april 8 brett andy quotes to be voted upon…

so one of my favourite funny people in life is a guy called Jack Handey who used to write one liners that were used on SNL such as:

“Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.” [Jack Handey]

and:

“Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.” [Jack Handey]

or even:

“It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.” [Jack Handey]

some random, some funny, some randomly funny, some just clever and i really dig most of them. So much so that i decided that it is time for me to reach deep within my misdirected randomised humour machine and see if there is anything lurking there that might make people smile or gently laugh and hopefully even one day create a legitimate laughing out loud experience [milk or coke out the nose and i’ll have arrived!]

so i’ve started writing some brett [my first name] andy’s [shortened form of my last name, to avoid being sued] and i’m keen to have some feedback… this is my second list of brett andy’s to assess and i would appreciate it if you could read through them and highlight which ones you think really work and which your funniest one or two are [one of them i think is really horrible but overall i think as a whole they’re better than my first list]

“I wonder if Bono would have mixed reactions today if he stumbled upon that misplaced item from the past because, yes, I finally have found it after all these years, but the song has gotten pretty big.” [brett andy]

“It really messes with my mind that I’ve got memories of the last time I had amnesia.” [brett andy]

“Slinkies, the series ‘Friends’, Facebook, Terry Pratchett, microwaved chocolate, Johnny Depp, tall wild mochas, Survivor, polaroid sunglasses and astro hockey have all come into existence since the initial dividing up of our bread into toastable pieces. All I’m saying is, it’s high time we update that saying.” [brett andy]

“I sometimes wonder if the very first accident actually involved an axe and the groove that was formed in some surface due to the mindlessly casual swinging thereof.” [brett andy]

“I don’t understand why I have so much bellybutton fluff. I guess I’ve just been incredibly lucky cos I only really started collecting seriously a couple of months ago.” [brett andy]

“I really hate how Coffee keeps me up every night. Why my neighbour had to call his german shepherd that, I don’t think I’ll ever understand.” [brett andy]

“I wonder who the first person was who said, “Hey, why don’t we push a stick through a marshmallow and hold it over the flames and then eat it once it’s melted in the middle,” because that didn’t turn out so badly, did it?” [brett andy]

“I did a search for Spiderman on the web the other day.” [brett andy]

“A mare is simply an adult female horse. I’m just not sure why seeing them after the sun has gone down is so scary.” [brett andy]

“Walking underneath a ladder, after breaking a mirror, is considered to bring you extreme bad luck, especially when there are vicious snarling black cats, that haven’t been fed for a week, standing on every single one of the steps of that ladder. Oh, and also you’re a mouse.” [brett andy]

and another guest Mjandey from MJ:

“The problem with having female tribal leaders is that everyone would always try and make a pun out of Ms. Chief.” [Mjandey]

[to go straight to next page of brett andy’s click here]

brett andy [vote for your favourite]

so one of my favourite funny people in life is a guy called Jack Handey who used to write one liners that were used on SNL such as:

‘I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.’ [Jack Handey]

or:

‘Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.’ [Jack Handey]

and:

‘I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He’d get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn’t have the right answers, mister, you’d be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn’t in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!’ [Jack Handey]

some random, some funny, some randomly funny, some just clever and i really dig most of them. So much so that i decided that it is time for me to reach deep within my misdirected randomised humour machine and see if there is anything lurking there that might make people smile or chuckle quietly to themself and hopefully even one day create a legitimate laughing out loud experience [milk or coke out the nose and i’ve reached the top!]

so i’ve started writing some brett [my first name] andy’s [shortened form of my last name, to avoid being sued] and i’m keen to have some feedback… please read thru the list of what i’ve got so far and if you hate them all that’s fine, but if there was one that, for you, contained the most humour and even possibly brought about the aforementioned smile or even chuckle, then please respond to the note with which one it was. So, basically, if any of these is funny, what would be your number one? [half of them are pretty horrible, but it’s early days – actually might be good to hear your best and your worst]

“They say ‘Too many cooks spoil the broth.’ I say, if broth is all you’re looking forward to, you’re pretty much in a heap of trouble already.” [brett andy]

“The art of hay-making must be quite a specified & delicate undertaking hence the urging to do it while sunlight prevails.” [brett andy]

Chuck Norris’ Texas Ranger drove a 1995 Dodge Ram for most of the series, why was he still called Walker? [brett andy]

“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Give a man a vegetarian and a fish and he won’t even be allowed to eat the fish.” [brett andy]

“I’ve never been a huge fan of water polo. I think it’s the cruelty to the horses that gets to me.” [brett andy]

‘Gandhi once said “an eye for an eye only ends up leaving the whole world blind,” but surely if it was only one eye each it would be more a case of extremely bad global depth perception?’ [brett andy]

“I don’t understand why they call them miners when most of them are over 18. Probly cos they can’t drink while underground.” [brett andy]

Why is it called an avocado pear if you only ever have one of them at a time? [brett andy]

Do you think there are many funny those-formerly-known-as-“bushmen” people? I keep hearing lots about these comic sans… [brett andy]

“If you ever want to show-off to your long-term girlfriend a new shoelace-tying technique you’ve invented, i don’t think the best way to introduce it is by saying, “Hey I’ve got something to show you” and then going down on one knee.” [brett andy]

“I’ll bet rock, paper, scissors was a lot less fun before scissors were invented. And paper.” [brett andy]

“Last nite i dreamt i ate a giant marshmallow and when i woke up my pillow was on the floor next to my bed. It probly got knocked off during the night i imagine.” [brett andy]

“I once read in a biology textbook that if you take your intestines and lay them across four tennis courts, you will die.” [brett andy]

and lastly a bonus one by my friend MJ affectionately known as a MJAndey [because his last name is Phillip] – ‘When life hands you lemons pretend they’re guavas and say ‘these guavas look a bit yellow. I’m going to leave them out to ripen’. Then put them on a table and slowly walk away.’

[to be mysteriously taken directly to the next page of brett andy’s simply click here]