Dangerous Things You Can Least Expect: Wedding Titles

Well it has been a long time coming but Brad Fish is back and with him a brand new Dangerous Things You Can Least Expect video, this time dishing out his wisdom and warnings of the kind of titles we give to people at weddings which can set us up for a whole lot of danger if we are not careful.

 

 

If you’re wondering who Brad Fish is, he is an alter ego [yes, there’s more, just check out Brett Andy if you’re not convinced] of Brett Fish Anderson who saves him from being killed from boredom or ridiculousness from time to time…

[For Brett Andy original one liners in the tradition of Jack Handey if Jack Handey had a cousin who wasn’t quite so good as him, click here]

[Take a look at more Brad Fish Warning videos over here]

[For the best Brad Fish video thus far on the need for more Sax and less Violins, click here]

The Great Brett Andy Survey – part V

So part IV of the Brett Andy survey garnished the most votes so far and the clear winners were these two:

[6] “THEY SAY YOU SHOULD GRAB LIFE BY THE BALLS, WHICH IS TRUE, BUT ALSO NEVER CONFUSE LIFE WITH ANOTHER MAN.” [Brett Andy]

[4] “WHAT IF LIFE GOES STRAIGHT TO GIVING YOU LEMONADE? I’M NOT SURE WE’VE BEEN SUFFICIENTLY PREPARED FOR THAT POSSIBILITY.” [BRETT ANDY]

which was a little sad for me cos this one was one of my early favourites but didn’t quite grab the crowd support this time round – “I STARTED A BUSINESS DESIGNING AND MANUFACTURING SHOES FOR CIRCUS CLOWNS USING THE LEAD FROM DISCARDED PENCILS. BUT I HAD TO STOP ONCE I WAS MADE AWARE OF THE HUGE CARBON FOOTPRINT I WAS CREATING.” [BRETT ANDY]

which brings us to the last and final round [until such a day as i come up with some new ones] and so please once more indicate by number which your top 1 to 3 selections are from the following list:

[1] ‘As I slowly moved my piece across the board, I quietly but firmly declared, “I think that’s checkmate!” Since then my gran refuses to do jigsaw puzzles with me any more.’ [Brett Andy]

[2] ‘As the noose tightened, it felt like my breath was being forced out of my lungs, and my whole life flashed instantly before me. Wait, not ‘noose’ I mean ‘necktie.” [Brett Andy]

[3] ‘I reckon I can forgive that evil scientist who injected me with that advanced memory serum, but I will never forget.’ [Brett Andy]

[4] ‘Do you know what makes me laugh? A taxidermist filling out tax forms in a taxi. Get yourself an accountant, man.’ [Brett Andy]

[5] ‘I did a search for Spiderman on the web the other day.’ [Brett Andy]

[6] ‘Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then, walk half a mile in their shirt, followed by another full mile in their pants. Walk two more miles in their underwear and then criticise them all you want. Oh and also, they’re naked.’ [Brett Andy]

[7] ‘”Pay a R10 fine or take a chance,” my girlfriend read aloud off the Monopoly card. “Okay,” I said, “Those jeans make you look fat.”‘ [Brett Andy]

[8] ‘I wish I had the balls to do that, I thought, as I enviously watched the juggler.’ [Brett Andy]

[9] ‘I wondered, ‘Is it white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?’, which was all fairly strange as I was looking at a giraffe at the time.’ [Brett Andy]

So there you have it… final individual round – what are your top three? Will you go for jigsaws, juggling or jeans? Leave your selection in the comments section below. And thankx for taking time to vote…

[If you missed out on previous rounds and want to go and add your votes to the rest, click here]

 

The Great Brett Andy Survey – part II

The clear winners of round I were:

[4] ‘I would imagine a horse drawn carriage would be a really ugly thing. For starters, it must be almost impossible to grip a pencil with hooves. Plus there is all that fine detail around the edges to consider.’ [Brett Andy]

[6] “I think the story of Hansel and Gretel teaches us that it’s okay to push old people into ovens. But only if they first tried to eat you.” [Brett Andy]

and

[5] “After watching the cricket for five days, I thought to myself, “I’ve got to get myself a more interesting bug!” [Brett Andy]

