

All Lives Matter.

And then proceeded to argue with me about why she was not completely missing the point by saying that.

In a nutshell, the idea is that all lives do matter. BUT no one is suggesting or has ever suggested really that white lives do not matter. Whereas History is full of ideas, systems and laws that express or work out the idea that black lives do not matter. So when there is a campaign and a movement that rallies itself under the banner of #BlackLivesMatter it is pretty much asking the question, “Can we say that black lives matter as well?” Jumping directly in with a response of All Lives Matter refuses to acknowledge the hurt, racism, onesidedness of the past or to suggest for a moment that maybe it’s good for us to spend some time on raising up black lives to the same level that white lives have been viewed/experienced etc.

When Cecil the lion was killed, no one was holding up signs saying ‘All Animals matter.’ All animals do matter but at that moment, it was not the point.

#BlackLivesMatter [as i see it] is about taking time to listen and really hear and try to understand [as best as it is possible for someone who doesn’t live it] and about being an ally to a group of people whose lives have not mattered as much as white lives in the media or entertainment sphere or politically or just in the day to day.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

i would LOVE to know which of these resonated with you the most [if the last 10 list i did is anything to go by it will be the Pickles] and which one you disagree with and what, after 20 things, you think is still missing in terms of something you don’t understand. Leave your thoughts in the comments section under this post. Thank you. 

Also a lot of the points had links to blog posts which describe aspects of the post more deeply so when you have some time go and explore some of those as well.

[To check out my first list of 10 Things i Don’t Understand, click here] 

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More people have cellphones than they do toilets.

A startling fact according to a recent study made by the U.N. is that out of the world’s estimated 7 billion people, 6 billion have access to mobile phones, while only 4.5 billion have access to working toilets. This is a deeply disturbing fact, although that was back in 2013 and so hopefully we have moved on a lot from then.

What is a far less serious misfortune is that very rarely, but on the odd occasion, you walk into the bathroom, secure yourself behind a locked door, assume the position and as you begin to do “your business” you realise that you left your phone in the other room.

Oh no! What to do, what to do? Facebook will be left unchecked, you can’t attempt another deep-sounding philosophising tweet and that Pinterest Ninja Turtle birthday cupcake recipe will have to wait. But don’t stress, because i have sourced and dreamed up some of the Top Things you can do when you forget to take your phone into the loo and with credit to @cathjenkin for the idea, here they are:

[10] Sudoku. i mean EVERYONE loves a good puzzle, right. But without your phone, how are you going to manage this one? Well, relax in the knowledge that TPWTMTOTH [The People With Too Much Time On Their Hands] have thought of of everything. Everything!

soduku

[9] T’porigami. Oh sure, anyone can come up with reasonably folded flower, heart or bow:

But it’s going to take you a couple of visits of practising before you’re quite at the point of weight-lifting man:

weight

Yes, yes…or weight-lifting woman!

[8] Dress-up. Everyone loves a good costume party and with all those spare toilet paper rolls at your disposal, why do you have to be any different? Oh sure, you can’t Instagram it for posterity cos ‘No Phone!’ but this can be a secret paradise opportunity for you to try out those costumes you never got to wear. In fact, with some good research beforehand, you could soon be an expert like Nina Katchadourian, known for recreating 15th century portraits using only toilet paper in an airplane loo.

nina

[7] Try a new position. Not something you would typically associate with your toilet time, but now with books like Toilet Yoga: Because Sometimes Sh*t Doesn’t Happen and Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-blowing Ways to Poop to help us get our creative juices flowing, you’ll be coming up with your own personalised ones in no time:

From Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop

[6] Fingernail Piercing. Cos stylish yeah? But whoever has time for that? [i know i don’t!]

But with a carefully placed candle and a handy needle, you can start creating the hole and dreaming up all manner of things to decorate it with later:

[5] Plan in advance. Why stress over your own ideas when Linda Wright has already taken so much time doing that for you? With this handy book slipped into your bag before an evening of dinner at a friends, you will be crafting the minutes away in no time. [Not quite sure what qualifies for Linda as ‘special occasions’ but i’m sure you’ll figure it out]

book

[4] Make-up. Because of the rush whenever you are having to get ready for an event, who ever has time to experiment with the colour, right? Well here is your perfect opportunity, especially in a toilet facing a mirror, and maybe even more so with the freedom that is added by one that isn’t:

Guys, note that this does NOT exclude you, although you may need to sneak some ‘supplies’ out of your girlfriend’s purse before making your way to the John.

