One way to love your spouse better – Dalene Reyburn [the next right thing]

my friend Dalene, who is an incredible bloggist, has been married for 8 and a half years and this is a pearl of wisdom she has to share with us in terms of one way to love your marriage partner better:

‘My husband stares into other women’s eyes all day. It’s his job. But when he’s done with corneas and optic nerves he comes home and tells me sweet somethings and whispers wonder and holds me relieved and grateful. But like, some of those women are hot. And some of them probably wouldn’t mind staring a little longer.

Our marriage isn’t perfect but it’s freakin’ awesome. And I think this might be the secret:

You just keep on doing the Next Right Thing.

Sometimes the Next Right Thing is tiny, like pass the salt or iron a shirt. Sometimes it’s massive, like change churches or jobs or countries. Sometimes it’s making him the most important person in the room. Sometimes, it’s shut up. Say thanks. Make a covenant with your eyes. Hold his hand just because and like you’re fourteen and it’s the first time. Say yes more. (Because, ladies, sex is governed by your head not your body. You can decide to be in the mood.) Ask forgiveness. If the Next Right Thing isn’t obvious then pray for him, every time you open a drawer or switch on the kettle.

The Next Right Thing is always intentional. It’s always the answer to, ‘How do I love him right now?’

And it’s simple, not simplistic. It’s the hardest thing and the most powerful thing. It’s the thing that’s easy enough to be your default when you’re tired. Ecstatic or distracted. Overwhelmed or afraid.

And if, for example, you find out your baby boy is blind and there are operations and uncertainties and things start short-circuiting inside of you and it’s hard enough to hold yourself together never mind a marriage, then the Next Right Thing comes right down to What happened in your day? D’you want more tea? Next. Right. Thing. Over. And over. Until you’re through it and you can look back and see the wake of the ship plain sailing again in calm seas.

Before we started dating my husband read me Yeats:

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths

Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

We’ve only been married 2 979 days, but let’s say we’re each making only five Next Right Thing decisions every day – small, I’ll-feed-the-dog decisions – that’s already 29 790 decisions behind us. Without for a moment pretending we know tomorrow or presuming on every breath God lends, let’s say we’ll be married for 55 years before one of us goes Home. That’s another 17 155 days, and another 171 550 Next Right Thing decisions. I have faith that God is weaving those decisions into heavenly Yeats-type embroidered cloths of legacy and eternal breath-taking beauty weighted with glory. The Next Right Thing to wear and to walk on.’

Check her inspiring blog out here…

@deereyburn on the Tweetster

[to read what Robert Martin has to share on sacrificing self, click here]

One way[s] to Love your husband/wife better…

when you’re dating someone, you only see them at specific times and so generally you are able to always look good for them, for the most part you will be putting in extra effort and they will more than often see you at your best.

it is also generally a time where you are often carried along by the emotion and the ‘feelings’ and the fresh raw excitement of the idea that this person of the opposite gender seems to want to keep hanging out with you and keeps returning those goofy no-you-hang-up type of smiles you’re giving out…

then you get married and that person is around all the time and they get to see the good, the bad and the ugly of you in terms of looks and attitude and behaviour and suddenly there is work and effort and intentionality involved because marriage is hard work. well it is if you want to do it well. for most people anyways. for me and Val at least.

it is amazing! hear that for sure. don’t get lost in the ‘marriage is work’ and hear ‘marriage is no fun’ or anything like that – i will continue to shout from the rooftops [slash my bed] that “Marriage to the right person is the most incredible thing!” [for those wanting to be married at least – if you’re single and loving that, then that is also the best]

and because it is incredible it is worth putting a monumental amount of work and effort into…

because it is amazing it is worth inviting the wisdom and advice of others who have walked and are walking this journey well…

because it is a good thing it is worth sharing your successes with others…

so watch this space as i share a few and invite some good friends to add their thoughts as well…

Dalene Reyburn shares with us about doing the next right thing

Robert Martin shares a touching story encompassing the theme of self sacrifice

Sheralyn Cloete encourages us to assume, but well

Brett Fish shares about the importance of being present

Rich Erasmus shares a short but incredibly profound exercise he felt so helpful in really listening to and hearing his wife…

Brett Fish talks about Loving your person in a way that they can best receive it

[if you’ve been married for a bit and think you have a ‘one way’ to share worth sharing, please email it to me at brettfish@hotmail.com and i will definitely consider sharing it – name, how long you’ve been married and your piece of experienced wisdom]

Taboo Topics: Singleness – meet Dale Nunes

MY JOURNEY TO SINGLENESS

Some of you might already be trying to work out what my title really means; but it is as it says it is, my journey to singleness. I have a reached a point in my life where I am pretty happy about being single. This has not been an overnight destination and I must admit that there are times that I wish I could be married, but for most of the time I am happy as to where I am.

