Parents of Facebook: Save some for yourselves [part II]

the other day i posted this status on Facebook which i tried to clarify a little better in Part I of this post:

Parents of young children… while i LOVE reading so many of the funny moments and epic statements your children have and make, i do think there is huge value in savouring some of those just for yourselves as a family… i just worry that moments that should be precious memories for you as a family are being broadcast to the world and to many people who won’t hold them as lovingly as you will.

my friend Lisa Scandrette later sent me a link to a post by a mother of grown children who had some th0ughts to parents sharing photos in particular of their children on facebook which was titled, ‘A Letter to Mommy Bloggers from a Blogger with Grown Kids’ which was a different side to what i was trying to say, but also a very worthwhile blog to read.

my status was met with a whole array of comments from different people who i think read the comment differently and responded to it in different ways… while i didn’t think all of it was helpful or accurate, and while part I was more of a response to those, i thought it might be interesting and helpful to see how people responded…

and, as always, i would love to have your thoughts in the comments section below:

• Sean du Toit Was that a hint?
   
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  Brett Fish Anderson no, not at all, i realise that this could be read as an ‘i’m sick of seeing these things’ but i am thinking more from the point of the children in particular and the parents and families as well – maybe some of this comes from being in 1000 sermon analogies as a child? and the danger of instagramming the life you actually aren’t living cos you’re so busy instagramming it – heard a story yesterday of something some child did that was a hugely significant moment in the family’s life and just felt the whole moment got bastardized a little by being thrown on social networks instead of just simply enjoyed and celebrated as a family…
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  Brett Fish Anderson i do love reading the stories as i have some friends whose kids say hilarious things but i feel like something is being lost in the share…

   
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  Brett Fish Anderson sacrificed i mean

   
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  Brett Fish Anderson anyone else feeling similiar on this one?

   
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  Brad Kurth My perspective is different from Brett’s, but we land up in the same place. I’d like parents to keep that type of thing off my news feed because I simply don’t give a crap about the quality/consitency/frequency/colour of your childs bowel movements.

   
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  Brad Kurth Apostrophe.

   
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  Richard Sumner I find that people post pictures of their children that, lets just say, if they found their way into the wrong hands it could be a problem.. All of this with no or few security settings. Wendy and I have decided that when we have children, we will create a page for the child with high security settings. Then we will invite people who we know and who would like to know about little snookie-wookie’s bowel movements (as mentioned by Brad), to join the page. The rest of our friends can have a fairly kid-free news feed from us. I think this will be better. Also, if we ever change our profile pic to a picture of our kid (without us), please smack us! As for sharing too much, yes, I think you’re right.. I think that people get so excited by what their little bundle of joy is doing, that they want to tell everyone.
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  Kristianna J. Thorson-Sharma As a parent of a young child I am tired of people (especially non-parents) telling me how I should raise my child. We get enough judgement already, in my opinion. While yes, some parents post every little detail of their child’s day, which maybe be boring to many, I still think it should be up each person to decide what they put into a news feed. There certainly are plenty on non-child related things that get posted that also fall into the category of questionable/boring news feed info. I just don’t think it’s my place to judge what someone else deems important enough to share. I am not them and I don’t know their reasons. We don’t all use Facebook in the same way after-all.
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  Brett Fish Anderson i imagine that must be really frustrating Kristianna and i am certainly not trying to tell anyone what to do, but i do feel it happens a lot sometimes because people have not necessarily thought it through completely – as with anything, if it doesn’t apply then ignore and carry on, but i was just hoping to possibly make some of the serial posters stop and consider what they might be giving up in return for what they are giving… i love the idea of families being able to have some intimate moments that might be super shareworthy and loved by all but going, ‘ooh this one we’re keeping just for us! sorry world’ – not all the time because i really do like reading them but every now and then.
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  Brad Kurth Kristianna, since you should be raising your child to function in broader society, surely the critique of the society has a bearing on how you conduct yourself as a parent. You may be sick of it, but the rest of society may be placing pressure on parents like you to do better?

   
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  Richard Sumner I find seeing other people’s baby pictures a bit upsetting as we don’t have children yet, but we would like them. That is not the people’s fault though, they are merely showing what is going on in their lives.. It also hurts when people tell me that I shouldn’t have an opinion about children because I don’t have any (yet), I hope I never do that to anyone else.

