Taboo Topics: Race – Mixed Race Connections – Meet James Davis and Sherrell Nesmith

American-African meets African-American.

 

We met at university; both of us were on student leadership for our respective halls. Sherrell’s from Durham, NC. James is from Cape Town, South Africa (Well, mostly). Naturally, there are a lot of cultural differences we’ve discovered along the way. For starters, we have different likes and dislikes, some of them diametrically opposite each other, ranging from the superficial, like our tastes in music and to how we like to spend our free time, to the more complex, like our outlook on life and how we grew up.

 

We’ve had our conflicts over these last two years of dating, but what couple doesn’t. The source of these conflicts, however, hasn’t been race, but things in our lives that we’ve needed to work on, things we needed to mature in. Our church has played a large role in that: supporting and mentoring us separately and together, providing us with examples of successful multi-racial couples, and giving us a place to worship with people of other ethnic groups.

 

That’s not to say we don’t have outside problems relating to each other’s backgrounds. Only recently, have we begun to meet each other’s extended families. They’re all from the American South, so there’s good deal of  apprehension based on history. Between each other, however, we’ve chosen to look beyond our races. That doesn’t mean we ignore where each other comes from – to do so would be an offense on our identities. Instead, we see our differences and choose to work from there. We choose to see what makes each other unique and celebrate it. Sometimes, it’s pretty goofy.  At other times, it’s a wonderful time of growth and learning.

 

Most importantly, though, is our commitment to God. It truly is the love of God that allows us to love each other as boy- and girlfriend and, hopefully, as husband and wife. This should be the linchpin of any relationship, whether you’re multi-ethnic, all-white, all-asian, or all-black. To accept each other’s cultural differences, skin tone, and perspectives, put God first, each other second, and yourself last.

 

[For other stories of Mixed Race and Culture Connections, click here] 

Taboo Topics: Race – What I would love my white friends to hear – Meet John Scheepers

One of the most insidious forms of racism or paternalism is to take the voice of another away from them.  I do not intend to speak for black people in this post and so rob them of their own dignity and humanity.  You see, I am white and so I can only ever speak as a white male. While I can resist speaking for another I can choose to speak with another so adding strength and tone to the richness of their own voice.  So this is not a post speaking for black people but just one white person speaking to another choosing to join my voice to speak with those who are not like me.

 

I am like you: I grew up a standard white guy in the 80’s.  Life was good on my whites only beaches.  Education was excellent at my whites only school.  I loved the freedom to ride my bike all over my whites only suburb and play in the streets unsupervised.  My family were not wealthy and my parents worked hard to put food on the table.  But we did enjoy the benefits of my dad’s job reservation, brilliant medical aid and standard working hours and conditions.  Not to mention relative proximity to our work.  I also sometimes find myself thinking of these days as the good old days and wistfully wishing for a similar childhood experience for my kids.  Except the whites only part because my kids aren’t.

 

But the truth is there was (and in many cases still is) a radically different childhood story for most people in our country.  The system of apartheid was as brilliant in its execution as it was evil in its intent.  The economic and social system was a masterstroke in creating social instability.  And the resulting poverty, migrant labour, absent fathers, informal settlements, crime, forced removals, gangsterism, substance abuse, lucrative trade in contraband, imprisonment, restricted movements, shootings and a live for the moment hedonism through sex and violence, bears testimony to its effectiveness.   Not forgetting the humiliation of the “Bantu education” system, designed to create a race of inferior servants to serve white privilege. While the law books may have been wiped clean Bantu education is alive and well today in the hearts and minds of millions of South Africans throughout our land.  Ah the good old days…

 

And yet… I am not like you: Please can you stop assuming that because I share the same pigment as you that I also share your political, racial or cultural views.  I cannot tell you how many times complete strangers have given me the “boys club” wink or nod followed by some disparaging remark about “the blacks”.  You don’t know me, so please do not presume to know what I think or feel.  If the criteria you are using to make your comment is the colour of my skin, then please look deeper. I am not like you.

