Friendship – Thoughts and Stories and Words and Things

One of the most important relationships one can have is friendship. Family is family but you get to choose your friends, and all that.

i have a crazy amount of good friends who i thoroughly appreciate and thought it necessary to have some posts looking at how we can make good friends as well as be good friends to those around us – i hope you enjoy:

Cheering Section: The Art of Mentoring – I believe there can be a huge overlap between mentorship and friendship and especially the principle of ‘Wounds from a Friend’

How To Lose a Friend in Ten Ways – Some irritating habits in friends that make friendship with them tricky.

I am Thanx-Filled for my friends – This Thanksgiving inspired piece that i wrote in the States, naming some of my friends and inviting you to do the same.

The Art of Holding a Friend’s Head Under the Water – you know, as one does. But actually the life-giving experience of getting to baptise a friend.

The Friend Test – Another What Kind Of Friend Are You question, but this one focusing on what happens if a good friend hurts you badly?

What Kind Of A Friend Are You, Anyway? This post pretty much asks that question, and gives some examples of possible answers.

Also there is always a clip or two of my funniest moments in the hit sitcom ‘Friends’ to keep you going:

Funniest Friends Clip ever – My favourite Friends clip

Funniester Friends Clip ever – Just kidding, it’s this one!

How to win the lottery [guaranteed!]

Last night, my wife Valerie [aka The Beautiful Val aka tbV] and i won the lottery.

Now let me get this straight, i am not talking about the Dutch Lottery that i seem to win with alarming regularity [despite having never sent in any kind of entry or bought any ticket of any kind, but if it arrives in my email it must be true, right?]

And i don’t mean that time that kind old Nigerian widow mailed me to let me know she had decided to share the millions, if not billions, her late husband had left her that she felt more comfortable storing in a South African stranger’s bank account, with me.

I am talking the real lottery.

Well, not the money one, obviously. Why would i be in any way excited about that?

THE SETTING

Last night about 20 of our friends and family gathered together in the lounge of the place we have been staying in, in Tokai, that we are needing to move out of in two weeks, to pray and listen with us as we tried to discern and hear from God anything with regards to where we would stay next.

Well, we know where we are staying next and my best mate Duncan was there to represent the Houstons who have opened their house to us on a number of occasions in the last three years so that we have a place to stay in between major transitions.

i wrote a piece a few months ago looking at how tbV and i want to live intentionally where we live, and this feels like an extension of that.

It is important to articulate that we don’t have a ‘The One’ kind of mindset, that God has a specific place set aside for us and we just need to figure out where that is and guess right and then BOOM! But at the same time, if we believe in a loving God [and maybe more of that in a later post], we believe that it is okay for us to ask for a specific place and see if God will give one to us.

The evening was incredible and went way beyond either of our expectations [and maybe more of that later as well in a different other post] which was largely due to the way in which our dear friend, Arthur Stewart, led our friends in a specific journey of prayer.

But for me, and i think both of us, we could have ended before we even began the meeting and it still would have been a Jackpot status event.

Not everyone we wanted to be there was available or could make it, but those who came, demonstrating love, willingness to give of their time and intent in terms of aligning their hearts and prayers and choosing to stand alongside us, absolutely moved us. We have some incredible people in our lives.

THAT is the Lottery win and it is worth so much more than any amount of money. And i’m not just saying that to sound noble or cheesy or emotional or anything [although i did spend most of the evening holding back the tears so i could just focus on what was being said and shared]. If you offered me ten million rand [or a billion] or that room filled with those people, i would choose those people every time. And i would not hesitate.

That is gold right there. The people who choose us, who champion us, who stick with us, who invest in us, who walk beside us, who lead us, who follow behind us, who feast with us and who mourn with us. Those who wrestle with ideas with us, who hold us accountable, who challenge us with love, who celebrate us and with us and invite us into their celebrations. Gold, gold, gold gold, gold. More than gold. There are no words which come close to expressing. You mean so much to us. Thank you.

And much more, but that’s enough for now. These walruses [walri?] appreciate you.

 

you will be known [by the love]

oh we Christians can be a hated bunch. and rightly so in way too many times and spaces [although almost always when we say or do things that aren’t particularly Christ-following in nature]

this week i was called a ‘reprobate’, told i have no spiritual teeth [i am not quite sure what that means but i think i was meant to be offended] , a ‘coward pastor’ and i think there was an insinuation that i am evil [when i said i was going to watch a movie with friends, the response that followed was ‘Even the evil love their friends and family.’ [and all this from someone who calls herself a ‘fellow believer’] all because i mentioned on facebook that i didn’t feel i had the authority to share effectively on the situation in Gaza because i am not up to speed on everything that is happening there.

