My wife, the beautiful Val [tbV] left for a week’s conference in Atlanta today.
As is my tradition when i am away from her i wrote her a letter to remind her that she is much loved and thought of while she is away. And i googled ‘inspirational wife quote’ to try and find an uplifting quote to give her.
Over 40 pages of quotes appeared on a site called Brainyquote and one of the first ones i saw was this one, which i used:
‘Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife.’ [Franz Schubert]
As i finished my letter to tbV i thought, ‘Let me find her another cool quote’ and that’s where it began…
Three pages later I had given up the search as quote after quote was of the following theme:
‘A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.’ [Michel de Montaigne]
‘Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing.’ [Oscar Wilde]
‘I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.’ [Rodney Dangerfield]
‘When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.’ [Sacha Guitry]
And on and on they went. I do realise that a number of the sources quoted are stand-up comedians, but that just goes to show the kind of thing we use to get laughs.
It is a subtle erosion of marriage and it is a message that happens all around us all of the time.
I get particularly annoyed when ministers make jokes about marriage at a wedding. It feels like sending the couple off on a lifelong journey with a negative message ringing in their ears. Phrases like “ball and chain” and lines like “marriage is like a phone call in the middle of the night – you get a ring and then you wake up” will get laughs, but they will also add a silent barb to those married people who may not be finding marriage that easy at the moment and it’s like a public confirmation that you might be right in thinking or feeling the way you are.
It would be marginally better if a search for ‘inspirational wife quotes’ had even produced a list where half of the quotes were lifting women and wives up as something good and worth celebrating. Instead i would say that 70% or even more of the quotes had the wife [or husband] as the butt of some joke, with many of them promoting adultery and mistresses as a normal expected part of the conversation.
In our experience, marriage has not always been the easiest thing. Especially when two strong personalities come together, there are a lot of lessons to be learnt, a lot of grace and Love to be chosen. Forgiveness to be asked for and freely given. We desperately need people cheering us on and holding up the idea of a working marriage, not throwing stones or tossing subtly camouflauged barbs ‘in the name of jest’ – it just isn’t helpful.
Let me agree with Franz that I am a happy man because I have found a true friend in my wife. I love Val very much and I cheer her on as she journeys through life on a path that often intersects with mine and sometimes doesn’t. I want her to feel lifted up by my words and actions [a feat i certainly don’t always get right] and never want something i say in jest to be something that causes her pain or mistrust or creates a space for even the smallest crack to start emerging.
i don’t think anyone just decided to commit adultery or give up on their marriage. It is a combination of a whole lot of smaller things that are left undealt with. A bunch of small, individual cracks that eventually become visible, often when it is too late.
i imagine there will be a bunch of people who think i am overreacting with this whole thing. But the marriage stats speak for themselves. Marriage does not have the greatest track record at the moment. It is in desperate need of people who will champion it, who will speak life into it and cheer it on from the sides [as other married couples and as single or dating people] – we need all the help we can get.
How about you? Can you identify with any of this notion of less-than-affirming-message-towards-marriage? When last did you hear someone speak about their husband or wife in joking fashion that really caused you to pause for a moment and raise an eyebrow? If you are married, how do others hear you speak about your spouse?
Brett,
I really appreciate this article! I’m really glad I’m not the only one who is bothered by this! Growing up, I have always been fairly sensitive about jokes like this and I thought there was something wrong with me for not thinking they were funny. I have never married or dated before, but these jokes make me so sad! They have always frustrated me for some reason just because I think marriage (or even long-term platonic friendships for people who never marry) are beautiful things. I think it’s so important for people to affirm that marriage (and committed platonic friendships) can be hard, but I find it to be really dismissive and disheartening when the hardness is taken out as a so-called “funny” joke that puts the wife or husband down. I think that often our mean jokes come from our own insecurity. I know that in my friendships, I have had tendencies to attack or belittle the other to cover up my feelings of inadequacy. I’ve called people that I loved very very much “stupid” because I was too scared or insecure to face that that person with my need or concern. What do you think?
i think you are spot on – my post was quite gentle because in reality i feel SO strong about this [which the majority of people don’t seem to be – “it’s just a joke” is their response for what i see for the most part as blatant sin – the bible warns us about calling that which is good ‘evil’ and i think your reasons for why people do it in terms of security but often deeper truth are really accurate – will write another post some time about the ‘who you are allowed to have sex with’ celebrity joking i’ve been exposed to a few times over here which sickens me to the core… thankx for your response. good to know Val and i are not alone!
amen!
I have encountered the same issue searching for quotes on love and marriage. It’s as if They are seen as 2 different states of being. Also, I see too many times spouses criticize their mates publicly or on Facebook. I don’t know why.
It makes me very sad when people criticize their spouses online or verbally.
Not only is it not edifying, but it just exacerbates whatever the issues are that are causing the dissatisfaction, creating a vicious cycle. And then even worse, often I have been around groups where one person gets going, and then couples who you would think either know better or have stronger relationships jump on the bandwagon, reinforcing the behavior and joining the group.
