I am Stellenbosch [and other stories we tell our kids before they go to bed]

So this past week a picture appeared on my Twitterer of a white girl with a statement written on a board that made me cringe:

Suddenly more and more of these pictures were popping up all over Social Media and turns out there was an #IAmStellenbosch group inviting students at the University to write statements about themselves which challenge the stereotype of a typical Stellenbosch student and highlight the differences and individualities of each student.

Their vision statement reads: To create an awareness of the thousands of individual identities that are housed in this university and bring them together into a single identity that is Stellenbosch University. 

To those who have been keeping some kind of eye on recent Stellenbosch events, this seems to be a response to the Open Stellenbosch movement, much of which was capture in the video ‘Luister’ that was put together by Contraband Cape Town in collaboration with Open Stellenbosch which you can see over here linked to an article by Layla Leiman in which she writes, ‘The documentary shares the testimony of the lived experiences of black students at Stellenbosch University and the culture of racism, discrimination, exclusion and violence that continues at Stellenbosch University 21 years after democracy.’

What is quite interesting to me, reading the vision and mission statement of #IAmStellenbosch [which you can find in their Facebook group] is that line one of their mission is: To create a platform of communication in which students listen to each other this not being through dialogue but discourse.

Whereas their poster campaign seems to be a knee-jerk reaction doing quite the opposite.

And it becomes quickly clear from reading some of the response comments to #IAmStellenbosch that there is some deep listening that needs to happen:

Nkosikhona Rabu Ntshiqa: This is all silencing fam. No real issues are on this mission statement; there’s nothing about the curriculumn change or anything hard core as that. Please take Black people serious; these are baby answers to very old and martured problems. There is no decolonization or anything of such form in this mission statement; this is all Mandela politics

There is no systematic change or anything of such. Students won’t take each other serious if this is all that you guys are planning to do. The same system that was undermining Black people is the same one used even now; this will cause conflicts and more frustration amongst Black people. We demand true decolonization; not just pictures of people with no problems writing shit and smiling for the camera; this is a serious issue please treat it with such seriousness and energy. Don’t waste our time.

Ruwayne Williams: This #iamstellenboschcampaign is the same as the stupid#whereisthelove event which was used to silence black voices and ignore black pain.#Furious#

Bonunu Ditshego: Is this something like#AllLivesMatter campaign that followed#blacklivesmatter? You people should take your patronizing BS and F yourselves. Try to#StopKony while you at it.

Sandile Mzilikazi Khumalo: This is the kind of institutionalised racism pandered by liberals who want to the existence of class identifiers, in particular the experiences of the black working class, at the expense of superficial individual identities.

THIS IS NOT JUST A SOUTH AFRICAN PROBLEM

During our time in Americaland, i became very aware that the story of people of colour over there mirrors that of those living in South Africa in so many ways. Even though the chief narrative is quite different for a number of reasons, many of the same themes and similar experiences and mindsets seem to pervade and so i believe there is a lot to be learned from studying both.

Earlier this year #BlackOutDay started trending on the Twitterer as a means for black people to celebrate black beauty and fight against the kind of negative images black people were used to seeing in the media:

You Tube personality Franchesca Ramsey told ABC News:

“Unfortunately, in most popular media talking about black people and our bodies, it’s mostly of us breaking the law, being killed or mistreated,” Ramsey added. “So it’s nice to combat these negative images and stereotypes with positive representations of ourselves.”

i found this blog post written by Akilah Hughes titled It’s Not About You which highlights some of the same issues that the detractors of #IAmStellenbosch are seeing and feeling:

During the wildly successful Blackout Day of March 6, black people posted and reblogged selfies on social media to promote community and the acceptance of features less visible in popular media. It was an uplifting day meant to remind black people, “you’re beautiful, too.” Some white people took offense. It wasn’t long after #BlackOutDay started trending worldwide on Twitter that the ‘whiteoutday’ hashtag became a thing.

Blackout Day did not claim that non-black people are immune to body image issues, or that others don’t face societal pressures. But, without fail, any time a historically oppressed group asserts their equality by boldly denying any inferiority to someone outside their group, some member of the un-oppressed majority takes it personally. Well, when oppressed groups take the initiative to lift themselves up, it is not an invitation to victimize yourself. Would you go to a toddler’s birthday party and kick over their cake to announce that you, too, have birthdays? The answer should be “no.”

Akilah ends off her post with this statement:

It. Wasn’t. About. Me.

