When tbV [the beautiful Val] and i were living in Oakland about a year ago, we came across a book titled ‘Free’ by a friend of ours we had met over here, Mark Scandrette.
The tagline of the book is ‘Spending your Time and Money on What Matters Most’ and that really does sum up the book. We decided to gather some people together and work through the book over an eight week period. Continue reading
i have recently been collating some of my archived blogs on various aspects of relationship and so here are a bunch of different thorts and ideas related to DATING largely by me but also from a friend or two of mine – hope they give you a fresh and inspiring picture of some different aspects when it comes to DATING:
i kissed dating, part number one thing
dating Q & A: where have all the good (christian) men gone? [the email]
dating Q & A: where have all the good (christian) men gone? [the reply]
dating Q & A: where have all the good (christian) men gone? [more reply]
vision/values essential, passion helpful
good, positive, successful break-ups [WHAT?]
how far is too far? [part III]
Step up! [Both of you!] – for the Ladies!
Step up! [Both of you!] – for the Men?
i kissed dating part revirgining yourself
i kissed dating part Joy and Serving one another in Love
i kissed dating – guest post – the dog whisperer
i kissed dating part Eliminate the Klingon
i kissed dating part “the ONE”
continuing with a look at the whole dating thing and how JESUS-FOLLOWERS NEED TO BE UPPING THEIR GAME, transforming their lives thru A RENEWING OF THEIR MINDS and being part of creating a BETTER, HEALTHIER SYSTEM OF DATING…
this one is closely linked to the previous one which was about dating someone who has JESUS AS THEIR NUMBER ONE, which is ESSENTIAL, and it deals with a sense of compatability looking specifically at VISION AND PASSION
let me start by saying that i don’t think there is any kind of set pattern of needing to date either someone exactly like you or someone who is completely opposite to you – i don’t think there is a rule – in fact, BECAUSE RELATIONSHIPS INVOLVE PEOPLE they will DIFFER SO HUGELY FROM PERSON TO PERSON that there will probably be MORE GUIDING PRINCIPLES THAN RULES with most aspects of relationships.
but i do think that HAVING A SENSE OF EACH OTHERS VISION will be a huge factor in determining whether you are LIKELY TO BE A GOOD MATCH OR NOT.
but let’s start with PASSIONS/INTERESTS – things that DON’T COUNT AS MUCH – for example, val really enjoys watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ whereas i can’t stand it – does that mean we shouldn’t be together? not at all. what it generally means is that val hires ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ episodes when i am out playing TheatreSports so she can enjoy them by herself… but it also means that a few weeks ago i hired the last disc of the series she was watching and watched it with her (as a sign of my love for her) and tried to not be too disparaging about the stuff i don’t enjoy in it. But we both enjoy ‘Scrubs’ and ‘Chuck’ and ‘Top Gear’ and so we watch those together all the time which is great.
the point is that OUR PASSIONS – the things we enjoy (hobbies, pastimes, sport, entertainment, music) – CAN BE DIFFERENT, even largely so, and it doesn’t really matter – altho it is REALLY GREAT WHEN OUR PASSIONS ARE THE SAME because it means we can SHARE THOSE THINGS – so for me and tbV it’s things like Coldplay/Snow Patrol/Mumford & Sons [music] and Carcossane/Settlers/Rage [games] and cooking/reading/starcrafting(recently for her, yay!)/soduko [pasttimes] and much more… but we also have things that ONLY ONE OF US ENJOY DOING and it’s important that we MAKE SPACE FOR EACH OTHER to do that.
when it comes to VISION AND VALUES, the things that define WHO WE ARE and the DIRECTION WE’RE GOING IN, i think it is more IMPORTANT THAT THEY OVERLAP a lot more. the number 1 factor here which we’ve looked at is having Jesus as your number 1. another example of this is children – if you have spent your life wanting three kids and your wife has spent her life not wanting any children, then that is a value that will more than likely prove you are not a good match. if one of the parties places huge value on career and the other one places huge value on family, then those values could clash strongly and also point towards this not necessarily being the best match.
i don’t have a comprehensive list of vision and values because there are so many things it could be but the key is being able to FIGURE OUT AND COMMUNICATE WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU AND YOUR PARTNER and see IF A LIFE TOGETHER WOULD BE POSSIBLE with those things in mind. Are the vision and values going to BRING YOU CLOSER TOGETHER or are they likely to become OBSTACLES TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
basically we are saying, ARE WE WALKING IN THE SAME OR SIMILIAR DIRECTION (so that if we both keep walking the way we do we will end up in the same place together) and do we place emphasis and importance on the same things when it comes to THINGS THAT COUNT?
