How to Love Your Woman Better part the Defining of Love

Hollywood (and the greater media) pretty much says (intimates) that love is a feeling and that the expression of that feeling is sex, and also pretty much once the feeling goes love has gone and you should walk away (and get a divorce). Which is why we have such a huge divorce rate where one out of three (or is it two now) marriages end in divorce.

But there is another, better way…

A way that says ‘Love is patient’

Love is kind…

It does not envy…

It does not boast…

It is not proud…

It is not rude…

It is not self-seeking…

It is not easily-angered…

It keeps no record of wrongs [read that one again!]

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects…

It always hopes…

It always perseveres [read that one again!]

Love never fails! [it makes mistakes, but it doesn’t fail]

A lot of you will no doubt recognise this passage from the Bible in the letter Paul writes to the Corinthians [1 Cor 13.4-8] but i have yet to see a better understanding and explanation of what love is or should be about.

But for those of you who are familiar with the passage you probably recognised it and went ‘ah, i know that’ and skimmed down to see what i would say about it. Don’t do that. Go back – in fact all of you, if you are serious about loving your woman (man, parents, kids, friends) better then work through these points one by one and ask ‘is this true for me?’ and if not then what am i going to do to change it?

One way that might help is by substituting your name for every time it refers to love and seeing how much you laugh or cringe at the statement…

So brett is patient… [laugh? cringe?]

brett doesn’t keep a record of wrongs… [laugh? cringe?]

brett always protects, trusts, hopes… [laugh? cringe?]

brett never fails…?

Love involves choice, it involves being intentional, it involves sacrifice. True love involves lifting up the other person above yourself (needs, wants, desires) and taking care of them/theirs first.

Love your woman better! It’s so much bigger than a feeling. It’s so much greater than just sex. It’s never worth walking away from just cos either of those run out.

For the next part of ‘How to Love your woman better’ – Small Intentional Sacrifices – click here.

How to Love your Woman Better part arguing well. Part I (of III)

This one goes out to those of you who have girlfriends or wives (and if you’ve been paying attention and using your brains all along this series you will realise that most of what i say would fit into a ‘how to love your man better’ series or be applied to family and friends and work colleagues to differing extents so i hope no-one has been put off by the titles – i am specifically wanting to help guys be better men which is why i am addressing it to them) because as amazing and incredible and heart-fluttering and life-transforming and silly-grin-forming and so on as it is, there will come a time…

Being married is not easy. Well i mean it is. A lot. A lot of lots of easy. A lot of the time. But not all of the time. Sometimes it is not easy. Sometimes it is work/effort. Sometimes it is sacrifice and compromise. And sometimes it is arguing…

Because inevitably that will happen. If you never ever argue or fight in your relationship then chances are you are not being real with each other. In fact i’d stake the farm on it. I don’t have a farm, but if i did this is the bet i’d gamble it on. And i don’t think it is much of a gamble. There may be some couple reading this who go ‘oh but we never fight’ – if you’re a long distance couple and see each other for two days once a month then that is likely to be true because every night is date night and mxit or facebook or sms or phone call only reveal the good positive happy fun side of your person. But if you are in ongoing relationship (and especially if you are married when you have to stick around – and more importantly choose to – you can’t not be there when you don’t feel like it or when you’re cranky or she’s cranky or you both are) and see each other a lot, there will be conflict. [or one of you or even both in our grande dislike of confrontation might suppress and argument and back away or withdraw and so it may look like you’re not fighting, but the fight has just moved to an internal battlefield with far worse consequences eventually]

And so arguments will happen. To love your woman better you can choose to argue well.

