loving the discussion we’ve got happening around this topic – but you really should check this one out – wow, great post, very vulnerable and out there – guys and girls should read this – lots of truth…
On dating and daring part I – click here to read
On dating and daring part II – click here to read
got this great email from a good friend of mine who i will keep nameless, with some in-your-face honest and challenging questions/statements towards the end – could the problem be me? flip. [not me-me, you-me]
Hi Brett
My comment would be way too long, so thought I’d send an email instead.
As a happy-ish single girl, who has loads of friends (many of whom are very nice, good-looking, Jesus-loving single men), is involved in the church, and really wants to settle down with some lovely guy and have a family and home, I’ve been struck by this series of blogs. I’ve been single since just before I turned 16 (I’m almost 24). Most of that time has been spent liking boys and getting nowhere, day-dreaming about marriage and babies, wishing I wasn’t single, and getting very frustrated.
Jesus has shaken me out of this a few too many time to count. When I really get out of my own worries and self-pity, I realise a few things. Firstly, I wasn’t created to get married. I was created to glorify God with my everything. The mission Jesus gave me was to make disciples of all nations, to love God, and to love others. When these things are first and foremost in my mind, I know that even if I never get married, God will be my satisfaction for the rest of my life. Secondly, when I’m not desperately hunting around for some guy to fill this empty space, I get a lot more attention from guys who love Jesus (figures:) But my job is to become the person God made me to be, and to prepare for the ultimate wedding, when Jesus enjoys his bride for eternity. The perk is that in preparing for that wedding, I’m preparing for my earthly wedding too (if and when that happens).
So wanted to get that out the way, cause I know you’ve spoken about it before, but it always deserves reiterating. Our focus should never be on marriage, and finding the right person. It should be on being the right person for Jesus, first and foremost, and hopefully for a nice guy too.
Having said that, I’ve noticed that us single people are a bitter and vocal bunch. I could sit around and look at my girlfriends who are single, and wonder what is wrong with the men in our church for not snapping them up straightway. I could wonder how I’m still single, cause surely I’m not that bad? But the reality is that in my church, and the others that I occasionally visit, there are new couples getting together quite often, engagements happening every other week, and lots of happily married folk. I could look at my friends again and notice that most of them are happily dating/engaged/married. Whilst this makes my singleness much more evident, and harder to deal with, it does stop me lumping all Christian guys with the label of not ‘stepping up’. It just so happens that the boys I’ve liked haven’t stepped up (probably with good reason).
There are lists and lists of things that could be pushing guys away, stopping them from asking us out, or wanting to get to know us. I almost wrote a list. But those things are so specific to us as individuals. I suggest girls (and guys) sitting down with their friends and asking them to be really honest about some of the major character flaws, or annoying/weird/mean things we do, and then starting there. Not just for the sake of finding a mate, but for the sake of all of our relationships.
Feel like thats the gist of what I wanted to say, hope something is useful for your blogs:)
Jesus-loving single ladies, this blog is for you:
i would love to hear from single Jesus-loving ladies who read this blog. This seems to be a really huge cry from Jesus-loving women out there and i really think it’s important that we address it and hear both sides. I don’t believe this is only a guy responsibility. I think there are issues on both sides of this dilemma and the best way to move forward on it is to hear from girls and guys in the situation.
Here are some of my questions for you:
* what are the main issues that you have with regards to this situation? [There are no decent guys in the church? The guys aren’t asking you out? The guys aren’t serious in relationships?] Help us define the problem.
* what do you think the girls are contributing to the issue and where do you need to take responsibility? [Do guys feel intimated by Christian girls? Are your standards too high in terms of ‘the perfect guy’? Are you approachable? Have girls been playing games so much that the guys are over it?]
* What do guys do or fail to do that exacerbates the issue?
* Are there any things that you can do to make it easier for the guys to initiate relationship/ask you out?
In case you were not yet aware of what issue we are talking about, the topic was raised when I wrote that you need to date someone who has Jesus as their number one focus. A bunch of girls responded by saying “where are these guys?” – either they don’t exist (Christ-following girls outnumber Christ-following guys in church) or else they are not asking us out.
Your comments will be most appreciated. Hopefully we can start to get to the bottom of this and at least find some ways of making things easier for both sides.
Irresistibly Fish 