Tag Archive: serving

and the search for revolutionary dating methodology continues…

firstly some interesting thorts i read on my friend’s blog linked to that whole ‘Guys, Step up!’ mentality of the girls. Girls, this is not an excuse, but provides some understanding of the guys place in this whole thing…

“Telling a girl I liked her was about as difficult as trying to eat a tortoise whole. In my early 20s, internet-spawned relationships allowed me to keep this effectively concealed.

“the stupid thing is that all girls at church are taught to let guys pursue them, but we guys are never taught to pursue women!

I had to learn the hard way by hearing my female friends lament the lack of masculine decisiveness and confidence.” [http://lovesubverts.com/2011/03/christian-dating]

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i think one thing which put a proverbial spanner in the works – for both guys and girls – was the rise and increase of feminism or feministic mentality and i know this plays out differently in different cultures and contexts – but suddenly there was a lot of confusion as to the guys role in the whole dating thing – what he was and wasn’t allowed to do [without causing offence]

i’m going to give my opinion here and would dig for the ladies to jump in and confirm or denounce as necessary…

but for me it’s the whole acronymic concept of Joy that i learnt as a kid – Jesus first, then Others, lastly Yourself – we’ve already looked at the Jesus first bit, so let’s move on to the Others bit which i will sum up as Serving One Another in Love

i explain it like this – if i look after my needs and the beautiful Val looks after her needs then both of our needs are met. but if i start serving her and lifting her up and she starts serving me and lifting me up then we still both end up with our needs met, BUT with the added addition of Relationship – incredibly simple concept but profound in action

Jesus demonstrates this in John 13 when He washes the disciples feet and it is described this way: “He now showed them the full extent of His love” – He was about to go to the cross for them and yet it says of His serving them by foot-washing that it was a demonstration of the full extent of His love.

i love the fact that Val lets me open car doors for her (i think she likes it) and carry her stuff and make her coffee in bed every morning, and i dig it as well when she finds creative ways to serve me in Love. It strengthens our relationship and brings us closer together. And the defining characteristic is the “i choose to” part of the serving – it is not an obligation or an expectation but a major part of the Love-ing concept.

i think guys can practice this outside of relationship – not to gain brownie points or to flirt or anything, but simply start serving the girls around you in Love. Open doors, offer to carry things, compliment them [and let’s get creative and find things to compliment on that aren’t simply outward beauty – how ’bout we turn that whole thing upside-down?]. The more you practice it outside of relationship, the better you are likely to be at it and the more naturally it will happen inside of relationship. Plus you’ll be modelling a worthwhile concept to those around you.

if you are married or going out: forget the myth that love is a feeling – if love is purely a feeling your relationship is doomed – run, run and keep running – cos feelings are context-linked, situation-dependent and none of us can stay on top of all of our contexts and situations – bad stuff happens, we hurt each other (hopefully by mistake) and the feeling is not always there… that’s when choice come in.

Every day when i wake up i choose to love my wife – if you are just dating then it is a lot easier cos you get to choose to some extent when to hang out with her and when you don’t feel like it or want to do other stuff – but when you’re married she is there in your space (as you are in hers) and there will be times when you are cranky or she is cranky or you’re having a bad day or whatever whatever – in that moment you have to move beyond the feelings and rely on choice.

It does sound a little bit clinical but it’s really not – it’s a reality thing – i’m not saying feelings don’t count but i’m saying they don’t count completely – your love is not feeling based – when the feelings are there you run and jump and thrive and completely enjoy them… but in that moment when the feeling is not the top most thing, then it becomes whether or not you have made and continually make the choice.

Then once you have made the choice – regardless of whether you feel it is deserved or not, regardless of whether your partner’s actions merit it or not – you have to live it out.

1 Corinthians 13 in the Bible gives a great picture of choice love and some of the statements it includes are ‘Love does not keep a record of wrongs’ and ‘Love always protects, always hopes, always perseveres’ and so you really need to start incorporating these in your relationship if you haven’t. They will totally transform your lives i cannot tell you. And one thing you absoolutely have to grasp and hold on to with all your might is the Jesus taught example of ‘love the other person above yourself’ – it is not always easy and i’m sure i get it wrong a lot of the time but the times when i manage to choose Val above me (it can be washing the dishes when i know she doesn’t want to or beating her to hang up the washing – um not physically beating her, that is bad, i mean getting there before her, it can be making her coffee in bed or buying her flowers or giving her time when i want it for myself or choice of movie or food or whatever – so many things) it is just amazing and i actually benefit so much from it

if i make Val happy, then i am happy

so choose to love, every day when you wake up choose to love the person who you are with again and then live it out…

it is amazing. transform your love lives.

dating people, if you can’t choose to love that person every day, then perhaps you need to consider that dating them is not what you should be doing…

for the next part of ‘How to Love your woman better’ – Saying it. – click here.

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