Since that conversation, I’ve learned to listen before I follow my knee-jerk reaction and take offense at movements about which I’m not educated. It isn’t always easy to stop the instinct to be defensive, but it is necessary if things are ever going to get better. After really hearing the other side, ask yourself if anyone loses rights or status when that group gains theirs. John F. Kennedy said, “A rising tide lifts all boats.” It’s important to remember that sweeping progress benefits us all, so let others do what they must to finally achieve equality.

HOW DO THOSE IN THE KNOW DEAL WITH THOSE WHO AREN’T?

Which brings me to a question i posed as a status on Facebook yesterday and want to dig a little more deeply into:

Brett Fish Anderson: So ‘‪#‎IAmStellenbosch‬‘ – ridiculous right? As is ‪#‎YesAllPeople‬ response to‪#‎YesAllWomen‬ and ‪#‎BlackLivesMatter‬. i was thinking about it today and it comes i think out of a place of ignorance. So my thought is that it belongs perhaps to the privileged (and not the marginalized) to sit and explain to those in ignorance. So they can know. If then, they choose ignorance after being informed, well then they’re on their own. Those are thoughts that have been running around my head.

As friendlyly as is possible, what is your response to that? i know many of my informed friends are just exhausted from explaining and that for too long it was expected that the marginalised should explain so that is my light bulb moment for today. What think you? ‪#‎IAmFacebook‬

To which some of my friends responded:

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Nick Frost: The marginalized can’t explain because the privileged don’t listen. That’s what the whole thing is about, the inability to shut up for once and listen. Stellies students think they can slap a hashtag on a half assed “upliftment initiative” and sing their problems away.

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Bruce Collins: Yeah. I looked at that #iamstellenbosch stuff and all I could think was “what is the point?”

It seems like a way to minimise what people are really experiencing by saying that others do not have similar experiences. It is also, in my opinion, an attempt to justify all that’s wrong at Stellenbosch. You see, just because some people are ok with the status quo that doesn’t mean that the status quo is right.

Furthermore, #iamstellenbosch is all about speaking and very little about listening.

What bothers me most are all the “I’m not a racist” statements. Instead of saying that, live it by listening.

Nick Frost: White guys listening to rap music does not equal the end of racism. Sorry #iamstellenbosch

Bruce Collins: Word! That was so ridiculous. “I am Afrikaans and my favourite artist is Drake”
Noddy badge? Hell no!

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Alexa Russell Matthews: Opportunities to be allies is what went through my head…. [This is a reference to a piece i am working on putting together with some friends of mine over here]

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Beben Cadman: It does not end anything but it highlights stereotypes. Doing something is better than nothing.

Kerri-Leigh Wayne: Exactly, it reinforces stereotypes

Beben Cadman: I don’t think it does. I think the more we say who we think we are the more it creates dialogue, the more we can be challenged, the more we grow. It’s the pretentiousness for a long time that culminated in these realities in this crucial year of 20 years of democracy. Yes we should be listening but talking tells us where we really at. I welcome any dialogue as long as we as people are challenged, reconciled and unified. Even us who might think we standing on the right side of human rights.

Tanisha NishNash Schultz: I feel “I am Stellenbosch” is trying to reinforce unity amongst students.

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Wayne Eaves: Good ask – we are at the beginning of a rise of a new wave of black consciousness in SA (or one just more public, I admit my ignorance), a conversation to which we are not invited at this juncture. Speaking into something uninvited is in many ways the quintessential essence of postmodern privelege. We need to learn to listen, to dig into our own history, deconstruct and restructure various paradigms – which facebook does not give me space to deal with – love the question!

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Megan Furniss: I have a new take. A brand new one. I will no longer be embarrassed by these ignoramuses. I will not care about them.

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Kerri-Leigh Wayne: It definitely isn’t the marginalised who should be explaining. I try to be listening more, like Wayne suggests, that’s been something I really have to work towards. But I still talk to white people around me, even if they remain ignorant and my views are unpopular, because I was, and still am, ignorant too. Being called out is what helps me to see that. I am not embarrassed by these people – they don’t represent me and many people have been socialised quite heavily into believing what they do, so it does not even reflect on the type of person he or she is. I also try not to ever take a conversation (or its derailment) personally. Having said that, I cringe intensely when I see an album like the #IamStellenbosch one but I am glad to see that some of the heaviest criticism of the privileged views espoused by the photos are being tackled by white people in the comments section.