³⁴ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵ By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” [John 13.34-35 New International Version]

this did not feel like that.

last nite, tbV and i attended a wedding of some friends of ours in Americaland… this is four days before we leave the country where we have been living and working in non-profits and return to South Africa… also about two months ago they weren’t even engaged… there was an engagement and then a sense of ‘You’re leaving when?’ and then a scurrying to make a wedding happen so that we could be there before we left for SA. i was invited to MC at the reception after the wedding and we just got to spend a fun and fondu-filled evening with church friends and especially be there for a significant life event for some friends we have gotten to know and love over here.

³⁴ A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. ³⁵ By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” [John 13.34-35 English Standard Version]

this felt a lot like that.

on the way home from the wedding, my beautiful wife Val told me a story of the way that some friends of ours really went above and beyond in terms of showing love to another friend of ours who was in a really bad place and feeling completely low. a welcome at the airport with some of her significant and favourite things and a week of just showering her with love and friendship and special attention. in a completely tired and shattered state, driving us home after the wedding and just so ready for bed, this story lifted my spirits immensely and gave me huge hope and was really not the hugest surprise knowing the people in question.

³⁴ A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; even as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

³⁵ By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. [John 13.34-35 American Standard Version]

arrive home from the party and discover an envelope that a friend and someone who had worked alongside me in the youth ministry had slipped into my hand at Friday’s farewell party that other friends of ours [that we hadn’t even spent crazy time with] had offered to throw for us – open it and read amazing and encouraging words in a card but also an immensely generous gift from someone who had spent so much of last year out of a job… catch a glimpse of the photo/message book that another friend of ours [again, someone who we hadn’t spent a lot of time with] put together for us to map out significant parts of our journey in Oakland and remind us of the people we loved and who loved us along the way… close my hand around the wad of cash my bossman gave me towards buying a new computer when we get home [before this one completely catches fire and burns up from overheating] and smile again at the pics of our visit to a place called ‘Bacon Bacon’ which could only be the best place to take me to celebrate the end of working for him…

^34-35 “Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other.” [The Message]

all of those things felt a lot like this.

don’t get me wrong. there are definitely times to call people out and to challenge people when they are not living up to the message they are proclaiming. Jesus had a field day with the Pharisees and the people in the temple and on many occasions even His own disciples. there is a time for harsh words and sometimes even harsh actions.

But the first 3 verses of 1 Corinthians 13, remind us of this important principle:

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Which is followed by this reminder of the kind of choice Love that often takes a little bit more effort, and personal cost, and perseverance, to achieve:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails.

If the person or the thing or the event, does not have love, then it is not of God.

The Love of God is the tattoo of the Christian. It is the mark by which we will be known and recognised.

It will hopefully do the job of helping attract other people towards God.

Who is the Source of all that is Love and Good and Right.

Thank you to all of those who have loved us well in the whole of life, but especially in these last few weeks and days… it has been muchly appreciated!

Taboo Topics: Race

i wasn’t originally thinking of this as a Taboo Topic topic.

but then when i started looking on the book of faces for people to write for me and had friends using terms like ‘can of worms’ and ‘Pandora’s Box’ to describe what i was suggesting, it made me wonder if that is not exactly where it needs to go.

is no one speaking about this?

having lived in Americaland for the last three years [in diverse and mixed culture neighborhoods, more so than ever back home i think] and been somewhat aware of some of the bigger questions of race over here in terms of issues such as mass incarceration, stand your ground, the Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman trial and more this feels like it is as relevant over here as it is back home.

being a white, heterosexual, able-bodied, right-handed, male i pretty much fit into every box of privilege possible [except perhaps for my dreads, they help me lose a little ground, thank you dreads] but we can’t deal with them all here so let’s start with white and we can move on from there.

i certainly did not start apartheid or have anything directly to do with enforcing it, but i certainly benefited from it [while also losing so much because of it in the greater scheme of things] and as much as i’d just like the idea of that to be over or dealt with or forgotten so that we can “just move on people”, i don’t believe that is the solution. all of us need to truly own our past so that together we can walk more strongly [and hopefully more united…ly?] into our collective future.

Identity and What makes me me – a collection of stories from a variety of people with a race-related theme to them.

Race in South Africa: Moving Towards a truly Rainbow Nation: Some thoughts on first steps for white people from some black people i have met.

What I would like my white friends to hear/know/consider – i asked some friends of mine who are not white to share with us some things they’d like us to hear

Some thoughts i [and others] had on White Privilege – Such an important part of the conversation and a difficult one for whites to seem to admit to or even realise.

