Tag Archive: wife


these are a series of posts i am sharing that i have taken from a series called ‘How to Love your Woman/Man better’ from a while back and also a series titled ‘One way to Love your spouse better’ that i ran more recently [with the input of some friends] – there are many incredible gems here that can help you as you look to contribute to a healthy and thriving marriage and i hope you will find them useful and if so, please feel free to share and pass on…

Arguing Well

The Defining of Love

Small Intentional Sacrifices

Verbal Blessing

Halting the Movement of the Sun

Amnesia

Choosing This Day

Saying It

When my “yes” sounds like a “NO!”

doing the next right thing [Dalene Reyburn]

my beautiful wife Valerie [tbV] wrote a couple of thoughts on how to love your man better and so i thought these would be good to include here as they have a distinctly different flavour:

How to love your man better – “Just love him…”

How to love your man better – “Respond to his character”

How to love your man better – “Be Nice”

so i know my latest blog series on Taboo Topics has been difficult for a number of people to read, both those having gone through it and also those who are on the way to having their first child… i do think they are extremely valuable for those people the are meant for though and so will continue to post them but in the meantime for everyone else [and also those people] i thort it might be helpful to post links to two of my most successful and popular blog series from the past:

the first one was titled ‘how to love your woman better’ but it was really about how to be in a good relationship and so it works for women as well to read cos generally the principles work both ways – it is a series of posts with each one having a link to the following one and so you can read as many or as few as you please [and as always, if you think any of them will be helpful to anyone you know, feel free to pass on]:

https://brettfish.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/how-to-love-your-woman-better-part-arguing-well-part-i-of-iii

followed by the ones written specifically to the women:

https://brettfish.wordpress.com/2011/02/02/how-to-love-your-man-better-by-not-me

and secondly i presented an 18 part series where i got a bunch of friends i know who i think are married well to share a secret or key to having a good marriage and so there are a variety of comments here which are valuable to those married and to anyone one day hoping to be:

https://brettfish.wordpress.com/2011/11/08/how-to-save-a-marriage-before-you-need-to-part-i

hope those inspire and refresh and bring joy…

Belgium. i would say that Belgium is probably TOO FAR. Unless you’re in Holland, cos then it’s just like down the road or something…

But in our recent history or being asked to speak or lead workshops on relationships, THE ONE QUESTION that the beautiful val and i GET ASKED WITHOUT FAIL is this one: HOW FAR IS TOO FAR?

And the answer is very simple. ASK A BETTER QUESTION! Because with ‘How far is too far?’ WHAT YOU ARE REALLY SAYING is:

“I know there’s a line, there’s a cliff. But i want to know HOW CLOSE TO THE EDGE of the cliff can i get without actually being over it?”

or another way:

“How close to being bad can i actually get WITHOUT HAVING TO FEEL GUILTY?

or something like that… and because you are asking THE WRONG QUESTION, you will never get a satisfying answer.

and if there is a line or a cliff and you spend all your time hanging out right on the edge of it, then THERE WILL COME A MOMENT when you are not strong enough to resist temptation and it is just a step away from A LONG AND PAINFUL PLUMMET from which it is not possible to come back without some scratches and bruises.

Well then WHAT QUESTION SHOULD I BE ASKING? Well it starts with my premise that all dating is done with the possibility of this person being the one that i end up married to. With that in mind – and remembering everything that was said about good break-ups in the last blog [when you realise you are not a good match] – there is always the probability that if things do not work out for me and this girl, that she will one day be SOMEONE ELSE’S WIFE.

With me so far? If things don’t work out with me and present girlfriend at some stage she will be someone else’s wife. Now be that person and work backwards from there: If you are dating someone who is one day going to be my wife, what do you think i would be happy to allow the two of you to do? And the answer is probably NOTHING!! i would not want you to do anything – in the physically intimate sense – with the girl who will one day be my wife.

Now DO NOT PANIC!!!, I AM NOT SAYING DO NOTHING. What i am saying, is that if we are able to view our relationship with this person as someone else’s potential life-long mate, it MAY HELP US TO MORE EASILY AND THOUGHTFULLY DEFINE what those boundaries are.

Because i am NOT SURE THE SPECIFICS ARE THE SAME for everyone. And i am not going to give you a list of THINGS YOU CAN DO and PLACES YOU CANNOT TOUCH [altho reproductive organs and baby-feeding appendages are probably great non-negotiable areas to completely avoid] because i think there are some KEY PRINCIPLES that if you put them in place, will make the living-out-of-it’ness a lot easier.

