Tag Archive: brett andy


so a while ago, after ten rounds of brett andy voting [jack handeyesque wannabe quotes i’m working on improving – some good, some bad, some ugly, but every now and then i just hit it.] i was going to do a massive best of vote in which i picked all my top ones and got people to pick the best of the best… but then i changed computers and all my brett andy voting results and lists are on my other computer and it just seems like too much admin, so will get there one day… but for now if you are able to read through the list and add a comment on which of the latest ones you possibly find funny – there are three here that i really like for various reasons of subtlety and one [if you google it] is actually a true story…so please take a minute to vote on any of them you find good if you do – am still learning the craft:

“AS THE UGLY DUCKLING CAUGHT SIGHT OF HIS REFLECTION IN THE POND, HE SMILED QUIETLY TO HIMSELF. NEVER AGAIN WOULD HE BE CALLED THAT. FROM THEN ON IT WAS ‘THE UGLY SWAN’ ALL THE WAY.”

“AS THE BLIND LADY ENTERED THE SEAFOOD RESTAURANT, SHE PONDERED THE IRONY.”

“AS I COMPLETED MY TOAST TO THE BRIDESMAIDS, THE USHERS GRABBED MY ARMS AND ESCORTED ME OUT OF THE CHURCH.”

“I STARED AT THE MAN EATING TIGER AND BEGAN TO WONDER IF THIS RESTAURANT WAS A TAD TOO EXOTIC FOR MY SIMPLE TASTES.”

“AS THE NOOSE TIGHTENED, IT FELT LIKE MY BREATH WAS BEING FORCED OUT OF MY LUNGS AND MY WHOLE LIFE FLASHED INSTANTLY BEFORE ME. WAIT, NOT ‘NOOSE’, I MEAN ‘NECKTIE’.”

“THE TAXIDERMIST’S DOG SEEMED TO HAVE AN INSATIABLE APPETITE. HE WOULD EAT AND EAT AND NEVER SEEM TO BE GETTING ENOUGH. THEN ONE DAY HE WAS STUFFED.”

“THE SHERIFF STARED SOMBERLY INTO HIS DRINK. FOR SOME REASON THINGS IN THE TAME, TAME EAST NEVER SEEMED TO RAISE THE SAME KIND OF ADRENALIN RUSHES THAT HIS COUSIN OFTEN SPOKE OF FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY .”

“AS E.T. FINALLY MADE IT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, HE FLASHED THE BIGGEST GRIN EVER, BUT AS THE LAST COIN HIT THE BOTTOM WITH A LOUD ‘THUNK’, IT SUDDENLY DAWNED ON HIM THAT HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE DIALLING CODE WAS.”

“SURE, HE HAD ATTRACTED ALL THE RATS OF THE CITY, BUT WHAT NOW?” THOUGHT THE PIED ORGANIST TO HIMSELF.”

“I IMAGINE, IF YOU’RE PETER PARKER, IT’S A LOT MORE EMBARRASSING WHEN YOU GET DISCONNECTED FROM THE WEB.”

“POW. THE RICE CRISPY WHO LEFT BEFORE THE GROUP WENT BIG.”

“MY MATHS TEACHER ASKED ME WHAT THE TECHNICAL TERM WAS FOR TWELVE TIMES TWELVE AND I SAID, “THAT’S GROSS,” COS SHE HAD A TINY PIECE OF SNOT HANGING OFF THE END OF HER NOSE.”

Back in the day there was a funny guy called Jack Handey who wrote deep thorts like:

‘One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn’t know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.’ [Jack Handey]

and:

‘One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I
think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive
over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.’ [Jack Handey]

or occasionally slightly darker ones like:

‘I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”‘

These made me smile. They made other people smile. Some people would laugh out loud. A lot. Occasionally someone would hurt themself. Which made me think, I want to hurt people too. But with laughter. And so I set out to try and come up with my own fish-flavoured deep thorts and they became known as Brett Andy’s because well, you know. They are still a work in progress but I have made ten lists of them know and I would love to know if any of the following cause any of the above reactions. If so please leave a comment and name the one or ones you liked:

“Cannibal Pete was struggling to get his car started so I offered him a hand, a decision I would quickly regret.” [Brett Andy]

“She barked twice, following it with a low two second gutteral growl. “Oh no,” I thought, “Timmy has fallen into the well!” [Brett Andy]

“I was disqualified from the hotdog eating competition for chewing on a lukewarm pekinese.” [Brett Andy]

“Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But sell a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day plus you’ll have some extra money.” [Brett Andy]

“Those who live in glass houses, shouldn’t.” [Brett Andy]

“The thing I find fascinating about elephants is their ability to shoot out a powerful stream of water for hours at a time. Wait, not elephants… fire hydrants!” [Brett Andy]

“Scissors are crushed. Paper is cut to shreds. Rock is lying there going, “Oh no, there’s a piece of paper on top of me, what shall I do?” [Brett Andy]

‘“Reddit” said Frog again as the librarian’s patience was starting to wear thin.’ [Brett Andy]

“I tried to call my fiance’. But her phone was engaged. That’s a case of unplanned irony right there my friend.” [Brett Andy]