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Brett Fish Anderson: i will blog further on this cos i think it is a helpful conversation to do a little deeper in. i think one of the big problems is that those of us who are somewhat informed – who have walked a bit of a journey in this – take for granted the informedness we have and then assume others have it and are making those same choices. i think we need to give more grace to uninformed and ignorant so that they have the opportunity to become informed and norant? Okay that’s probably not a word but it should be.

i doubt a student in Stellenbosch was being malicious, they honestly did what they thought was a good thing and so there has to be some moment of that opportunity happening to change that. i look back on my journey and at 41 I have been digging into this stuff more deeply for the last five years and so i could quite easily have been that student. I didn’t do so good. So it feels necessary for me to be prepared to take time to coach other people through.

Megan Furniss: You know what I think Brett? You are clever and kind and norant, and brave and full of energy. Spend it on those who need it most, and who can use you best. Others can get in line. There is work to be done and we need to act fast. Just went to witness Lingua Franca and I was totally humbled by them. It’s not about ‘us’ (read white people) anymore.

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What about you? If people around you [or online] seem ignorant about something which you have learned/studied/lived through/experienced do you believe that it is worth taking time and energy to school them with the facts so that they can understand and have a chance to ‘get it’? Or should the focus and emphasis be on those who do and moving forwards with them? Play nice in the comments but i would LOVE to hear some conversation on this…

[For some Creative Ideas on How to Become a Better Ally, click here] 

i’m not sure you’re against that thing you think you’re against: part rape culture

The phrase is off-putting and in some ways misleading [to someone who doesn’t understand what it means at any rate].

Tell a guy he is a part of the existing rape culture and he is most likely to react strongly against that:

“How dare you suggest I’m a rapist? Or put me in the same grouping as rapists as if I could be one of them.”

Well, sometimes that thing you think you’re against is not really the thing you’re against.

 

WELL, WHAT DOES IT MEAN THEN?

Let me be really clear here – I am not an expert on this and so I am sharing what I [and others I am reading] understand the term to mean. I believe that being able to wrap our minds [yes guys, this is especially important to us, and if we can turn off our reaction responses for a few minutes and simply try read to understand, that will really be helpful] around this is so  very important if we are going to ever have any chance of seeing any kind of change take place. And we REALLY need to see a whole lot of change taking place.

So let’s see what some others have to say:

Rape culture is a concept which links rape and sexual violence to the culture of a society, and in which prevalent attitudes and practices normalize, excuse, tolerate, and even condone rape. [wikipedia]

Rape Culture is an environment in which rape is prevalent and in which sexual violence against women is normalized and excused in the media and popular culture.  Rape culture is perpetuated through the use of misogynistic language, the objectification of women’s bodies, and the glamorization of sexual violence, thereby creating a society that disregards women’s rights and safety. [Women’s Center, Marshall University]

In a rape culture, people are surrounded with images, language, laws, and other everyday phenomena that validate and perpetuate, rape. Rape culture includes jokes, TV, music, advertising, legal jargon, laws, words and imagery, that make violence against women and sexual coercion seem so normal that people believe that rape is inevitable. Rather than viewing the culture of rape as a problem to change, people in a rape culture think about the persistence of rape as “just the way things are.” [from the article ‘Upsetting Rape Culture’ on Force]

Rape culture: a society where men take and women surrender and that’s the relatively unchallenged status quo [Leanne Meihuizen]

Rape Culture is about desensitization, says Lee Lakeman, spokesperson for the Canadian Association of Sexual Assault Centres.

MY THOUGHTS ON WHY THIS IS SUCH A BIG DEAL

A lot of people have dismissed this as “a feminist thing” which is dismissed based largely on the loaded perception many people have with regards to the term ‘feminist’.

A lot of men have dismissed this conversation saying that “it is out to paint all men as rapists” or that “it is an unfair generalisation that is aimed at making all men look bad”.

I really think both of those views and others which simply dismiss without really taking time to simply listen and learn are unfair and detrimental. The message of ‘I am discounting what you are saying’ and ‘Your experiences and feelings in this regard are not valid or worth paying serious attention to’ actually end up adding proof or backing to what an increasing number of women across the world are trying to say.

My own personal journey into understanding the concept of ‘rape culture’ or at least that it even was a concept, began a few years ago when i read a number of articles and heard some different opinions being expressed about it. But recently when first the #YesAllWomen and later #EachEveryWoman tags became a growing phenomenon on Twitter i took some time reading a lot of the messages that were being shared and my heart broke again and again reading about some of the experiences and stories that were being shared.