To continue to the next part click here

for the sake of the chores

so i have been married for about 14 months yesterday and i still completely highly recommend it if it is to the right person – it is not always easy – it is sometimes really hard – but it is incredible and the pros definitely outbeat-up-and-leave-bleeding-behind-the-shed the cons… and i love the beautiful Val – really feel privileged and lucky and amazed that i have someone like her in my life… yay.

the one thing that i have noticed and i was just wondering if it is an us phenomenon or whether other newly married couples have discovered this ‘gem’ is the bermuda triangleness of time that occurs once you get married [married people with kids don’t even bother posting responses cos my brain can’t even stretch this scenario to adding more people into the mix, especially little ones, with poo and stuff]

before we got married it felt like i had a lot of time – we saw each other a fair amount of time i think and i did a whole lot of stuff and had time for church and people and hockey and theatresports and silly computer games and and and…

and then we got married [and please don’t see this as a complaint – it’s not a complaint – more a general musing and a wondering if it’s just us or if others have noticed this as well] and for starters there were the dishes which i am convinced are procreating in our sink (at precisely the same time as aliens from another dimension are warping in and first beaming out all the teaspoons and then other clean things) and so we have a meal and we wash up (i love washing up most of the time so it’s really not a problem – i understand a lot of other people hate it) and then we turn our backs for 18 seconds and WHOOSH!! – full sink of dirty dishes, no clean teaspoons…

wash up seven times a day, make two cups of coffee and suddenly we have an overflowing sink of dirtiness – anyone nodding, smiling, sympathy crying?

and then there is the washing – tbV is a lot more diligent with the washing than i am altho i do try and take opportunities to fill the machine and throw in the powder and flip it on and take it out and hang it up on occasion – but you do a whole crapload of washing (three loads) after maybe a weekend away, and then you take two steps away and as you gasp in bemusement at the post 18 second WHOOSH!! that has just occured in the sink, your peripheral vision is starting to bleat out, “Mayday! Mayday!” and you’re like, “Don’t be silly, it’s mid-September” and pv is like, “no dude, seriously you got to see this” and you look around and BIG FILLED-UP-WITH-DIRTY-CLOTHES-WASHBASKET OVERFLOWING…

it’s a never ending cycle, and there are two of us now working at it – don’t get me started on cleaning the house (no, i mean really, don’t get me started on cleaning the house) and restocking toilet rolls and the bathroom and emptying the trash bags and buying electricity and shopping and and and…

then in terms of spending time with my wife, i absolutely love it and we spend quite a lot of time together, hanging, watching dvd’s, playing scrabble on- and off- line, and other games, talking, working together, etc etc but there just seems to be not enuff time to do all of it justice

like i could spend a week just playing games with my wife, or a week just chatting to her and dreaming out loud about the future and hearing where we are struggling and talking through family stuff and chatting what’s happening in the world or trafficking stuff or thesis stuff, i could spend a week watching dvd’s with her, i could spend a week listening to sermons and doing sodukos and laughing and a bunch of other stuff we like doing together (yes, yes, i’m talking about having settlers marathons) but there is just no time for it all so we sneak in a game of scrabble here and a few episodes of scrubs there and then we have to make a meal [left that off the list – love it, absolutely love cooking for her and with her and you do this whole marathon process and make a pretty amazing meal and it’s gone in ten minutes and the sink is crying out your name] and the dustbins need to go and there’s a meeting and oh wait she has a family and i have a family who kinda want to see us from time to time and she has friends and i have friends and we have mutual friends and just hanging with God needs our attention and there is still so much out there like mashie golf and skydiving and going away for a weekend and bigscreen movies and meals out and hip hop classes and the beach that needs our feet on it and robben island and the theatre and standup comedy and and and

is there any other new couple experiencing this bermuda triangle of time, because it certainly wasn’t around before we got married, but now it seems to… what? a full sink? but i didn’t… we didn’t… i’ve just… argh, gotta go… VAL, CLOTHES BASKET STAT!!!

marriage to the right person – highly recommendable

so in exactly one week’s time i will have been married to the beautiful Val for exactly one year – and what a year it’s been!