   
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  Richard Sumner Don’t get me wrong, I know that my opinion will probably change when I have kids. What about all of the advice given to me from my parents? What about the time we stayed with friends who had a baby (while we were there) and we watched them with a new born? What about watching our current friends and their babies? Is all of that advice useless because we don’t actually have kids? Scientists tell us about dinosaurs and we believe them, but I bet none of them have dinosaurs.. I agree that my views may change, and I agree that some parents may know best with their own children, but to write of all of my advice because I don’t have kids is a bit short-sighted. Let me leave this with you.. I saw a father with his young (about 4 years old) son (in the shops). The son was moaning a bit (nothing unusual I guess), so the father said, “Shut up you little ****!” Now I may not be a parent but I think that that is disgusting and wrong.. If he is the dad and I am not, does that make him right and me wrong? If parents don’t take my advice, that is up to them, but I don’t see why I should have any just because I don’t have kids. Especially when most parents haven’t got a clue..
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  Candice Fourie I was totally interested to see where this went and I’m trying really hard to be objective here because as it stands, I’m a mom of two and believe me, they’re my biggest blessing and of course, I’ve got to curb what i put on Facebook.

  Kristianna, I must admit, I think what you said is true.

  Brettster, I get your point and it’s super apt and true. I think it’s personal though and every parent chooses as to how much they want to blast online about their kids and you’re totally right about some family moments being family moments only, it is their choice in the end I guess.

  Richard, I was in the same boat as you. I had so many opinions about children before I had my own. (So much so, I even wrote a blog about it!!) Believe me, it’s a totally different story when you’re walking the road with your own little mini-me. Don’t take it as a criticism. It’s just really hard to have an opinion on something that you haven’t experienced or walked through ~ same as with anything. And I’m saying that as someone who had all answers for every parenting issue WAAAYYY before I had my own and when I brought my first born home, I was completely humbled and basically, slapped in the face as to how much I actually didn’t know. All a parent is saying when they say you shouldn’t have an opinion is that you haven’t walked even an hour in their shoes and you can’t possibly understand what it’s like to be them. True story ~ and I’ve had to say sorry to people about having opinions and advice about something I actually knew nothing about, until I stepped into my Mommy shoes.
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  Brett Fish Anderson thanxk Candice Fourie [who incidentally is one of my two top children story sharers cos she has some classics] – this status was particularly created for those [not you] who don’t necessarily think all the time about the ramifications of what they share in terms of both what goes out and what stays in… but i would also say a yes/no on the commenting on stuff you haven’t experienced thing – i think as someone who is not a parent i may not fully understand what it’s like to have kids at all [but i can have some shallower level of understanding for sure – an idea more than understanding] so agree from that side, BUT as someone who has worked with children and youth pretty much my whole life i think i have learnt some stuff about both as well [and in some cases not being a parent has been an advantage in terms of understanding as you see things from a different perspective] so definitely feel that i can completely have an opinion that has a huge degree of validity in terms of how children are raised [having been one, having witnessed it, having worked with them and having studied teaching all playing some role in authenticity] and that i should not lose my voice completely simply because i have not been there. i feel like i might have some valid ideas on heroin usage and the benefits thereof and that i didn’t need to take any at any time to arrive at those…

   
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  Brett Fish Anderson also i have witnessed a mom sharing a story of a teenager that is birthed in the mom’s pride of her teenager [s totally good motivation and intent] but the story being shared on facebook by a teenager’s mom is not necessarily the coolest thing possible and so what was meant with absolutely great intentions may have at the same time from a very different perspective become something that was unhelpful and in some cases damaging…
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  Brett Fish Anderson i do think this is an important conversation though – i don’t agree with what everyone has said but i do appreciate the manner in which it has been shared and that no one has started calling me names yet… carry on… would love to hear more parents perspectives, especially perhaps of children closer to the teenage age – has your sharing changed to accommodate that at all?

   
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  Candice Fourie I’m gonna step out of this because I fear I might get my Mommy voice on. Being a mom and how much a part of me that is, is hard to separate and be objective sometimes so I’m gonna bow out here. Totally great idea though to see how parents of teenagers are dealing with this though. I’m following this one!  Loads of high fives for you, the Brettster!