My first response was to write this piece which is not definitive by any means, but was me, as a man, feeling that i needed to say something and add another male voice to the conversation:

https://brettfish.wordpress.com/2014/05/25/yesallmen-should-really-pay-attention-to-yesallwomen/

About a week later, while sitting outside our apartment, just letting my thoughts roam, i put this more poetic piece together which was also a response to #YesAllWomen, or more accurately, a lament:

https://brettfish.wordpress.com/2014/06/03/yesallwomen-a-lament/

I’m not exactly sure of the specifics of this story but i later heard [many times] that they had to change #YesAllWomen to #EachEveryWomen because the two women who started the original tag were being harrassed and threatened [as in receiving death threats].

HELP ME UNDERSTAND

I imagine that if you’re a woman, you already get this and so this whole piece is simply a lot of head nodding and ‘I wish [fill in name] would get this’. What you can do is be encouraged to keep sharing about this with your male friends. Help them to really see that you are not trying to paint them all as rapists and that this is not some ‘those people’ thing on the internet, but that this affects most if not all women across the planet each and every day. What you can do is normalise it in terms of the language you use, the stories you share, help avoid any kind of emotive shut-down response a guy might have when he comes across an article and just walk him through it.

If you’re a guy, the biggest help for me in this [and it was NOT fun!] was to read through the #YesAllWomen tags on Twitter. If you don’t have an account, you know someone who does. Spend ten minutes and read through them – there are some troll comments of course – but if you spend any amount of time there, not judging or trying to excuse or figure out – just listening – just reading – then you will start to understand what is really going on out there. Then take a minute [I would not recommend longer] and read through some comments on the #YesAllMen tag and find out just how messed up some men [and some women] can be – part parody, part aggressive, part complete hate speech – this tag that was set up as a response to the #YesAllWomen tag really made me angry, sad and disgusted. Then there is also #YesAllPeople which was very likely a well-intentioned middle-ground type piece, suggesting that this is something that affects everyone and because guys can be on the receiving end of sexual abuse and rape that we should rather look at it more holistically. Which does have some merit, but also, when the difference is between ‘some men’ and ‘almost all women’ it actually removes focus from where the focus needs to be. So while a man may be a victim of similiar experiences, a guy generally doesn’t have the same kind of fear walking down a street when a woman he doesn’t know is walking closely behind him, or when he steps into an elevator with only one other person in it and it’s a woman. Much of the idea of ‘rape culture’ is the fear many women have of men because of their experience of life so far.

Another thing you can do as a guy, especially if you are somehow still finding this hard to believe, is talk to ten of your female friends and ask them if they have any fear towards men [for example if they are walking down the street and a man is behind them] and listen to their stories.

Or read this article – Are Mass Media creating a culture of rape? – [which contains some disturbing content, but sometimes we need to be disturbed when the culture we are part of starts to look like this.] When people make jokes about rape, when rape has become a term we use to speak of sports matches or exams that went badly,  or facebook statuses that were hijacked, when advertisers use imagery suggesting rape to sell their products then Edmund Burke’s well-known quote starts to become chillingly true:

Here are some more Examples of Rape Culture:

• Blaming the victim (“She asked for it!”)
• Trivializing sexual assault (“Boys will be boys!”)
• Sexually explicit jokes
• Tolerance of sexual harassment
• Inflating false rape report statistics
• Publicly scrutinizing a victim’s dress, mental state, motives, and history
• Gratuitous gendered violence in movies and television
• Defining “manhood” as dominant and sexually aggressive
• Defining “womanhood” as submissive and sexually passive
• Pressure on men to “score”
• Pressure on women to not appear “cold”
• Assuming only promiscuous women get raped
• Assuming that men don’t get raped or that only “weak” men get raped
• Refusing to take rape accusations seriously
• Teaching women to avoid getting raped instead of teaching men not to rape

And from the same source:

How can men and women combat Rape Culture?

• Avoid using language that objectifies or degrades women
• Speak out if you hear someone else making an offensive joke or trivializing rape
• If a friend says she has been raped, take her seriously and be supportive
• Think critically about the media’s messages about women, men, relationships, and violence
• Be respectful of others’ physical space even in casual situations
• Always communicate with sexual partners and do not assume consent
• Define your own manhood or womanhood.  Do not let stereotypes shape your actions.
• Get involved! Join a student or community group working to end violence against women.

[http://www.marshall.edu/wcenter/sexual-assault/rape-culture]

I also found this list of 25 every day examples of rape culture of which here are just four examples:

3. A judge who sentenced only 30 days in jail to a 50-year-old man who raped a 14-year-old girl (who later committed suicide), and defended that the girl was “older than her chronological age.”