Love has to be a decision as well as an action lived out every day, and choosing to build up your spouse in front of others, regardless of what you may be feeling at the time, is an action and decision of love. Doing the opposite, is an action and decision of NOT love.
I am 42 and have been married 25 years. We started dating at 15 and 16. So we have been a couple FOREVER!
We have always joked around and have even done the same with our three kids (who are now experts at sarcastic remarks). I am not a romantic. I do not need all that sweet speech and “foo-foo” stuff i.e. flowers and candy. Yes I love the sweet cards I get ones in awhile from hubby, but, I relate more with the jokes and sarcasm. It is fun and playful. If he leaves for a few days I will slip a quick note in his bag. Sometimes it says I love you, sometimes a note that is more naughty, sometimes it is a simple HI.
We are THAT couple. The couple that no one would ever think would break up. Have we come close…maybe not close but we certainly have had our ups and downs in 25 years. We are THAT couple. We are polar opposites. We are the couple that NO ONE thinks will ever separate. We know each other better than we know ourselves. We will sit in the same room 2 feet apart and go back and forth on Facebook on zinger after another. All our friends get the biggest kick out of the way we speak to each other.
It is a persons actions that damages a marriage. . It comes with ignoring the needs of the individual. My husband knows what I respond too. Words are cheap, give me actions. A person can say “I love you” while being abusive. A man can say: “Here’s the ol’ ball and chain” and mean I love you. You are right people do not just wake up and decide to leave or damage their marriage. It comes from years of neglect. People forget the word LOVE is a verb. It takes action, cultivation, and work.
So, in short, no these jokes do not bother me.
Oh Brett I have so much time for this post. I haven’t been married long, but in the short time that I have, I’ve experience how very important our words are.
I was never comfortable around couples that constantly bring each other down in ‘jest’ and jokes. Whilst they may have been comfortable with it, and maybe even enjoyed it, they were giving a really awful picture of what being a couple is to those who weren’t in relationships. They may have thought calling each other names was cute, but all it made me think was sheesh, this is the last thing I want.
I LOVE being my husbands biggest fan. And man, I get it so wrong sometimes. Sometimes I give in to the subtle joke and jab without even thinking and before I can stop myself the words are out. But we’re constantly working towards always building each other up, never bringing each other down. Especially in public. I definitely don’t get a ‘kick’ out of the way some people talk to each other, or about their partners or marriage. It’s supposed to be a reflection of Jesus’ love for the church, and I don’t think Jesus would ever talk to us in that way. It’s the most wonderful privilege and honour to be in a position where you can actively and daily build each other up with your words. It is an honour to speak highly of your spouse in front of others, to be proud of them and to be an ambassador for marriage. We should be treasuring our partners because they are very special gifts that God has let us love. What a responsibility that is! But what a joy to strive to do it properly.
I was thinking more about this post and realised it applies to all relationships and not just marriage. I have experienced groups of girlfriends call each other ‘slut’ and ‘hoe’ in an apparently ‘affectionate’ manner and I just can’t help but think how damaging that must be to those girls. Not only because that word then attaches all it’s meanings to you, whether you are actually a slut or hoe or not, but also because people who don’t know you very well might take that to be true. Words are so powerful and I think we should never ever underestimate their power. If we could only take all the opportunities we have every day to build each other up, focus on our strong points and love each other I think there would be a lot more happy and content people out there. Thank goodness Jesus is there to help us every step of the way.
i think you are spot on, and especially about the idea of how it affects others who are not in the relationship – so might seem and feel good for you, but other people who hear the words don’t always pick up or understand the humour or jest intended or history of the relationship and i think it can be so damaging. words definitely have power and i don’t believe you can be “put down” in jest continually without it at some stage sinking in and feeling real. thank you so much for your comment oh nameless person…
However, I can not make anyone feel anything. I tell my kids all the time that they alone are responsible for their feelings and how they handle them. My responsibility is to my husband and how our relationship works. If others are confused about our relationship, then they should hang around us more.
Loved ones know which things to joke about and what not to joke about. Judging someone else’s relationship by your own is actually a dangerous path. Either you will feel superior or feel inadequate. Every relationship is so different.
FYI I did not pick the grouchy avatar. 🙂
I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. When someone tries to disguise disparaging remarks as jokes, it irritates me, too. Because jokes should actually be funny. And not told at the expense of someone. But perhaps that’s just my sensitive – pro-marriage- approach?