it is possible to have SOME AREAS THAT DIFFER and by talking to each other and working out SOME COMPROMISES (meeting each other halfway as opposed to one person simply giving up all their stuff) you can still see good relationship happen, but if the majority of the vision/values differ it is GOING TO BE VERY TRICKY and possibly MORE TROUBLE THAN IT IS WORTH to make it happen.
none of this means the other person is a bad person. it is NOT A CHARACTER JUDGEMENT. it is merely a case of seeing how you both function and operate and which direction you are both going in and REALISING THAT YOU ARE NOT A GREAT MATCH in terms of dating and ultimately marriage.
but this can also ACT AS A GUIDE to help you FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL BE A GOOD MATCH FOR YOU. if you both have similiar vision and values then it will be a lot easier and more fun to be HEADING IN THE SAME DIRECTION and the LIKELIHOOD OF A STRONG RELATIONSHIP is increased.
maybe a good thing for you to do is SIT DOWN SOMETIME and try and IDENTIFY your values and vision and passions so that you are aware of what you are bringing to the party… happy dating!
i believe it is imperative that THE NUMBER 1 THING IN YOUR LIFE IS THE NUMBER 1 THING IN HER LIFE [i’m talking guy to girl here, but all of this flows both ways]
when it comes to passion and interests and hobbies and so on there is room to have differing, even at times opposing interests, but NOT WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR PRIMARY FOCUS and joy and directional force.
in the context of CHRIST-FOLLOWING RELATIONSHIPS this is ABSOLUTELY WITHOUT EXCEPTION THE CASE, and the beauty is that the ‘what?’ has already been decided on (or in this case the ‘Who’)
because as a Christ-follower, THE NUMBER 1 THING/PERSON IN MY LIFE HAS TO BE JESUS! That is what Christ-following means. That is the call Jesus makes on your life [See Luke 9.23]
and so you need to find someone who has Jesus as their number 1!
which, in effect, answers the question, “IS IT OKAY FOR A CHRISTIAN TO DATE A NON-CHRISTIAN?” and the answer is NO, but for BOTH OF YOUR SAKES!
let me give you an example. if i started dating the beautiful Val (tbV) and she was not a Christ-follower then i would not have been able to share with her the most important thing in my life (Jesus and my relationship with Him). So for me Jesus would be the most important thing in my life. For her IT WOULD BE SOMETHING ELSE – and it doesn’t matter what that something else is – her number 1 could be herself or it could be me or it could be money or fame or sport or whatever – the bottom line is that WE WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO SHARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN OUR LIVES with each other.
and what that does is it interrupts and IT PUTS SHACKLES ON INTIMACY – intimacy with each other will only be able to go so far because we are completely unable to share the thing that is most important to us – and that is tragic. because a huge part of relationship is identification and sharing and journeying together and so we would be able to have relationship and it might seem great and be a lot of fun, but somewhere along the line there would be a friction or a tension because our two greatest things are different.
for some reason, when this happens, the way it generally (not always but usually) plays out is that the girl is a Christ-follower and the guy is not, and generally what happens is that THE GIRL MOVES AWAY FROM HER FAITH rather than the guy moving towards it…
“but i’m going to lead him closer to Jesus by dating him” – that’s the vibe a lot of girls have put out and with completely well-meaning intentions… and we have even coined a term for it – ‘missionary dating’ (pretty horrible actually and quite deceptive if you think about it) – but in my 3O plus years of existence I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF SOMEONE BECOMING A FOLLOWER OF JESUS THROUGH SALIVA…
huh? yes, you heard me. cos what is the main difference between being someones friend and dating them? the physical aspects of a relationship. and so if your chief concern is to introduce them to Jesus and life to the full and so on, surely it can be done as a friend and there is no added need to do it from the place of relationship. in fact, THE PHYSICAL ASPECTS AND TEMPTATIONS that get added with relationship (especially relationship with someone who doesn’t follow Jesus who is likely to have a different value system to you when it comes to that stuff) ONLY BRINGS DISTRACTION to the purpose at hand so why not remove them altogether.
as i said IT’S A TWO-WAY THING. you are not just doing this for you, but for them. if they are not able to understand or ‘get’ or share the number 1 thing in your life with you, then it will be frustrating and confusing for them and a barrier will be built up between you and them.
so IF THE PERSON YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR IS NOT A FOLLOWER OF JESUS, don’t complicate things for them, or you both. be the best friend you can be to them. love them and model Jesus-living to them and introduce them (in actions and also words) to the One who will bring life to the full. but DO IT FROM THE CONTEXT OF FRIENDSHIP! don’t waste your time, and theirs, pursuing something that cannot move to the next level.
this is a KEY ASPECT TO THE WAY WE DO DATING RELATIONSHIPS – conform no longer, transform your mind and your actions, and see better, safer, healthier outcomes.