   
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  Colin Brown We had our first young ‘un three weeks ago. I’m too bloomin’ knackered to share much on facebook!

   
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  Sheralyn Joy Cloete oh my word you never know how many opinions people have until you have kids..Literally everyone! !!! alll day!! everyday you get peoples opinions!!!! there are people I now completely avoid because I know there will be some unwanted comment insinuating I suck at parenting.

   
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  Dave Gale We’ve had interesting chats sbout this with our teens. I tend to share quite a bit on FB, Barbara more so of late but not as much as me. Our kids value their privacy and we’ve had to find what works for each of them. For one of them, we have agreed to allow them vet any pic that is posted of them and to share only the more public stuff. The other is more relaxed about it but prefers sharing to be non-personal info. They are both IM users with large groups of friends – Whatsapp, BBM in daily use, but FB and more “public” fora not so much. 

  I love keeping up with news of friends kids and sharing joyful moments, but there are some folk I think could tone down the sharing a bit. 

  It’s worth a discussion with your kids and if they are too young for that, err on the side of caution – they’ll appreciate it later.

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  Leanne Kay Meihuizen Oo… So many thoughts here! Keeping some things just for the family for the reasons you suggest Brett is worth some consideration. I think sometimes I post so much about my baby because having one is quite an all consuming experience for me and consequently I miss sharing my life with old friends and resort to Facebook to fill that gap. For the same reason I enjoy seeing other parents posts… They add some context to my life. I think non parents can definitely provide a refreshing perspective. Those who engage well with empathy can do a fair job of putting themselves in someone else’s shoes, parent or not. The reverse obviously applies too. In general though, parents are constantly worried that they are doing a terrible job and there are no promotions or raises in this line of work to tell you you’re doing ok so that’s worth bearing in mind when offering advice to a parent. Encouragement goes down way better. And advice from someone who doles out lots of encouragement is easier to digest. Sorry to hear about your struggle Richard.
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  Sheralyn Joy Cloete so my earlier reply was mainly to follow up comments. but for the original status: We all have a strong desire to live in community. Unfortunately the way things are in society at the moment parenting can be extremely isolating and lonely. And so people share on facebook to break that sense of I am alone in this. ..

   
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  Colin Brown I like what Leanne says.

   

  
• Richard Sumner Thanks Leanne Kay Meihuizen, we will fall pregnant, it is just a matter of time.. It is just difficult to want kids but struggle to have them and then have someone tell you that your opinion is useless because you don’t have them. Thanks for your post, I agree.. I never intended to point fingers at any parents so I’m sorry if I upset you, I’m sure you guys are excellent parents!

   
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  Dave Gale All of us parents should have “L” plates on our backs… no matter how many and what age our kids are at, we can learn something from another. One of those anothers in my life has never had kids of his own, but has turned into a great stepdad, another another has yet to decide to try… It is by grace if kids survive unscathed our sometimes clumsy attempts to prepare them for adult life.

   
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  Brett Fish Anderson loved your stuff Dave, and other people, i feel like you got what my original point intended – feel like this should all become a collaborative blog post cos so many people have said helpful stuff on different aspects of parenting – life too crazy to pull it together today but maybe if i get inspired… thank you everyone, especially for playing nice!

   
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  Debbie Hutton Yikes! Is it me??!!

   
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  Katia Beattie Spare a thought for those of us who have chunks of our family and friends overseas – Facebook is the simple way to share moments with them with relative ease! You can just scroll right past those moments if it’s not something that interests you!!
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  Brett Fish Anderson Debbie Hutton not at all

   
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  Brett Fish Anderson Katia Beattie the “if it’s not something that interests you” part of your comment makes me think you are not understanding the point i was trying to make – this is not ‘i don’t want to see things about peoples’ kids’ at all which some are reacting against, this is ‘keep something precious and special’ and if your kids are teenagers or close to then what Dave Gale commented into…

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    Lara Harler Lahr i dont have time for reading all these comments but booooo…i love writing my kids comments and you always seem to enjoy them too! lol

