Tag Archive: Listical


More people have cellphones than they do toilets.

A startling fact according to a recent study made by the U.N. is that out of the world’s estimated 7 billion people, 6 billion have access to mobile phones, while only 4.5 billion have access to working toilets. This is a deeply disturbing fact, although that was back in 2013 and so hopefully we have moved on a lot from then.

What is a far less serious misfortune is that very rarely, but on the odd occasion, you walk into the bathroom, secure yourself behind a locked door, assume the position and as you begin to do “your business” you realise that you left your phone in the other room.

Oh no! What to do, what to do? Facebook will be left unchecked, you can’t attempt another deep-sounding philosophising tweet and that Pinterest Ninja Turtle birthday cupcake recipe will have to wait. But don’t stress, because i have sourced and dreamed up some of the Top Things you can do when you forget to take your phone into the loo and with credit to @cathjenkin for the idea, here they are:

[10] Sudoku. i mean EVERYONE loves a good puzzle, right. But without your phone, how are you going to manage this one? Well, relax in the knowledge that TPWTMTOTH [The People With Too Much Time On Their Hands] have thought of of everything. Everything!

soduku

[9] T’porigami. Oh sure, anyone can come up with reasonably folded flower, heart or bow:

But it’s going to take you a couple of visits of practising before you’re quite at the point of weight-lifting man:

weight

Yes, yes…or weight-lifting woman!

[8] Dress-up. Everyone loves a good costume party and with all those spare toilet paper rolls at your disposal, why do you have to be any different? Oh sure, you can’t Instagram it for posterity cos ‘No Phone!’ but this can be a secret paradise opportunity for you to try out those costumes you never got to wear. In fact, with some good research beforehand, you could soon be an expert like Nina Katchadourian, known for recreating 15th century portraits using only toilet paper in an airplane loo.

nina

[7] Try a new position. Not something you would typically associate with your toilet time, but now with books like Toilet Yoga: Because Sometimes Sh*t Doesn’t Happen and Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-blowing Ways to Poop to help us get our creative juices flowing, you’ll be coming up with your own personalised ones in no time:

From Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop

[6] Fingernail Piercing. Cos stylish yeah? But whoever has time for that? [i know i don’t!]

But with a carefully placed candle and a handy needle, you can start creating the hole and dreaming up all manner of things to decorate it with later:

[5] Plan in advance. Why stress over your own ideas when Linda Wright has already taken so much time doing that for you? With this handy book slipped into your bag before an evening of dinner at a friends, you will be crafting the minutes away in no time. [Not quite sure what qualifies for Linda as ‘special occasions’ but i’m sure you’ll figure it out]

book

[4] Make-up. Because of the rush whenever you are having to get ready for an event, who ever has time to experiment with the colour, right? Well here is your perfect opportunity, especially in a toilet facing a mirror, and maybe even more so with the freedom that is added by one that isn’t:

Guys, note that this does NOT exclude you, although you may need to sneak some ‘supplies’ out of your girlfriend’s purse before making your way to the John.

And, of course if you do have that little bit of extra time in there, because of, #cough#, well, you know, then you have the opportunity to really put that little bit of extra effort in:

 [3] Drum. Everyone loves to work a beat and when you’re behind closed doors, no-one is policing you rhythm. If you plan ahead of time you can keep an actual djembe in the chamber, so that you play up a storm. But if you’re not quite there in the planning stage, you can grab a magazine, use the wall or your lap or even go for combination vibes to get bring that African effect to the Nature that is Calling. [This especially works well if you’re in the middle of embarrassingly loud gas bomb expulsions because, hey, “Don’t mind the drummer people!”]

drum

If the djmebe is not quite your vibe, well Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues have this informative clip suggesting some popular alternatives that may work for you.

[2] Christen your poo. We’ve all read the ‘Different Names of Poo’ lists. What? You haven’t?

So most of us will be familiar with such classics as:

WET CHEEKS POOP: The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOP: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

CORK POO : ( Also known as a floater.) Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in the bowel. Oh My! How do I get rid of it??

and of course, KING KONG POO : This one is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of poo usually happens at someone else’s house.

But what new and inventive monikers can you bring to the world of Crap-Naming?

[1] If all else fails, have a friend over. If it’s good enough for the Sochi Winter Olympics, then it should be good enough for you. This one clearly needs some foresight and planning, but before you know it you’ll be sharing sports stories, gossiping about the hosts awful ‘do and reminiscing about those good old days…

share

How about you? Have any other ideas of how to stay entertained on the porcelain palace when you forget your phone? And which of these Top Ten was your personal favourite?

If you enjoyed this, please do SHARE it around. If you read this while actually sitting on the toilet, take two moments to appreciate the irony and then pass it on to your friends. And if your favourite was ‘number 2’ well that’s just ironical as well…

[For more great lists of LOLment, click here]

So many of you will know by now that i wrote a book.

My buddy Brad went online yesterday to buy a copy from the UK Amazon store. Did i mention that my book is called ‘i, church’ and, somewhat strangely enough, it is about the church?

What was surprising to Brad, and later to me, was that alongside my book in a if-you-buy-this-you-should-probably-also-buy-this kind of way was ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, the erotic romance novel which i dare to believe is probably not about church.

Which got me to thinking? If Fifty Shades of Gray is an obvious choice, then what other books should be sold alongside mine? And these are the top 10 i came up with [with thankx to Brandon Jones for the suggestion]:

[10] Does God ever speak through Cats? by David Evans. Clearly it’s a classic and i don’t think one more word needs to be said about this. Sometimes the title says it all.

