squishy fruit conspiracy

i hate raiSINs. no really. no, not like you do, i mean really hate them. yes, i hear that you feel like you hate them, but in comparison to me you pretty much like them. in fact they may be your favourite poison food.

you don’t believe me? well, let’s do a little test, because there are three kinds of people who say they hate raiSINs [and only one kind is a true ‘believer’]

[1] you ‘hate raiSINs’ but you like them in stuff? REALLY? What are you on? You’re a fake. Have met so many of you who will make the absolute statement of ‘I hate raiSINs’ but then follow it up with the caveat [a word i am using incorrectly, just because i like the sound of it, the rest of the sentence tells you exactly what i mean, carry on] of ‘but i can eat them in bobotie’ [or some other food] No. You don’t get to call yourself a raiSIN hater!

[2] you ‘hate raiSINs’ but you like them by themselves? WHATAREYOUON? Because really i think that’s even worse. I’m allergic to flour so I can’t eat bread but I can eat spoonfuls of it from the bag. It makes no crazy sense at all. But yes, you are out there. “Can’t eat raiSINs cooked in stuff but you like them by themselves, or let’s be honest, mixes with peanuts.” Woergh! Not true!

[3] Group 3 is those of us who really do hate raiSINs as in gag reflex the moment we bite into a ‘choc chip cookie’ and know instantly that we have been tricked. As in can’t eat them in things OR by themselves. As in we have noticed that the word raiSIN contains the word ‘SIN’- coincidence? i think not. More like a co-sin-cidence! [that’s not a word] If you are a true raiSIN hater then welcome to the club.

You still are probably not as much of a raiSIN hater as me, but you are acceptable. I say ‘you’re probably not’ and stick to it unless you have three or more of the following:

# started the ‘I hate raiSINs group on Facebook [nope, that was me!]

# had a ritualistic raiSIN-burning ceremony in a park with two friends late at nite [it was for a friend’s 18th birthday video]

# developed a theology of why the tree in the middle of the garden of eden was actually a vine and the warning to Adam was about fruit gone bad [grapes to raiSINs] with actual verses to back it up that i chose to stop telling the one time i saw a group listening to me a little too intently [like they were actually believing me]

# written a song about raiSINs, got it recorded by a friend of yours in the Brothers Streep band and got it on an mp3 playlist where voting [by friends] took it above songs by groups like Just Jinger, GoawayPolisiekar and Goldfish… so charted above some top SA bands on a meaningless friend-affected chart

# wrote a sequel follow up song called ‘Sultanas’ [the evil cousin of the raiSIN] as a parody to the song ‘Informer’ by Snow and recorded that [by same Brother Streep friend]

# wrote a third anti-raiSIN song to the tune of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody [Bohemian RaiSIN-Die!] which i never found a band to be able to perform the music of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody for [yet] and so it still waits…

so yes. i think i win. but it’s not about winning. it’s about hating raiSINs. and listening to this song called the ‘Squishy Fruit Conspiracy’ which for a very short period of time had me ranked above some very important bands. and Steve Hofmeyr.

If you send me one of these you will be much loved.

dangerous raiSINs you can least most expect…

after a bit of an extended break Brad Fish is back and this time he is struggling a bit to even get started on the topic of why raiSINs are a dangerous thing you can least expect as can be witnessed here – DTYCLE: raiSINs part I

but after a short break and a trip to his psychotherapanalyst and much breathing into a brown paper bag he decided to give it a second go – DTYCLE: raiSINs part II

the result is a lot of silly fun – hope you enjoy and if you do please spread the love [and hatred of raiSINs] and don’t find yourself being unraisinable and keeping this to yourself…

Squishy Fruit Conspiracy [and other anti-raisin songs i have recorded]

So back in the day i recorded a song with my friend Simon van Wyk [now a world famous Brother Streep] titled ‘Squishy Fruit Conspiracy’ which was about my personal hatred towards raisins and other related squishy fruits…

You can listen to that song here as well as the follow-up i did called ‘Sultanas’ which was a parody of Snow’s ‘Informer’ from a whole bunch of other years ago…

And the even famouser No_bob [the world’s most famous stuffed dolphin who i was going to call ‘Bob’ but he doesn’t!] song performed by my friends in the band Serving Suggestion [also very much back in the day] is also there as a bonus…

Feels like it’s almost time to come up with a new one… the world must know…

you made me so angry, oh wait no you didn’t

i have a hypothesis which is like a zoologist student’s big masters year essay on 4000-8000 lbs river-dwelling creatures that are responsible for more deaths per year than lions… but that’s a different story…

what i want to suggest to you today is that no-body in the world has the ability to make me angry

“but brett, that just isn’t true, i’ve watched you play hockey”

“silence, in-fidelllll i kill you”

thankx achmed, but i’ll take it from here…

and no-one in the whole world has the power to make you angry!