And, of course if you do have that little bit of extra time in there, because of, #cough#, well, you know, then you have the opportunity to really put that little bit of extra effort in:

 [3] Drum. Everyone loves to work a beat and when you’re behind closed doors, no-one is policing you rhythm. If you plan ahead of time you can keep an actual djembe in the chamber, so that you play up a storm. But if you’re not quite there in the planning stage, you can grab a magazine, use the wall or your lap or even go for combination vibes to get bring that African effect to the Nature that is Calling. [This especially works well if you’re in the middle of embarrassingly loud gas bomb expulsions because, hey, “Don’t mind the drummer people!”]

drum

If the djmebe is not quite your vibe, well Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues have this informative clip suggesting some popular alternatives that may work for you.

[2] Christen your poo. We’ve all read the ‘Different Names of Poo’ lists. What? You haven’t?

So most of us will be familiar with such classics as:

WET CHEEKS POOP: The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOP: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

CORK POO : ( Also known as a floater.) Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in the bowel. Oh My! How do I get rid of it??

and of course, KING KONG POO : This one is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of poo usually happens at someone else’s house.

But what new and inventive monikers can you bring to the world of Crap-Naming?

[1] If all else fails, have a friend over. If it’s good enough for the Sochi Winter Olympics, then it should be good enough for you. This one clearly needs some foresight and planning, but before you know it you’ll be sharing sports stories, gossiping about the hosts awful ‘do and reminiscing about those good old days…

share

How about you? Have any other ideas of how to stay entertained on the porcelain palace when you forget your phone? And which of these Top Ten was your personal favourite?

If you enjoyed this, please do SHARE it around. If you read this while actually sitting on the toilet, take two moments to appreciate the irony and then pass it on to your friends. And if your favourite was ‘number 2’ well that’s just ironical as well…

[For more great lists of LOLment, click here]

So many of you will know by now that i wrote a book.

My buddy Brad went online yesterday to buy a copy from the UK Amazon store. Did i mention that my book is called ‘i, church’ and, somewhat strangely enough, it is about the church?

What was surprising to Brad, and later to me, was that alongside my book in a if-you-buy-this-you-should-probably-also-buy-this kind of way was ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, the erotic romance novel which i dare to believe is probably not about church.

Which got me to thinking? If Fifty Shades of Gray is an obvious choice, then what other books should be sold alongside mine? And these are the top 10 i came up with [with thankx to Brandon Jones for the suggestion]:

[10] Does God ever speak through Cats? by David Evans. Clearly it’s a classic and i don’t think one more word needs to be said about this. Sometimes the title says it all.

Godcats

[9] Further Reflections on the Conversations of Our Time by Judith Butler which contained this award winning sentence:

The move from a structuralist account in which capital is understood to structure social relations in relatively homologous ways to a view of hegemony in which power relations are subject to repetition, convergence, and rearticulation brought the question of temporality into the thinking of structure, and marked a shift from a form of Althusserian theory that takes structural totalities as theoretical objects to one in which the insights into the contingent possibility of structure inaugurate a renewed conception of hegemony as bound up with the contingent sites and strategies of the rearticulation of power.

i should probably mention the prize it one was for worst sentence, awarded in the Fourth Bad Writing Contest held by the scholarly journal, ‘Philosophy and Literature’.

[8] Good-bye, Testicles by Anne Welsh Guy – it is like you can’t make this stuff up. Mainly because you can’t. This is an actual book and it is a travesty that when you try to buy my book online, they do not have this one propped up besides it…

goodbye

Okay, to be fair, having done quite a bit of research “just to make sure” it looks like ‘Good-bye, Testicles’ may not be a real book and is actually just a manipulated version of the well-known classic, ‘Good-bye tonsils’ which is possibly almost as bad and should be sold alongside my book and WHAT IS IN THAT BUCKET that those kids are taking to the well?

good-bye tonsils

[7] Revelation Road: Hope beyond the Horizon by Bill Salus

revelation

While it may seem to some, that the ‘Hope’ referred to in the subtitle appears to resemble a double nuclear mushroom cloud, we are going to have to trust the ‘Helpful Commentary’ that is included by Bill to make sense of this one.

[6] The book that Ali Kawashima would have written if she had completed this incredible romance novel which won the Bulwer-Lytton prize for Worst Opening Sentence in the Romance category for:

As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being that this would be the one man who would understand – who would take her away from all this – and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud honking noise, as all the others had.