9. Journalists who substitute the word “sex” for “rape” – as if they’re the same thing.

14. Rape jokes – and people who defend them.

22. Only 3% of rapists ever serving a day in jail.

 

References

1. Justice Department, National Crime Victimization Survey: 2008-2012
2. FBI, Uniform Crime Reports: 2006-2010
3. National Center for Policy Analysis, Crime and Punishment in America, 1999
4. Department of Justice, Felony Defendents in Large Urban Counties: average of 2002-2006
5. Department of Justice, Felony Defendents in Large Urban Counties: average of 2002-2006

[https://rainn.org/get-information/statistics/reporting-rates]

SO OVERWHELMING

And so what can we do to make any difference to something that is so deeply embedded in our global culture?

• Start by being educated – realise this thing is a thing – stop being defensive about it and missing it altogether – take time and be uncomfortable while doing so but push through

 

• Listen – if you’re a guy, then give some space for your female friends to share their thoughts and experiences on this and really just listen without defending/reacting/explaining away/saying things like “yes but not every man is like that” which is true but doesn’t validate their experience and story – just listen and try and really hear

 

• Make a stand – every time someone uses the word ‘rape’ to mean something that is not rape, i challenge them on it. Usually quietly in their inbox or in a conversation, but it is not cool when people do that. Ever. When someone tells a rape joke in front of you, you don’t have to make a big scene but just tell them strongly that that is not okay. When someone is wearing clothing that promotes rape culture, speak up;  when you see an advertisement using aggressively sexualised imagery, boycott the product, write to the company and let them know it’s not okay.

What else? I firmly believe that this is a conversation and movement that women need to be leading and being the chief voices of… but in what is still largely a male-dominated society, that might not always be the thing that happens naturally and so as a man I can create space for them to speak [as @micahmurray did on his blog where he invited a number of women to share their stories] or at least shush the man crowd a little, so that their voices can be heard.

This also needs to be more than a one week Kony2010 video that we share and get excited about and deeply passionate towards and a week later we have completely forgotten and moved on to the next thing. This needs to be a lifestyle change and an ongoing conversation and battle. We need to be a louder, stronger and more hands-on involved part of the culture that we have chosen to live in.

 

 [I also really found this article titled ‘A Gentleman’s Guide to Rape Culture’ really helpful in terms of understanding and action]

[An Article by Pamela Clark with 35 helpful tips – don’t agree with all of them but most are great – to help men improve in this area]

 

#YesAllWomen: a lament

i go outside

and sit on the top step in front of my apartment

and look around…

taking in the sights

listening to the noise

a family preparing for a celebration across the street

the sound of a car backfiring, further down the road

a laugh, an ambulance siren, a child’s excited scream, the sound of two cats fighting, the music starting up

and all seems normal

this all feels right and good

i pause and take it all in…

 

[time passes]

 

i move indoors

and sit in front of my laptop computer

and look around…

taking in the tweets

listening amidst the noise

and somehow stumble upon a hashtag

that might appear like any other hashtag

but somehow does not

 

a community trying desperately to rise above the silence and find and use their voices to start sharing their stories #YesAllWomen

a community responding with defensiveness, parody and even outright aggression #YesAllMen

a community for the most part meaning well but demonstrating a complete missing of the point #YesAllPeople

 

“Because I get more hate and looks for wearing shorts than men get from each other for sexual assault.” #YesAllWomen

“Handyman came to house to fix a door. 50% of my brain was on escape plan if he tried to attack me.” #YesAllWomen

“When a man says no in this culture, it’s the end of a discussion. When a woman says no, it’s the beginning of a negotiation.” #YesAllWomen

“Because when star high school athletes rape a teenage girl, the headline is about their ruined careers and not her messed up life.” #YesAllWomen

“Because what men fear most about going to prison is what women fear most about walking down the sidewalk.” #YesAllWomen

 

as i read and i read and try to make sense of it all

the list just seems to go on and on and on

this all seems like it is their normal

and there is nothing good and right about this

i pause and try to take it all in

 

[days pass]

 

here i am once more

i sit in a state of deep thought and confusion and sadness

and look inside…

taking in the search

listening for a sound

a sound of hope

a whisper of change

the hint of possibility

sign of a better thing to come

but still the melody plays on…

 

for all the nights I’ve walked home with my keys poking out of my knuckles #YesAllWomen

for the meaningless goodbye call of ‘Text me when you arrive there #YesAllWomen

for the fear she has when she is the only other person in the elevator even though he is in uniform #YesAllWomen

for the need she feels to quicken her pace when she realises the person walking behind her is a man #YesAllWomen

 

For every single female friend and relative of mine who has been abused or threatened in any way #YesAllWomen

For every lewd suggestionand comment my wife had to listen to on the way to work any time she walked by herself #YesAllWomen

