disappointment/disappointed (a pome, by brettfish)

where are you now?

you, who promised you’d never leave and never forsake

you, who stood to your feet and declared

with both your body and mouth

that you were in this thing for keeps

till death do us part?

where are you now?

you, who fought against the older generation

so that you could be guaranteed your voice

so that you could play your music

on your instruments

in the process chasing some of them away

where are you now?

now that many of them are long gone

some of them dead

never to be argued with or fought with any more

now that you got your way

just exactly where are you?

you who signed up for almost every thing

who joined ever group

went on each and every single missions trip

helped out with setup and breakdown for every single event

for a time anyways.

we could sure use that passion now

we could certainly use some of that commitment

it would be incredible if some of you would suddenly walk right back through that door again…

where are you now?

did you get tired?

did you find it all a little too boring?

was it a failure to entertain?

DID WE NOT ENTERTAIN?

 

where are you now?

did someone manage to talk you out of that lifetime commitment you made?

was it one of your professors who maybe convinced you it was all a bunch of made-up stories?

did you become too cool to believe in any of it any more?

was it no longer convenient for you perhaps?

too comfortable?

of maybe not comfortable enough.

or was it maybe that you outgrew this stuff?

that you just got a little busy?

that life just happened or something?

that you settled?

gave up, gave in, threw in the towel, walked away

packed it away, packed it in, packed it off, over there, to the side, out of harm’s way

out of your way?

was it any of this?

i was sorry to see you go.

i am sad that you never made it back.

i can’t say I’m not a little disappointed. a little sad.

it is not the same without you, you know.

you are missed.

by me.

and by Him.

Great [Missed] Expectations

Probably one of the biggest disappointments there is.

You hear the possibility of a thing. You get excited, amped. Super amped! Prepare yourself. Count down the weeks, days, hours. Minutes. And finally it is here…

Oh but wait, it’s not!

Or well it kind of is but is not really the thing you expected or the way you expected it to go and so you maybe make some excuses and try and justify [on the other person’s behalf] but inside you are bummed. Super bummed. Deflated. Let down. Broken? Well, just a little bit. Sideswiped? For sure.

It’s like somebody [or something] pulled the rug out from beneath your legs and your whole body just went crumpling to the ground.

And you couldn’t get up. Well, not right away. Not as quickly as you might have hoped or liked. Had you expected this.

But you didn’t. It was a missed expectation.

They led you to believe that thing but then that thing didn’t happen exactly the way you felt them lead you to believe.

Was it malicious? No. Probably no. No, it probably wasn’t malicious. Probably wasn’t intentional. In fact there is a great chance that they never saw the expectation you had of that thing. They expected it to go a completely different way. They likely believed it would go the way it went. But that wasn’t exactly what they communicated to you.

That wasn’t how you heard it. That wasn’t quite exactly what they communicated. Or what you received anyways.

At least I hope not. The picture I received was a lot more exciting than this felt. The words that felt like promises which transformed, during autopsy, to ‘I would have liked. This would have been nice. This is the hope. This MIGHT be.’

Yes, but that wasn’t what you said. That wasn’t what you led me to believe.

None of that was how all of this was meant to be.

And you don’t even realise. And so you won’t own up to it. You won’t take responsibility. Because ‘you did nothing wrong.’

This becomes my thing. My little bag of sad to carry. To hold. To nurture. No, not to nurture, because I have to let go of it and move on.

I have to believe again. Have to hope again. Have to trust again.

Surely this time my expectations will be met…

can i not just start enjoying this big thing now?

not to be confused with ‘can’t i just enjoy this big thing first?’

some people refuse to let go of stuff. and it kills them. some people it actually genuinely physically kills them, cos you can trace ulcers and other stress-related diseases and conditions to the unforgiveness and disappointments that they held onto for a considerable amount of their lives

someone once said “holding onto unforgiveness is like drinking a cup of poison and hoping the other person will die” – because most often the other person doesn’t even know you’re secretly hating, bittering against them, and instead, like a cancer, or a hardcore acid, it eats away at your insides ultimately causing you to implode and you are usually the only one suffering (well, and those around you, who have to live with you)

which, i think is why God puts such huge emphasis on it – in matthew 6 straight after what we call ‘The Lord’s prayer’ Jesus says something along the lines of if you refuse to forgive others, then my Father in heaven will refuse to forgive you. wo! Hold the bus! if i refuse to forgive someone i can lose my salvation? seems to be what the writer is saying…

and the thing is, it affects every single one of your relationships. i don’t believe it is possible to hold onto the disappointments of yesterday or the pain/grief someone else caused you and refuse to forgive them and expect to have a healthy relationship with anyone else… because you put up walls (walls which protect you from further pain but also from accepting and giving love to other people) and you increase distance (physically or intimately) and you become a lonely, sad little person actually

the other side of the bagel is that forgiving someone does not mean what they did was ok. it just means you are refusing to let it be your problem any more. you are releasing them to be dealt with by God (who probably already is, but if not will definitely be some day) and freeing yourself up to embrace life to the full and to be able to start enjoying the big things of the moment now…

at least until someone asks you when you’re getting married, what you’re doing next year, or when the baby is due…

they make take our lives… but they’ll never take… well, only you can give away your freedom…