How to be an Ally: The Ten Commandments of Communication

My friends Alexa Russell Matthews and Nicole Joshua recently ran a workshop titled, “The ‘Colour’ Elephant in the Room” which you can read some of a participant’s experience of over here.

What stood out to me though was this list of what was referred to as the ‘Ten Commandments’ which was the basis of a commitment to engage well with each other. For those of us seeking to be positively involved in conversation and action in the hopes of seeing South Africa become a better place, these would be good to embrace and try out:

Ten Words on Communication

1. Thou shalt listen actively, ask questions, and refrain from giving advice.

2. Thou shalt engage both thy heart and thy head, emotion and reason.

3, Thou shalt seek to like “the other”.

4. Thou shalt dance, not fight.

5. Thou shalt not blame, shame or demonise others, or victimise yourself.

6. Thou shalt play for win-win, not win-lose or lose-lose.

7. Thou shalt respectfully establish areas of disagreement.

8. If you hear an idea that is new or strange, try it on for size.

9. If you tend to be quiet, “step up”. If you tend to dominate, ” step back”.

10. Speak from your heart and experience, and keep in confidence what others tell you.

[These “Ten Commandments” are accredited to Brian McLaren and fellow conversation partners at the Amahoro Africa Gatherings. It was part of the introductory sessions for first time conversation partners, and laid the foundation for those dialogues.]

“In the light of the anger we have seen expressed on campuses around the country, and the racial incidents in the news all the time, and the social media culture of racist intolerance, rudeness and insult, perhaps we should take a deep breath and try to have our conversations in this frame of mind?” [Renee Moodie]

Which one of these commandments, do you think would be hardest for you to obey? Which one of them would you see as being most helpful in a typical Facebook conversation on Race? Stick your answers in the comments section. 

[For the next piece on Handing Over The Mic, click here]

the wages of God, are you!

when Jesus was asked what is the greatest commandment in the jewish law He responded with in summary, “Love God love people” – ha, as i was typing that i accidentally typo’d “love gold” and how fitting that is but i’m sure i don’t have to go into that. Jesus added that the full law and the prophets (basically their bible at the time) rested on these two things (relationships)

in fact if you study the ten commandments from the old testament they are divided into 4 aimed at loving God and 6 aimed at loving people (maybe we get more cos sometimes it’s a lot harder to love people?)

the economy of heaven is people. that is what God puts His sight on and so surely it makes perfect sense that we should do the same – and so why can we spend so much time and energy on things like gold (money), stuff (big house, flashy car, latest gadgets), entertainment/luxury (sound system, latest phone, holiday overseas), reputation, achievement and so on, and still boldly claim to be followers of Jesus?

as one rabbi once said when asked to sum up the bible in ten words or less – “Love God, love people. all the rest is commentary.”

the economy God is interested in is you, and me, and your neighbour, and the guy at work you don’t like, and the gay muslim abortionist living across the street from you. and your parents. and your ex (girlfriend, wife, best friend, crush). God lines His wallet with people, with relationships. would you say that is a primary focus in your life or has it all become about the person staring back at you when you stand in front of the mirror?

Love God, love people. all the rest is commentary.

[that’s right – it’s as if to God, people are high-fiveable!]

not for what we don’t do but what we do do

When we focus on character development, we usually emphasise the elimination of sin. What it means to be holy then finds its definition in things that we do not do rather than things we do. This focus can be easily understood and justified. Certainly a significant part of our spiritual journey is the putting off of the old. Early on in the process, the dominant conversation between God and us seems to be about some very concrete lifestyle decisions. Right up front we learn that we should at least begin to live by the standards of the Ten Commandments. If you’re a new Christian, it’s extraordinarily confirming when you choose to avoid murdering, committing adultery, lying, and stealing. And it makes perfect sense when you stop worshipping false gods and worship only the true and living God.

The problem is not the insignificance of these areas of change, but that we tend to make them the entire construct for spiritual formation. It’s as if all God is trying to do is stop us from sinning. Yet all of us who have walked with Christ know that there’s more. We know that beyond being greedy is being generous, beyond lying is being truthful, beyond pride is humility, and beyond slander is encouragement. It is not enough to “put off.” We must also “put on.” All of us are encouraged when we begin to see the fruit of the Spirit born in the lives of followers of Christ, reconfirming the work of God in the human heart.’

[Erwin McManus, ‘an unstoppable force’ – page 180 in chapter ‘Soul Environments’]