i kissed dating – Step Up! a woman response [maybe just maybe it’s us!?!]

got this great email from a good friend of mine who i will keep nameless, with some in-your-face honest and challenging questions/statements towards the end – could the problem be me? flip. [not me-me, you-me]

Hi Brett

My comment would be way too long, so thought I’d send an email instead.

As a happy-ish single girl, who has loads of friends (many of whom are very nice, good-looking, Jesus-loving single men), is involved in the church, and really wants to settle down with some lovely guy and have a family and home, I’ve been struck by this series of blogs. I’ve been single since just before I turned 16 (I’m almost 24). Most of that time has been spent liking boys and getting nowhere, day-dreaming about marriage and babies, wishing I wasn’t single, and getting very frustrated.

Jesus has shaken me out of this a few too many time to count. When I really get out of my own worries and self-pity, I realise a few things. Firstly, I wasn’t created to get married. I was created to glorify God with my everything. The mission Jesus gave me was to make disciples of all nations, to love God, and to love others. When these things are first and foremost in my mind, I know that even if I never get married, God will be my satisfaction for the rest of my life. Secondly, when I’m not desperately hunting around for some guy to fill this empty space, I get a lot more attention from guys who love Jesus (figures:) But my job is to become the person God made me to be, and to prepare for the ultimate wedding, when Jesus enjoys his bride for eternity. The perk is that in preparing for that wedding, I’m preparing for my earthly wedding too (if and when that happens).
So wanted to get that out the way, cause I know you’ve spoken about it before, but it always deserves reiterating. Our focus should never be on marriage, and finding the right person. It should be on being the right person for Jesus, first and foremost, and hopefully for a nice guy too.

Having said that, I’ve noticed that us single people are a bitter and vocal bunch. I could sit around and look at my girlfriends who are single, and wonder what is wrong with the men in our church for not snapping them up straightway. I could wonder how I’m still single, cause surely I’m not that bad? But the reality is that in my church, and the others that I occasionally visit, there are new couples getting together quite often, engagements happening every other week, and lots of happily married folk. I could look at my friends again and notice that most of them are happily dating/engaged/married. Whilst this makes my singleness much more evident, and harder to deal with, it does stop me lumping all Christian guys with the label of not ‘stepping up’. It just so happens that the boys I’ve liked haven’t stepped up (probably with good reason).

There are lists and lists of things that could be pushing guys away, stopping them from asking us out, or wanting to get to know us. I almost wrote a list. But those things are so specific to us as individuals. I suggest girls (and guys) sitting down with their friends and asking them to be really honest about some of the major character flaws, or annoying/weird/mean things we do, and then starting there. Not just for the sake of finding a mate, but for the sake of all of our relationships.

Feel like thats the gist of what I wanted to say, hope something is useful for your blogs:)

i kissed dating, part Step up! [Both of you!] – for the Ladies!

Jesus-loving single ladies, this blog is for you:

i would love to hear from single Jesus-loving ladies who read this blog. This seems to be a really huge cry from Jesus-loving women out there and i really think it’s important that we address it and hear both sides. I don’t believe this is only a guy responsibility. I think there are issues on both sides of this dilemma and the best way to move forward on it is to hear from girls and guys in the situation.

Here are some of my questions for you:

* what are the main issues that you have with regards to this situation? [There are no decent guys in the church? The guys aren’t asking you out? The guys aren’t serious in relationships?] Help us define the problem.

* what do you think the girls are contributing to the issue and where do you need to take responsibility? [Do guys feel intimated by Christian girls? Are your standards too high in terms of ‘the perfect guy’? Are you approachable? Have girls been playing games so much that the guys are over it?]

* What do guys do or fail to do that exacerbates the issue?

* Are there any things that you can do to make it easier for the guys to initiate relationship/ask you out?

In case you were not yet aware of what issue we are talking about, the topic was raised when I wrote that you need to date someone who has Jesus as their number one focus. A bunch of girls responded by saying “where are these guys?” – either they don’t exist (Christ-following girls outnumber Christ-following guys in church) or else they are not asking us out.

