Brett Andy one liners VIII – which are your favourites?

so this list of new brett andy’s came out pretty quickly after the last one but mostly courtesy of two eight hour driving trips to the wild goose fest and back and i think as a whole this is a pretty decent collection, but which one or two stand out for you as the really funny ones [if any]?

“Pay a R10 fine or take a chance,” my girlfriend read aloud off the Monopoly card. “Okay,” I said, “Those jeans make you look fat.” [Brett Andy]

“My boxing opponent worked me into the corner of the ring and then wildly rained down blow upon blow, beating me into a bloody and disfigured mess. As I finally slumped to the canvas I had to smile though, because a ring doesn’t have a corner.” [Brett Andy]

“I fell in love with a magnet once, but looking back I’m really not sure what attracted me to it.” [Brett Andy]

“As the judge pronounced me guilty and the guard snapped the handcuffs on and led me away, I had to stifle a chuckle, because no-one had noticed the ‘Get out of jail free’ card I had concealed in my back pocket.” [Brett Andy]

“As I pitched my tent, I thought to myself, ‘This is one of the weirdest games of baseball I have ever played.'” [Brett Andy]

“I have a friend who dabbles in the magical arts. She has an identical sister and it’s hard to tell which witch is witch.” [Brett Andy]

“My mom was an avid brothmaker and any time I swore as a kid she would wash my mouth out with soup.” [Brett Andy]

“I reckon I can forgive that evil scientist who injected me with advanced memory serum, but I will NEVER forget!” [Brett Andy]

“I think it was lifting that baby cow onto the farm truck all by myself that caused me to strain my calf muscle.” [Brett Andy]

“I opened a jar of salad dressing the other day. A tomato screamed “Do you mind?” at me before slamming the lid closed.” [Brett Andy]

“My waitress asked me for a tip the other day. I told her to avoid Ben Affleck movies.” [Brett Andy]

take a look at yourself and change your…face…

“i’m talking bout the man in the mirror – ooh yeah – i’m askin him to change his face… ooh wa… and no message, could have been, any clearer… if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and change your face” [Michael Jackson, adapted by plastic surgeons anonymous]

yes i know that’s not the line but it’s the one i always sing when i hear of that song – just got stuck in my head at some point and i think it’s fun

and while we can’t all afford plastic surgery, and why would you want to anyway, you’re beautiful, there are some things we can and maybe do need to change…

i just made two guys coffee – no big deal – don’t start waving the saint label at me or anything – no ‘brett fish ministries’ website or road show in the mix… but the point is they are two electricianny guys who are fixing the lights in our place as i speak – yes literally on a ladder in front of me right now and maybe i shouldn’t be speaking these thoughts out loud cos i’m starting to freak them out (okay that bit was only true in my head) – my point being, they came to do a job and i made them coffee – simplest action – completely unnecessary and unexpected and not part of the business transaction at all (although i am hoping they tip well) but maybe the smallest gesture that actually makes their morning that little bit better (being a cold and rainy day and all)

i tip my petrol attendant guys (crummy job i imagine, especially in bad weather  and probly not well paid and so imagine if twenty people an hour tipped them R2 to R10 bucks or more how it all adds up); and i  smile at cashiers when i buy stuff at the supermarket and when i’m really on form throw out some line loudly about how i picked them out of all the others; and i try and be generous to car guards (especially those in places i frequent often – in fact guys from church bought Gil – French dude – at Ginos a pizza the other day to say thankx and now he knows them by name and they are becoming friends; i always try and ask a homeless person their name if i engage with them or maybe buy them some food…

and yes, none of these things are going to win me the nobel peace prize which is great actually cos i have enuff junk around the house we’re trying to get rid of, but my point is that it is actually incredibly easy and mostly costless to lift someones day or moment with the smallest of gestures

“i’m talking bout the man in the mirror – ooh yeah – i’m askin him to change his face… ooh wa… and no message, could have been, any clearer… if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and change your face”

actually… maybe there is some truth in that altered version of the song… because a simple smile can be so powerful – and that sounds so incredibly cheesy but if it is, then it’s the good kind, that you only get when la-di-dah people bring out the crackers and a knife… when you are caught in traffic and you look across and see someone else totally bummed by the fact flash them a smile (try keep it friendly, not the stalkery type that will make leave their car and run screaming through the traffic away from you) – as you walk down the road be intentional about catching someone’s eye and smiling at them – when you shop, when you petrol, when you eat out, when you arrive home to your family…

there’s no ‘I’ in team… but there are two in ‘smile’ if you write it out twice in a row…

now go change the world! [start with your face]