     
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    Zenaida Martin lol Lara Harler Lahr

  Zenaida Martin What i took away from what you are saying is not that parents should stop posting funny quotes or special family memories they have with their kids ALTOGETHER but more that they reflect on their motivation for wanting to share and remember that it’s ok to keep some moments private and sacred….I agree and have recently read this elsewhere as well…HOWEVER…I am one to post lots of pictures and funny things Chi says…it is a challenge to pick and choose what to say and what not to….I definitely find that as proud Mami and as proud parents, we often want to share why we think our kid is hilarious and awesome….motivation is important. Trying to keep this in mind…

  • 

    Brett Fish Anderson thankx Z, you’re a lot closer to getting what i was trying to say than most – i am not so much challenging motivation for sharing [which is stronger criticism on the parents which i am not doing] but encouraging the keeping of some memories private and sacred like you said… i get super excited when you share things about Chi and just getting to see him as we obviously don’t get to do that live any more so not wanting you to stop that at all, in fact i think the word ‘sacred’ pretty much nails my point so thanks for that – while we want to see and enjoy seeing great moments from your family and your son i feel it is great and special and good for you and Nate or even maybe your extended family to have some that are just yours… intimacy would be another word i would use – and then when it comes to teenagers who are maybe on facebook then as a parent i think you have a different responsibility which Dave Gale pretty much nailed above… taking their feelings into consideration.

    Dalene Reyburn Hey, see your point Brett ; I’m all for balance – protect their dignity and what Murray and I call “home talk” but also celebrate the wonder and hilarity of the journey – keeps us sane as parents  x

    And with that, i think Dalene has nailed it on the head and so i will end of here with a reminder of Dave’s statement which i think also is not a bad one to hold to or be informed by:

    Dave Gale: It’s worth a discussion with your kids and if they are too young for that, err on the side of caution – they’ll appreciate it later.

    What are your thoughts on Facebook sharing as an adult or a children? Too little vs too much? All bets are off? Love to hear what you have to say…

How to raise your children as world changers: Meet Dalene Reyburn, Cameron and Scott

A letter: Of congenital defects and world change

Dear Cameron and Scott

I’m writing this letter because Brett asked me for a post on one thing I want to teach you boys that might change the world. And because I had a conversation this week about being fearfully and wonderfully made. And I think the two might be related.

So this friend and I, we said sure, God says we’re fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). But what if we’re not? What if it’s very fearful and not at all wonderful to be born with Down syndrome or no limbs or epilepsy or cataracts?

Here’s the thing

‘When Adam sinned, sin entered the world. Adam’s sin brought death, so death spread to everyone, for everyone sinned.’ (Romans 5:12) Creation fell (Genesis 3, Romans 8) and took with it every kind of intended normal and perfect. Which means that everyone has congenital defects. Everyone is born physically flawed. Sometimes the imperfections just take a while to show up – like cellulite or rheumatoid arthritis or wrinkles or infertility or cancer or untameable hair or tennis elbow or forgetting your wife’s birthday. To varying degrees, at some point, every human being’s physical faculties will let them down. Even if the first time that happens is at death. Babies born with obvious or sensational deformities or deficiencies just highlight this reality. Our humanness – our brokenness – becomes a palpable given rather than an unspoken, unconsciously accepted and largely ignored element of c’est la vie.

And yet still, God – perfect in love, wisdom and power – calls each of us fearfully and wonderfully made.

Cam, God saw the cataracts form on the lenses of your eyes in the obscurity of my womb during a normal happily nauseous pregnancy. (Whether he formed them – or allowed them to form – for me that’s one and the same, but that’s also for another blog post – or book.) They didn’t take him by surprise. It’s true of you as it’s true of every throbbing life he ignites in the darkness, ‘You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvellous – how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.’ (Psalm 139:13-16)

My boys, the miracle of conception, of matchless fingerprints, of genetic traces in your temperaments, of wholly unique personal journeys – all these and so many more marvels of your creation are the yes-yes-yes to how wonderfully you’ve been made. For sure, all creation suffers under – and perpetuates – the wave of sin that rolls on unstoppable from generation to generation. But even so we are image-bearers of the Creator and still the creation is shot through with his glory. We thirst for redemption, for holiness, and trapped in wrecked bodies we long for eternity and all things made new.