Which deep thoughts by Brett Andy will dominate in round II – I am looking for your top one to three and then which one do you think most deserves to be cut from the list? [Votes in the comments section below – thank you for your time]:

[1] ‘She barked twice, following it with a low gutteral growl, “Oh no!” I thought, “Timmy has fallen into the well.”‘ [Brett Andy]

[2] ‘Who would win if a T-Rex got into a fight with a man? Answer: The man. Did I mention it was an intellectual fight? [Brett Andy]

[3] ‘Sure, he had attracted all the rats of the city, but what now? thought the Pied Organist to himself.’ [Brett Andy]

[4] ‘I realised I’d been making a mountain out of a molehill. The mole family, in particular, was not amused.’ [Brett Andy]

[5] ‘If you ever want to show off a new shoelace-tying technique you’ve invented to your long-time girlfriend, I don’t think the best way to introduce it is by saying, “Hey, I’ve got something to show you,” and then going down on one knee.” [Brett Andy]

[6] ‘Pow. The Rice Crispy who left before the group went big.’ [Brett Andy]

[7] ‘I was walking down a dark alley the other day updating my Twitter account when I noticed that someone had just started following me.’ [Brett Andy]

[To continue on to round III and add your votes there, click here]

The Great Brett Andy Survey – part I

“Consider the Daffodil. And while you do I’ll be over there looking through your stuff!” [Jack Handey]

I’m no Jack Handey [thought Caw] but i really do enjoy me some good random misdirected word humour as only he can get as right as he often does in such classic Handey Deep Thoughts as:

“Before you criticise a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have his shoes.”

“One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. ‘Oh no,’ I said, ‘Disneyland burned down.’ “He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. ‘I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.”

“To me clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to a circus and a clown killed my dad.”

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

“Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.”

“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”

and of course: “Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the two words that make it up – “Mank” and “Kind”. What do these words mean? I’ts a mystery and that’s why so is mankind. 

Now I’m no Jack Handey but a few years ago I got into the habit of trying to come up with my own Jack Handeyesque type deep thorts and I naturally called them ‘Deep Thorts by Brett Andy’  so as not to be completely sued… I figured it’s time to revive some of the better ones and to try and get an idea of which you, the general public, feel really work and really don’t…

So, if you have a minute and a half to read the selection below and in the comments section, let me know which are your top one to three and which ones, if any, you would personally choose to strike from the list. If you’re feeling really magnanimous, you could invite a friend to do the same or share this post on your Facebooking wall or stick it in the Tweeterer, or you could be really cool and use your favourite one as a status and see if it gets any response:

[1] “I don’t think there can be anything sadder than watching a mime struggle at Charades. “That was your chance, man!” [Brett Andy]

[2] “I’ll bet Rock-Paper-Scissors was a lot less fun before scissors were invented… and paper.” [Brett Andy]

[3] “People who live in glass houses, shouldn’t!” [Brett Andy]

[4] ‘I would imagine a horse drawn carriage would be a really ugly thing. For starters, it must be almost impossible to grip a pencil with hooves. Plus there is all that fine detail around the edges to consider.’ [Brett Andy]

[5] “After watching the cricket for five days, I thought to myself, “I’ve got to get myself a more interesting bug!” [Brett Andy]

[6] “I think the story of Hansel and Gretel teaches us that it’s okay to push old people into ovens. But only if they first tried to eat you.” [Brett Andy]

[7] ‘Do you think if minutes were edible, they’d taste good enough that we’d want to go back for seconds?’ [Brett Andy]

Best and Worst? And worthy of a share or a copy or a link? Appreciate your time…

love Brett Andy

 [For round 2 and a further invitation to choose your favourites, click here, thought Caw]

the latest brett andy offerings to critique…

many of you already know the history, but for anyone who may not…

in the beginning there was Jack Handey and such winners as:

“It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.” [Jack Handey]

“Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.” [Jack Handey]

and so i set out to try my hand at handeyesque humour and brett andy’s were born… mostly not nearly as good, but every now and then i hit on something that works and you can see them all here if you have not… however, a year or so on and i am still trying to figure out how they work and could really use your help and so if you don’t mind taking a minute to read the next 15 and feeding back on any of them that made you smile, grin or even send some kind of liquid you were drinking straight through your nose… so leave a comment with maybe your top three or more if there were and thank you for your time… speaking of which…

