Tag Archive: funny


More people have cellphones than they do toilets.

A startling fact according to a recent study made by the U.N. is that out of the world’s estimated 7 billion people, 6 billion have access to mobile phones, while only 4.5 billion have access to working toilets. This is a deeply disturbing fact, although that was back in 2013 and so hopefully we have moved on a lot from then.

What is a far less serious misfortune is that very rarely, but on the odd occasion, you walk into the bathroom, secure yourself behind a locked door, assume the position and as you begin to do “your business” you realise that you left your phone in the other room.

Oh no! What to do, what to do? Facebook will be left unchecked, you can’t attempt another deep-sounding philosophising tweet and that Pinterest Ninja Turtle birthday cupcake recipe will have to wait. But don’t stress, because i have sourced and dreamed up some of the Top Things you can do when you forget to take your phone into the loo and with credit to @cathjenkin for the idea, here they are:

[10] Sudoku. i mean EVERYONE loves a good puzzle, right. But without your phone, how are you going to manage this one? Well, relax in the knowledge that TPWTMTOTH [The People With Too Much Time On Their Hands] have thought of of everything. Everything!

soduku

[9] T’porigami. Oh sure, anyone can come up with reasonably folded flower, heart or bow:

But it’s going to take you a couple of visits of practising before you’re quite at the point of weight-lifting man:

weight

Yes, yes…or weight-lifting woman!

[8] Dress-up. Everyone loves a good costume party and with all those spare toilet paper rolls at your disposal, why do you have to be any different? Oh sure, you can’t Instagram it for posterity cos ‘No Phone!’ but this can be a secret paradise opportunity for you to try out those costumes you never got to wear. In fact, with some good research beforehand, you could soon be an expert like Nina Katchadourian, known for recreating 15th century portraits using only toilet paper in an airplane loo.

nina

[7] Try a new position. Not something you would typically associate with your toilet time, but now with books like Toilet Yoga: Because Sometimes Sh*t Doesn’t Happen and Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-blowing Ways to Poop to help us get our creative juices flowing, you’ll be coming up with your own personalised ones in no time:

From Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop

[6] Fingernail Piercing. Cos stylish yeah? But whoever has time for that? [i know i don’t!]

But with a carefully placed candle and a handy needle, you can start creating the hole and dreaming up all manner of things to decorate it with later:

[5] Plan in advance. Why stress over your own ideas when Linda Wright has already taken so much time doing that for you? With this handy book slipped into your bag before an evening of dinner at a friends, you will be crafting the minutes away in no time. [Not quite sure what qualifies for Linda as ‘special occasions’ but i’m sure you’ll figure it out]

book

[4] Make-up. Because of the rush whenever you are having to get ready for an event, who ever has time to experiment with the colour, right? Well here is your perfect opportunity, especially in a toilet facing a mirror, and maybe even more so with the freedom that is added by one that isn’t:

Guys, note that this does NOT exclude you, although you may need to sneak some ‘supplies’ out of your girlfriend’s purse before making your way to the John.

And, of course if you do have that little bit of extra time in there, because of, #cough#, well, you know, then you have the opportunity to really put that little bit of extra effort in:

 [3] Drum. Everyone loves to work a beat and when you’re behind closed doors, no-one is policing you rhythm. If you plan ahead of time you can keep an actual djembe in the chamber, so that you play up a storm. But if you’re not quite there in the planning stage, you can grab a magazine, use the wall or your lap or even go for combination vibes to get bring that African effect to the Nature that is Calling. [This especially works well if you’re in the middle of embarrassingly loud gas bomb expulsions because, hey, “Don’t mind the drummer people!”]

drum

If the djmebe is not quite your vibe, well Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues have this informative clip suggesting some popular alternatives that may work for you.

[2] Christen your poo. We’ve all read the ‘Different Names of Poo’ lists. What? You haven’t?

So most of us will be familiar with such classics as:

WET CHEEKS POOP: The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOP: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

CORK POO : ( Also known as a floater.) Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in the bowel. Oh My! How do I get rid of it??

and of course, KING KONG POO : This one is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of poo usually happens at someone else’s house.

