if you don’t have anything nice to say, start with ‘I have to be honest…’

of Dreadlocked hair

so the other day i was hanging in Durban with one of my best friends, Dreadlocked Mike [he has dreads, it’s not just a clever name!]

i took a wefie [selfie with more than one person?] of the two of us and stuck it onto the book of Faces [as one does]

within about ten minutes, someone who is one of those Facebook friends who is a Facebook friend but not really a friend friend [you know what i’m talking about] posted a comment on the picture that said, “Have to be honest i have never liked dreadlocks they always make a persons hair look dirty.”

i wasn’t sure why David had to be honest about that. in face i’m pretty sure he didn’t HAVE to be honest. but for some reason he chose to be.

some what-the-flip hilarity ensued as spouses and friends jumped in and formed an impromptu ‘be-nice-to-the-dreads campaign altho i think Mike’s “I wish you were near Dave, so I could give you lice” was probably the winner.

of Pregnant women

my friend Hannah from Durban [maybe insulting people is a Durban thing?] posted this as her status the other day that really made me angry:

Not sure why someone would think it’s ok to say to a preggie woman – ” your face is changing, you must be having a girl – she’s stealing your beauty”!!!!

what was worse than just the stupidity of that statement was that two or three other woman posted below it that they had had the same thing said to them when they were pregnant. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You’re having a baby and it’s making you face ugly… i wonder if that person HAD to be honest?

Other comments below hers included:

Or tell you that your bums getting big! Must be a girl!!!

When I was pregnant with Jordan I was standing in the queue at the shops to pay for groceries. The lady in front of me (who I have never seen before) turns around and says ” You must be having a girl because your face is all drawn and pale. You don’t look so good”. I was so shocked. I politely thanked her and said that I normally looked like that and I was having a boy. I actually did not know what to say next.

Oh dear i just had ladies at spar say that to me but i have BOY! I was speechless

of Fat

i’ve had people who i don’t know all that well meeting me at some random place or other and commenting on how fat i’m looking or tried the slightly friendlier ‘putting on weight line’ – they don’t always say it, but you can tell they’re thinking, ‘Just have to be honest’ and i’ve never really understood that.

now my buddy Reegs has on occasion told me i’m gaining a bit of weight and i totally welcome it from him – we have 15 plus years of relationship and he has earned the right to say that kind of thing and i actually appreciate it when he has because i can have a valued opinion, expressed in love, from someone i know and trust.

but you, random person, do not. not to me, not to my wife, not to anyone you really don’t know all that well.

and it doesn’t matter if you feel for some strange reason like you HAVE TO BE HONEST.

because i just might have to be honest back, “I think your ugly is kicking up a notch” or perhaps, “Oh dear, looks like your stupid is spreading.”

i don’t think i’d eve say any of those things [out loud] to anyone… but i really don’t understand why some people say some of the things they say to people, especially those they kinda half know or don’t really know at all… or maybe i do?

if you don’t have anything positive to say…

people panic. i’ve concluded that that is where this comes from.

faced with a person, having done the ‘how are you?’ ‘i’m fine’ [even though i’m really not but you weren’t actually interested when you posed the question so why should i tell you] dance, there is a silence and we all hate silences and someone needs to fill it and so, “um, babies make you ugly” 

stop it. it’s not necessary. take an extra five seconds before you speak. breathe in. think of something positive to say. or keep quiet. if your ‘I have to be honest’ is likely to make the other person feel bad then KEEP IT TO YOURSELF! You might feel you have to be honest, but there is really no need to be mean.

sometimes, i imagine it’s well-meaning [especially some of the pregnant stuff but if so, take a look at this helpful piece i stumbled upon on Facebook while writing this] but i think all it really takes is a moment or two of empathy, of pretending you are the receiving person and being all, “Wait, you just called me fat? That wasn’t fun” or something like that.

when you have deep-seated many-yeared relationship with people, then there might be a time when they invite that kind of sharp-edged honesty and that is when you should feel free to be able to say things [still absolutely smothered in love] like these…

How about you? Ever had anyone say anything to you about your weight, hair, pregnant state that seemed a little less than polite? 

Losing weight, while needing to find some. [a message to the wronged]

so i have been going to gym, with my good friend from across the street, Coe aka Cobra [aka creator of the most powerful beast in the world – the Snuck – it’s a snake, but it looks like a duck so you think it’s all cute and innocent and go to stroke it, but watch out, it’s a SNAKE!!!] [disclaimer: Coe has not actually created any Snucks as of yet so back of PETA, he has just visualised them, put down the placard and step slowly away from it] for close to two months now and we’ve been pretty good at going three to four times a week [which, with our crazy schedule is quite impressive and means on most days a 5am wake-up call, especially when i haven’t!]