I started a reply and ended up just writing a blog post lol. I’m so glad you took the time to put these thoughts down! And that you still write tbV love letters 🙂
http://www.movingwithgod.com/laughing-marriage/
I really do think it sucks. I do not think God has a sense of humour in saying that the church is his bride. This makes me trust Him far less and less able to make a commitment to Him.
ah i’m sorry to hear that Brian. would you care to elaborate at all? bad experience with it perhaps? i think God calling the church His bride demonstrates the kind of intimacy He is seeking but also [those of us who have been married may understand this a little better?] perhaps how messy and broken that relationship can be if the commitment only comes from the one side or is not met equally… i love the fact that God calls us to deep intimacy and it makes me trust Him and love Him more that He calls me child and friend and not simply follower…
I only really understood what it meant to be the “Bride of Christ” when I got married to Adrian. I remember when we were having a disagreement and I said to him “I will never give up on you, because God has never given up on me.” And as I said it, I realised how much of a parallel there is between the marriage relationship on earth and the spiritual relationship between Christ and the church. Marriage for me has been this incredible journey of learning service and love and respect for my partner, and being challenged for those principals to also be reflected in my relationship with Jesus.
Why I’m saying all this, is because I see a world today who doesn’t have respect for marriage, a world where people sometimes don’t even bother getting married, because they’d probably end up getting divorced in any case. And that really bothers me, because I’m becoming more and more convinced that one of the main reasons why God made marriage is to challenge us to become more like him by choosing to commit to someone who is a sinner, just like he chose us. To see each others weaknesses and sinfulness and dirtyness and have grace and love and forgiveness in response.
And so satan is loving all this bad rep that marriage is getting. He’s loving that one of the major tools that Jesus uses to change me and mould me is being devalued and seen as non-necessary.
So my opinion is very much that marriage deserves to be upheld and valued wherever/whenever possible. We must fight for it, because it is not just a relationship definition between two people, it’s a reflection of the relationship that is between Jesus and us.
If your marriage is rock-solid (uhuh?) and you have the kind of relationship where mock-abusive banter is an ongoing acknowledgement and even celebration of this, then I understand Michelle’s situation. My wife and I don’t do that, but my son and I do. It’s more of a guy thing in my experience – good mates who insult each other in jest. We’re careful though to ensure it is appropriate and does not cut where it is meant to tease.
I have witnessed too often how careless words either rip through or white-ant people’s self-esteem. My dad, who is a wonderful man of God and a hero of mine, has unwittingly and unintentionally undermined my mom’s self confidence for years. I only realised it when my sister pointed it out a year or so ago and suddenly many of my mom’s insecurities and fears made sense. It’s too late to intervene there in any real way – they’re in their 80’s, co-dependent with a deep affection for each other. I can’t help but wonder what sort of person my mom would have been if my dad had worked at affirming her.
My wife is my best friend, but all to often I find myself taking our relationship for granted, and neglecting to proactively work at building and nurturing one of the most precious things in my life.
Started rereading The Five Love Languages last night. Highly recommended.
thankx Dave, appreciate your comments here and i think it is such a huge thing to ponder what might have been if the treatment had been different and often it feels right and good because it’s all you’ve known and so sure it might work and be okay but if you changed sarcasm and ripping to lifting up then who knows, it could be even better than it is now and who would not want that… i would recommend for people in the ‘okay to rip each other off’ scenario to experiment with one month of only saying uplifting things to each other and holding back on the jokes and then after that return to what you’re used to… i imagine some relationships might decide to change things afterwards… and yes it is a really helpful book!
Who says that is all we do?? Yes my hubby and I are sarcastic. And no Dave it is not just a guy thing. 🙂 Do you really think that we do not lift each other up? Really? Maybe you are not confident enough in your self and your relationship to joke around but we are. I have been married 25 years we have been together 27. I am not sure how long you have been married but I think I speak from experience
My husband has the STUPIDEST sense of humor ever. I am the ONLY person on the planet that would ever laugh at his dumb jokes. I am not going to encourage him to tell his jokes in public. No WAY! But he knows I have his back always. And YES I have said that too him.
hey Michelle – thankx for your continued response – nothing of what i am saying is directly meant to be aimed at your relationship – i have seen some relationships where that is all that you ever see the couple doing and it doesn’t feel good – i am not saying don’t ever joke with your spose or have some private jokes that some people on the outside might not understand – those are great and Val and i definitely have those too – what i am suggesting is that if your jokes and comebacks and sarcasms are outweighing your lifting up and encouraging and celebrating then there might be a problem… and i think in some couples people start to assume that the other person knows that stuff and so stop saying it and i can speak for myself that it always feels great to be encouraged or lifted up by Val even with things i know she thinks or feels – saying them gives them extra power or believement… it sounds like you are confident that in your marriage you have a healthy balance of this stuff and if so then that’s great – i know there are some people who need to consider the words here and make some changes because they are not strengthening their marriages… and often quite the opposite.
Brett,
I hope you will forgive me for posting a “hijack” comment, but I wrote about this from a similar angle recently on RLC in a post called “Wanna Save Marriage? Stop Patronizing Women.” – http://www.redletterchristians.org/wanna-save-marriage-stop-patronizing-women/
My point is that we have used humor to make light of our inability to resolve conflict with respect.
wow, so great, “hijack” accepted – read this everyone…