[5] It’s not going to get any better when you grow up – by Drew Bledsoe. Wow, Drew, bit of a downer there, but at least you are being a little more honest to us than Bill was, cos frankly that little ‘Don’t-worry-about-the-mushroom-cloud’ thing was a little bit too much.

growup

i’m not going to lie, it’s as if every day that feels a little more true. Definitely if it was called ‘It’s not going to get an Easier when you grow up’ cos Better and Worse feels a bit like a Rollercoaster but complicated is on the up. Excuse me while i go add this book to my wishlist…

[4] The Long Journey of Mister Poop by Angèle Delaunois – as stated earlier, you just can’t make this stuff up. Although the title does seem to be a bit misleading as ‘The Journey of Mr Long Poop’ seems to be a bit more on key, given the illustration. i think my favourite part of this whole book is that it is in Spanish too. And let’s be honest, the Spanish title sounds a lot more fun: El gran viaje del Señor Caca [i’m not gonna lie, i could amuse myself for hours by repeating El gran viaje del Señor Caca to myself].

poop

What’s it about? Well according to Amazon, A smart wolf in a lab coat leads kids on a journey through their digestive system – following the path of an apple that gets eaten and goes through the digestive system ending with: ‘and finally . . . well, you know. Hint: It doesn’t smell like roses here.’ A must read.

[3] Amish Vampires in Space by Kerry Nietz – words completely fail me, except to question why this book is not being recommended when people purchase mine?

amish

Although, wait now. The book description starts: ‘Jebediah has a secret that will change his world forever and send his people into space’ – last time i heard, the Amish could not even use telephones… How are they doing all this ‘getting into space’ stuff? Is Jebediah’s secret that he embraces technology? Maybe this book is more worth reading than i thought.

[2] Knitting with Dog Hair by Kendall Crolius and Anne Montgomery – This isn’t such a dramatically amazing book title but it’s the subtitle that gets me: ‘Better a sweater from the dog you know and love than from a sheep you’ll never meet.’ If you look even closer you’ll see there’s an even smaller blurb urging you to ‘Stop vacuuming and start knitting.’

dog

So there you have it. If Amazon runs out of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ copies, these are the nine books they should recommend alongside my book, which all are pretty much natural companions. Oh wait, i did say ten though. And i will be devastated if someone doesn’t find some reason to complain about this, but when i googled ‘Bad Book Titles and Covers’ and saw this, it was an instant number 1 because WHAT? WHAT? Um… WHAT?

[1] The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas by Morgan Hastings

vag

While i literally do have absolutely no words [and yes, i really seems like this is really a real book] the book itself does: 30 pages of illustrated vaginas with games such as word search, connect the dots, and an “all about my vagina” section.

Connect the dots?

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, 10 books [besides 50 Shades of Gray] that should be sold alongside mine…

Any others you would recommend?

[If you enjoyed this you might like 10 Ways to ask for a Demotion or a Pay-Cut, click here]

Let’s face it, with the way the economy is going these days, you could easily find yourself caught in that awkward place of having just been snuck over the line into the next tax bracket and suddenly being expected to hand over all your hard-earned money to government. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

So i completely had you in mind when i thought of these:

10 FOOL-PROOF WAYS TO ASK FOR A DEMOTION OF PAY CUT AT WORK

[1] Arrive at work in Hulk costume complete with full-body green-coloured skin and claim you thought it was ‘Dress Like an Avenger’ day.

hulk

[2] Answer every question you are asked with another question. When your boss asks, “Why are you doing that?” Respond immediately with, “Why am I doing what?”

[3] Choose your favourite operatic piece as your ring tone, set it to full volume and every time your phone rings stand up and accompany it at the top of your lungs with appropriate arm movements.

opera

[4] Replace the ‘O’ on your Boss’ office door with the letter ‘A’ and regularly stick your head into his office and then look really confused and say, “I’m sorry, I thought this was where i was supposed to get the fish.”

[5] Commission a creative portrait of yourself from a local artist and when it arrives hang it up in the office entrance hall.

dwight

[6] Use makeup to slightly lighten your skin colour. The following day repeat the process but go a little lighter. Every day keep going lighter and lighter until your face has turned completely pale and then reverse the process.

[7] Sneak into your boss’s office when he is out at an important business lunch and decorate his office as your way of letting him know you are proud of all the long hours he puts in.

newspaper

[8] Start calling your boss “Neil”. Apologise every time you are corrected but continue to call your boss Neil, even when she insists that her name is “Joan.”

[9] Keep a hard boiled egg on your desk covered with a cloth. Remove the cloth at regular intervals during the day and make disappointed sounding sounds that it hasn’t hatched yet. Every time a work colleague catches you doing this, whisper to them, “I’m hoping it’s a girl!”

egg

[10] And finally, take some time over the weekend to remove all the glass from all the door windows between offices and set up a helpful video cam to record what happens.

Which of these was your favourite?

Any other suggestions on ways to get a demotion or pay cut at work? Leave them below!

[For more fun vibes, click here]

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