i kissed dating part Eliminate the Klingon

…continuing on the journeying of looking at how we date and how we could do better at it…

this specific thort is very couple specific so for those who need to hear it, you REALLY need to hear it, whereas there are probably a whole bunch of people who don’t [but you know people who do!] but i do think it is a healthy thing to give a quick look to.

so the moment happens, you look across that crowded room and see that person – “the one” – and your heart does all that strange stuff and the whole world fades and there is just that person [slow motion baywatch beach running may occur as you move towards each other and interact and she/he actually speaks to you… or it may not… i dunno, it’s been a while]

and thru some miracle this person feels the same way and says yes when you ask them out on a date and again when you ask them to date [there’s a difference] and it’s a really amazing thing and time and feeling and so on.

the one problem that occurs with some couples is that they continue on in that state and forget to push the button that allows the rest of the world to come back into focus. you know the type – i call them klingons – not because they are the enemies of the Star Ship Enterprise, but because they simply just cling….on…. to each other, all the time.

we’re talking about exclusive couples who become a couple and then pretty much distance themselves from everyone else or else interact with people but only ever as a couple.

it may sound and seem pretty nice, but i don’t believe it’s healthy. what is healthy is for a couple to have friends, both as individuals and as the couple, and also to have some separate interests.

community is so vital for a healthy relationship and one of the things Christ-followers do or should have going for them is a sort of instant community when it comes to church [or cell group/youth] and so it makes a lot of sense to make the most of that. also klingon couples are generally not a lot of fun to be around. they are so self-absorbed that they alienate all those around them and so people end up wanting to spend less time with them which just reinforces the whole klingon thing.

so what i am saying is if you are in a relationship then…

[1] be around other people – don’t sit exclusively in your relationship and only spend time with that person – you will damage all the friendships both of you had before and if – heaven forbid – you were to ever break up – you would be left without a support group of friends who love you who can gather around you and help it be okay.

[2] be clinged off when around other people – i imagine you spend enough time touching each other when you are alone so when you are with friends or in other social settings you don’t have to be holding hands or onto each other all the time – it really makes it difficult or uncomfortable for other people if you are constantly physically clinging on to each other – and make space for other people in terms of not just zoning in to your person – when you’re around other people, be around other people

[3] it is healthy to spend time not with your person – hang out with your friends while he/she hangs out with theirs – be involved in some activity/activities that don’t doesn’t involve your person – time spent apart will increase the incredibleness of time spent together but it is also a healthy situation in terms of personal growth and growth with your other significant people

so eliminate the klingon from your relationship and be in relationship in community – you and your person and the people around you will all benefit from it and the relationship is likely to be a lot stronger.

botswanan reflections: a couple to follow

so blah blah blah botswana trip…

we went up with our friends dreadlock mike (dreads) and nancy the twin (twin) and two of their friend couples and i could possibly blog a lot about living with all three for the week…

but the one i want to briefly write about is a couple who were mike and nancy’s groomsman and bridesmaid respectively… a physio for the sharks and a high level manager type product control person for a cement company (and quite possibly not the way around you would expect them to be but both are doing brilliantly at their jobs)

brent and zeldy. married for three years. but together for eleven as they dated for 8 before that. but what a couple. i commented to val the one night that brent is just such a model of a servant in a marriage as i constantly would see him getting drinks or food or a chair or whatever it was for his wife, and not that it was a one sided thing at all (i think i just happened to more notice when he did it cos sadly it doesn’t seem to be like such a normal thing with guys, at least to the extent that i noticed it that week) cos zeldy definitely appears to be an amazing servanthood wife as well, but it was just such an incredible thing to witness

in galatians paul writes that ‘the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love’ and i think that describes what we saw of their relationship – both what we saw and what we heard about how they invest in other peoples relationships and make an effort spoke strongly of an active faith and reflection of God’s love to each other…

i really want to just honour them as a couple – we asked them if they fight and they said not really – they have disagreements and moments when one or both gets a little hard headed about stuff but “we worked out that stuff long ago”

in an age when strong marriages appear on the wane, it is exciting and worth honouring and uplifting and drawing attention to when we see those that are strong and worth learning from and so brent and zeldy, thank you for showing us what can and is being lived out.