Your comments will be most appreciated. Hopefully we can start to get to the bottom of this and at least find some ways of making things easier for both sides.

i kissed dating, part Step up! [Both of you!] – intro

i recently received an email from a friend of mine who is a girl who loves Jesus but is getting quite frustrated with the guys in her church not stepping up in the area of asking girls out [you can read the email and the responses i gave here]

after posting it, i received a pretty huge number of responses from Christian young adult women going “Yeah, step up boys!” or something like that. someone commented that mathematically there are more christian women than christian men so they’re already on the back foot.

then i read some comments that my new friend M Joshua had written at the end of his worth-reading Love Subverts blog on Christian Dating which you can read here.

and so, having dealt with this topic, i realised it needed a bit of a closer look – which i will do in my next two posts – but also that this is not just a guy thing – it’s a guy thing AND it’s a girl thing and i will look at both briefly with the hope that you will carefully look at the one that relates to you and give it some serious thort – i am also hoping that these blogs in particular will get you responding so we can hear exactly what you’re thinking and feeling and saying on the matter…

this seems to be quite a big deal, so let’s treat it like that – start by asking yourself the question: How do i as a Jesus-following guy/girl need to step up in the area of showing/receiving interest to members of the opposite sex?

you ready for this? read on…

i kissed dating, part how far is too far? [part III]

some last thorts on this ‘HOW FAR IS TOO FAR?’ question…

i want to expand a little on the TAKE YOUR TIME principle i mentioned. We live in a time of INSTANT GRATIFICATION – microwaves and sms’s and takeaway coffee. This has affected our minds and lifestyles and we have gotten completely caught up in it and it is NOT ALWAYS A GOOD THING because there is NO SUCH THING AS AN INSTANT RELATIONSHIP.

Some processes SHOULD NOT BE RUSHED. You have probably heard the story of the caterpillar in the cocoon struggling to break it open so that it can enjoy new life as a butterfly. If you sit watching that process you probably think, “How cruel. Let me help you little ‘pillar.” And so you take a knife and carefully cut a hole in the cocoon so the butterfly is free to emerge. When it does emerge its wings are all weak and broken. And the butterfly inevitably dies. Why? Because PART OF THE PROCESS of becoming a butterfly is FORCING ITS WAY THRU THE WALL of the cocoon which in turn STRENGTHENS THE WINGS enough so that they will be STRONG ENOUGH to later carry the butterfly in flight.

It’s the same with relationships. We hook up with people on mxit and facebook and RUSH INTO A RELATIONSHIP, but if it happens without us getting a chance to know the person properly, then at some stage when we do get to know them, we might be quite surprised. TAKE YOUR TIME getting to know people before rushing into relationships. Take your time with physical stuff once you are in a relationship.

i can’t remember if i’ve mentioned this already, but physical stuff leads to physical stuff. The first time you hold her hand IT IS ELECTRIC and you don’t wash your hand for three days and catch yourself with a goofy smile thinking back to it. But then the novelty wears off and it’s the first kiss and that is IN-CRE-DIBLE. For a while and then it becomes normal. And so on. The sooner you head to the next stage of physical stuff the sooner you will want to continue and suddenly you will find yourself in a place where you are not ready to be and it becomes a lot more difficult. So just don’t rush it is what i’m saying – often the physical stuff can take the place of actually spending time with the person and hanging out with them so put some more focus on that because in the long term it will be A LOT MORE VALUABLE to the relationship.

The other picture i wanted to share is that of sex. I believe and have experienced that SEX IN THE PLACE WHERE IT IS MEANT TO BE [in the context of the committed relationship that marriage is meant to be] IS PHENOMENAL. I never had sex before i got married but i cannot understand how it could be any good outside of this place. It is such an INTIMATE ACT and EXPRESSION OF LOVE that having it with someone you are not going to continue to be intimate and loving to just seems CRAZY.

The picture i have heard used to explain this before, which i think is brilliant, is that of TWO PIECES OF PAPER being GLUED TOGETHER. Because in one sense that is what sex does. It UNITES YOU INTIMATELY far beyond just in physical ways. So two people who have sex outside of a committed marriage relationship is like trying to carefully separate those two pieces of paper again. It’s IMPOSSIBLE. No matter how careful you try to be, there will always be part of each piece of paper left behind on the other piece. And so every time you have a sexual encounter you LEAVE A PIECE OF YOURSELF with that person. After many such encounters the paper starts to look pretty awful.

i wouldn’t even say this is specifically a Christ-following thing [except from the point of view that God’s rules for life are generally to look after you and protect you from harm]. It just makes A LOT OF SENSE. It is important that we start by TRANSFORMING OUR MINDS [because we live in a society that says it is all about having sex with your boy/girl person] so that we can live differently in that area.

i would imagine as well that if you have slept with two, five, ten people before you get married then there is NOT A LOT TO LOOK FORWARD TO in terms of your partner. It just becomes one more time and there is the danger of comparing it to past encounters and someone not measuring up. But when you can stand in front of that special person on that day in front of your friends and family and God and declare, “Hey, I SAVED SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU” [and the more the better, why not?] then that becomes AN INCREDIBLE GIFT and something that will REALLY CONNECT THE TWO OF YOU DEEPLY from then on.

i kissed dating, part how far is too far? [part II]

continuing with the HOW FAR IS TOO FAR question…

finished the first part by saying this:

So THE QUESTION you frame will sound a lot more like this – HOW CAN I LOVE AND RESPECT THIS PERSON i am in a relationship with to the extent that if the dating relationship ever ends, he/she does not walk away with A WHOLE LOT OF BAGGAGE [physically, emotionally…] and HOW MUCH CAN I SAVE OF MYSELF AND KEEP SPECIAL for the person who i am going to end up marrying?

and HERE ARE SOME PRINCIPLES that should help you deal with this in a POSITIVE AND HEALTHY way:

[1] DECIDE ON THE BOUNDARIES BEFORE YOU NEED TO – if you are sitting in a darkened room with your girlfriend on the couch at 11pm on a Saturday evening and there is no one else at home, then the moment things start progressing physically is not the best time to start thinking about what your boundaries are – it’s NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. So come up with a plan and discuss it with your person BEFORE you get into the situation, so that WHEN THE SITUATION OCCURS the boundaries are already in place and it will be easier to slow things down or stop them completely.

[2] ERR ON THE SIDE OF SAFE – as i mentioned before if you are playing right on the edge of the cliff then you are only ONE BAD MOVE AWAY from falling over. So when it comes to what physical stuff you and your person are happy with, rather err on the side of less. As a married man, i can promise you that i NEVER LOOK BACK at past relationships i had AND WISH I HAD GONE FURTHER with any of the girls. Rather when meeting and dating and eventually marrying Val, i wish that i had done less. I was her first boyfriend and so i know i was not able to offer her the same purity that she offered me. So DO LESS! Take more time to get to know each other and enjoy each other as people, and less time in darkened rooms making out. [There is lots of time for that later, Mmm…]

[3] HAVE GOOD ACCOUNTABILITY – Proverbs 27.6 says “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” And what this means is if you have someone in your life who you know loves you and cares about you, then even their words of caution or rebuke can be trusted (because it will be done in love) whereas people who just say “Yes!” to everything you do or want to do, are really acting as enemies to you. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SOME GODLY PEOPLE who will not be afraid to SPEAK TRUTH in your life. For guys, have a guy and for girls, have a girl who you can speak to about your relationship stuff, about the struggles and temptations [especially in this area of physical stuff] and who will check in on you and be praying for you and loving you back to health if you ever do mess up.

This is one of the areas that takes down Jesus-following people MORE THAN MOST OTHERS. Largely because of THE GUILT AND CONDEMNATION that comes to visit when you get it wrong. We know that in Jesus there is no condemnation – there is GRACE AND FORGIVENESS and a second chance. But WHY EVEN GO THAT ROUTE? MAKE GREAT CHOICES FROM THE BEGINNING and you won’t even have to go down that road.

It STARTS WITH ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTION – and HOW FAR IS TOO FAR? is not that question.

HOW CAN I LOVE AND RESPECT THIS PERSON i am in a relationship with to the extent that if the dating relationship ever ends, he/she does not walk away with A WHOLE LOT OF BAGGAGE [physically, emotionally…] and HOW MUCH CAN I SAVE OF MYSELF AND KEEP SPECIAL for the person who i am going to end up marrying?

[to continue to part III click here]

i kissed dating, part how far is too far? [part I]

Belgium. i would say that Belgium is probably TOO FAR. Unless you’re in Holland, cos then it’s just like down the road or something…

But in our recent history or being asked to speak or lead workshops on relationships, THE ONE QUESTION that the beautiful val and i GET ASKED WITHOUT FAIL is this one: HOW FAR IS TOO FAR?

And the answer is very simple. ASK A BETTER QUESTION! Because with ‘How far is too far?’ WHAT YOU ARE REALLY SAYING is:

“I know there’s a line, there’s a cliff. But i want to know HOW CLOSE TO THE EDGE of the cliff can i get without actually being over it?”

or another way:

“How close to being bad can i actually get WITHOUT HAVING TO FEEL GUILTY?”

or something like that… and because you are asking THE WRONG QUESTION, you will never get a satisfying answer.

and if there is a line or a cliff and you spend all your time hanging out right on the edge of it, then THERE WILL COME A MOMENT when you are not strong enough to resist temptation and it is just a step away from A LONG AND PAINFUL PLUMMET from which it is not possible to come back without some scratches and bruises.

Well then WHAT QUESTION SHOULD I BE ASKING? Well it starts with my premise that all dating is done with the possibility of this person being the one that i end up married to. With that in mind – and remembering everything that was said about good break-ups in the last blog [when you realise you are not a good match] – there is always the probability that if things do not work out for me and this girl, that she will one day be SOMEONE ELSE’S WIFE.

With me so far? If things don’t work out with me and present girlfriend at some stage she will be someone else’s wife. Now be that person and work backwards from there: If you are dating someone who is one day going to be my wife, what do you think i would be happy to allow the two of you to do? And the answer is probably NOTHING!! i would not want you to do anything – in the physically intimate sense – with the girl who will one day be my wife.