And this is where the world change bit comes in.

It took giving birth to two little boys – unthinkably adored and wholly in need of a Saviour – to get me to wear the bifocals of eternal perspective and earthly urgency. Because all this – the physical and the temporal – will pass away and I need to focus the lens of my heart on what is to come so that I can be more effective in what is. People gripe about Christians being ‘so heavenly minded they’re of no earthly good.’ That’s junk. If your mind is really set on eternity you’ll be a force for seismic change in the here and now. Your priorities will shift and you’ll be free of negligible concerns that might otherwise have consumed you. You’ll also be moved to speak hope in a world of broken bodies and shattered souls.

And because you are fearfully and wonderfully made, God will use each of you in distinctive, remarkable ways, according to your gifts and passions and opportunities, to plough Kingdom ground, and to change the world.

The fearfully-and-wonderfully-made psalm ends with this:

‘Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.’  (Psalm 139:23-24)

So, to be a world changer? Embrace how God has inimitably moulded you – your gifts, your physical, emotional and intellectual quirks, and your obvious shortcomings. Bow low before him. Surrender your spiritual deficiencies to the scrutiny of the Spirit and as he convicts and forgives and restores, your lives will be different. And so will the world.

All my love to you always,

Mom

Xx

Twitter: @deereyburn

Blogs: http://growyounginside.com/  and  http://reyburnboys.blogspot.com/

[For another inspiring story on raising your child as a World Changer, meet Ro, Ad and Aaléyah]

How to raise your children as world changers: Meet Bruce and Gemma, Emily, Mikaela

Their voices matter. 

I have 3 daughters. All beautiful. All unique.

All noisy.

There are many donkeys missing hind legs because of their incessant talking. It’s the easiest thing to tune this out. Their voices can so easily become white noise, punctuated by my “ums” and “aahs”, tricking them into believing that I’m actually listening.

That’s not how it works, though. Kids have built in “parents-are-ignoring-me” sensors. Either they’ll shout louder in order to be heard or, sadly, they’ll walk away, learning time after time that they have no voice and their opinions don’t matter. 

That’s why my wife, Yolanda, and I have decided to be intentional about listening. We make time in our manic existence (that’s usually around a meal or in the lull before bed time) to actively listen to our girls.

What does that have to do with being a world changer?

Here’s my take on it:

When we listen to our children and ask pertinent, probing questions, we will begin to hear what is being shaped in their heart. Their life’s purpose will begin to become audible. As we listen, we earn the right to speak. We receive an invitation to be part of that heart shaping. We have an amazing opportunity to help them understand their kingdom purpose. And, if they understand that, they will change the world.

I have no idea how my girls will change the world but I do know that they already are. I can hear it as they speak of the joys and pains of every day. I hear it as they empathise. I hear it as they pray with mountain-sized faith. I hear it in their tear-filled sobs and in the things that break their hearts.

My girls must know that they have a voice. I desire with all my heart that they understand that that voice has a kingdom purpose. I desire that that voice (their voices) will change this world.

[Bruce Collins is a close friend of mine and he loves Jesus, his wife Yolanda and three girls, coffee and then other stuff. He has a blog he seldom posts on, but when he does it is usually transforming and life provoking stuff which you can check out here]

[For more creative parenting ideas, take a look at this post by my United Kingdom cousin David Fee]

a letter, from Magda Pecsenye, to her sons about stopping rape.

‘Dear Boys,

Some really horrible things happened to someone who could be one of your friends, and it was done by some people who could be your friends. You’re 11 and almost-8 now, so the incident that made me write this letter isn’t something you’ve heard about, but this stuff keeps happening, unfortunately. So I need to talk to you about it…’

with that attention-grabbing opening paragraph, Magda Pecsenye, who is the writer for the blog askmoxie.org addresses a topic that is close to my heart, with one of the most profound parenting pieces i think i have ever read. my friend who sent me the link, gave it the tagline, ‘This is so great. I wanna be a parent like THIS.’

you really should simply go to her website and read the letter in full – i messaged her and asked if i could reproduce it and she gave me permission to pull quotes from it and scribe a piece, but really you are not going to be able to get the full effect unless you head on over to her site and just read the whole thing.