My name is Dale Nunes and this is my story and I hope it will be an encouragement to many of you reading this.

Growing up I was rather scared of the opposite sex and often avoided them, especially during my school life. I went to an all-boys school and I remember the first time I asked a girl out and she said yes. Man I was excited and very much afraid all at the same time. Well our relationship lasted about 6 months and in that time we went to the movies once, she came to my place once, and I went to her place once. What I had back then was more of a status than a relationship. Wow, that sounds a lot like Facebook, many people have a status but do they have a relationship?

Well, I was about to embark on a journey which would lead to more status changes, than any real relationship. After that first break-up I thought I would never get another girlfriend again. You guessed it, I did, I had a few very short lived relationships, ranging from 24hours (Ya, one lasted that short) to about 3 months. Again, looking back these were more of a status than a real relationship. I wanted to ‘have a girlfriend’. Over a number of years I had various status changes, but no real relationship. Looking back, none of these people would have been a suitable partner for me, don’t get me wrong, they were great people, but not right for me. Then there came a time in my life where I remained single for a few years, but was really longing for a new girlfriend.

I then moved to Cape Town and was still single for a while longer, having one more short relationship which now really frustrated me. I was getting fed up with these short lived relationships, I wanted a girlfriend – which was fast becoming – I want a wife. Again a new status which I was after. I started internet dating, hoping to find someone in this way. I did, we went out for a good while and I was really enjoying this new status of having a long term relationship, the only problem was that our relationship was not deepening or going anywhere and ended. Again fed up with the status of being single turned once more to internet dating to see if anyone else was out there. Well, this one girl whom I had made friends with about 2 years Earlier was also looking for someone. (We had met each other over the internet). We started chatting more and more and eventually met up and decided that we would date.

Things were really starting to look up, we were very comfortable with each other and felt that we were the right people to be with. I then decided after a short time (about 3 months) that it was time to move our relationship on, to ask her to marry me. I spoke to her about it and she was extremely excited, I then said I would speak to her parents about it before buying a ring – we still went to look at some anyway. Then came the day of asking the parents. And well, I am not go into the details, but things did not go as I was hoping. I asked the dad who said yes, but the mom was not happy and was pretty much against me from then on. My girlfriend at the time also became more distant. It ended.

So, I was once again on the status of being single. Actually this status is not bad at all, I am enjoying not having someone around. In fact the next status that I have must be a permanent one, and so I am no longer living the status of being single, but rather living the single life, putting God in front of it all and trusting Him to help me find the right one, not the next status. Let me finish with this little bit of advice to anyone reading this; mainly to all the single people – don’t go out looking to find a girlfriend/boyfriend just so that you have a new status. Don’t get a new girlfriend/boyfriend just so that you can be ‘cool’ like everyone else. My advice is to wait until you meet the right person and then go for it. Now, I just want to clear up something here – I am not saying stay single until you meet the right person. In my opinion, the way you find out if a person is suited to you or not is to date them, just make sure you are not dating them just to have a status update.

Well, that is about it from me, stay connected and remember that above all singleness is not a bad status to have.

Ten Ways to Love part X: Pray without ceasing.

so this is the last of the ten ways to Love and it might be good to mention again that i got these on a list and just expounded on them – this was originally number 4 but i bumped it to the end, not because it is any less important but because the others were more relevant to everyone whereas this one is specific to people of faith…

Colossians 1.9 reads, ‘For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives…’

in my experience relationships are never easy. or never always easy. some seem easier than others and usually when you are looking at someone else’s dating or marriage relationship, you are exposed to the public side of it and so it will usually look movie-like and if you have ever had a strong difference of opinion with the person you Love and are in relationship with, then you may quickly find at that moment that the genre shifts from romantic comedy somewhat.

and so for this reason [and others] it makes a lot of sense not to do relationships alone and i am thinking specifically of marriage here but to differing degrees it can be relevant to friendships and dating as well. the colossians verse above starts with the phrase “since we heard… we have not stopped praying” and so this last way to Love could perhaps as significantly be titled ‘be an active part of community’ [whether church or small group or strong group of friends or combinations thereof] because the knowledge that people are praying for you is a powerful thing.

when i got married [to the beautiful Val] it felt like God took relationships and marriage in particular and placed them heavily on my heart – the growing statistics of divorce [as equal among christians as non-christians apparently] break my heart in terms of the statement it makes loudly that ‘We don’t do relationships well!’ and i wanted [and want] to be used wherever i can be to speak life and hope and perseverance and longevity into them, and hopefully model healthy relationships too.

and i am hoping it will make my Taboo Topic list someday altho finding anyone brave enough to share might be tough but ‘People who struggle in marriage’ is a topic that is never spoken about [until suddenly a separation or divorce is announced and often hits a lot of friends and family by surprise as everything looked great on the outside] but is really real and my desire is for married people to find safe people that they can share their struggles with in a way that brings them and their person closer together and provides outside prayer and assistance.

but also within the relationship it is good to have it centered on God and people do that differently whether praying together or praying individually but for each other or combinations of both. one of the strongest times for our marriage has been lying in bed together late at night having God-filled conversation about life or people or situations we find ourselves in and as we talk those out, they become like prayers to God as well [as prayer is as simple as conversing with God] and so it is incredibly important to find those places and times to really invite God into the midst of your stuff.

i will finish off with the rest of the passage that initial verse comes from as i think it is a powerful piece to meditate on:

‘For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of His holy people in the kingdom of light. For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.’ [Colossians 1.9-14]

as i seek to bring the concept of praying without ceasing into my own marriage, may i also be reminded to constantly be praying for the relationships of those around me, that they will be built on the Love of God that always hopes, always protects, always perseveres.

to head back to the start of this series in case you missed any of them, go here.

the relationship series: links from dating through to marriage and beyond…

i have posted some different series recently on the topic of relationships, ranging from dating to marriage, which have been very popular and so i thort i would stick all the links on one page to make them all more easily accessible, so choose what is for you and feel free to share and pass around:

‘i kissed dating’ series looking at different aspects of dating but also where are all the good christian men/women?

How to Love your Woman better

How to save a marriage [before you need to]

How to save a marriage [before you need to] – the parts

if you are a single person, then embrace that, completely. hope to be married if that is your dream, but be absolutely content with where you are and living in it, til the opportunity arises. don’t live where you’re not.

if you are a married person, then embrace that, completely. be content with what you have, while always striving for more. if you are not constantly working at your marriage, then you may soon discover the rut beckoning. in any relationship, the rut is a terrible thing.

ever since the beautiful val and i got married, God has put relationships [and especially marriage] strongly on my heart as something to pour into, not only for us, but others as well… so i asked a bunch of my married friends [who i think are married well] for one or two things that they see as vital/helpful to having a good marriage.

Their thoughts and comments are linked to below, but i recently also stumbled upon this blog which gives a great sense of understanding in terms of the expectation we are encouraged to have our whole lives of meeting “the right person” who probably doesn’t exist in the form we imagine them:

How I know my wife married the “Wrong” person, by Tyler McKenzie

And then here are the rest of the nuggets of gold gleaned over a variety of years and experiences:

Dave Gale [married 22 years]: featuring communication, give and take

Mal Taylor: featuring teamwork, space and differences

Ewald Witthoft [married 6 years]: featuring clearing up issues, past disagreements and using ‘we’ language

Bronwyn Duffield Witthoft [married 6 years]: featuring unique perspective and calm discussion

Lisa Pieterse: featuring praying together, listening vs interruption and contact

Richard ‘Snoek’ Leonard: featuring humility, a surrendered heart, and a 1 Corinthians 13 Love

Rob Lloyd [married for seven years]: featuring little ways

Debbie Knighton-Fitt [married for 6 years]: featuring togetherness and selflessness

Rob Murray [married for 9 years]: featuring escape hatches, holiness vs happiness, and leading

an anonymous friend [married for 31 years]: featuring respect, united fronts and budgeting

Carolyn Hugo Misdorp [married 12 years]: featuring personal relationship with God, short accounts and gratitude

Michelle and Frans van Eeden [who i got to marry – 2 years ago]: featuring comparing, patience and making mistakes

Lauren McGill [married for 7 years]: featuring vulnerability

Daniel Ornellis [married for 13 years]: featuring disappointments and sacrifice

Susan Minne [my older sister, married for 21 years]: featuring the blame game

Rachel T Moore [married for 3 years]: featuring diffusing, actively pursuing joy and prayer

Clint Botha [married for 7 years]: featuring Jesus, laughing, quick forgiveness and clean fighting

Bev Le Roux Brodrick [married for 7 years]: featuring expectations, inconvenient love and survival

Taboo Topics: Singleness [Intro]

SINGLENESS is a topic that usually does not get addressed well, if at all.

There was a time when particularly within the catholic church the focus was on singleness as the way to have reached it – nuns and monks and the gift of celibacy were the way to go and being single meant you were seen as more spiritual and closer to God and there were bible passages that could be used to ‘back this up’.

Then the protestant church swung the pendulum completely the other way and being married and then being married with children [must be biological children!] was the way to have arrived and so this unspoken goal of life seemed to be what was put on the pedestal and held higher than anything else.

i believe, as with most things, that both extremes are problematic and now that i have had five years of marriage [and having had a good run of 35 years of largely singleness] i believe that i can speak with some measure of authority to both of them.