But what new and inventive monikers can you bring to the world of Crap-Naming?

[1] If all else fails, have a friend over. If it’s good enough for the Sochi Winter Olympics, then it should be good enough for you. This one clearly needs some foresight and planning, but before you know it you’ll be sharing sports stories, gossiping about the hosts awful ‘do and reminiscing about those good old days…

share

How about you? Have any other ideas of how to stay entertained on the porcelain palace when you forget your phone? And which of these Top Ten was your personal favourite?

If you enjoyed this, please do SHARE it around. If you read this while actually sitting on the toilet, take two moments to appreciate the irony and then pass it on to your friends. And if your favourite was ‘number 2’ well that’s just ironical as well…

[For more great lists of LOLment, click here]

Let’s face it, with the way the economy is going these days, you could easily find yourself caught in that awkward place of having just been snuck over the line into the next tax bracket and suddenly being expected to hand over all your hard-earned money to government. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

So i completely had you in mind when i thought of these:

10 FOOL-PROOF WAYS TO ASK FOR A DEMOTION OF PAY CUT AT WORK

[1] Arrive at work in Hulk costume complete with full-body green-coloured skin and claim you thought it was ‘Dress Like an Avenger’ day.

hulk

[2] Answer every question you are asked with another question. When your boss asks, “Why are you doing that?” Respond immediately with, “Why am I doing what?”

[3] Choose your favourite operatic piece as your ring tone, set it to full volume and every time your phone rings stand up and accompany it at the top of your lungs with appropriate arm movements.

opera

[4] Replace the ‘O’ on your Boss’ office door with the letter ‘A’ and regularly stick your head into his office and then look really confused and say, “I’m sorry, I thought this was where i was supposed to get the fish.”

[5] Commission a creative portrait of yourself from a local artist and when it arrives hang it up in the office entrance hall.

dwight

[6] Use makeup to slightly lighten your skin colour. The following day repeat the process but go a little lighter. Every day keep going lighter and lighter until your face has turned completely pale and then reverse the process.

[7] Sneak into your boss’s office when he is out at an important business lunch and decorate his office as your way of letting him know you are proud of all the long hours he puts in.

newspaper

[8] Start calling your boss “Neil”. Apologise every time you are corrected but continue to call your boss Neil, even when she insists that her name is “Joan.”

[9] Keep a hard boiled egg on your desk covered with a cloth. Remove the cloth at regular intervals during the day and make disappointed sounding sounds that it hasn’t hatched yet. Every time a work colleague catches you doing this, whisper to them, “I’m hoping it’s a girl!”

egg

[10] And finally, take some time over the weekend to remove all the glass from all the door windows between offices and set up a helpful video cam to record what happens.

Which of these was your favourite?

Any other suggestions on ways to get a demotion or pay cut at work? Leave them below!

[For more fun vibes, click here]

Chasing LOL – part III

Oh sure, you type LOL, but not while you are ever actually laughing out loud – you wouldn’t have the stability…

But in the meantime let’s take some time out to appreciate five more quotes from my favourite actual LOL guy, Jack Handey:

Lol1

‘Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are.’ [Jack Handey]

lol2

‘One thing that a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.’ [Jack Handey]

lol3

‘I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.’ [Jack Handey]

lol4

‘To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.’ [Jack Handey]

lol5

‘Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.” [Jack Handey]

Any of these come close to making you really actually LOL? Or do you have your own favourite Jack Handey to share? Let us know in the comments section below…

[To return to the beginning of this Jack Handey series and read more quotes, click here] 

You know how this works. We write LOL, but we barely ever really mean it… but Jack Handey is one of the guys who i know have made people LOL best and for real… so take a look at these offerings and see if any of them do it for you:

lol1

‘It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.’ [Jack Handey]

lol2

‘I guess of all my uncles I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he’d eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.’ [Jack Handey]

lol3

‘It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.’ [Jack Handey]

lol4

‘I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?”‘ [Jack Handey]

lol5

‘One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burnt down warehouse. “Oh no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.’ [Jack Handey]

Which of those came closest for you? Or do you have a favourite Jack Handey? Share with us in the comments section and we’ll see if it makes it into the next episode of Chasing LOL… 

[For more Jack Handey LOL chasingments, click here]

So by now, if you know me, you know that i don’t really believe LOL is a thing.