Magda is clearly someone who has been open and honest with her boys from a young age [which, even as a non parent, i think is completely the way to go – my official ‘introduction to sex’ was the ‘what every boy should know about sex’ book that was left on my bed by my parents when i turned 21 if i recall correctly]. But by encouraging open talk and discussing things such as boundaries and appropriate behaviour and acknowledging when someone is saying “No!” and being okay with presenting your own “No!” in circumstances you are not feeling comfortable with, it feels like she has laid an excellent foundation for the message that follows.

she moves effortlessly from her explanation of the sex talks that have happened as her little guys have started growing towards the age of being young men [they are 8 and 11 now] to a space of really describing beautifully where the place of sex is:

‘If you’re ever in a situation in which someone is asking you for it and you don’t want to have sex with that person, don’t do it. And if you’re ever in a situation in which you want to have sex but the other person doesn’t ask you for it, don’t do it. It’s only good if you both want it, and can tell each other you want it, and are sure you both want it. Otherwise someone’s going to get hurt. And romance is weird enough without hurting other people when you can stop yourself (and you can always stop yourself–that goes along with having opposable thumbs).’

she then closes off with some words of wisdom for her two young boys because “Not everyone you know has been taught all the stuff we’ve talked about.” and ends with some instruction of how they should behave if they are in a situation where someone is hurting a girl in some way and you can check out the full list on her blog here but i wanted to highlight the second of them:

2. If it’s not safe for you to say something, leave the room quietly and calmly and call me. I do not care if you’re someplace you’re not supposed to be, or not the place you told me you were, or in Canada or someplace that would normally get you in a lot of trouble. You get immunity if you’re calling for help. My phone is always on, and it does not matter what time of day or night it is. If I don’t pick up right away, call your dad, and the same immunity rules apply. Call one of us and give us the address of where you are and we will come help. Then hang up and call 911. Tell them the address and that there’s an assault going on. They might want you to stay on the line with them until the police get there.

the bit about immunity is priceless. this is a parent who loves her kids and is training them in the way they should go [i’m sure i heard that somewhere before] and she ends off this amazing epistle by reminding them of that ad of her belief that they are really going to ‘get’ this:

We’ve been practicing to step in and help someone else. You can do it. I have faith in you.

Love,

Mom

amazing, incredible, life-changing and who knows, person-saving?

but this has just been a taste – give yourself an extra few minutes and read the whole post here and see what else this lady has to say…

Taboo Topics: Infertility [Intro]

this is the third in my series of Taboo Topics that I am tackling and the topic this time around is INFERTILITY

the idea of Taboo Topics is to take a topic that is very real [and often raw and painful, perhaps embarrassing or just difficult to speak about] but which no one, for various reasons, is speaking a lot about and to invite people who have had experience in that area to share their stories and perhaps offer some encouragement or advice to others who have experienced or are currently dealing with the same thing.

a lot of people suffer or struggle in silence and because no-one is speaking/writing about these things it can feel like you are along in it and are the only one and that no-one else can even begin to understand or appreciate what you are going through. and while each situation is different i think that often someone who has gone through the same type of situation is a lot more able to speak life, truth and encouragement or else able to simply cry/scream/wail in a language you completely understand.

so these are real stories of real people and for the most part people who have been brave enough to share their names and contact details [or are largely open to you being linked to them via me]

for people desperately wanting to start a family, the topic of INFERTILITY can be a huge and difficult one – some of the people who shared stories in the ADOPTION topic spoke about this already, and here are some other stories of brave people who have decided to speak up in the hope that their struggles, frustrations, questions, pain and hope can speak into the lives of others.

i really hope this blog series will be a light at the end of that dark tunnel for a lot of you. if you know of someone who you think will benefit from hearing the stories that follow, please feel free to cut and paste/tweet/share/link/email, whatever it takes to let them know that these stories are here.

you are not alone. there is a light. and there are many people who have walked this road and are walking it and will offer you support where you are on it.

to read some helpful words from Steve Wiens who really seems to get it, click here

to read Wendy and Richard’s story, click here

to read Bettina’s story, click here

to read Melanie and Willem’s story, click here