“oh, but brett, they do, have you seen me in traffic during rush hour?”

i loved that movie!!! but no, let me explain – the reason nobody else can make you angry is because only you can make you angry

i’m convinced that anger, like love, is a choice

now people and situations can point me in the direction of becoming angry – person hacks my foot in a hockey game, taxi pulls recklessly in front of me in traffic, i hit my thumb with a saw (i’m not very good with tools) and so on…

but how i respond to said person or situation is a complete choice by me

how do i know this? because i have observed people in the very same situations that ‘make me angry’ and yet they don’t respond in anger – and i have been in similiar situations when on one occasion my response will be anger and on another it won’t be

here is an example – i am alone, i hit my thumb with a hammer (someone pointed out i was hammering things in earlier this note using a saw) and i immediately swear… a lot…

in a different example, i am hammering and my parents and parents-in-law and Bono are in the room (it could happen) and i hit my thumb and i will most likely use a fake swearword like “fudgecakes” or “7de laan” which proves that i can affect the outcome of my anger depending on who is nearby – [if i happened to shout out ‘bloody’ by mistake i would definitely pretend i was doing a metal version of ‘sunday bloody sunday’ so that Bono wouldn’t think less of me]

and it really all boils down to a choice – someone treats me unfairly, i arrive late at the movies and all the tickets are sold out, someone scrapes my car… all those things point me in the direction of anger, but i can choose to walk that road or not

‘a fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control’ – proverbs 29.11

and one of the descriptions of love in 1 cor 13 is that it is ‘not easily angered’

Jesus got angry. Flippin angry. In matthew 21.12/john 2.15 he fashions a whip and drives out the people selling stuff in the temple grounds and overturns tables – it is the righteous anger of seeing something that is godly being perverted by greedy men…

ephesians 4.26 maybe says it best when it says, ‘in your anger, do not sin. do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.’

and so maybe anger isn’t so much the problem as how we let it out – how quickly we let it out – and how long we hold on to it

the beautiful Val and i have a principle in our marriage of never going to bed angry which leads to some awkward waited out silences on some occasions as we get ourselves to a place where we can apologise and speak it out and work through whatever the issue is – hard and awkward and weird sometimes, but a marriage saver or enhancer for sure

i think it is important to get angry – crime should make us angry… so should abuse. murder. rape should make us insanely angry. waste. litter [seriously, smoker, carry that thing to a bin!] racism. sexism. raisins [okay maybe not everyone should be angry at raisins, but i certainly am, little gross squishy puke maggots!] injustice.

those things should all make us angry. but we should be slow to respond. and we should respond with wisdom and grace, and in love.

slow to anger, quick to love.

one of the downsides of anger is it can ruin a moment, an occasion, a day – i remember i used to get pretty angry and road ragey in traffic and just used to spend so much time angry – but i think it was the realisation that my anger never changed the situation, it never made people drive better, or apologise to me for their rude cutting in, or whatever – it was only affecting me. and so i decided to stop it. and largely i did.

i think if you are able to stop and take a step back and view the situation and see how getting ridiculously angry will affect the situation and you, it will make it a lot easier not to get angry, or to get angry but with a controlled response – you know what, you’re a ponce, but i’m not going to let you destroy my moment, occasion, day by getting all angry about it – i will deal with the situation, and with you if necessary, but i’m going to keep my cool and respond rather than react, and continue to enjoy my day

so say it with me, ‘i made me angry’ – now stoppit, me!

the brothers streep

so my friend simon is in a band (well about twenty seven bands last time i counted, altho i was just counting, not counting bands he is in per say, but it was fun) and if you have never heard or seen anything Brothers Streep then you should mosey on down to  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOHTavjfYxY and check out the promo ad for the storytellers they are going to be holding soon… you should be there… it might even be this Friday…

simon lends me a lot of his comedic dvds and records raisin songs for me almost every time i have one and he lets me play Settlers of Catan with his sister and once made me lunch and it wasn’t half bad (i don’t want to talk about the other half, some things stay between friends) but check out that promo video and then look down the side and watch their debut on the Graham Norton show and some of their other videos

i guess you could say they are to comedy what something else would be like compared to a thing it is pretty much like in the aspects of your comparing it.

true story.