and i don’t have access to a scale so i’m not sure how much good it has done – we go to Planet Fitness which is a No Judgement gym and so part of that is not having a scale [or wearing jeans while you work out apparently?] for some reason. i know Coe has lost weight cos he told me and i still feel as fat as when i started [not Fat Albert fat, but just more forward in the stomach department than i would optimally like to be] altho in a totally unrelated story none of my long pants fit without falling down all the time [my conspiracy theory is that my stomach stretched them out so that they are bigger than me as opposed to i lost any weight] so basically what i am trying to say is i should find a scale. but something is clearly happening and apparently the stomach holds on to fat the longest.

in other news, i am trying to gain weight, no wait, needing to gain weight… three different situations in my life at the moment call for me to be ‘the bigger man’ – two that directly relate to me and one that is within the community we live and move in and relates to friends of mine… and it strongly looks like if i don’t step up in any of those situations and say something, that no-one else will and they will simply be buried in the sand until such time as they get dragged out when the next thing happens…

to add to that, this is i feel the story of my life, a situation happening where someone has to intervene and a number of other people potentially being able to, but the reality of if i don’t do it, it really is unlikely to happen…

and kinda like going to the gym, i kinda know what i have/need to do, but i don’t really want to. and kinda like the gym it’s because i’m tired and it’s a mission and there will be some degree of feeling bad before any feeling good comes out of it. and kinda like the gym i feel like there is a certain cost i need to pay to go there…

but then an email sent in love from a friend kicks me in the butt and strongly-but-in-love reminds me that i have to go there… and then i read this passage which would be a lot more fun if it said “there remember that you’ve been a plonk and need to go sort it out,” but it doesn’t, instead it says:

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” [Matthew 5.23-24]

‘Your brother or sister has something against you’ can definitely be because you were a plonk. but it can also be that they were a plonk. either way, before you continue worshiping Me, says the Lord, go and sort out your crap.

‘If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.’ [Romans 12.18]

Words we like to ignore. Because it is far easier to walk away and give up on one friendship or relationship when we have so many others that require less work, effort, doscomfort, cost.

But, as with gym, this is meant to be a No Judgement zone.

and as with gym, you have made a commitment to something and if you don’t live that out, then you have wasted a lot of something.

and as with my scaleless gym it might take me a while to figure out exactly what difference is being made, and maybe none that i can see now [maybe none ever] but by doing the right thing and continuing to be the person to stand up and approach and seek peace and right relationship, i can be confident that some difference is happening.

as i read once and strongly believe, “Offence isn’t given, it’s taken.” and so if i am feeling offended or wronged or hard done by, by those around me, then i really need to start my journey at the mirror and then probably proceed to my knees or face, before standing up and being the bigger person and doing the right thing.

all of this has been well modelled by a man who did no harm to anyone and yet was betrayed and denied and spat upon and beaten and hung on a tree by the very people He came to Love and Teach and Heal and Raise from the dead and yet His response was not holding on to the offence caused and letting that become His identity, but rather the quite revolutionary opposite extreme:

‘Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”‘ [Luke 23.34a]

i guess if we say we’re following Jesus, then we should really… follow Jesus. yes?

[with special thankx to Gnomus Brooks, Saint Mandy, Rob and others for being the piercing light through the darkness i found myself in]

Brett Andy one liners VIII – which are your favourites?

so this list of new brett andy’s came out pretty quickly after the last one but mostly courtesy of two eight hour driving trips to the wild goose fest and back and i think as a whole this is a pretty decent collection, but which one or two stand out for you as the really funny ones [if any]?

“Pay a R10 fine or take a chance,” my girlfriend read aloud off the Monopoly card. “Okay,” I said, “Those jeans make you look fat.” [Brett Andy]

“My boxing opponent worked me into the corner of the ring and then wildly rained down blow upon blow, beating me into a bloody and disfigured mess. As I finally slumped to the canvas I had to smile though, because a ring doesn’t have a corner.” [Brett Andy]

“I fell in love with a magnet once, but looking back I’m really not sure what attracted me to it.” [Brett Andy]

“As the judge pronounced me guilty and the guard snapped the handcuffs on and led me away, I had to stifle a chuckle, because no-one had noticed the ‘Get out of jail free’ card I had concealed in my back pocket.” [Brett Andy]

“As I pitched my tent, I thought to myself, ‘This is one of the weirdest games of baseball I have ever played.'” [Brett Andy]

“I have a friend who dabbles in the magical arts. She has an identical sister and it’s hard to tell which witch is witch.” [Brett Andy]

“My mom was an avid brothmaker and any time I swore as a kid she would wash my mouth out with soup.” [Brett Andy]

“I reckon I can forgive that evil scientist who injected me with advanced memory serum, but I will NEVER forget!” [Brett Andy]

“I think it was lifting that baby cow onto the farm truck all by myself that caused me to strain my calf muscle.” [Brett Andy]

“I opened a jar of salad dressing the other day. A tomato screamed “Do you mind?” at me before slamming the lid closed.” [Brett Andy]

“My waitress asked me for a tip the other day. I told her to avoid Ben Affleck movies.” [Brett Andy]