Dear Bloggers of Undetermined Colour – Thoughts and reflections on some Heritage Day vs Braai Day posts…

Mixed Race and Culture connections – What happens when two worlds meet? Stories from mixed race/culture relationships…

I will not apologise for my white privilege – a compilation of some of the thoughts being expressed out of Princeton this week

The Wisdom of Others when it comes to conversations about Race – Three more helpful perspectives from the USA relating to different crucial aspects of this conversation.

Exploring White Privilege – some helpful outside perspective thoughts on South Africa from someone studying these things

Don’t strive to be Colourblind, work towards being Colour Brave – with reference to a TED talk by Mellody Hobson

The Power of Words – Sometimes the words or the questions we speak can have such a powerful effect.

The Truth hiding behind the Humour – comedian Hari Kodabolu shares some insights on race and particularly ‘the other’

Some thoughts from the Internet – on Post-Racial America and White Privilege

With White Power comes Great Fragility – Why is it that white people tend to freak out around the race conversation?

What kind of friend are you, anyway?

i don’t think we talk about Friendship enough.

in fact, i think too often, too many of us might take it for granted.

i don’t think i do. i am just so constantly made aware of how many incredible friends i have in and around my life – the term ‘best friend’ relates to at least 7 people i can think of straight away who are all ‘best friends’ in differing but equivalent ways.

and when i start listing quality friends, well i can just write a very long list without much thought at all.

those are the easy ones though – it is so easy to be friends with those people because what they bring to the party is immediately obvious and amazing and life-giving and so on. but then i read this comment about Eeyore the other day and it really struck me:

do i have any people like that in my life? do you?

and if not, is there someone who may be that person but we may not have invited them in to the group like Pooh and the gang above?

do our friends need to measure up to a certain level to earn the right and privilege of sticking around?

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

a second thing when it comes to friendship is that as much as i LOVE to have fun and be silly and crazy and ridiculous with my friends [you know who you are!] i also very much like to think deeply and wrestle with faith and life and God and money and stuff and things. fortunately i have good mates that i can do both with. and for the most part find both of those things in a lot of my good friends which is great.

and in amongst a vomitarium of kitch and cheesy friendship quote posters on the Uncle Google, i managed to locate this gem, which i really like…

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

the third thing i have mentioned a bunch of times, because i believe in it so strongly and i feel like these three pictures combinedly capture the essence of it:

 

 

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

What about you? What do you look for in a friend? In fact, if you think of your best friend, what is the one characteristic that stands out for you in terms of something you realy appreciate in them?

i would LOVE to hear some of those.

did Philip Seymour Hoffman get his boob cake?

i logged on to the internetweb late last nite after a busy day needing to write an article before i went to sleep and was greeted by the sad news of Philip Seymour Hoffman’s passing…

i did what i do any time i hear a famous person has died, which is type ‘Philip Seymour Hoffman dead scam’ into Uncle Google to check on the legitimacy of the news and sadly could tell pretty quickly that it was a true account. What made it even worse [and the same thing happened a week before Paul Walker’s death ironically] was that there had been a Philip Seymour Hoffman is dead scam earlier in the week. But all the major news outlets were now reporting that at age 46, the academy-award winning actor had been found dead, with a huge possibility of it being caused by drugs.

and i read a whole page worth of what other celebrities were tweetering and saying in response to his death, with so many of them calling him, ‘One of the finest actors of his generation’ and i started to wonder if he ever got to hear that live…

recently i shared this post about my 40th birthday party that just happened and how my wife secretly organised a boob cake for me [yes, that!] because it was something i had wanted to have at my funeral one day [can’t even remember how that idea started but probably from the perspective of creating awkwardness vibes from beyond the grave] and filled the celebration with other things i wanted to have at my funeral, made all the more better because i actually got to experience them.

the point being that so often we hear things at funerals that the dead people never got to hear while they were alive, and while we like to entertain the idea that they are peacefully stretched out on a fluffy white cloud listening to our every word, we don’t know that that is the case and it may well be that they get to hear nothing that we say once they have passed on.

Don’t wait until it is too late. Find and create opportunities to say your things to your people now. Philip Seymour Hoffman was 46 and I’m sure no one saw it coming.

Whether it is a handwritten letter [how special are those these days] or a card, an email or a conversation or whether it’s taking the lead of tbV and organising a celebration [does it even need to be for a birthday?] where you make space to speak life and appreciation and get to tell stories about your friend or family member while they can still appreciate them.

thanks to tbV and a whole bunch of my friends, about a week ago i got my boob cake and i got to hear stories and relive memories and be hugely encouraged by what people have seen and experienced with me and it was so life giving. who do you need to do this for? don’t wait too long…

Yes. A Boob cake.

40 is the new 39 plus 1

This just got serious. And a werebat.

Great friends, good times.

