Chasing LOL – part I

So by now, if you know me, you know that i don’t really believe LOL is a thing.

Apart from someone in my close family who actually thought it meant ‘Lots Of Love’ and actually [true story] sent it to a friend via text who had just lost a family member, as in: i heard your dad died. LOL

But my basic theory is this: If you’re writing LOL [which, family member, stands for Laugh Out Loud] then you’re clearly not LOLing! Because who can type accurately if they are in fact laughing in an out loud kind of manner? [Most people i know shake, do you shake?]

Anyways, one person i know in life who regularly gets me to actually blatantly honestly LOL is my buddy, Dreadlock Mike, and i’m not sure why it is, but when we get together we both become little seven year old gigglers [do seven year olds giggle? whichever age that is, we’re them] which is why i love hanging out with Mike and recently it was Mike and i reading out Jack Handey’s that was bringing out the LOLs.

If you don’t know Jack Handey’s work, then it is my absolute pleasure to share it with you. Different people respond to different thoughts of his and so if you don’t like all of them, that is fine. i am going to post five today and if one of them brings you closer to LOLing than the others, let me know which one it was below…

The tiger can’t just change his spots. No, wait, he did. Good for him. [Jack Handey]

Whenever y read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books. [Jack Handey]

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out of it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window. [Jack Handey]

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don’t run with a wooden stake. [Jack Handey]

It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realised that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating. [Jack Handey]

Which of those came closest for you? Or do you have a favourite Jack Handey? Share with us in the comments section and we’ll see if it makes it into the next episode of Chasing LOL… 

[For more Jack Handey love, check out Chasing LOL part II over here]

The Great Brett Andy Survey – part I

“Consider the Daffodil. And while you do I’ll be over there looking through your stuff!” [Jack Handey]

I’m no Jack Handey [thought Caw] but i really do enjoy me some good random misdirected word humour as only he can get as right as he often does in such classic Handey Deep Thoughts as:

“Before you criticise a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have his shoes.”

“One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. ‘Oh no,’ I said, ‘Disneyland burned down.’ “He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. ‘I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.”

“To me clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to a circus and a clown killed my dad.”

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

“Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.”

“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”

and of course: “Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the two words that make it up – “Mank” and “Kind”. What do these words mean? I’ts a mystery and that’s why so is mankind. 

Now I’m no Jack Handey but a few years ago I got into the habit of trying to come up with my own Jack Handeyesque type deep thorts and I naturally called them ‘Deep Thorts by Brett Andy’  so as not to be completely sued… I figured it’s time to revive some of the better ones and to try and get an idea of which you, the general public, feel really work and really don’t…

So, if you have a minute and a half to read the selection below and in the comments section, let me know which are your top one to three and which ones, if any, you would personally choose to strike from the list. If you’re feeling really magnanimous, you could invite a friend to do the same or share this post on your Facebooking wall or stick it in the Tweeterer, or you could be really cool and use your favourite one as a status and see if it gets any response:

[1] “I don’t think there can be anything sadder than watching a mime struggle at Charades. “That was your chance, man!” [Brett Andy]

[2] “I’ll bet Rock-Paper-Scissors was a lot less fun before scissors were invented… and paper.” [Brett Andy]

[3] “People who live in glass houses, shouldn’t!” [Brett Andy]

[4] ‘I would imagine a horse drawn carriage would be a really ugly thing. For starters, it must be almost impossible to grip a pencil with hooves. Plus there is all that fine detail around the edges to consider.’ [Brett Andy]

[5] “After watching the cricket for five days, I thought to myself, “I’ve got to get myself a more interesting bug!” [Brett Andy]

[6] “I think the story of Hansel and Gretel teaches us that it’s okay to push old people into ovens. But only if they first tried to eat you.” [Brett Andy]

[7] ‘Do you think if minutes were edible, they’d taste good enough that we’d want to go back for seconds?’ [Brett Andy]

Best and Worst? And worthy of a share or a copy or a link? Appreciate your time…

love Brett Andy

 [For round 2 and a further invitation to choose your favourites, click here, thought Caw]

you don’t know jack [question mark] part Juan

so i found out yesterday for sure sure that jack handey is a real person – for years i was one (of many apparently – thankx wrinklypedia) who suspected he might not be an actual person but a collective grouping of like minded humourous quote writing peoples quotes

anyways i am sure a lot of you have never heard of him and so i decided to post some of my favourite jack handey deep thorts that are completely random which is one of my favourite types of humour – you’ll either ‘get it’ or you won’t – it’s okay either way, we can’t all have higher grade senses of humus:

It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window.

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn’t know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he’d eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”

I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!

[For more hilarious Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, click here]