 

The world is profoundly white-centric: White is normal in our world.  Do you know what skin colour is?  Do you know what the standard language of instruction is?   What is the international language of business?  An educated person is someone who has grasped the intricacies of a western education system. Our lives are governed by a western/white concept of time, achievement and community structure.  Yes that is just a reality and there is probably nothing I can do about it. But wake up! This world is not an equal world.  It is a white-centric world where white people have set the standards and the norms for all of us.  Is it the best system?  Who says?  Who gets to make that call?  Even biblical characters are normally assumed to be white.  Even some of our cherished biblical virtues we might find to be more white and western virtues than actual biblical ones…

 

I am not an idiot because I do not vote for your particular political party.  Politics in South Africa is far more complex and nuanced than many of my white friends care to acknowledge.  Our history has made it complex.  That history still informs life today in deeply significant ways.  We are a young democracy with many challenges and many obstacles. There is no singular saviour in South African politics. The charge often levelled at black people that they vote unthinkingly for the ANC is possibly true for many people.  But how many white people vote unthinkingly for the DA?

 

You are not colour-blind: I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this one.  Mostly from people whose friends all look like them as they hang out in places and live in areas where all the people mostly look like them.  If you live in South Africa, colour is an issue and we need to learn to engage with it with integrity, honesty and humility.  The claim to be colour-blind in my opinion is normally a plea to pretend everything is ok so we can ignore the hard conversations and escape to our white ghettos of privilege.  Or in its worst expression it normally goes something like this “I don’t see colour but…(insert disparaging remark about why black people do not live up to your expectations of how society should work).

 

White privilege is real:  if you are white you have and continue to benefit from the system of apartheid and its continued influence through attitudes, accrued social and economic capital as well as the continued crippling effects of apartheid policies.  You are regarded as smarter, trustworthier and harder working, until proven otherwise, if you are white.

 

Many of us may not have committed the sins of our fathers in the implementing, supporting or perpetuating of the apartheid state.  Nor were we guilty of courting evil’s shadowy twin sister quiet acquiescence.  But all of us who are white have benefited and continue to benefit from those sins. White Economic Empowerment was after all around long before Black Economic Empowerment.  So we may not in one sense be guilty of any crimes.  And you may resent the idea of being held accountable for other people’s sins but what we cannot deny is that we have benefited from those sins.  And while you could make a case for being not guilty, I would suggest that we have a far greater calling than proving our innocence and that is grabbing our responsibility to put right the sins from which we have benefited.  How?  Now that is a question we must ask together and a road we must be prepared to walk together if we are to emerge with any true answers.

 

If you are a Christian and you think talk of racial reconciliation and politics is taking away from preaching the gospel you need to read your Bible again.  The story line of the Bible is not simply about saving souls for heaven.  It is about the restoration of all things through Christ.  It is about the restoring of true humanity, of dignity and of brotherly love.  Sin deceived us with its promises of freedom, self-actualisation and satisfaction and instead led us into creating a world of injustice, hatred, prejudice and individual gain.  Jesus has come to rescue us not in order to take us away to some disembodied heaven in the clouds.  He has rescued us not only from the punishment for our sins but he has invited us to join with his far greater and more beautiful story of redemption, restoration and healing.

 

One day he will restore all things but now his kingdom has broken into history and he calls us to live new lives, lives that embody his kingdom of justice, mercy, peace, joy, beauty and reconciliation.  Racial and national reconciliation is at the heart of the gospel.  And we in the church ought to be leading the way.  Our Saviour is the one who is so unlike us, so truly superior to us and yet he laid down his life so that we might live, so that we might be restored to God and to one another.  And so the gospel leads us in this to lay down our lives for those not like us, to serve, to love, to give up our rights and privileges so that they who are not like us might also be restored to God and to us.

 

[For more great conversations on Race from all kinds of different angles and perspectives, click here]

Taboo Topics: Race – Some thoughts from the Internet – on White Privilege and Post-Racial America

Let’s crank this thing up a notch. Two articles that have caught my attention recently [Thankx Tsholofelo for the first one] and have a lot to say in this Race conversation that we’ve started and are engaging with each other on [although am still hoping to see more of that].

These feel like they could be part of the ‘can of worms’ and ‘Pandora’s Box’ i was promised [threatened with?] when i said that i was going to start a conversation about Race on my blog, which thus far feels like it hasn’t happened. But i have this idea that a lot of people who are a greater part of the problem, if i could even get them to read these two articles, would easily dismiss them.

The only problem is that there is so much truth in each one. And it is truth that white people [who have traditionally or historically been the dominant race group in both Americaland and South Africa] really could do well with hearing, and trying to understand.

I have only included snippets from each article in this post, so do yourselves a favour and go and read the whole article and then come back here and share your thoughts, whatever they may be.