“I HEARD ‘THYME HEALS ALL WOUNDS,’ BUT WHEN I RUBBED SOME OF IT INTO MY CUT LAST NIGHT IT JUST LEFT ME WITH THIS NASTY RASH.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“MR POTATO HEAD TOOK ONE LAST LOOK AT HIS REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR, BUT NOTHING COULD CHANGE THE TRUTH STARING BACK AT HIM. HIS HEAD WAS ALSO HIS BUTT.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“AS THE BLIND LADY ENTERED THE SEAFOOD RESTAURANT, SHE PONDERED THE IRONY.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN THE WOODS AND I, I TOOK THE ONE LESS INFESTED BY HIDDEN ROBOT NINJA ZOMBIE ATTACK DOGS. AND THAT HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“AS SPRING CONTINUED TO PROGRESS SOMEWHAT MEDIOCRELY, HUMPTY DUMPTY REMINISCED ABOUT THE GREAT FALL HE’D HAD JUST MONTHS AGO.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“I’VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT THE GNU FAMILY CELEBRATES ON JANUARY FIRST?”

[BRETT ANDY]

“AS THE CLOUDS STARTED TO GATHER, YOU COULD TELL BY THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES THAT THIS WAS GOING TO BE ONE SERIOUSLY INTENSE MEETING.”

[BRETT ANDY]

‘ “STOP THROWING THE BABY OUT WITH THE BATHWATER!”  HANK KNEW THAT HIS WIFE WAS RIGHT. THAT WAS THE THIRD BABY THEY’D LOST ALREADY THIS WEEK.’ 

[BRETT ANDY]

“AS THE UGLY DUCKLING CAUGHT SIGHT OF HIS REFLECTION IN THE POND, HE SMILED QUIETLY TO HIMSELF. NEVER AGAIN WOULD HE BE CALLED THAT. AND HE WAS RIGHT. FROM THAT DAY FORWARD IT WAS ‘THE UGLY SWAN’ ALL THE WAY.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“HIS FRIENDS WATCHED AS BILLY’S LIFELESS BODY SLUMPED TO THE GROUND, EACH OF THE THOUSAND BLOOD DROPLETS EVIDENCE OF A CORRESPONDING CACTUS SPIKE. AND THUS TREE-HUGGING WAS PROPOSED.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“NICE GIRL,” THOUGHT PRINCE CHARMING TO HIMSELF, AS THEY DANCED CHEEK TO CHECK, “ALTHOUGH KINDA SMELLS LIKE PUMPKIN!”

[BRETT ANDY]

THE BLEEDING STOPPED. FROM THEN ON, IT WAS SIMPLY “RUDOLPH.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“AS I FINISHED JOINING THE DOTS AND STOOD BACK TO ADMIRE MY HANDIWORK, I WONDERED IF MY COUSIN LAURA, PRESENTLY RECOVERING FROM THE MEASLES, WOULD APPRECIATE IT AS MUCH AS I DID WHEN SHE WOKE UP.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“AS TIM UNWRAPPED HIS LAST CHRISTMAS GIFT, HE SUDDENLY THOUGHT TO HIMSELF, “PERHAPS I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THAT TO THE PEOPLE I BOUGHT THEM FOR.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“THEY SAY YOU SHOULD GRAB LIFE BY THE BALLS, WHICH IS TRUE, BUT ALSO NEVER CONFUSE LIFE WITH ANOTHER MAN.”

[BRETT ANDY]

unseen Brett Andy IX to vote for…

So today i was on a semi long-distance trip and penned a couple of new brett andy’s – usually i try them out on facebook/twitter first before i see what people really like, but these have never been viewed before and so i would really appreciate it if you would take a minute to mention if any of them make you smile or laugh or silently chortle…

“As I finished sewing up the incision, there was a moment of panic as I thought I’d left the scalpel inside Mr Jenkins. Then a wave of relief swept over me as I remembered that I’m not a surgeon, I’m the janitor.” [Brett Andy]

“I dressed up as a skeleton for Halloween, but then ended up staying at home cos I had no body to go with me.” [Brett Andy]