 

i don’t think Jesus would have had a boob cake

my wife, tbV, and i have a running gag where i tell her things i want at my funeral and she tells me to “write them down cos there’s so many and i won’t remember them all.”

most recently, it was the necessity of playing my two favourite music videos [and happiness-creating-machines – in my life anyways] the wildly popular Ylvis, ‘What does the fox say?” and the actor-filled satirical mess of Mumford’s ‘Hopeless Wanderer’ with Jason Bateman et al playing the band members in ridiculousness. [if you somehow have been away from planet earth in 2013 and missed either of those you can catch up over here and here]

and clearly somewhere along the line a boob cake [no, that’s not a typo, i am not talking about a cake honouring my stuffed dolphin, No_boob, okay that may have been a typo] got added to the mix, probably cos of my controversial tendencies and desire to make multiple people go ‘Um?’ at festive [or not so festive?] gatherings.

i have also always dreamed of being alive at my funeral – you know, one of those unexplained mysteries and somehow there was a misdiagnosis and the raccoon stampede didn’t completely finish me off as previously imagined, and the coffin is open and i get to hear what everyone says about me… [the enhanced version cos clearly people tend to say nicer-than-real things about people who have died so it’s always hard to tell] and then jump out at the end and go, ‘Wah, just kidding, I’m actually still alive, let’s all have some boob cake!’ 

funerals have always bummed me out by the nature of the fact that the person needing to hear all the stuff being said about them is dead.

and so, in the week when i turned 40, my amazing wife, knowing all these things, decided to skip the part where i die and give me a whole bunch of the things i have always wanted…

# She gathered together some of my favourite people on the planet [well those in Cape Town/Stellenbosch where we are at the moment of birthdayage].

# She created a space for them to share dodgy stories from my past [dodgy if you didn’t know and understand the context or apparently if you did] and also things they appreciated about me or saw in me [which was deeply moving and inside crying for sure].

# She managed to get three of my friends to do their own re-enactment of Mumford’s ‘Hopeless Wanderer’ slightly changing it to ‘Homeless Wanderer’ to make it a little more appropriate and somehow managed to get my best school buddy Duncan Houston in dreads with a pizza-box-made guitar for the most fun at a party since his dad gave us all an etymology lesson at Dunc’s 21st, complete with the banjo bit [my favourite part] and an ‘instrument’ smashing at the end.

# She also somehow managed to get my best college friend, who i used to call ‘Saint Mandy’ to her dismay, to make for me a boob cake. Like a cake, but with boobs on the top, made of cake. Ohmygosh. What a moment!

Best funeral ever!

i especially liked the bit where i didn’t have to be dead to be there… although i did try and slice my thumb off in the post-party cleanup while trying to wash a particularly hectic knife. Knife – 1, Brett’s Thumb – 0 [honourable mention to Brett’s thumbernail for stopping the hastily advancing blade]

so what an incredible evening and i will go so far as saying it was awesome because God was definitely in the centre of conversations and a great prayer time they did for me.

[and what an incredible wife, thankx lady, now we will have to zero that funeral list and start again]

which brings me back to the title of this blog: would Jesus have a boob cake? and my answer is absolutely not.

however, i don’t personally believe Jesus would have a Facebook account either [He may have, but watching His life through the gospels He tended to be more of a people person and often chose to interact with individuals over crowds and so i think if He was physically around today that He would more likely be found in coffee shops, mall benches, beachfronts and walking through the streets of the local African township.]

at the same time, i don’t think Jesus would not want me to be on Facebook [feels like it is suited to my particular gifting and i try to use it as a tool to connect and befriend and love and encourage and challenge]

also i don’t personally believe that Jesus would play field hockey, but think he is okay with me playing field hockey… although not when i lose my temper and start chirping people sarcastically or become a bad sport and start blaming the ref for a moment that occurred because of my bad fitness or lack of skills. i think He likes the way it brings me into contact and friendship with people who might be outside of the church, as long as i love them well and treat them with respect.

and so on… seeing a trend here? What Would Jesus Do? was perhaps not the most helpful marketing strategy for the church – but What Would Jesus Want Me To Do? [too long for a bracelet, i get it, how about a belt?] or even ‘How does Jesus want me to live?’ – well, lots more accuracy in that. And i feel like Colossians 3.17 and 23 give some good guidance for that:

17 And whatever you do,whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.

so no, Jesus would not have had a boob cake, i am pretty sure of that one… but i do think He would have been more than happy with the gathering that we had going last nite and so huge and special thankx to everyone who came and also everyone who helped make it happen. best birthday party ever. [so far]

Mumford and Fish

Mumford revisited

No_bob and No_bob of No_bob

Great friends, good times.

Birthday vibes

40 is the new 39 plus 1

Yes. A Boob cake.

This just got serious. And a werebat.

Love this lady. tbV