For the time my wife had to beg two guys sitting in their car to get out and help her when he was harrassing her on the street #YesAllWomen

For every cringeworthy male and female response i have been unfortunate to read this last week by those who don’t ‘get’ it #YesAllWomen

 

[more time]

 

once more, here i am

i am a man

i feel the legacy of a system i have in part inherited

i sense the responsibility i have to shape, fashion and change what i witness around me

but also the importance of me not leading the struggle or revolution

for that requires a woman’s voice

that cries out for women’s voices

but perhaps i can in part show support

in part do my best to draw attention to the importance of this conversation

in part try my best to call for some measure of quiet among the frenzy of messed up misunderstanding and oppositional blabber

i can model and speak up and challenge and inspire and refuse to be drawn in and help and walk away from and intervene

and i can write and point and show and tell and hope and pray and teach and sing

and i can be. and be well.

 

and until, collectively, we can figure out what do to

how to move forward

how to see this change in action

until such a time…

 

together we can hold hands and walk tall and cheer each other on

looking forward together

towards a new normal

one that feels right and good

 

for all.

 

but until that time, #YesAllWomen

 

[by brett Fish anderson, @brettfisha]

[To read my original post explaining why this is so important for men to be paying attention to, click here]

 

 

 

 

 

 

the day i didn’t give a stranger a ride…

Earlier today i was sitting working in Starbucks while Chris Martin sang gentle somewhat melancholic tunes to me.

SUDDENLY, like in a movie [one that was maybe titled ‘Everyone in Starbucks rushes pointingly at the window’] everyone in the store suddenly started rushing to the window behind me, pointing and looking very much like they had just witnessed someone steal a laptop computer from an unassuming customer outside before jumping through the window of a car that came screaming up and drove wildly off into the distance.

What had happened to cause such a ruckus, you might ask? [especially if you were the kind of person who uses words like ‘ruckus’ in ordinary everyday sentences].

Well, outside the Starbucks store, and clearly visible through the window behind me, a man had just had his laptop grabbed by a young guy who then jumped through the window of a car that came screaming up and drove wildly off into the distance. 

Talk about action. No, that was an observation, not a command. Stop actually discussing the concept of ‘action’ and pay attention here…

TO LAPTOP IT OFF

What made it a little worse for the guy in question was that a short while later i overheard him speaking on his phone in Starbucks and he was telling the person on the other end of the phone, [and me, i guess, but with far less intentionality], that this was the second time it had happened to him. The second time he had lost a laptop.

This was starting to sound like my life for a second [For the record, i think i am on three – two stolen and one blown over the side of a mountain by a gust of wind – true story!]

i was super bummed for the guy and spent a bunch of time trying to figure out if there was anything i could do for him. “Um, sorry you lost your laptop computer, but can i buy you a Flourless Chewy Chocolate Cookie?” didn’t seem like the most helpful of things to say, and “Hey, can i buy you a new laptop?” didn’t feel like anything i wanted to try and explain to tbV later that evening.

TWO BREADS, FIVE FISH

The one thing i had heard him say [this is not a blog post about the importance of not eavesdropping on people in coffee shops just in case you thought that was the twist cautiously making its way to you] was something about needing to go somewhere to pick up a different computer so he could finish the work he needed to do.

On this particular day i happened to have the black tinted window gangster BMW we have been kindly lent for the last few months and so eventually i approached him and pretended to grab his bag. No, i didn’t. That would have been horrible. Stoppit! But i asked him if he had a vehicle and explained that i had one and if he needed to get somewhere i could give him a ride.

He seemed genuinely moved and appreciative, but he turned down the ride with some or other reason i didn’t listen to [i felt like i’d eavesdropped enough by that point] and i went on my way. And as he left the Starbucks a little later, he turned to me and gave me one of those we-both-get-the-same-thing subtle head nods and i smiled at him because i had no idea why he was subtly head nodding and figured i needed to pretend i did or else he might come back in and try to explain it to me.

START WHERE YOU ARE

So a story about me not giving a stranger a lift. How useful is that?

Well, i am hoping there is a bit of a point.

This past weekend the whole #YesAllWomen hashtag and ensuing stories and blog posts and articles really affected me quite deeply. i resonated so deeply with the message that was being both passionately shared and enthusiastically pushed back against. But i didn’t really have any idea what to do to make any of it any less painful.

