How to Lose a Friend in Ten Ways – part Rudely Excited

Hm, this is a bit of a difficult one as i think i only know one person who does this. And it’s me!

But maybe you know someone else. And i think i’m getting better although it does take a lot of work.

Did you ever know someone who interrupted you when you were speaking purely because they were so excited about what they had to say [as opposed to intentionally wanting to interrupt or anything] and in my case quite possibly also because of the likelihood of me forgetting what it is before i get my chance.

But it’s rude. And i’m guilty. And as i said i’ve been getting better at not interrupting or catching myself halfway through as i do, but there is still work to be done.

i believe the underlying belief with this one is that what i have to say is more important than what you have to say. i have this idea that is so great, that it can’t wait and needs to be expressed now. How terrible is that? Anyone, besides me, coming to mind?

And i don’t think that in the moment you are sitting there thinking, “Man, this thing i thought of to say is better than anything else going on here” but that is kind of the message that gets sent. It probably ties in a little bit with the not properly listening one although in my case i think it is usually triggered by something someone says and so i want to respond straight away instead of waiting my turn.

i can only imagine how frustrating that must be to the one being interrupted and i’m sorry. But this is another one that needs to be worked at and stopped altogether. One solution i’ve found that works is holding a finger up to remind me that i have something to say and it usually reminds me of what it is i want to say as well. But then making sure i let the person finish speaking completely before jumping in. And continue to listen and engage well with what they are saying.

What other habits do you see in your friends worth writing a post about to warn those who may not be aware that they do it? What irritates you the most about bad habits people have that cause you to be wary of befriending them?

[For the next part in this series looking at being Late and ticking ‘Maybe’ to FB events]

How to Lose a Friend in Ten Ways – part Just Me

So far we’ve looked at the Early Responder and the Planner Aheader as two types of friends that should really look at upping their game, and this third habit is right up there.

Did you ever know someone who spoke about themself. Like always. Like non-stop. Incessantly? i knew someone like that and it quickly became quite tiring. You spend an hour with your friend and realise that you’ve only said five sentences? That the person spoke for forty minutes non-stop and then turned the conversation to something about you and within a minute had sequed it back to being something about them. Or segwayed as i like to say. They totally segwayed it back to being about them…

And about as exciting, incidentally. While it is important and worthwhile and good to hear about your friend, it can be a bit much if it is always about them, all the time.

How about you? Know anyone like this? Found any remedy for it or do you just spend less time with them unless you just want to be alone with someone else present?

[For the next part looking at someone so excited they interrupt, click here]

How to Lose a Friend in Ten Ways – part Planning Ahead

LISTEN FIRST

A slightly more subtle one, which i have found myself guilty of, is composing an answer or response while the person is speaking [to give once they are finished] instead of giving them your full attention.

While this is not [to me] as bad as responding before someone has finished, this also shows a less than complete interest in what the person you are talking to is saying to you. It also suggests that you know what they are going to say rather than giving them the opportunity to surprise you or misdirect or story twist or anything like that.

It’s lazy. And it’s less than fully loving. And if you want to be a better friend and this is something you do, then you should stop.

I have found it really is about focus and being intentional. i find i tend to slip into this more when i am tired and so often it’s just a case of knowing when to dive into a deep conversation or when it might be better to postpone it til another time when you can be more focused.

So not a game changer i don’t think. Just something that if you do it you need to work on. But how about you? Have you ever found yourself doing this? Have you suspected someone else of doing it to you? How strongly do you feel about this?

[For the one about that friend that always speaks only about themselves, click here]

How to Lose a Friend in Ten Ways – part Early Responder

This is a tough one for me. i feel like i can probably get over whatever other friend-losing behaviours i share after this one, but this one just feels so incredible rude, that i would struggle.

Immediate downgrade to acquaintance or person-i-walk-away-from-quickly-when-i-see-you-heading-my-way feels fair. Does that seem too harsh? Maybe you’ve never known someone who does it.

i am thinking of one person in particular. Really nice person. Quality. And so a number of years ago we hung out for coffee because i thought she would be someone it would be nice to get to know better.

It happened once and i did an internal double-take, but dismissed it as an accident or a misreading on my part.

But then it happened again. And again. And once more. Crisis! 

i was telling a story and halfway through each sentence, before i got to the point or the punchline or anything significant, she would respond… before the moment of response. Wait? You’re agreeing with me before i’ve given my point of view. You’re “I know!”ing and i haven’t even got to the part you might or might not know?

i imagine that if you’ve never had this happen to you, you may have no idea what i am talking about and great for you. If you do and have, you will be nodding your head vociferously and possibly letting out a long sigh.

If you are someone who does this,  i don’t even imagine you know. Surely you can’t. It has to be just a really bad habit, right.

But it is a game changer for me. Because it shows that you are not listening to me. Which shows that you don’t care about what i’m saying or that you are not interested in what i am talking about.

So the skill you need to work on is listening. Listen better and it will make you a good friend. This is probably something all of us need to practice to different degrees and it can never hurt. And maybe if you are brave enough you will ask three of your friends how good a listener they think you are.

Is it just me? Or has anyone else out there also come into contact with an Early Responder? And how serious was it for you? Is this something you would ever tell someone they do?

[For the next part on planning an answer before they have finished talking, click here]