marriage to the right person – highly recommendable

so in exactly one week’s time i will have been married to the beautiful Val for exactly one year – and what a year it’s been!

as i say often to people – ‘marriage is highly recommended… to the right person!’ and the ‘to the right person’ bit is the key – not cos i believe in any kind of God-brings-this-person-and-that-person-together necessarily or that i believe that there is only one ‘the one’ as opposed to a number of ‘the potential ones who could be the one’ but because i have experienced or witnessed both

i have some friends who have hurt or are hurting a lot because they dated or got engaged to or even married the person who ended up not being a good match for them – and i have some friends (and myself) who by the grace of God managed to somehow end up with someone who is a the-one match for them (cos history knows i tried my best to work it otherwise on occasion, or so it would seem looking back)

having been married for one week less than a year i can declare with absolute abandon and complete integrity that marriage works – it is incredible – it is a journey and an adventure and an absolute trip… but not without adding ‘to the right person’

because it is also a tough path at times (inevitably you are going to end up hurting – or being hurt by – or disappointing or miscommunicating with the one you love and having a moment or an argument or even – gasp! – a fight – and that completely sucks, cos this is the person you love most in the world and you hate hurting or being hurt by them – the pain is deeper because the bond is so strong)

it is a journey requiring effort and sacrifice and surrender – which we as selfish and prideful human beings really struggle to embrace, especially having grown up in a world constantly screaming the mantra ‘this is all about me’ – and the trick in marriage is really embracing the effort and the sacrifice and surrender and continuing to try and get it right in lifting the other person up above yourself (the beauty is that if she is doing the same thing then we continue to be as lifted up as if we were focusing on ourselves, but with the added benefit of relationship)

it is a path of discovery (new person in my life, new habits, new quirks, new likes and dislikes) – of hey we both find this extremely funny and wow we’re pretty good working alongside each other in the kitchen (which both our families would question in pre-marriage times) and hey she really digs it when i do this and i am so glad that she has chosen to do that chore so i don’t have to and i can do this which she absolutely hated to have to do

it is a choice – day in day out – every single day i have to wake up and choose again – choose the beautiful val over the not so beautiful brett (especially on my bad, lazy, selfish, overcompetitive, procrastinationary, grumpy, i’m right days) – choose to live out those five pages of wedding day vows – promises i make again every day, every day

so whether it’s coffee in bed (one of the highlights of my day – being able to make it for my wife and greet her with a morning kiss) or flapjacks made with packet waffle mix (better than the packet flapjack mix strangely) or scrubs/I.T. crowd/ or Summer Heights High or Eddie Izzard/Michael Mcintyre/Bill Bailey or p.d.a. facebook statuses (within reason) or tag teaming together in a counselling situation or lying together at night solving all the mysteries of the world (or at least our day) or laughing together (a lot! one of the highlights and if you can’t laugh with your person then i seriously think they are probably not a ‘the one’) and private jokes and scrabble or kucky san or trying to lose gracefully at settlers or her asking me random (to me but thoroughly interested and trying to figure out how the world works to her) questions about things i can’t possibly know and woolworths prawn cocktail chips and Terry Pratchett passages and mielies and marshmallow steri stumpies (for her) and purple and that elusive couch (and wedding photos) and dream league cricket and watching her get passionate about justice and not letting us not help people in need and getting to really know her better and totally speak what she is thinking or really meaning and and and

thank you tbV for almost a year of incredible journey – it grows daily – i love you very much and am looking to an even kicker asser year ahead – you really do complete me (you and God)

note to single people: enjoy, thrive, live to the full, desire your ‘the one’ but don’t let it consume you – make the most of the time and freedom you have as a single person and be content in every area of your life (while continuing to keep your eyes open and to ask God and to want that person if you do)

note to dating people: enjoy, thrive, live to the full, don’t live as married people yet cos you’re not and save the stuff for marriage for the person you marry (which may not end up being the person you are dating now so don’t waste it on them now cos it seriously will be a waste if they turn out not to be that person), enjoy each other but keep it uncomplicated and grow in relationship to see if this is your one and part peacefully if not

note to married people: enjoy, thrive, live to the full, husbands, love your wives, uplift each other, keep private stuff private, never diss your spouse (even in jest) in front of others, especially not just for a cheap laugh, if you’re struggling ask for help, choose every morning to serve and lift up and that-person-first and kill selfishness and pride whenever it rears its head, run to say sorry when you have been wrong, don’t ever go to bed angry or fighting, don’t give up, don’t feed temptation, love each other, let’s fight together for marriage – it works, it’s incredible, it costs, it’s worth it!

