what’s the meta for?

one of my favourite random life statements that i made up years ago and that i unleash unwittingly [well, maybe a little wittingly] on the world every now and then is the one that goes, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it throw stones in glass houses.”

while it’s true that i made it up, i didn’t really give it a lot of thought until today, but if you give me a moment [and i know you will, see you did just there, don’t give up now or the curiosity will kill you as like a cat would] [is it a double simile if you stick both a “like” and an “as” in? wondered the boy] i will expound to you some of the deep truths of said statement:

# if you have lead a horse to water then the chances of it being inside of a glass house at the same time are pretty small, as what glass house manufacturer would have the time, energy or creativity left to create some kind of inside water feature to add to her [or his] already quite elaborate glass house construction?

# if we are talking regular sized horse here, then horses are quite big and doorways are generally doorway-sized and with the house being made of glass and all, you don’t want to mess too much with trying to squeeze an animal of that rotundity through and so we are going to have to add some kind of bigger door/smaller horse clause or understanding for this to work.

# assuming we get said smaller horse [but it can’t be a pony as that would change the saying and so we are probably looking at a Falabella or at most some form of the very aptly named Miniature Horse] into the house and near to the water source, we hit the main problem which is the picking up of and throwing of the stone – again one would have to question the general sanity of the house designer in terms of the scattered rocks montage she has going, but the biggest problem in this whole scenarion is the idea of a hoofed being being able to grasp a rock in any manner that would suggest throwing it would be the following plausible action.

in conclusion, for any rock-grabbing to have been possible at all, the horse would have to have grasped the rock with both front hooves [and be practically standing on its back two or else in a severely uncomfortably semi-crouched back feet spread position] and the likelihood is that the slipperiness of the rocks [due to being in or near water] and the awkwardness of the grab would make the possibility of getting any kind of forward thrust into throwing it virtually impossible.

and so while in extremely engineered circumstances it may be possible to lead a smallish horse to rock-surrounded pools of water within a carefully designed extra-large doored house, it is highly unlikely that there will be any throwing of a single stone, let alone ‘stones’ in said house.

which, all in all, probably gives the designer and creator of that particular house of glassness a huge sigh of much-deserved relief.

The Tenth round of Brett Andy voting… fire up those click fingers…

Back in the day there was a funny guy called Jack Handey who wrote deep thorts like:

‘One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn’t know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.’ [Jack Handey]

and:

‘One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I
think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive
over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.’ [Jack Handey]

or occasionally slightly darker ones like:

‘I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”‘

These made me smile. They made other people smile. Some people would laugh out loud. A lot. Occasionally someone would hurt themself. Which made me think, I want to hurt people too. But with laughter. And so I set out to try and come up with my own fish-flavoured deep thorts and they became known as Brett Andy’s because well, you know. They are still a work in progress but I have made ten lists of them know and I would love to know if any of the following cause any of the above reactions. If so please leave a comment and name the one or ones you liked:

“Cannibal Pete was struggling to get his car started so I offered him a hand, a decision I would quickly regret.” [Brett Andy]

“She barked twice, following it with a low two second gutteral growl. “Oh no,” I thought, “Timmy has fallen into the well!” [Brett Andy]

“I was disqualified from the hotdog eating competition for chewing on a lukewarm pekinese.” [Brett Andy]

“Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But sell a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day plus you’ll have some extra money.” [Brett Andy]

“Those who live in glass houses, shouldn’t.” [Brett Andy]

“The thing I find fascinating about elephants is their ability to shoot out a powerful stream of water for hours at a time. Wait, not elephants… fire hydrants!” [Brett Andy]

“Scissors are crushed. Paper is cut to shreds. Rock is lying there going, “Oh no, there’s a piece of paper on top of me, what shall I do?” [Brett Andy]

‘“Reddit” said Frog again as the librarian’s patience was starting to wear thin.’ [Brett Andy]

“I tried to call my fiance’. But her phone was engaged. That’s a case of unplanned irony right there my friend.” [Brett Andy]

“If life is like a box of chocolates then I wish I was born in Switzerland.” [Brett Andy]

“I tossed a fortune cookie into a wishing well and instantly created a black hole.” [Brett Andy]

“An item of clothing was in a race with some sports gear the other day. It was a tie.” [Brett Andy]

“I went drag racing the other day, but the heels made pushing the pedals really tricky.” [Brett Andy]

“I wonder if Scottish men at nudist beaches walk around wearing underpants?” [Brett Andy]