Apart from someone in my close family who actually thought it meant ‘Lots Of Love’ and actually [true story] sent it to a friend via text who had just lost a family member, as in: i heard your dad died. LOL

But my basic theory is this: If you’re writing LOL [which, family member, stands for Laugh Out Loud] then you’re clearly not LOLing! Because who can type accurately if they are in fact laughing in an out loud kind of manner? [Most people i know shake, do you shake?]

Anyways, one person i know in life who regularly gets me to actually blatantly honestly LOL is my buddy, Dreadlock Mike, and i’m not sure why it is, but when we get together we both become little seven year old gigglers [do seven year olds giggle? whichever age that is, we’re them] which is why i love hanging out with Mike and recently it was Mike and i reading out Jack Handey’s that was bringing out the LOLs.

If you don’t know Jack Handey’s work, then it is my absolute pleasure to share it with you. Different people respond to different thoughts of his and so if you don’t like all of them, that is fine. i am going to post five today and if one of them brings you closer to LOLing than the others, let me know which one it was below…

tiger

The tiger can’t just change his spots. No, wait, he did. Good for him. [Jack Handey]

sunset

Whenever y read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books. [Jack Handey]

sand

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out of it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window. [Jack Handey]

balloon

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don’t run with a wooden stake. [Jack Handey]

web

It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realised that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating. [Jack Handey]

Which of those came closest for you? Or do you have a favourite Jack Handey? Share with us in the comments section and we’ll see if it makes it into the next episode of Chasing LOL… 

[For more Jack Handey love, check out Chasing LOL part II over here]

This is honestly pretty much how i feel about the concept of spinning. Well played Stephan Pastis and the gang from Pearls before Swine:

pearlsbeforegym

[For another great Pearls strip dealing with raiSINs with special guest appearance of a Garfield strip, click here]

[For a collection of Pearls before Strips that i deemed fun enough to share on my blog, click here]

i am a big fan of Weird Al Yankovic and if you don’t recognise that name then WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? Move out from under that rock you’re under and hang out with Uncle Google and get educated…

From probably his best music video for ‘Fat’ [the parody of Michael Jackson’s ‘Bad’] to classics such as Amish Paradise, Smells like Nirvana and The Star Wars take ‘The Saga Begins’

More recently there were two exceptional pieces which saw him take on “Ridin” by Chamillionaire and re-inventing it as the Geekfested ‘White and Nerdy’ and the little bit more quite appropriately  ‘out there’ version of Lady if-anyone-was-asking-to-be-parodied-by-Weird-Al-it-was-me Gaga transforming her weird ‘Born this way’ into the possibly weirder ‘Perform this Way’

All this to say, this week he came out with a new song turning the chart-topping uplifting clap-filled ‘Happy’ by Pharrell into ‘Tacky’ posing questions about “wearing stripes with plaid” and “instagramming every meal I ever had” which was good and fun and silly and contained traces of Jack Black, Eric Stonestreet [Modern Family] and the stalkery lady from ‘Flight of the Conchords’…

But then, THIS HAPPENED!

I stumbled upon a new song of this coming album which takes the below-the-belt-but-way-too-catchy Robin Thicke ‘Blurred Lines’ and weaves it into an acceptable and commendable and brilliant piece of insane wordplay and i seriously am thinking that Word Crimes might be my new favourite Weird Al – it is SO SO good…

Check it out and then forward this to all your teacher and grammar police friends…

i hope you enjoy this as much as i did – definitely deserves multiple viewings – it is fantastic, and no i was not being sarcastic…

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