take a look at yourself and change your…face…

“i’m talking bout the man in the mirror – ooh yeah – i’m askin him to change his face… ooh wa… and no message, could have been, any clearer… if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and change your face” [Michael Jackson, adapted by plastic surgeons anonymous]

yes i know that’s not the line but it’s the one i always sing when i hear of that song – just got stuck in my head at some point and i think it’s fun

and while we can’t all afford plastic surgery, and why would you want to anyway, you’re beautiful, there are some things we can and maybe do need to change…

i just made two guys coffee – no big deal – don’t start waving the saint label at me or anything – no ‘brett fish ministries’ website or road show in the mix… but the point is they are two electricianny guys who are fixing the lights in our place as i speak – yes literally on a ladder in front of me right now and maybe i shouldn’t be speaking these thoughts out loud cos i’m starting to freak them out (okay that bit was only true in my head) – my point being, they came to do a job and i made them coffee – simplest action – completely unnecessary and unexpected and not part of the business transaction at all (although i am hoping they tip well) but maybe the smallest gesture that actually makes their morning that little bit better (being a cold and rainy day and all)

i tip my petrol attendant guys (crummy job i imagine, especially in bad weather  and probly not well paid and so imagine if twenty people an hour tipped them R2 to R10 bucks or more how it all adds up); and i  smile at cashiers when i buy stuff at the supermarket and when i’m really on form throw out some line loudly about how i picked them out of all the others; and i try and be generous to car guards (especially those in places i frequent often – in fact guys from church bought Gil – French dude – at Ginos a pizza the other day to say thankx and now he knows them by name and they are becoming friends; i always try and ask a homeless person their name if i engage with them or maybe buy them some food…

and yes, none of these things are going to win me the nobel peace prize which is great actually cos i have enuff junk around the house we’re trying to get rid of, but my point is that it is actually incredibly easy and mostly costless to lift someones day or moment with the smallest of gestures

“i’m talking bout the man in the mirror – ooh yeah – i’m askin him to change his face… ooh wa… and no message, could have been, any clearer… if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and change your face”

actually… maybe there is some truth in that altered version of the song… because a simple smile can be so powerful – and that sounds so incredibly cheesy but if it is, then it’s the good kind, that you only get when la-di-dah people bring out the crackers and a knife… when you are caught in traffic and you look across and see someone else totally bummed by the fact flash them a smile (try keep it friendly, not the stalkery type that will make leave their car and run screaming through the traffic away from you) – as you walk down the road be intentional about catching someone’s eye and smiling at them – when you shop, when you petrol, when you eat out, when you arrive home to your family…

there’s no ‘I’ in team… but there are two in ‘smile’ if you write it out twice in a row…

now go change the world! [start with your face]

Oikos – greek for ‘tall semi-wild mocha please’

so this morning we had an Oikos gathering at Seattle coffee shop in Century City where all good Oikos gatherings happen – basically the idea is for an informal setting for people passionate about Jesus (yet maybe not so passionate about church or struggling with church in its current form and style) to have a space to talk openly about loving God and loving people and struggles with church and new exciting books or ideas or possibilities

so it’s every now and then when i feel like it – send out the word and 3 to 8 ish people come and hang and chat and listen – normal format is awkward silence for half an hour or so then suddenly it clicks and people start connecting – because it’s different people every time there is no growing in community in a sense hence the slow start

but today was different – there were 8 of us i think (frans and michelle and mark chapman and ross and jessie and victor and jaryd) and yeah it was just really positive and good questions were asked and some exciting stories were shared [Pinelands Baptist for example, instead of standing outside the recent Sexpo in Cape Town boycotting and placard-waving with all the other good christians, apparently bought a stand inside the Sexpo and advertised their marriage courses and various opportunities for people around Cape Town to strengthen their marriages – and apparently won awards for most liked stall or something like that – that kind of initiative excites me!]

bottom line for me i think was a statement that i made that Christ-followers need to get more creative with their faith (not compromising on it or watering it down at all but finding new ways to present it or live it out and make it real) and every follower of Jesus needs to take or make more time to stop (collaborate and listen) and ask God what they should be doing with what they have (money, skills, passion, time) because i think if they did (and then followed thru) the world would be a much much better place.