Taboo Topics: Singleness [Intro]

SINGLENESS is a topic that usually does not get addressed well, if at all.

There was a time when particularly within the catholic church the focus was on singleness as the way to have reached it – nuns and monks and the gift of celibacy were the way to go and being single meant you were seen as more spiritual and closer to God and there were bible passages that could be used to ‘back this up’.

Then the protestant church swung the pendulum completely the other way and being married and then being married with children [must be biological children!] was the way to have arrived and so this unspoken goal of life seemed to be what was put on the pedestal and held higher than anything else.

i believe, as with most things, that both extremes are problematic and now that i have had five years of marriage [and having had a good run of 35 years of largely singleness] i believe that i can speak with some measure of authority to both of them.

Neither being single nor being married is ‘the better way’ – Paul, in his letter to the church in Phillipi [and us by extension] says this, specifically speaking into the aspect of financial well-being, but i believe it carries over into every area of life: ‘I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.’ [Philippians 4.12-13]

Contentment is the key – be where you are and enjoy where you are at – if you are single then embrace your singleness and make the most of it in every way possible – and if/when you get married then live that to the full. Don’t sit in the place of one desperately wishing that you were in the other. BUT, that doesn’t mean that if you are single and do want to be married that you should not keep on gently presenting that desire before God:

‘Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.’ [Philippians 4.4-7]

As much as God already knows your heart and your desires, it is by presenting them to Him that you invite relationship, that you invite Him in to minister to aspects of loneliness or rejection or bruised dreams or hopes that may be in you.

i LOVED my singleness and when i look back i don’t desire that i had gotten married ten years earlier and missed out on all the opportunities and possibilities of adventure that happened because it was just me. and so i really learnt [for the most part, i had my bad days… weeks… months…] to just really make the most of the situation i found myself in… but at the same time i really believed that i had too much love for one person and so i wanted to be married [especially around singles table time at weddings] and i took that to God regularly and sometimes with gentle request and other times more with ‘C’mon God, don’t you like me or what?’ less graceful questioning, but for the most part, the overall was a sense of let me be content where i am while i am here and keep my prayers, requests and longings before God.

i got to a place where i had largely resigned myself to the fact that i was going to be single for life [and somewhat largely, with much intermittent sighing, okay with that] and then the beautiful Val came along and the rest is history… or presentcy or something.

one of the hardest things in my life, especially since i got married, is seeing a bunch of really incredible friends of mine who are around my age [which is approaching old] and who are desiring to be married, but yet are still single, because i get it. to a large extent i really do. [which is possibly why a huge part of my 51 minute wedding speech was focusing on single people] it doesn’t feel right or fair and you get to a point when it doesn’t feel hopeful any more. people who view marriage as the end point make you feel stupid and sad and unfulfilled and your friends who are dating and getting married and having kids [again, if this is what you wanted] make it really hard to be around them sometimes [often through no fault of their own]. and the thing is a bunch of them are incredible amazing people who, it feels like to me, deserve to find their life partner a lot more than other people [if there is such a thing]. so i will keep praying, and hoping, and trying to be as encouraging as i can to them and challenging them to live singleness well while it is a reality. but don’t stop laying that desire before God if you are wanting something more.

And to anyone who EVER says to a single woman, “let Jesus be your boyfriend”, you honestly deserve a punch on the nose.

There are some brave people who are going to be sharing their stories in this regard and i honour you for doing so:

to read the story of my good friend Sammi Taylor – ‘The emotions and stages and experience changes daily and is sometimes hard to pin down and describe.’

to read the story of my friend and housemate Sueihn Lee – ‘I’ve been boy crazy since the age of five.’

to read the story of Kate Hurley aka ‘The Sexy Celibate’ – ‘I just needed to let go, insinuating it was my own fault i was single.’

to read the story of my friend Kate Sherry – content with being single right now

to read the story of my friend Cilnette Pienaar – ‘The whispered hope that a shared adventure could actually be in the will of God for my life.’

to read the story of Dani Scoville [and a look at Deconstructing Boundaries]

to read the story of my friend Beverley Rufener – ‘I wish I could say that being single was easy but at times it is outright overwhelming.’

to read the story of my new friend Alexa O S Russell – ‘Is there space for Bridget Jones at church?’

to read the story of my Island style friend Deborah Dowlath – ‘I realise that being single in my 30s is a whole different dynamic from being single in my 20s.’

to read the story of 26 year old Angela Saint-Truth – ‘I didn’t want the sacrifice that love demands or the growth it requires… I just wanted the emotions that relationships produce…’

to read the story of Amanda Kuehn – ‘His banner over me is single.’

to read the story of Lynley Pillay – ‘I was engaged once. So technically I’m disengaged now.’

