Tag Archive: Squishy Fruit Conspiracy

Latest challenge on WordPress: Many of us think of our lives as boringly normal, while others live the high life. Take a step back, and take a look at your life as an outsider might. Now, tell us at least six unique, exciting, or just plain odd things about yourself.

# i like to drink Top Deck chocolate from the bag – second best option is breaking chunks into smaller pieces and microwaving, but a far higher and i honestly believe tastier method is to leave the slab on the dashboard of your car in the sun or on a window sill til it melts and then make a hole in one end and drink to your heart’s content – INCREDIBLE!

# i like to bend the english language to my will as i posted about here. i spell some words differently on purpose like ‘thankx’ and ‘thort’ and use a minimum of capitalisation and promote some nouns into adjectives which i promote to verbs which i promote to nouns and so on. i think i came up with the saying ‘vibing a vibe.’

# as a hobby i occasionally put together short video clips for a made up you tube show titled ‘Dangerous Things You Can Least Expect’ – while the majority of people who watch them seem to think they’re pretty funny, they have not come close to going viral yet and sit more hesitantly at a spot i would assume they call ‘virus’ rather. my favourite one at the moment is probably the latest one i did on sax and violins but i guess other people didn’t think so as much cos at the time of going to press it has only had around 218 views.

# i have a yellow and white stuffed dolphin called ‘No_bob’ [i was going to call him ‘Bob’ but he doesn’t] – in many places around South Africa he is more famous than me – i used to feature quite prominently on the local Christian speaking circuit for youth groups and on two occasions i was introduced and about ten people clapped and as i started speaking i introduced No_bob and when i took him out of my pocket a good third of the room [few hundred people] started cheering. people try to convince me that No_bob used to be blue but he wasn’t. people will probably swear he was but i have pictures from the time when i won him on the pier a Brighton. a Cape Town Christian punk band called Serving Suggestion performed ‘the No_bob song’ and it became one of their most popular songs…

# i hate raisins with a passion – no i mean REALLY, not just like you pretend not to like them but you will eat them only by themselves, or only in things. i mean i started the ‘i hate raisins’ group on facebook, i once went with a friend to a park at night and burnt a bag of them just to do the world a favour. i have recorded two songs so far titled ‘the Squishy Fruit Conspiracy’ and ‘Sultanas’ which was a parody of the old Snow ‘Informer’ song…

# the word is traffic circle. if you enter at one point and leave before doing a full 360 degrees then what you have taken part in is called a traffic semi-circle or a half-moon or something. if you are going to insist on calling it a ‘traffic circle’ then like me you must go THE WHOLE WAY ROUND and usually not just once cos you have to make sure… three or four times is fun with first timers while the record with a full combi and trailer at the big Free State circle is i think 13 times with petrol attendants standing cheering at the side of the road and overall it is the 53 we did in Stellenbosch after cell group one nite. like a record playing, right round round round.

honourable mentions must go to biting people [which i used to do the first time i met people as a sign of affection, but the older it gets the creepier it gets so i’ve largely stopped] and cycling the 109km Argus cycle tour in either pink tights or fish net stockings [best way to keep yourself cycling when going up Suikerbossie – no ways i’m getting off in front of those crowds wearing pink tights!]

just a regular normal guy, really.

squishy fruit conspiracy

Garfield raisins

i hate raiSINs. no really. no, not like you do, i mean really hate them. yes, i hear that you feel like you hate them, but in comparison to me you pretty much like them. in fact they may be your favourite poison food.

you don’t believe me? well, let’s do a little test, because there are three kinds of people who say they hate raiSINs [and only one kind is a true ‘believer’]

[1] you ‘hate raiSINs’ but you like them in stuff? REALLY? What are you on? You’re a fake. Have met so many of you who will make the absolute statement of ‘I hate raiSINs’ but then follow it up with the caveat [a word i am using incorrectly, just because i like the sound of it, the rest of the sentence tells you exactly what i mean, carry on] of ‘but i can eat them in bobotie’ [or some other food] No. You don’t get to call yourself a raiSIN hater!

[2] you ‘hate raiSINs’ but you like them by themselves? WHATAREYOUON? Because really i think that’s even worse. I’m allergic to flour so I can’t eat bread but I can eat spoonfuls of it from the bag. It makes no crazy sense at all. But yes, you are out there. “Can’t eat raiSINs cooked in stuff but you like them by themselves, or let’s be honest, mixes with peanuts.” Woergh! Not true!

[3] Group 3 is those of us who really do hate raiSINs as in gag reflex the moment we bite into a ‘choc chip cookie’ and know instantly that we have been tricked. As in can’t eat them in things OR by themselves. As in we have noticed that the word raiSIN contains the word ‘SIN’- coincidence? i think not. More like a co-sin-cidence! [that’s not a word] If you are a true raiSIN hater then welcome to the club.

You still are probably not as much of a raiSIN hater as me, but you are acceptable. I say ‘you’re probably not’ and stick to it unless you have three or more of the following:

# started the ‘I hate raiSINs group on Facebook [nope, that was me!]

# had a ritualistic raiSIN-burning ceremony in a park with two friends late at nite [it was for a friend’s 18th birthday video]

# developed a theology of why the tree in the middle of the garden of eden was actually a vine and the warning to Adam was about fruit gone bad [grapes to raiSINs] with actual verses to back it up that i chose to stop telling the one time i saw a group listening to me a little too intently [like they were actually believing me]

# written a song about raiSINs, got it recorded by a friend of yours in the Brothers Streep band and got it on an mp3 playlist where voting [by friends] took it above songs by groups like Just Jinger, GoawayPolisiekar and Goldfish… so charted above some top SA bands on a meaningless friend-affected chart

# wrote a sequel follow up song called ‘Sultanas’ [the evil cousin of the raiSIN] as a parody to the song ‘Informer’ by Snow and recorded that [by same Brother Streep friend]

# wrote a third anti-raiSIN song to the tune of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody [Bohemian RaiSIN-Die!] which i never found a band to be able to perform the music of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody for [yet] and so it still waits…

so yes. i think i win. but it’s not about winning. it’s about hating raiSINs. and listening to this song called the ‘Squishy Fruit Conspiracy’ which for a very short period of time had me ranked above some very important bands. and Steve Hofmeyr.

If you send me one of these you will be much loved.

If you send me one of these you will be much loved.

So back in the day i recorded a song with my friend Simon van Wyk [now a world famous Brother Streep] titled ‘Squishy Fruit Conspiracy’ which was about my personal hatred towards raisins and other related squishy fruits…

You can listen to that song here as well as the follow-up i did called ‘Sultanas’ which was a parody of Snow’s ‘Informer’ from a whole bunch of other years ago…

And the even famouser No_bob [the world’s most famous stuffed dolphin who i was going to call ‘Bob’ but he doesn’t!] song performed by my friends in the band Serving Suggestion [also very much back in the day] is also there as a bonus…

Feels like it’s almost time to come up with a new one… the world must know…

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