Godcats

[9] Further Reflections on the Conversations of Our Time by Judith Butler which contained this award winning sentence:

The move from a structuralist account in which capital is understood to structure social relations in relatively homologous ways to a view of hegemony in which power relations are subject to repetition, convergence, and rearticulation brought the question of temporality into the thinking of structure, and marked a shift from a form of Althusserian theory that takes structural totalities as theoretical objects to one in which the insights into the contingent possibility of structure inaugurate a renewed conception of hegemony as bound up with the contingent sites and strategies of the rearticulation of power.

i should probably mention the prize it one was for worst sentence, awarded in the Fourth Bad Writing Contest held by the scholarly journal, ‘Philosophy and Literature’.

[8] Good-bye, Testicles by Anne Welsh Guy – it is like you can’t make this stuff up. Mainly because you can’t. This is an actual book and it is a travesty that when you try to buy my book online, they do not have this one propped up besides it…

goodbye

Okay, to be fair, having done quite a bit of research “just to make sure” it looks like ‘Good-bye, Testicles’ may not be a real book and is actually just a manipulated version of the well-known classic, ‘Good-bye tonsils’ which is possibly almost as bad and should be sold alongside my book and WHAT IS IN THAT BUCKET that those kids are taking to the well?

good-bye tonsils

[7] Revelation Road: Hope beyond the Horizon by Bill Salus

revelation

While it may seem to some, that the ‘Hope’ referred to in the subtitle appears to resemble a double nuclear mushroom cloud, we are going to have to trust the ‘Helpful Commentary’ that is included by Bill to make sense of this one.

[6] The book that Ali Kawashima would have written if she had completed this incredible romance novel which won the Bulwer-Lytton prize for Worst Opening Sentence in the Romance category for:

As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being that this would be the one man who would understand – who would take her away from all this – and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud honking noise, as all the others had.

[5] It’s not going to get any better when you grow up – by Drew Bledsoe. Wow, Drew, bit of a downer there, but at least you are being a little more honest to us than Bill was, cos frankly that little ‘Don’t-worry-about-the-mushroom-cloud’ thing was a little bit too much.

growup

i’m not going to lie, it’s as if every day that feels a little more true. Definitely if it was called ‘It’s not going to get an Easier when you grow up’ cos Better and Worse feels a bit like a Rollercoaster but complicated is on the up. Excuse me while i go add this book to my wishlist…

[4] The Long Journey of Mister Poop by Angèle Delaunois – as stated earlier, you just can’t make this stuff up. Although the title does seem to be a bit misleading as ‘The Journey of Mr Long Poop’ seems to be a bit more on key, given the illustration. i think my favourite part of this whole book is that it is in Spanish too. And let’s be honest, the Spanish title sounds a lot more fun: El gran viaje del Señor Caca [i’m not gonna lie, i could amuse myself for hours by repeating El gran viaje del Señor Caca to myself].

poop

What’s it about? Well according to Amazon, A smart wolf in a lab coat leads kids on a journey through their digestive system – following the path of an apple that gets eaten and goes through the digestive system ending with: ‘and finally . . . well, you know. Hint: It doesn’t smell like roses here.’ A must read.

[3] Amish Vampires in Space by Kerry Nietz – words completely fail me, except to question why this book is not being recommended when people purchase mine?

amish

Although, wait now. The book description starts: ‘Jebediah has a secret that will change his world forever and send his people into space’ – last time i heard, the Amish could not even use telephones… How are they doing all this ‘getting into space’ stuff? Is Jebediah’s secret that he embraces technology? Maybe this book is more worth reading than i thought.

[2] Knitting with Dog Hair by Kendall Crolius and Anne Montgomery – This isn’t such a dramatically amazing book title but it’s the subtitle that gets me: ‘Better a sweater from the dog you know and love than from a sheep you’ll never meet.’ If you look even closer you’ll see there’s an even smaller blurb urging you to ‘Stop vacuuming and start knitting.’

dog

So there you have it. If Amazon runs out of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ copies, these are the nine books they should recommend alongside my book, which all are pretty much natural companions. Oh wait, i did say ten though. And i will be devastated if someone doesn’t find some reason to complain about this, but when i googled ‘Bad Book Titles and Covers’ and saw this, it was an instant number 1 because WHAT? WHAT? Um… WHAT?

[1] The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas by Morgan Hastings

vag

While i literally do have absolutely no words [and yes, i really seems like this is really a real book] the book itself does: 30 pages of illustrated vaginas with games such as word search, connect the dots, and an “all about my vagina” section.

Connect the dots?

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, 10 books [besides 50 Shades of Gray] that should be sold alongside mine…

Any others you would recommend?

[If you enjoyed this you might like 10 Ways to ask for a Demotion or a Pay-Cut, click here]

So i heard Lists were a popular thing on the internetweb and so i decided to give it a try and my first one came out quite nicely so i thought i should make a Lists page cos i imagine there will be more at some stage.

Top 10 Things to do when you forget to take your phone to the toilet – Which one is your favourite?

10 Ways to Ask for a Demotion or Pay Cut at Work – you might not actually want to try these unless you want a new job

10 Ways to Avoid an Unwanted Hug (kiss/backrub) at a wedding/funeral

10 Books [apart from 50 Shades of Grey] that should be sold alongside mine – i don’t know how to warn you…

The Top Ten List of Evil – So not true evil evil, but each of us has a top ten list of things we just REALLY don’t like…

5 Ways to Help You Realise You May Just Be A Troll – Cos, sometimes, in the busyness of Trolling, who can tell?

What List would you like to see me come up with next? Leave it in the Comments…

%d bloggers like this: