brett andy [vote for your favourite]

so one of my favourite funny people in life is a guy called Jack Handey who used to write one liners that were used on SNL such as:

‘I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.’ [Jack Handey]

or:

‘Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.’ [Jack Handey]

and:

‘I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He’d get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn’t have the right answers, mister, you’d be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn’t in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!’ [Jack Handey]

some random, some funny, some randomly funny, some just clever and i really dig most of them. So much so that i decided that it is time for me to reach deep within my misdirected randomised humour machine and see if there is anything lurking there that might make people smile or chuckle quietly to themself and hopefully even one day create a legitimate laughing out loud experience [milk or coke out the nose and i’ve reached the top!]

so i’ve started writing some brett [my first name] andy’s [shortened form of my last name, to avoid being sued] and i’m keen to have some feedback… please read thru the list of what i’ve got so far and if you hate them all that’s fine, but if there was one that, for you, contained the most humour and even possibly brought about the aforementioned smile or even chuckle, then please respond to the note with which one it was. So, basically, if any of these is funny, what would be your number one? [half of them are pretty horrible, but it’s early days – actually might be good to hear your best and your worst]

“They say ‘Too many cooks spoil the broth.’ I say, if broth is all you’re looking forward to, you’re pretty much in a heap of trouble already.” [brett andy]

“The art of hay-making must be quite a specified & delicate undertaking hence the urging to do it while sunlight prevails.” [brett andy]

Chuck Norris’ Texas Ranger drove a 1995 Dodge Ram for most of the series, why was he still called Walker? [brett andy]

“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Give a man a vegetarian and a fish and he won’t even be allowed to eat the fish.” [brett andy]

“I’ve never been a huge fan of water polo. I think it’s the cruelty to the horses that gets to me.” [brett andy]

‘Gandhi once said “an eye for an eye only ends up leaving the whole world blind,” but surely if it was only one eye each it would be more a case of extremely bad global depth perception?’ [brett andy]

“I don’t understand why they call them miners when most of them are over 18. Probly cos they can’t drink while underground.” [brett andy]

Why is it called an avocado pear if you only ever have one of them at a time? [brett andy]

Do you think there are many funny those-formerly-known-as-“bushmen” people? I keep hearing lots about these comic sans… [brett andy]

“If you ever want to show-off to your long-term girlfriend a new shoelace-tying technique you’ve invented, i don’t think the best way to introduce it is by saying, “Hey I’ve got something to show you” and then going down on one knee.” [brett andy]

“I’ll bet rock, paper, scissors was a lot less fun before scissors were invented. And paper.” [brett andy]

“Last nite i dreamt i ate a giant marshmallow and when i woke up my pillow was on the floor next to my bed. It probly got knocked off during the night i imagine.” [brett andy]

“I once read in a biology textbook that if you take your intestines and lay them across four tennis courts, you will die.” [brett andy]

and lastly a bonus one by my friend MJ affectionately known as a MJAndey [because his last name is Phillip] – ‘When life hands you lemons pretend they’re guavas and say ‘these guavas look a bit yellow. I’m going to leave them out to ripen’. Then put them on a table and slowly walk away.’

[to be mysteriously taken directly to the next page of brett andy’s simply click here]

and now for a pill of chill

at a time when my blog has been getting hectically serious and argumentative, i think it’s time to toss in some humourousnessityalism:

Firstly some David Robertson:

“If you’re singing in a wedding, I don’t think it’s fair to make you stop just because the bride and groom don’t know who you are.”

“If I got to choose for one entire race to be completely wiped off the face of the earth, I would probably go with the hundred yard dash.”

“I don’t think anyone should ever get an “A” for effort. How about an “E” for effort. That’s all you get.”

“Some people think most UFO sightings are actually weather balloons, but I don’t believe in weather balloons.”

“My friend’s little sister arranged the thumb tacks on a cork board to form a smiley face. Some people told her it was cute, but I thought it was boring and unnecessary.”

and my favourite “I don’t think I could ever have respect for someone who calls pants “drawers”. They’re confusing pants with the place that you put pants.”

followed by a sprinkling of classique metaphor:

‘The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.’

‘Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.’

‘John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.’

‘He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.’

‘The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.’

and of course, ending off with a little Jack Handey:

“One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn’t know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.”

“I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn’t know how to show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the big white house. “THAT’S MISTER SWENSON,” they said. Oh, my mistake.”

“Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That’s called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.”

“When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can’t think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.”

“Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, “Aw, who cares?” And then I think, “Hey, what’s for supper?””

“Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.”

“I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!”

shtupidt people 101: part police…

so i read this article in the restaurant this morning while waiting for my buddy to arrive.

firstly it was set in miami

secondly the premise of it is completely hilarious slash disturbing as in this line: ‘burglars snorted remains of a man and two dogs in the mistaken belief that they had stolen illegal drugs’

thirdly, that’s not the best part

fourthly it goes on ‘once they realised their error the suspects discussed returning the remaining ashes, but threw them in a lake instead because they thought their fingerprints were on the containers’

and the clincher for me was this: ‘police divers were tring to recover the ashes’

like really? the way the article (Cape Times newspaper, 21 Jan for reference) is written – they were going to return the ashes then threw them (the ashes) into a lake and now police divers are trying to retrieve them. with what? underwater goggle microscopes and a pair of tweezers? in hindsight i guess what would make more sense is if the divers are swimming in the lake looking for the urn, but without that realisation the whole thing seems a lot more gary larsen or jack handey and qualifies for shtupidt people 101 – heeeeere’s your sign…

orange you glad i didn’t say “river trip” again

so we made it home from the ambassador’s youth orange trip yesterday… made it home? sounds like survival talk there? oh wait, it is… the trip for me included a near death experience – or one that felt like it anyway – for me and so i am really glad to be back, and with my the beautiful Val again…

all in all it was an incredible trip – a lot of effort needed at different times for different reasons but a great bunch of leaders, a crazy mad rad bunch of youths, and once again a winning combo of tour guides headed up by the irrepressible Ollie (if ‘irrepressible’ means brilliant leader, cool fun funky guy, and all round winner, which it probably doesn’t – who makes up these words anyway?)

it is impossible to suitably (some might say ‘aptly’ but not me, not this time, i’ve gone for ‘suitably’ – darn, wish i’d gone for ‘aptly’ now) give an accurate summing up of the whole trip cos so much happened, so many conversations, so many moments of humour and blondity and action and so much monty python, marco poloing and new business forming… so i’ll just have to mention some highlights, which are going to be more relevant to those who went than those who didn’t – you really did have to be there [where were you anyway?]

so, near death? nappy running [take off your life jacket and step thru the arm holes thus wearing it like a nappy – jump into river and swim swim swim against current – failed that bit a little – and then get into cocktail position which is feet first with arms and feet in air and let river take you] sjambok which is a level grade 2 rapid and the worst one we encounter on this trip – started off badly when i couldn’t swim far enuff across the river cos i suck as a swimmer and the current was really strong so probly cocktailed too early, but fortunately the current carried me towards the right place anyways – or unfortunately it seems – and the bit where you get sucked under into the whirlpool and then spat out quickly i got the first bit right of and then suddenly i am under the water swimming to the surface… and swimming to the surface… and panicky swimming to the surface… it’s like i see the long tunnel with the light at the end, but the whole tunnel is flooded… [got so bad that Laurie, one of the girls standing at the side of the river who weighs about my hand, at first thort it was Ali playing a joke and then when she realised it was me and how long i’d been under was about to jump in and ‘save me’ – fortunately it was at that point that] eventually the river spat me out and i got a breath and started trying to swim and just had water everywhere again and so tried cocktail and that worked and i started floating down the river and fortunately John-o and my boat buddy Chris made a man chain from the side and caught me and pulled me in cos i had no strength by then… may not have been as close as it felt, and i probly wasn’t under the water for the seventeen hours and thirteen minutes it felt like, but really did feel like a bit of a close call…

so probly not my funnest moment, but if i had to pick some highlights of the trip they would probably be:

* times around the fire challenging the youth with God stuff, choosing this day whom they will serve, Beth’s testimony/sharing, the morning devotion times to reflect and a lot of small group and one on one conversations, especially on the bus on the way home…

* finding out that Marco (who every time anyone said his name i would shout “Polo”) actually has “Paulo” as his second name (so we changed the response to “Paulo” and most of the group joined in)

* standing for about half an hour throwing rocks of increasing size at the spot next to Rosslee having her believe it was firstly fish and then James and then anyone else but the person a metre right behind her doing it and watching her jump surprised every time…

* gondola’eering – cos that never gets old…

* after a shaky start with Chris my boat buddy in terms of steering and power, absolutely owning all of the major rapids, including sjambok…

* business creating in the format of:

me: i’ve got a business
andrew: what business is it?
me: we send out people with metal detectors to african countries that used to be at war to remove mines from the fields
andrew: how’s business?
me: it’s picking up

my alltime favourite though is still:

me: i have a new business
andrew: what business is it?
me: we manufacture make-up that people use to beautify pieces of poo
andrew: how’s business?
me: it’s pretty crap

* video interviews with the finger and other forms of microphone

* the food, which was incredible, for food in a gourmet restaurant let alone stuff the guides had prepared on the side of a river over some coals – the gammon especially, wow, must have had seconds of that (fourteen times!) – definitely makes the trip a whole lot more comfortable

* juggling class and psycho golf (spin around ten times facing upwards holding on to a paddle then run and try and hit a bottle of water, or launch yourself over the edge if you are john) and all the water ball games (except maybe day one’s toe-crushing race against harry potter) and jack handeying and green stone popping and sharing my toothpaste with greg and josh on the last nite…

* oh, and winning… cos after a day of pulling peter and gavin for a while, and then lifting melch, and so being in last place straining against the water for most of the day, somehow boat buddy chris and i managed to find the front after lunch and managed to establish a slight lead and despite some gail force winds we managed to win the whole trip. cos we all know, it’s not a race. but it is.

just an incredible time of connecting with God, meeting new people, re-establishing relationship with old friends and braving the elements, oh and tunnels filled with not enough light and too much water – thanks to Andrew and Ambassadors for the opportunity and Ollie, Abel, Max, Matt and Griffin from Felix Unite for looking after us so well.

and it was all yello….orange…

jack handey random hilarity part fourth

I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you’ve never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It’s not love I’m describing. I’m thinking of a monorail.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for “better treatment”? I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can’t think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. “You don’t have to tell me,” I said. “I’m off the team, aren’t I?”
“Well,” said Coach, “you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you’re wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.”
It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold.
But that’s when I felt the handcuffs go on.

[To return to the first of four of these sharings of Deep Jack Handey musings, click here]

you don’t know jack (which can be handey i guess)

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?

It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?

Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It’s simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it.

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

If I had a mine shaft, I don’t think I would just abandon it. There’s got to be a better way.

[For one more last extra page of Deep Thoughts by the legendary Jack Handey, you just have to click]

you don’t know Jack – part chew

more great Jack Handeyisms:

I don’t pretend to have all the answers. I don’t pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?

I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He’d get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn’t have the right answers, mister, you’d be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn’t in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.

As the light changed from red to greeen to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

If I was being executed by injection, I’d clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I’d say, “Injection? I thought you said `inspection’.” They’d probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

[For even more different humourous Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, click here]