to read the story of Phil Barlow – ‘I’m single and I love it! Sometimes… sometimes not so much.’

to read the story of my friend and possibly brother-in-law Dale Nunes [his brother married my sister]

some other blog posts i was directed to that contain some great stuff on the topic are:

‘Singleness is not a Prelude’ [on a blog called ‘broken cameras and gustav klimt’ guest posted by Jennie Pollock]

‘I don’t wait anymore’ [on a blog called Grace for the Road]

Singles and the Church: Why it Sucks to be Unintentionally Overlooked [Kate Hurley

What my Married Friends would like their Single Friends to know

Also a series on What my Married Friends would like their Single Friends to know

trust God but have a, um no don’t.

so me and tbV have been in a place of really trusting God for the future and for just general every day life and i haven’t wanted to blog about a lot of it because when you start mentioning stuff and people start responding to ‘save you from the crises’ then it kinda cancels out a lot of the trust element…

but i will say this. when you are trusting God and not having a backup plan, then when things are going well and it appears that you are fine and sorted and when the provision arrives and so on, then it is an amazing place to be.

when it doesn’t or it hasn’t yet or it looks like it might not, then it’s not so much fun. in fact, it can get kinda scary and you know, i think that’s the point.

i just don’t want people to get all romanticised by the idea of trusting God without a backup plan – as i like to say I’m pretty sure that, when David got back from killing Goliath, when Gideon got back from slaying all those Midianites and when Daniel was let out of the lion’s den, they all three had to go and change their pants, or robes, or something.

i would imagine you can trust God but still crap yourself at the same time. possibly cos trusting God, like Love and Forgiveness is not a feeling but a choice and an action linked to that choice. But maybe that’s just me.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.” Proverbs 3.5,6

next year and not trying to walk on water

so for the last little while the question “so when are you and the beautiful val having kids?” [and the shock, gasp, horror when we say we’re not particularly planning to, ever, at the moment] has evolved into the question “so what are your plans for next year?”

i’ve contemplated getting the answers to these questions tattoo’d onto my face but i just don’t know if i can justify the expense [to anyone else]

so i thort i’d write it in a blog. this is that blog. the one that answers the question about next year and oh you got it. moving right along then.

i told someone on saturday that we didn’t have a plan for next year. we are just waiting on God for the next thing. and he responded by saying “that’s a plan” and i said “i know it is, but most people just don’t get it”

so, in the shell of a nut [and it is purely accidental that every second paragraph in this particular blog is starting with the word “so” – it’s not an intentionally grammatical teaserment by me at all] i have resigned my job at the stellenbosch vineyard church at the end of the year and we are waiting on God for the next thing.

and that’s our plan. and it is a concrete one. and it is both very exciting and a little bit may-need-a-fresh-pair-of-pants-anytime-soon’ing.

so [okay that one was on purpose, i actually needed to use the word “and”] i am not recommending this as a how-to -decide-what-to-do-next-in-life model at all – i think to stop doing what you’re doing and just hoping something will pitch up (all in the name of God) is a crazy thing to do… as is stepping on to water and hoping you won’t sink.

you see Jesus says to Peter that he can get out of the boat and walk on water. Peter does, and he does. Jesus never told me to walk on water and so every time i have tried, it has not worked.

in a similiar way, i believe about next year that it is a God-led thing (specifically for me and val) to wait on Him and trust for the next thing – i really believe He is going to pitch up (maybe not personally, but He will be involved) and show us what that thing is.

however (here comes the but) i could have gotten it wrong. and that’s okay. if you never step out the boat, you will never know whether or not you will walk on water or not.

this goes firmly against the traditional church ‘trust God….. but have a backup plan’ philosophy that so many people hold furiously to (without ever admitting it) – this is a situation, that if God doesn’t pitch up and present something, we are pretty much screwed (well egg on our faces and a bit of serious scrambling anyways)

when i finished school, i used to live like that, year at a time, trusting God and being led by Him and usually at the very last minute (which freaked out most people around me) but since being at this job for the last six years it has been comfortable in one sense as i’ve always known what the next year holds (or have had the comfort and security of knowing i have a job) and i really believe that God is wanting to take me (and we’re an ‘us’ now – val is completely in this with me, which is great, and so necessary) back to the place of faith and trusting Him

that, and it’s time for a change – new season, very possibly a new surrounding, and a new thing to do i would imagine…

what do i want you to do? offer me a job? give me money? hand out some ‘wise’ advice? nah, i don’t need any of that – i would like you to pray for us if you feel that way inclined – for patience and trust and the next thing God has got planned for us to do… ‘Trust in the Lord…’ [Proverbs 3.5-6]