“If life is like a box of chocolates then I wish I was born in Switzerland.” [Brett Andy]

“I tossed a fortune cookie into a wishing well and instantly created a black hole.” [Brett Andy]

“An item of clothing was in a race with some sports gear the other day. It was a tie.” [Brett Andy]

“I went drag racing the other day, but the heels made pushing the pedals really tricky.” [Brett Andy]

“I wonder if Scottish men at nudist beaches walk around wearing underpants?” [Brett Andy]

So today i was on a semi long-distance trip and penned a couple of new brett andy’s – usually i try them out on facebook/twitter first before i see what people really like, but these have never been viewed before and so i would really appreciate it if you would take a minute to mention if any of them make you smile or laugh or silently chortle…

“As I finished sewing up the incision, there was a moment of panic as I thought I’d left the scalpel inside Mr Jenkins. Then a wave of relief swept over me as I remembered that I’m not a surgeon, I’m the janitor.” [Brett Andy]

“I dressed up as a skeleton for Halloween, but then ended up staying at home cos I had no body to go with me.” [Brett Andy]

“As the news came to me that I’d been given the death penalty, I thought to myself, “These new soccer rules are becoming a little extreme.” [Brett Andy]

“ “I’m Thor!” He shouted again. But no-one seemed to be paying much attention. Curse that wretched lisp!” [Brett Andy]

“I’ve always wondered if it is white with black stripes, or black with white stripes. Which was pretty strange because I was looking at a giraffe at the time.” [Brett Andy]

“ “Out, Out, damned spot!” cried Lady Macbeth. But still the mutt refused to budge.” [Brett Andy]

“ “2B or not 2B?” pondered Hamlet, as he contemplated his opening move in Battleships.” [Brett Andy]

“After watching the cricket for five days, I thought, “I’ve got to get me a more interesting bug.” [Brett Andy]

“My wife asked me to turn the kettle on, so I looked at it and said, “Hey baby. How you doin?” [Brett Andy]

“That’s the last time I play Blackjack with Mike Tyson.”

so this list of new brett andy’s came out pretty quickly after the last one but mostly courtesy of two eight hour driving trips to the wild goose fest and back and i think as a whole this is a pretty decent collection, but which one or two stand out for you as the really funny ones [if any]?

“Pay a R10 fine or take a chance,” my girlfriend read aloud off the Monopoly card. “Okay,” I said, “Those jeans make you look fat.” [Brett Andy]

“My boxing opponent worked me into the corner of the ring and then wildly rained down blow upon blow, beating me into a bloody and disfigured mess. As I finally slumped to the canvas I had to smile though, because a ring doesn’t have a corner.” [Brett Andy]

“I fell in love with a magnet once, but looking back I’m really not sure what attracted me to it.” [Brett Andy]

“As the judge pronounced me guilty and the guard snapped the handcuffs on and led me away, I had to stifle a chuckle, because no-one had noticed the ‘Get out of jail free’ card I had concealed in my back pocket.” [Brett Andy]

“As I pitched my tent, I thought to myself, ‘This is one of the weirdest games of baseball I have ever played.'” [Brett Andy]

“I have a friend who dabbles in the magical arts. She has an identical sister and it’s hard to tell which witch is witch.” [Brett Andy]

“My mom was an avid brothmaker and any time I swore as a kid she would wash my mouth out with soup.” [Brett Andy]

“I reckon I can forgive that evil scientist who injected me with advanced memory serum, but I will NEVER forget!” [Brett Andy]

“I think it was lifting that baby cow onto the farm truck all by myself that caused me to strain my calf muscle.” [Brett Andy]

“I opened a jar of salad dressing the other day. A tomato screamed “Do you mind?” at me before slamming the lid closed.” [Brett Andy]

“My waitress asked me for a tip the other day. I told her to avoid Ben Affleck movies.” [Brett Andy]

brett andy to vote round 7

so once upon a time there was a guy called jack handey who wrote some classic mostly one liners which were funny and random and sometimes both all at once… this inspired me to try my own and we are on the seventh round of voting – so if any of these make you smile or laugh or think about laughing really loudly then please let me know in a comment which ones do it for you…

“Instead of a regular air-bag in your car, how about a whoopee-cushion bag? The melodic farting sound as you have an accident sending out the message that we’re going to have as much fun with this thing as possible.” [Brett Andy]

“At the Beer-and-Chess festival everything was going well until I took a stranger’s castle.” [Brett Andy]

“My parents sent me to improve classes to try get me to come out of my shell, but it didn’t work. The paper mache interior was just too warm and inviting for me to want to leave.” [Brett Andy]

“As I threw my dart straight at the bulls eye I suspected my day at the rodeo might be ending prematurely.” [Brett Andy]

“I went fly-fishing the other day for the first time. I was a complete failure. I still need to figure out how to keep the bait in the air long enough to interest them.” [Brett Andy]

“I took two sheep and a goat to Wall Street but no-one wanted to trade with me.” [Brett Andy]

“I bought an old dog and quickly taught him a new trick. Now I’m scared I may have peaked.” [Brett Andy]

“The other day I was so embarrassed when I went up to a total stranger in the shops and congratulated her on her pregnancy. Turns out he wasn’t.” [Brett Andy]

“I think the real question we should be asking is WHY did the chicken cross the road?” [Brett Andy]

“If a T-Rex ever got into a fight with a man, who would win? Answer: The man. Did I mention it was an intellectual fight?”