So i wrote this blog post. And it didn’t feel like much at all, and probably wasn’t. But it was something. Like the little kid in the story of Jesus feeding the crowd who gave up his lunch [which let’s face it was completely ridiculously underwhelming in the face of the immense need] i gave what i had and hoped against hope that it would be used to accomplish far more than it ever had the capacity to achieve in and of itself. All i really had to offer was awareness and i am looking at what feels like the next step which is asking the right questions [anyone know what ‘The Right Questions’ are? or one right question? even one ‘Heading towards rightish’ question might be a good start?]

DO WHAT YOU CAN

On another day, the laptopless guy might have really appreciated a lift somewhere. i hope that i will be the one asking when that happens.

i am trying to cultivate a mindset of being more open to invite the interruption that happens around me. You see, i had a bunch of work i was in the middle of doing, so giving this guy a lift would certainly not have been convenient. It probably would not have been comfortable [cos he probably would have wanted to speak to me or something… urgh… and then expected me to maybe speak back.] But it would have been great.

If he had needed a lift, i imagine he would have felt loved. Actually i imagine he felt that anyways [that subtle head nod had to mean SOMEthing?]

And that is a great start. It is not a great finish. There is more we can do. There are more significant ways for us to get involved, but we have to do what we can and hope that something more impressive reveals itself as we do so.

That is all. Except i’m not that convinced that i would ever go and watch a movie called  ‘Everyone in Starbucks rushes pointingly at the window’, no matter how much Johnny Depp starred in it.

[One man who has inspired by me in this by sharing his platform with some women so that their voices can be heard is Micah J Murray and you can read some of those powerful posts over here in this first post by Becca Rose]

Yesallmen should really pay attention to #YesAllWomen

There’s a new hashtag in town. 

Followed by a yawn right? Cos who cares about hashtags? Aren’t they just like ‘groups’ on Facebook?

What is a group on Facebook? Someone starts a group based on some topic they feel passionate about such as interesting shapes of clouds, bonsai tree gardening or stuffed animals – you get an invite, you join the group and… NOTHING ELSE EVER HAPPENS. I dunno, maybe you’re in better groups than me, but for the most part they are a way of identifying that you have a particular interest, but not much else. However, the two groups that actually ever did anything, became incredible community spaces because people really got invested and engaged and those were great!

Same with hashtags on Twitter, for the most part. Occasionally you find something fun or interesting and are able to follow it to get more info or greater laughs.

#MeteorShower from Friday night was a classic example of that – huge exciting natural phenomenon of epic proportions prophecied by the people of science, but for the most part the experience of Meteor Shower Watching was a huge anticlimax and led to some classics such as:

i watched the #meteorshower lastnight pic.twitter.com/oSV7eusUj5

— ❥kenZ (@Kenzliee) May 24, 2014

and:

This is SO perfect! 😉 #meteorshower (@KathrynProciv) pic.twitter.com/W7FYIHI8vl — Maria LaRosa ☼ (@twcMariaLaRosa) May 24, 2014

i even got into the act making some Hollywood adapted references to Meteor flavoured movies such as:

No #meteorshower for old men. #Hollywoodgetsintotheact

— Brett FISH Anderson (@BrettFishA) May 24, 2014

and my most popular:

Meteor Shower club. Rule 1 of Meteor Shower Club. There is no Meteor Shower. #meteorshower #Hollywoodgetsintotheact — Brett FISH Anderson (@BrettFishA) May 24, 2014

Thus, in certain situations, hashtags have definitely had their uses, but not many of them as significant as #YesAllWomen which has hit the ground running and been gathering speed over the last 24 hours. 

WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?

Apparently the hashtag was created as a response to the tragic story of the shooting in Santa Barbara on Friday which took the lives of 6 people, as the shooter apparently had a lot of videos on You Tube where he vented his frustrations against women. You can read the article that speaks about the connection over here.

But #YesAllWomen is also part of a longer conversation that involves the rights and freedoms of women and includes topics like the much-misunderstood concept of ‘rape culture’ [the idea that the woman who experiences a rape is made to feel like a victim all over again by how she is treated/judged/looked at afterwards]. This feels like it has been gaining momentum in the last few years and #YesAllWomen is finally an opportunity for it to be brought to a wider audience.