as i say often to people – ‘marriage is highly recommended… to the right person!’ and the ‘to the right person’ bit is the key – not cos i believe in any kind of God-brings-this-person-and-that-person-together necessarily or that i believe that there is only one ‘the one’ as opposed to a number of ‘the potential ones who could be the one’ but because i have experienced or witnessed both

i have some friends who have hurt or are hurting a lot because they dated or got engaged to or even married the person who ended up not being a good match for them – and i have some friends (and myself) who by the grace of God managed to somehow end up with someone who is a the-one match for them (cos history knows i tried my best to work it otherwise on occasion, or so it would seem looking back)

having been married for one week less than a year i can declare with absolute abandon and complete integrity that marriage works – it is incredible – it is a journey and an adventure and an absolute trip… but not without adding ‘to the right person’

because it is also a tough path at times (inevitably you are going to end up hurting – or being hurt by – or disappointing or miscommunicating with the one you love and having a moment or an argument or even – gasp! – a fight – and that completely sucks, cos this is the person you love most in the world and you hate hurting or being hurt by them – the pain is deeper because the bond is so strong)

it is a journey requiring effort and sacrifice and surrender – which we as selfish and prideful human beings really struggle to embrace, especially having grown up in a world constantly screaming the mantra ‘this is all about me’ – and the trick in marriage is really embracing the effort and the sacrifice and surrender and continuing to try and get it right in lifting the other person up above yourself (the beauty is that if she is doing the same thing then we continue to be as lifted up as if we were focusing on ourselves, but with the added benefit of relationship)

it is a path of discovery (new person in my life, new habits, new quirks, new likes and dislikes) – of hey we both find this extremely funny and wow we’re pretty good working alongside each other in the kitchen (which both our families would question in pre-marriage times) and hey she really digs it when i do this and i am so glad that she has chosen to do that chore so i don’t have to and i can do this which she absolutely hated to have to do

it is a choice – day in day out – every single day i have to wake up and choose again – choose the beautiful val over the not so beautiful brett (especially on my bad, lazy, selfish, overcompetitive, procrastinationary, grumpy, i’m right days) – choose to live out those five pages of wedding day vows – promises i make again every day, every day

so whether it’s coffee in bed (one of the highlights of my day – being able to make it for my wife and greet her with a morning kiss) or flapjacks made with packet waffle mix (better than the packet flapjack mix strangely) or scrubs/I.T. crowd/ or Summer Heights High or Eddie Izzard/Michael Mcintyre/Bill Bailey or p.d.a. facebook statuses (within reason) or tag teaming together in a counselling situation or lying together at night solving all the mysteries of the world (or at least our day) or laughing together (a lot! one of the highlights and if you can’t laugh with your person then i seriously think they are probably not a ‘the one’) and private jokes and scrabble or kucky san or trying to lose gracefully at settlers or her asking me random (to me but thoroughly interested and trying to figure out how the world works to her) questions about things i can’t possibly know and woolworths prawn cocktail chips and Terry Pratchett passages and mielies and marshmallow steri stumpies (for her) and purple and that elusive couch (and wedding photos) and dream league cricket and watching her get passionate about justice and not letting us not help people in need and getting to really know her better and totally speak what she is thinking or really meaning and and and

thank you tbV for almost a year of incredible journey – it grows daily – i love you very much and am looking to an even kicker asser year ahead – you really do complete me (you and God)

note to single people: enjoy, thrive, live to the full, desire your ‘the one’ but don’t let it consume you – make the most of the time and freedom you have as a single person and be content in every area of your life (while continuing to keep your eyes open and to ask God and to want that person if you do)

note to dating people: enjoy, thrive, live to the full, don’t live as married people yet cos you’re not and save the stuff for marriage for the person you marry (which may not end up being the person you are dating now so don’t waste it on them now cos it seriously will be a waste if they turn out not to be that person), enjoy each other but keep it uncomplicated and grow in relationship to see if this is your one and part peacefully if not

note to married people: enjoy, thrive, live to the full, husbands, love your wives, uplift each other, keep private stuff private, never diss your spouse (even in jest) in front of others, especially not just for a cheap laugh, if you’re struggling ask for help, choose every morning to serve and lift up and that-person-first and kill selfishness and pride whenever it rears its head, run to say sorry when you have been wrong, don’t ever go to bed angry or fighting, don’t give up, don’t feed temptation, love each other, let’s fight together for marriage – it works, it’s incredible, it costs, it’s worth it!