Neither being single nor being married is ‘the better way’ – Paul, in his letter to the church in Phillipi [and us by extension] says this, specifically speaking into the aspect of financial well-being, but i believe it carries over into every area of life: ‘I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.’ [Philippians 4.12-13]

Contentment is the key – be where you are and enjoy where you are at – if you are single then embrace your singleness and make the most of it in every way possible – and if/when you get married then live that to the full. Don’t sit in the place of one desperately wishing that you were in the other. BUT, that doesn’t mean that if you are single and do want to be married that you should not keep on gently presenting that desire before God:

‘Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.’ [Philippians 4.4-7]

As much as God already knows your heart and your desires, it is by presenting them to Him that you invite relationship, that you invite Him in to minister to aspects of loneliness or rejection or bruised dreams or hopes that may be in you.

i LOVED my singleness and when i look back i don’t desire that i had gotten married ten years earlier and missed out on all the opportunities and possibilities of adventure that happened because it was just me. and so i really learnt [for the most part, i had my bad days… weeks… months…] to just really make the most of the situation i found myself in… but at the same time i really believed that i had too much love for one person and so i wanted to be married [especially around singles table time at weddings] and i took that to God regularly and sometimes with gentle request and other times more with ‘C’mon God, don’t you like me or what?’ less graceful questioning, but for the most part, the overall was a sense of let me be content where i am while i am here and keep my prayers, requests and longings before God.

i got to a place where i had largely resigned myself to the fact that i was going to be single for life [and somewhat largely, with much intermittent sighing, okay with that] and then the beautiful Val came along and the rest is history… or presentcy or something.

one of the hardest things in my life, especially since i got married, is seeing a bunch of really incredible friends of mine who are around my age [which is approaching old] and who are desiring to be married, but yet are still single, because i get it. to a large extent i really do. [which is possibly why a huge part of my 51 minute wedding speech was focusing on single people] it doesn’t feel right or fair and you get to a point when it doesn’t feel hopeful any more. people who view marriage as the end point make you feel stupid and sad and unfulfilled and your friends who are dating and getting married and having kids [again, if this is what you wanted] make it really hard to be around them sometimes [often through no fault of their own]. and the thing is a bunch of them are incredible amazing people who, it feels like to me, deserve to find their life partner a lot more than other people [if there is such a thing]. so i will keep praying, and hoping, and trying to be as encouraging as i can to them and challenging them to live singleness well while it is a reality. but don’t stop laying that desire before God if you are wanting something more.

And to anyone who EVER says to a single woman, “let Jesus be your boyfriend”, you honestly deserve a punch on the nose.

There are some brave people who are going to be sharing their stories in this regard and i honour you for doing so:

to read the story of my good friend Sammi Taylor – ‘The emotions and stages and experience changes daily and is sometimes hard to pin down and describe.’

to read the story of my friend and housemate Sueihn Lee – ‘I’ve been boy crazy since the age of five.’

to read the story of Kate Hurley aka ‘The Sexy Celibate’ – ‘I just needed to let go, insinuating it was my own fault i was single.’

to read the story of my friend Kate Sherry – content with being single right now

to read the story of my friend Cilnette Pienaar – ‘The whispered hope that a shared adventure could actually be in the will of God for my life.’

to read the story of Dani Scoville [and a look at Deconstructing Boundaries]

to read the story of my friend Beverley Rufener – ‘I wish I could say that being single was easy but at times it is outright overwhelming.’

to read the story of my new friend Alexa O S Russell – ‘Is there space for Bridget Jones at church?’

to read the story of my Island style friend Deborah Dowlath – ‘I realise that being single in my 30s is a whole different dynamic from being single in my 20s.’

to read the story of 26 year old Angela Saint-Truth – ‘I didn’t want the sacrifice that love demands or the growth it requires… I just wanted the emotions that relationships produce…’

to read the story of Amanda Kuehn – ‘His banner over me is single.’

to read the story of Lynley Pillay – ‘I was engaged once. So technically I’m disengaged now.’

to read the story of Phil Barlow – ‘I’m single and I love it! Sometimes… sometimes not so much.’

to read the story of my friend and possibly brother-in-law Dale Nunes [his brother married my sister]

some other blog posts i was directed to that contain some great stuff on the topic are:

‘Singleness is not a Prelude’ [on a blog called ‘broken cameras and gustav klimt’ guest posted by Jennie Pollock]

‘I don’t wait anymore’ [on a blog called Grace for the Road]

Singles and the Church: Why it Sucks to be Unintentionally Overlooked [Kate Hurley

What my Married Friends would like their Single Friends to know

Also a series on What my Married Friends would like their Single Friends to know