I happened to stumble upon it by accident by following a link [ah so that’s what the hashtag is for] to #YesAllWomen from a tweet someone had retweeted which appeared on my wall. When i started reading, i was deeply moved by some of the messages that i read, such as these:

 

#YesAllWomen because women are taught how to defend themselves instead of men being taught not to hurt women

— J U N I O R S (@The2015Seniors) May 26, 2014

 

 

Because it’s a sick, sad world when I have to teach my five year old daughter about special areas that nobody else can touch #yesallwomen — ella (@sheandlife_) May 26, 2014

 

#YesAllWomen because @louisck is right. pic.twitter.com/pVNmnFaA6P — A is For (@AIsForOrg) May 25, 2014

It was really great seeing some celebs come on board as clearly they have the kind of audience that will help get a message like this moving quicker. Here is one from Patton Oswalt, who hosted the recent Webby awards that celebrated all things internet:

To the guys angry at #YesAllWomen: good. You’re angry ‘cuz you’re getting shaken up. I’m shaken up. It leads to understanding. — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) May 25, 2014

I also found a link to a blog post by Gina Denny which helped explain the hashtag a little more clearly as many people were clearly misunderstanding it and a lot of them [typically men, nice one us!] were getting angry and seeing it as something that was being used against all men. Read this post! This excerpt from the blog piece sums it up well

Writer and comedian Sara Benincasa told The Daily Beast, “#YesAllWomen is important because a lot of very good guys just don’t know what it’s like to walk around in a female body. They don’t know what it’s like to live with the constant nagging threat of sexual violence every time we walk to our cars alone in a parking garage, or walk down the street at night to pick up food for our kids. They don’t know what it’s like to get grabbed, poked, and prodded in public by strangers who are bigger and stronger than we are. Being a woman can be really scary, and if more guys realized it, they might modify their own behavior or call their friends out on bad behavior.”

The hashtag, Benincasa said, has united women to share their stories online. “Seeing one woman share her story can give another woman the idea that it is safe to do so.”

COME ON MEN, WE CAN DO BETTER

Wow, so i thought it would be a good idea to check out the #YesAllMen tag before posting this and so literally just went on there now and am so completely bummed [and sadly not surprised at all] to see the typical response which has, for the most part, been a combination of parody or anger directed towards those taking part in the #YesAllWomen conversation.

At the same time, I have to cheer all the men [and there have been a lot] who have climbed on board, like Patton Oswalt and others, in terms of adding their voices to this tag which was created for women to be able to share their stories. One of the most powerful responses for me [which proved to me how valid and valuable this is] is women who commented that reading through the hashtag messages resonated with so much of what was said which combated the feelings many of them had of being alone. As with many of the Taboo Topics i share stories from on my blog [dealing with issues/experiences such as losing a child, abortion, infertility, even singleness] the power in them comes when a person who is struggling through something alone, finds that there is a larger community they are a part of, of people who at least in some way understand.

But reading through #YesAllMen [which i don’t even want to give a second of attention to by posting examples here or giving a link – some of the commentary there was pure filth] just backs up how important this conversation is and hopefully finding ways that we can make progress in that area, which is clearly the source of a lot of pain for many women.

CAN WE PLEASE STAY FOCUSED ON THE THING

And then there is also #YesAllPeople which i imagine may have been started by some well meaning person who thought that we should all be focusing on these issues together. Or very likely not – there seems to be a mix of comments on there ranging from sarcastic and well-meaning to aggressive and eye-rolling and more. But what it does is it takes the focus of a very real issue that has been raised and in some part says that it is not important or worth really listening to. This tweet sums it up so well:

When rape, gender-targeted murder, and street harassment affect both sexes equally, then #YesAllPeople. But until then? #YesAllWomen — Christina Allen Page (@sihayadesigns) May 26, 2014

So yes, there is probably a need for the idea of #YesAllPeople for a range of topics and issues and areas that need some focus and discussion. But this is not one of them. There is a need for men everywhere to be LISTENING and REALLY TRYING TO HEAR AND EMPATHISE AND UNDERSTAND what is being said. We will probably never ‘get it’ until the wolf whistles start happening to us and we can’t walk down a street with a woman following us and be in absolute fear or when we get judged by our clothing and treated in many ways like second rate citizens.

We won’t fully get it, but we can try to understand and we HAVE TO LISTEN!

I am a man. And i support #YesAllWomen. As the graphic at the top says, it should not have to be because she is someone’s sister or mother or daughter… but it should be enough that she is someone. And deserves our care and respect. Hopefully a day is coming when we don’t need to wear things like this:

#YesAllWomen and #YesAllMen need to talk to their sons about consent as much as they talk to their girls about safety pic.twitter.com/QH45Fm9tSM — Michael Abood (@michaelabood1) May 25, 2014

[To read the Lament i wrote on the whole #YesAllWomen movement, click here]

[To read the three part series i wrote last year shortly after my wife, tbV, was harrassed on the street in Oakland, titled ‘On why rape [and violence to women in general] needs to be taken seriously, click here] 

[To read an incredible letter from a parent to her two young boys to help them make great decisions with regards to situations linked to bullying and rape, click here]