The first is an article titled, Racism 2.0: Living in a post-racial America by Zach Freshley [the lines i have quoted are not one section but rather different thoughts i have pulled out from different places in the article]

If I had a dime for every time I’ve been called “the whitest black guy I know”, I could pay off the national debt. Ok, not really, but you get the point.

That HAS to be one of the most offensive things someone can say to a black person i imagine? Black friends help me out? And the worst is, i have this strong inherent feeling whispering to me from some distant memory that i have probably said that to someone before. Completely not meant offensively. i dunno, am i over-reacting? today it just feels really unkind…

Wrong. Racism is sneaky nowadays. It lurks in our conversations. It slips its way into the way we interact with people of different races. It embeds itself into the way we think. It’s not blatant and it’s not obvious. And most times, it’s not even intentional. But its subtlety is exactly what makes it so dangerous.

People say things like this all the time and it drives me crazy. You take one look at the amount of melanin in my skin and assume that you know everything about me. You assume you know the type of music I listen to. You assume you know how I should dress. You think you know all these things because you don’t see me as a unique human being. You see me as a category. You see me as a box to be checked on the census form.

And while I don’t apologize for anything I’ve said, I don’t want you to read this as a white person and feel like I’m attacking you. Because I’m not. I just want to let you know how we as minorities feel. I wanted to give you a small taste of what I go through on a daily basis. Not to elicit sympathy. Not to make you feel like a terrible person. I just want you to think. I want you to think about the way you treat people you don’t even know simply because they have a different shade of skin than you do. I don’t want you to treat me any differently as a person because I’m black. I don’t want you to see the color of my skin and make judgment calls on who I am because of it. I don’t want to be Black Zach. I want to be Zach who happens to be black. And if I can get you thinking about that distinction and how it applies in your life, then I’ve succeeded.

the second article is one that has been doing the round on the book of facements and it is titled 18 things white people seem to not understand [because, White Privilege by Macy Sto. Domingo and i think there was maybe one i didn’t agree with, but the rest are so true [and i only came to realise, see or believe a bunch of them since living in Philly and now Oakland where we have witnessed them first and second hand to be true]. Again, go and read the full list, but here is a taste…

2. White Privilege is being able to watch a movie, read a book and open the front page of a newspaper and see yourself and your race widely represented and spoken for.

4 White Privilege is living in a world where you are taught that people with your skin tone hold the standard for beauty.

9 White Privilege is not having your name turned into an easier-to-say Anglo-Saxon name.

10. White Privilege is being able to fight racism one day, then ignore it the next.

14. White Privilege is being pulled over or taken aside and knowing that you are not being singled out because of your race/colour.

15. White Privilege is not having to teach your children to be aware of systematic racism for their own protection.

It is quite easy and maybe tempting to dismiss some of these things, either by denying that they are true at all or by throwing out a ‘Can’t we just be done with this all and move on?’ statement which refuses to admit and own up to the reality that some people face. White privilege for the most part, with people i know at least, is not something we necessarily have chosen, but rather something we need to realise we have simply by having been born white in the country we were born in. I encourage you to read through both of these articles with fresh eyes, really seeking to hear the truths that are being shared. The come back here and let’s engage in some conversation.

How does reading that make you feel? 

[To jump back to the start of this conversation on Race, click here]

Taboo Topics: Race – What I would love my white friends to hear – Meet Tasha Melissa Govender

Having a read through a post on this blog and having a little chat about it on Facebook, I got offered a chance to offer my opinion. And since I love talking, not race relations, but people relations I really couldn’t pass up the opportunity. Please know that the little irks below are meant to help and enhance not bring down or hurt. So dearest non-melanin-having folk, here are a few little tips to help you enjoy a beautiful relationship with your fellow browner South Africans.

Being a 27 year old South African I started life at the end of apartheid and therefore missed a large amount of the trauma, having said that, remnants of a previous life always have a way of finding a little path into the present.

Growing up I was addicted to movies, old, new, fantasy- well pretty much every genre. Memorising favourite lines in its particular accent! It was and is something I still do, think Forest Gump and the shrimp scene.

Accents and varying dialects are a truly beautiful way of finding and understanding the truth of a culture and people within the spoken word. Which brings me to my first little irk, dear white people; please don’t imitate an ‘Indian’ accent.