used this analogy at youth group i spoke at on Friday – amazing bunch of young people in the lesser known place of Factreton – and then completely convicted during worship singing time in church yesterday morning about how not there i am – making amends this week…
log in the middle of a fire – burns solidly, adds to warmth and function of fire
log on edge of fire – still burning but maybe not so intensely, easier for it to roll away or be taken out
burning log removed from fire – will be on fire for a while, then hot for a long while, but the longer it stays out of the fire the colder it gets until eventually it is completely cold and ineffective
that’s us if we take our focus off being still and knowing that He is God and the remaining in Him that Jesus speaks about in John 15 (vine and branches) – it is so important that we stay in the midst of the fire (devouring the truth of the Bible, worshipping in community, spending time in prayer, speaking and listening, meditating on God and His Truth and so on) so that we can be affective and contribute to people standing near the fire or the meal cooking on the fire
if we lose that we will grow colder and eventually lose our flame completely
it is the starting point, it is our foundation, everything else should come from there
the coolest part is that it is quite easy to throw a log back on the fire and it does not take long for the wood to catch again – and so that is what i am going to be looking at doing this week – climbing back on that fire
burn me Jesus, set me on fire with Your passion, with Your Love, with Your mission.
so this morning we had an Oikos gathering at Seattle coffee shop in Century City where all good Oikos gatherings happen – basically the idea is for an informal setting for people passionate about Jesus (yet maybe not so passionate about church or struggling with church in its current form and style) to have a space to talk openly about loving God and loving people and struggles with church and new exciting books or ideas or possibilities
so it’s every now and then when i feel like it – send out the word and 3 to 8 ish people come and hang and chat and listen – normal format is awkward silence for half an hour or so then suddenly it clicks and people start connecting – because it’s different people every time there is no growing in community in a sense hence the slow start
but today was different – there were 8 of us i think (frans and michelle and mark chapman and ross and jessie and victor and jaryd) and yeah it was just really positive and good questions were asked and some exciting stories were shared [Pinelands Baptist for example, instead of standing outside the recent Sexpo in Cape Town boycotting and placard-waving with all the other good christians, apparently bought a stand inside the Sexpo and advertised their marriage courses and various opportunities for people around Cape Town to strengthen their marriages – and apparently won awards for most liked stall or something like that – that kind of initiative excites me!]
bottom line for me i think was a statement that i made that Christ-followers need to get more creative with their faith (not compromising on it or watering it down at all but finding new ways to present it or live it out and make it real) and every follower of Jesus needs to take or make more time to stop (collaborate and listen) and ask God what they should be doing with what they have (money, skills, passion, time) because i think if they did (and then followed thru) the world would be a much much better place.
i have a friend called Roy (or Conrad Roy)
he is one of the new students who was in our church enGAGE this year and is now part of our leadership team for next year
i really like Roy, for a number of reasons:
he says ‘awesome’ a lot. now i don’t like it when people say ‘awesome’ a lot because i personally have reserved the word ‘awesome’ for God cos it seems a travesty when you say ‘God is awesome’ and then ‘that ice-cream is aswesome’ or ‘that hockey goal you scored last night, brett, was awesome’- it’s like you’re comparing God with an ice-cream – so for me i reserve the word ‘awesome’ for God. Roy uses it ALL the time and so it should really annoy me, but it doesn’t. because he is generally just so excited about life and everything in life that i think ‘awesome’ is his way of getting it out. and so his using the word ‘awesome’ is an expression of his zest for life and i LOVE his zest for life.
not only does Roy operate on a ‘glass half full’ way of thinking about his own life, but he will see his glass as full and overflowing and will look across and see your glass (which is smashed and lying on the floor) as half full and then offer you his. Roy has come and helped out my VOB hockey team a few times and is an amazing athlete (possible pole vault contender for next Olympicals) and i am not as good although have probly been playing the hockey of my life this last year and Roy has just been such a huge encouragement on and off the field and really helped me with my self-belief which in turn has helped me play better. in fact he set up my first of two goals i scored this season and was super stoked for me when i samessed him last nite about my second goal.
he is super animated when telling stories, especially bible stories which he starts acting out even without realising i think and is really fun to watch – again just his passion for the moment.
and he is super deep – still young and still a bit loud and can be distractive at times, BUT when he goes into the zone and starts speaking about deep stuff he has been thinking about in terms of life or God or church or sports for summer camp (which he is running – so amped to hang with him!) then he really is a deep thinker and you can see the quality of his realness.
so that’s why i like Roy (or rooi) – red spirited and highly contagious – and a definite leader in the future. And very privileged right now to get to call him my friend…
Irresistibly Fish 