Now DO NOT PANIC!!!, I AM NOT SAYING DO NOTHING. What i am saying, is that if we are able to view our relationship with this person as someone else’s potential life-long mate, it MAY HELP US TO MORE EASILY AND THOUGHTFULLY DEFINE what those boundaries are.

Because i am NOT SURE THE SPECIFICS ARE THE SAME for everyone. And i am not going to give you a list of THINGS YOU CAN DO and PLACES YOU CANNOT TOUCH [altho reproductive organs and baby-feeding appendages are probably great non-negotiable areas to completely avoid] because i think there are some KEY PRINCIPLES that if you put them in place, will make the living-out-of-it’ness a lot easier.

So THE QUESTION you frame will sound a lot more like this – HOW CAN I LOVE AND RESPECT THIS PERSON i am in a relationship with to the extent that if the dating relationship ever ends, he/she does not walk away with A WHOLE LOT OF BAGGAGE [physically, emotionally…] and HOW MUCH CAN I SAVE OF MYSELF AND KEEP SPECIAL for the person who i am going to end up marrying?

[to be continued… by clicking here…]

i kissed dating, part good, positive, successful break-ups [WHAT?]

Continuing the series on Christ-following dating, trying to look at PRINCIPLES THAT WILL HELP MAKE IT EASIER for us to date more successfully and healthy’ly…

I want to look at THE BREAK-UP which we see as a NEGATIVE THING, right? “Francesca and Orville broke up? Aw shame, sorry guys” is the general response we have to that [especially if the dating couple was Francesca and Orville, otherwise we may have used other names].

But I want to suggest that BREAKING UP CAN BE AN INCREDIBLE THING.

WHAT THE FLIPPY FLIP? Yes, you heard me right. Breathe… deeply… and read on…

Okay “incredible” may be a little strong… but breaking up with someone can be A GOOD THING. If it is the RIGHT THING and if it is DONE WELL.

Let’s look at this thru THE LENS OF COURTSHIP which an olde fashionede worde for datinge [add an ‘e’ to any word and it immediately becomes old-fashionede] – the idea of ‘Courtship’ was two people who wanted to get married, INTENTIONALLY MOVING INTO A RELATIONSHIP with the purpose of seeing WHETHER MARRIAGE WAS THE ULTIMATE LOGICAL CONCLUSION for the two of them.

A SUCCESSFUL COURTSHIP would be one where the couple discover that they do have similiar vision and values and their passions overlap in some areas and THEY ARE A SUITABLE MATCH and they decide to move from there towards marriage. [i think no-one will have a problem with that on]

BUT A SUCCESSFUL COURTSHIP was also where the couple realise that, for whatever reasons (could be vision/values/personality/passions/temperament), THEY ARE NOT A SUITABLE MATCH FOR MARRIAGE and they decide to MUTUALLY END THE COURTSHIP. [this may be a bit of an eye-opener for some of us]

And now if you take it back to dating, it works EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. A SUCCESSFUL BREAK-UP of a dating relationship is one where the dating couple realise that THEY ARE NOT A GREAT MATCH for marriage and decide to END THE DATING RELATIONSHIP.

Revolutionary thinking? For some, i imagine, but IT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE and can possibly save a lot of heartache.

The WORLDLY PATTERN of dating says A BREAK-UP MEANS YOU FAILED. What i am suggesting is that a break-up can be a sign that you have succeeded. If the couple both realise that together, then the break-up can be mutual – that doesn’t mean it won’t still hurt a bit or be awkward when the two of them are in the same social situations and so on – and the couple will more than likely be able to get to a place where THEY CAN STILL BE FRIENDS.

I don’t think you will necessarily be best friends with all your ex-girlfriends/boyfriends and i don’t think that is necessarily healthy. But if we adopted a more JESUS-FOLLOWING PATTERN OF DATING then i would bet that you never have to end a relationship hating the other person. A BREAK-UP CAN HAPPEN WELL. And be a success.

This is definitely one of those areas where we need to be TRANSFORMED BY THE RENEWING OF OUR MINDS.

I can speak of this stuff FROM EXPERIENCE. I had three girlfriends (and three half-girlfriends, long story) before i met and dated and married the beautiful Val. And while i am not best friends with any of them, i have decent and i would even say good relationships with them all. There is NO HATING OR BAD FEELING or anything because we dated pretty well and we broke up well.

[This stuff is linked to the ‘HOW FAR IS TOO FAR?’ question in terms of physical stuff in relationship which i’ll probly deal with next, because the more intimate you get physically the more painful/difficult the break-up is likely to be]

[to continue to ‘How Far is Too Far?’ click here]