I, like many others of my age who have been through a similar type of life experience, have a fairly anglicized accent, something I’d like to deem a South African accent (see how I made it my own)- all because of the people I’ve connected with, the institutions I’ve studied at and the home life I’ve had. Having said that, when I hear a supposed ‘Indian’ accent being used along with words such as ‘organise’ and ‘my connections’, I feel quite aggravated. Please note, whilst some of your tanner friends may laugh when you do that, they by no means enjoy it. It is truly patronising and to be honest, quite hurtful.  Those phrases are stereotypes I fight every day in the work place, so that people will see me for my worth and not as ‘the little Indian girl who has connections’. Whilst the accent may be an interpretation of what you hear, that dialect is the one that is heard throughout my family, my aunts, uncles and my grandmother. My grandmother, a barely educated woman who worked 50 hours a week in a clothing factory trying to scrap together enough money to send my mother to a university, efforts which eventually led to the liberated life I lead. When you use that accent you mock the sacrifices that were made by her and so many others.

So next up on my list is my golden brown-ness. Just because I am a woman of the brown persuasion doesn’t mean that I eat spicy food, or will cook said spicy food for you. Dear readers, there have been countless times in which a friend or colleague has asked me to cook them a pot of briyani or curry. My answer each time went something along the lines of this, “If you feel like eating a curry, you should definitely try one from the take-away down the road.” To connect or find a common denominator with each other does not mean you should bond with me based on the food you think I consume, you can chat about movies, books or even the weather. Also guys, I don’t ask you to make me a Sunday roast, so let’s just be friends by common interests even if that interest includes the love of food. If you’re confused, allow me to clarify, by those colleagues asking me to cook a random Asian dish, you have negated the value I have added to our little ecosystem and reduced my person to a purveyor of foods as opposed to one of thoughts and ideas.

And finally, please let us no longer make an assumption about my faith based on the way I look. Whilst I may be cocoa, I like many others, practise a faith that is particular to me and what my soul finds its peace with. So during Diwali, please don’t ask me for sweetmeats or assume I’m about to ill-treat my pets with use of fireworks. I am of the Christian faith and do not condone the use of fireworks. Please remember, we are all different, like snowflakes- but in my case the brown kind.

You’ll notice I keep referring to myself as South African and not as an Indian, it’s intentional. I truly believe that the moment we begin to see ourselves as the same, our physical differences will disappear and all that’ll be left is a fellow human trying to make their way through the world with the help of a few good souls. This land is our home. You and I come from its soil. Its heart, tears, triumphs and history has been tattooed on our skin.

So, dear potential Caucasian friends, hey there! Remember these few tips and we can be buddies- well that’s if you’re kind and a genuinely good human that laughs at bad jokes. If so, let’s do this, lets snort together. And remember, we’re individuals too. Don’t strip me of my nuisances and idiosyncrasies just because I have golden skin. I like Weird Al and Taylor Swift too. Let’s celebrate our differences, recognize the individual within and we can totes be homies!

For more from Tasha, take a look at her blog: http://youllmissthehumourousconclusion.blogspot.com

[To return to the start of this series and hear some amazing thoughts and stories from other people, click here]

Taboo Topics: Race – Meet Hari Kodabolu, some humour and the insulting idea of ‘The other’

Changing tack a little bit on this whole race conversation as we bring a little humour into it.

Comedian Hari Kondabolu appears on the David Letterman show and shares some race-related humour which becomes deeply insightful when you take a moment to realise some of the truths that the comedy is bases on and especially as he dives into the highly insulting idea of group of people from different races or cultures being classified simply as ‘Other’:

 

 

Have you ever been referred to as ‘Other’ in any context? 

 

[To return to the beginning of this series looking at different aspects of Race, click here]

 

Taboo Topics: Race – What I would love my white friends to hear – Meet Tshego Motiang

When this topic first came up, I chose not to get involved because I knew the controversy it would cause. People on all sides are generally exceptionally sensitive when it come to the topic of race. We can never just talk about our differences without an argument ensuing. Someone always has to overact out of offense and someone else will always have to pay by taking the blame. The conversation is almost not worth having because no one is ever willing to just listen and learn. Over and above that, I never considered myself a contender in the game. I was brought up differently, so I thought I had no say in the matter, but after reading the first post, I figured I could give it a shot.