rowing the mance

i find loving my wife very easy. and i’m not just talking about the flutter flutter feeling “ooh i luv my wife” but love in action

i would like to imagine everyone loves their wife as well as i do but i’m sure a lot of people don’t. and i’m not talking from an arrogant point of “ooh look at me, look at how well i love my wife” but just a day to day thing of being intentional, and it’s really so easy… [and i imagine there are some people who love their wives better than i do and i am hungry to learn]

sending her an sms i know is going to make her smile (possibly about some dodgily fun comment from a movie we watched together) or just reminding her text’ily that i love her

doing something small for her when she comes home. I know Val loves candles so having the lights out and some candles burning. so simple, takes thirty seconds, and yet has such a huge impact – and if really on top of it, running a bath or having a glass of wine ready or a cup of coffee to greet her as she arrives

making coffee for her in bed every morning, or most mornings. i honestly find this one ridiculously easy and not a chore at all. i just love the fact that i get to love her into the morning so easily and simply

i try to tell her a lot. and often. i know she knows. but i want her to hear, and feel, and experience, and know some more

i think intentionality is the key. really. It’s a choice to love someone far more than it ever is a feeling. when the feeling is there and pumping and fluttering then it’s maybe easier. but often the action welcomes or invites or remembers the feeling

may this not be a first year of marriage thing. may i still be sending tbV naughty sms’s when we’re both 60 (and making sure i send them to the right phone when my mind and eyesight starts to go)

married guys, love your wives. better!

why God doesn’t suffer from amnesia

i was chatting to my buddy rob today about a talk he heard where the guy said ‘when God forgives your sin, He forgets about it completely and it’s like it never happened’

and i don’t think that’s precisely true. i think the point is that despite not forgetting about your sin (if God is all knowing then surely He still remembers that you did sin) He chooses to treat you and regard you as if you had not sinned (if you have repented and received forgiveness) and i think that is a more exciting and overwhelming thing

if i hurt my wife – the beautiful Val – by dropping a scaffolding on her car for example (almost a true story) then if she was to develop amnesia and forget that the whole incident happened she would treat me as if i hadn’t done anything wrong (and to her i wouldn’t have) BUT, if she, knowing and remembering that i dropped a scaffolding on her car, still chooses to love me and forgive me and not hold it against me (not continually bringing it up and whining about it and using it against me) then that is a much bigger thing of greater significance and promises far greater relationship.

so i don’t want a God who is amnesious (it’s a word!) [now.] but a God who, despite knowing all the horrible things i have done and do – and all the amazing incredible things i fail to do – still chooses to love me and call me His son and treat me as if i hadn’t and never hold that sin against me (again, assuming i have confessed and repented and accepted the free gift of Jesus dealing with the sin in my place) then that is just a mind-blowing thing

and that has to compel me to go and do likewise…

if the shoe(s) fits

marvin the marshoes

so it’s my birthday today – happy happy – and after a super special breakfast made by my wife – the beautiful Val – and delivered to me in bed – that involved jacobs coffee and chocolate-infested and smartie surrounded yoghurt and a wad of range-free bacon – yum – i finally got given the present my wife has been building up intrigue to the last week and wow what a gift – marvin the martian – my favourite loony toon cartoon character – decorated shoes – stunning – be jealous

what a wife, and along with a few phone calls and samesses and countless facebook messages an amazing start to the day…