So THE QUESTION you frame will sound a lot more like this – HOW CAN I LOVE AND RESPECT THIS PERSON i am in a relationship with to the extent that if the dating relationship ever ends, he/she does not walk away with A WHOLE LOT OF BAGGAGE [physically, emotionally…] and HOW MUCH CAN I SAVE OF MYSELF AND KEEP SPECIAL for the person who i am going to end up marrying?

[to be continued… by clicking here…]

my wife, whom i love, both because i can and because she is well worth it has written another blog in her series on how to love your man better and if you click this piece of writing here it will mystically transport you there so you might be reading of it…

so at the bottom of the blackberry skit i saw the link to this video and it was funnier than i imagined – how is that laugh?

check it out here

There is another verse in the Bible that says, “Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry” and since most of us have no real effect on stopping the sun from its nightly perceived movement away from us, i guess that means it makes a lot more sense for us to concentrate on the ‘stop being angry’ part… and it’s linked to the not keeping a record of wrongs.

And so one of the key principles in our relationship is that we never go to bed without dealing with any issue we have. No heading to bed pissed off or not speaking, or, as someone said in a recent talk we heard, on the extreme edge of the bed hanging on for dear life to be as far away from the other person as possible.

And it’s not always easy – because as much as we love each other we get it wrong – pride, selfishness, laziness, irritation, the tides, context-affected emotion (okay maybe not the tides, but definitely the other stuff and more) creeps in and we argue and say things we shouldn’t and have attitude every now and then… but we refuse to go to sleep at night without first dealing with it. In a loving and kind way.

In fact one of my favourite things about our relationship is our bounce quotient. How quickly we bounce back from an argument or irritation or disagreement or whatever. We really do it quickly which is great. And maybe a lot of that is possible because of the not keeping a record of wrongs and the returning to the starting point of ‘the other person loves me and would never intentionally choose to hurt me.’

And so i strongly encourage and urge you in your relationship with your girlfriend or wife or fiancé (and your best friends and family and kids if you have) to make that a key principle in your relationships. Don’t go to bed with issues left unresolved as far as it is possible for you.

and make it possible.

for the next part of ‘How to Love your woman better’ – Amnesia – click here.
Unless you don’t remember where to click, then click here.

i’m not a big fan of commercialised Christmas vibes and in particular Christmas carols – woergh – kinda hate them with a passion…

my wife, TBV, is a big fan of Christmas and Christmas-related stuff though (although she says carols aren’t huge for her either!)

and i realised the other day that in my adamant ‘we will fight carols on the beaches, we will fight them on the shores, we will never surrender’ and ‘i have a dream of a Christmastime where all carols will be banished to the basement of society’ and ‘you want Christmas stuff? I think i’m entitled to it. You want Christmas stuff? I WANT THE CAROLS! You can’t handle the carols!’ speeches she may have got the vibe that i don’t want any Christmas stuff.

fortunately i figured it out just in time and, even though i’m not the hugest fan of all the Christmas stuff i realised this is important stuff to her, because it means more to her to have it than it does to me to not have it i quickly messaged her and told her ‘of course we’re going to have stuff and start planning and if we need to buy any stuff then let’s do it’ – let’s just say that it went down well.

one of the secrets to loving your woman well is to know what means a lot to her and even if it does mean some small sacrifice (and this one really isn’t a huge sacrifice, something i’m less interested in getting around to or making an effort for as opposed to being set against so really not a big deal) to take many opportunities to go out of your way to provide that for her.

i think sometimes in relationships we can caught up in doing only stuff that benefits both of us – so buying a slab of chocolate or bag of chips or renting a dvd that i like so it feels like i’m doing something for her, but actually i’m just selfishly including her in something i wanted for myself… and then never sacrificing anything for the benefit of something she is actually very much wanting because it doesn’t do all that much for me.

there is an amazing picture of this kind of love in the story of King David at a time when he has sinned and God is busy punishing Israel with a huge destructive plague and David goes to this man Araunah to offer a sacrifice to God on his plot of land and Araunah offers the place and the wood and the offering free of charge to the king and David refuses to take it for free saying, “No, I insist on paying you for it. I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing.” [2 Samuel 24.24]

how much sacrifice exists in the love you have for your wife or girlfriend?
is it time you changed the way you ‘love’?
when last did you buy her some flowers?

for the next part of ‘How to Love your woman better’ – Verbal Blessing – click here.

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