I am a young black South African female who happened to be raised within the realms of the very popular western culture. Our parents wanted us to live and learn from the world without the restrictions and/or limitations of tradition. They wanted us to become who we were destined to be and not what culture dictated us to be. I was confused – but then again you would be too if you were expected to “hate” the enemy when they were the only friends you knew. While my sibling comfortably embraced some of our culture (speaking our mother tongue and befriending people of the same race), I chose to comfortably adopt the culture I was brought up in (white friends and speaking only English). It was tough because I never really knew where I fit in – when you have your feet in two different camps, there is always going to be a conflict of interest, but I’ll save you the sop story (and besides you’re already judging me)….

From my experience, I have realised that the question really shouldn’t be “What I Think A Specific Race Should Know” but rather “What I Think Everyone Should Know”. We’re all different and are influenced by our varying backgrounds, and it’s easy to just get angry and point fingers but it’s beneficial to learn and understand. Unfortunately, not everyone is going to know and/or relate to your past, your feelings or your point of view, so it’s your job to educate them. Instead of playing the oversensitive he said she said offense blame game, why not let curiosity be a teacher.

I have learnt through babysitting that kids will ask questions in order to gain understanding. Their intention is never to offend or hurt, but when they see something out of the ordinary; something they deem to be different, they want to know why and are brave enough to find out. And the answer you give them never changes their outlook or opinion of you. They don’t mock or tease you about it (well for the most part anyway), in fact, more often than not they leave having learnt something new and they respect you for it. You teach them what’s right and wrong and they will just go with it.

And so it should be with us adults, if someone is offending you or being uberly inquisitive, instead of pulling the race card or getting overly sensitive on the matter, why not respond by explaining why you don’t like it or why it makes you feel a specific way. There’s no point in getting angry and holding grudges over it – it helps no one and only creates more division among us. How will anyone ever know that something hurts you if you don’t explain it to them? There is nothing worse than having to walk on eggshells around a topic because we’re too scared of what the reaction might be… That’s just stupid!

We’ve got to put our fists down (stop being defensive) and have an open discussion about our differences. It’s time we learnt a little bit about each other in a safe non-threatening environment. Yes! Let’s discuss what my white friends should know and why, then turn the tables and discuss what my black, coloured, asian and indian friends should know and why. Let’s make it a group effort instead of a “them vs us” scenario; let’s get to know each other (what makes one person tick, may be a big fat joke for another – we’re ALL different like that), because the more you know the better you understand; and the better you understand, the more comfortable the interactions.

We won’t always get it right, but that’s why it’s so important to keep the lines of communication open, so we can continually learn along the way. It’s a never ending life lesson and we’ve got to see it as a journey, never a destination. It’s not a free ticket to be rude, judgmental and/or stereotypical… (try to see the bigger picture here) it’s an opportunity to gain knowledge and build relationship through understanding…

[For the next post, this time by Tasha Melissa Govender, click here]

Taboo Topics: Race – The power of words…

i came across this article,  ’21 Racial Microaggressions You Hear On A Daily Basis’, posted by Heben Nigatu on Buzzfeed, made me unbelievably sad, and in the context of the conversations we are having at Irresistibly Fish, felt like something worth adding in here so that some more people will hopefully have that ‘Oh’ moment of getting this a little bit more.

‘The term “microaggression” was used by Columbia professor Derald Sue to refer to “brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioral, or environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative racial slights and insults toward people of color.’ 

Click on the link to see all 21 pictures that were displayed, but here is just a sample to get a taste of how painfully some people get it wrong sometimes:

nortonism.tumblr.com

 

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What is the solution or at least the next step forward from here? What is the way forward in any of this race stuff? 

i would suggest that a good next step [and maybe my friends from other culture and race groups can back me up here?] would be to have a conversation… to ask a question… to listen to a story…

# listening to someone’s story always seems like an excellent place to start

# asking people you are friends with whether there is anything you say or do that causes them offence from a racial/cultural perspective, and then being willing to listen to what they say if there is something [this could be such an important one]

What else is there? If anyone has comments or suggestions or thoughts on any aspect of this Race conversation, i have created a little place over here for you to come and have your say if you would like.

p.s. Moving it a little closer to home, take a look at this selection of similiar pictures [some heart-breaking] done at the University of Cape Town, as shared by my friend, Tsholo…

[To return to the Intro and a whole growing bunch of other conversation pieces on Race, click here]