“It’s time the world started being a little more sensitive and honouring the fact that maybe Wally is just wanting some alone time away from us all.” [Brett Andy]

“Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa & Po recently swore off technology & each lost around 120 pounds of weight. Now no-one knows what to call them.” [Brett Andy]

“If you’re Happy and you know it, there’s probably a dwarven mining axe somewhere with your name on it.” [Brett Andy]

and if you want to see the full list of brett andy’s head along to http://brettandy.wordpress.com for the rest of them…

brett andy to vote round VI

well, by now you know the drill… written a bunch of one liners and want to know which of them, if any, you really like so if any of these made you smile, laugh or need to change some item of clothing please leave a comment and let me know which ones:

“How did the first person figure out it’s not okay to look at the Medusa’s snake hair and still be able to warn other people?” [Brett Andy]

“It’s better to have loved and lost than to have had a javelin go straight through your kneecap from behind because you inadvertently crossed the athletics field without paying enough attention because you were busy wondering why the only distinguishing feature between pacman and ms pacman is a ribbon.” [Brett Andy]

“If I ever become president of this country, the first thing I’ll do is order an attack on France, so we can claim toast-naming rights.” [Brett Andy]

A jar of black cat peanut butter fell off the shelf at the local supermarket and slowly rolled across my path. I’ve been experiencing really small doses of bad luck ever since.” [Brett Andy]

“If there’s one thing the bubonic plague and kwashiorkor have taught us, it’s to come up with easier to spell names for our diseases.” [Brett Andy]

“As I watched the jelly wobbling about on my spoon, it made me want to laugh. Then it made me stop and contemplate life. Then I remembered I left my car lights on.” [Brett Andy]

“I hope that one day we can also name the less aggressive forms of driver emotion such as road ambivalence or road empathy.” [Brett Andy]

“I think the story of Hansel and Gretel teaches us that it’s okay to push old people into ovens, but only if they first tried to eat you.” [Brett Andy]

“I was asked to leave the spinning class at the gym because I kept knocking people off their bikes with my wildly flailing arms.” [Brett Andy]

“”As I slowly moved my piece across the board, I quietly but firmly declared, “I think that’s checkmate!” Since then, my gran has refused to do jigsaw puzzles with me any more.” [Brett Andy]

“All I’m saying, Superman, is a couple more seconds in that phone booth, just to make sure. Your enemies are bound to take you that much more seriously once you sort out that little underwear-on-the-outside problem you got going there.” [Brett Andy]

so i haven’t been blogging here much lately – largely it’s because tbV and i have been doing transcription work for the HSRC which takes up a lot of our time and involves a bigger lot of typing – listening to interviews on audio and typing them out and some of them are not very clear so it’s a lot of focus and listening and scribing and so i guess i get a bit overtyped by the end of the day [i’m writing this at the beginning of the day thus defeating it before it begins… but i do hear it stirring in the background… so please keep it down, sh…]

the one thing i have been doing has been trying to increase my collection of brett andy one liners inspired by jack handey much funnier one liners – you can take a look at these over here – http://brettandy.wordpress.com – and i am gradually adding the ones i’ve already come up with as well as trying to come up with new ones – possibly the top three popular ones thus far have been:

“I HAD A FLEA CIRCUS ONCE AND THE FLEAS WERE INSANELY TALENTED IN A WHOLE VARIETY OF DIFFERENT ACTS. BUT IT WAS THE NEIGHBOUR’S DOG WHO STOLE THE SHOW.” [ BRETT ANDY]

“I WOULD IMAGINE A HORSE DRAWN CARRIAGE WOULD BE A REALLY UGLY THING. WITH HOOVES IT MUST BE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO GRIP A PENCIL FOR STARTERS AND THEN THERE IS ALL THAT FINE DETAIL AROUND THE EDGES TO CONSIDER.” [BRETT ANDY]

and my latest:

“DO YOU THINK IF MINUTES WERE EDIBLE, THEY’D TASTE GOOD ENOUGH THAT WE’D WANT TO GO BACK FOR SECONDS?” [BRETT ANDY]

the blog page is still starting up and i need a lot more people to see it so please feel free to share the link on twitter, facebook etc or just send people one that you like – you can go directly there by clicking here or here, but not here. No, definitely not that last one.

and then a mixture of trusting God and doing everything we can do to get everything sorted for our simple way journey to live and work and minister in an inner city area in philadelphia with shane claiborne and friends… we have found someone to take our lease over [tick] but the big one is figuring out which visa to get and getting it and then we have air tickets to get, cars to sell, varsity loan to pay, and taking car of our stuff… so a busy 6 or so weeks…

the transcription work ends at the end of the first week of may and then i am hoping to dive wholeheartedly into finishing my book, but also be back more here and hopefully coming up with even funnier brett andys.

have a day.

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