“As the news came to me that I’d been given the death penalty, I thought to myself, “These new soccer rules are becoming a little extreme.” [Brett Andy]

“ “I’m Thor!” He shouted again. But no-one seemed to be paying much attention. Curse that wretched lisp!” [Brett Andy]

“I’ve always wondered if it is white with black stripes, or black with white stripes. Which was pretty strange because I was looking at a giraffe at the time.” [Brett Andy]

“ “Out, Out, damned spot!” cried Lady Macbeth. But still the mutt refused to budge.” [Brett Andy]

“ “2B or not 2B?” pondered Hamlet, as he contemplated his opening move in Battleships.” [Brett Andy]

“After watching the cricket for five days, I thought, “I’ve got to get me a more interesting bug.” [Brett Andy]

“My wife asked me to turn the kettle on, so I looked at it and said, “Hey baby. How you doin?” [Brett Andy]

“That’s the last time I play Blackjack with Mike Tyson.”

brett andy [vote for your favourite]

so one of my favourite funny people in life is a guy called Jack Handey who used to write one liners that were used on SNL such as:

‘I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.’ [Jack Handey]

or:

‘Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.’ [Jack Handey]

and:

‘I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He’d get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn’t have the right answers, mister, you’d be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn’t in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!’ [Jack Handey]

some random, some funny, some randomly funny, some just clever and i really dig most of them. So much so that i decided that it is time for me to reach deep within my misdirected randomised humour machine and see if there is anything lurking there that might make people smile or chuckle quietly to themself and hopefully even one day create a legitimate laughing out loud experience [milk or coke out the nose and i’ve reached the top!]

so i’ve started writing some brett [my first name] andy’s [shortened form of my last name, to avoid being sued] and i’m keen to have some feedback… please read thru the list of what i’ve got so far and if you hate them all that’s fine, but if there was one that, for you, contained the most humour and even possibly brought about the aforementioned smile or even chuckle, then please respond to the note with which one it was. So, basically, if any of these is funny, what would be your number one? [half of them are pretty horrible, but it’s early days – actually might be good to hear your best and your worst]

“They say ‘Too many cooks spoil the broth.’ I say, if broth is all you’re looking forward to, you’re pretty much in a heap of trouble already.” [brett andy]

“The art of hay-making must be quite a specified & delicate undertaking hence the urging to do it while sunlight prevails.” [brett andy]

Chuck Norris’ Texas Ranger drove a 1995 Dodge Ram for most of the series, why was he still called Walker? [brett andy]

“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Give a man a vegetarian and a fish and he won’t even be allowed to eat the fish.” [brett andy]

“I’ve never been a huge fan of water polo. I think it’s the cruelty to the horses that gets to me.” [brett andy]

‘Gandhi once said “an eye for an eye only ends up leaving the whole world blind,” but surely if it was only one eye each it would be more a case of extremely bad global depth perception?’ [brett andy]

“I don’t understand why they call them miners when most of them are over 18. Probly cos they can’t drink while underground.” [brett andy]

Why is it called an avocado pear if you only ever have one of them at a time? [brett andy]

Do you think there are many funny those-formerly-known-as-“bushmen” people? I keep hearing lots about these comic sans… [brett andy]

“If you ever want to show-off to your long-term girlfriend a new shoelace-tying technique you’ve invented, i don’t think the best way to introduce it is by saying, “Hey I’ve got something to show you” and then going down on one knee.” [brett andy]

“I’ll bet rock, paper, scissors was a lot less fun before scissors were invented. And paper.” [brett andy]

“Last nite i dreamt i ate a giant marshmallow and when i woke up my pillow was on the floor next to my bed. It probly got knocked off during the night i imagine.” [brett andy]

“I once read in a biology textbook that if you take your intestines and lay them across four tennis courts, you will die.” [brett andy]

and lastly a bonus one by my friend MJ affectionately known as a MJAndey [because his last name is Phillip] – ‘When life hands you lemons pretend they’re guavas and say ‘these guavas look a bit yellow. I’m going to leave them out to ripen’. Then put them on a table and slowly walk away.’

[to be mysteriously taken directly to the next page of brett andy’s simply click here]