Taboo Topics: Infertility [Intro]

this is the third in my series of Taboo Topics that I am tackling and the topic this time around is INFERTILITY

the idea of Taboo Topics is to take a topic that is very real [and often raw and painful, perhaps embarrassing or just difficult to speak about] but which no one, for various reasons, is speaking a lot about and to invite people who have had experience in that area to share their stories and perhaps offer some encouragement or advice to others who have experienced or are currently dealing with the same thing.

a lot of people suffer or struggle in silence and because no-one is speaking/writing about these things it can feel like you are along in it and are the only one and that no-one else can even begin to understand or appreciate what you are going through. and while each situation is different i think that often someone who has gone through the same type of situation is a lot more able to speak life, truth and encouragement or else able to simply cry/scream/wail in a language you completely understand.

so these are real stories of real people and for the most part people who have been brave enough to share their names and contact details [or are largely open to you being linked to them via me]

for people desperately wanting to start a family, the topic of INFERTILITY can be a huge and difficult one – some of the people who shared stories in the ADOPTION topic spoke about this already, and here are some other stories of brave people who have decided to speak up in the hope that their struggles, frustrations, questions, pain and hope can speak into the lives of others.

i really hope this blog series will be a light at the end of that dark tunnel for a lot of you. if you know of someone who you think will benefit from hearing the stories that follow, please feel free to cut and paste/tweet/share/link/email, whatever it takes to let them know that these stories are here.

you are not alone. there is a light. and there are many people who have walked this road and are walking it and will offer you support where you are on it.

to read some helpful words from Steve Wiens who really seems to get it, click here

to read Wendy and Richard’s story, click here

to read Bettina’s story, click here

to read Melanie and Willem’s story, click here

Taboo Topics: Adoption – meet Philippa and Emiel

this is from my good friends, Philippa [who i met online when i was overseas] and Emiel [who i met back home years ago] who somehow met each other and got happily married [which is a great story and i don’t think i had anything to do with it]:

“We are the family waiting (not so patiently) to adopt”

My name is Philippa and I am married to my hero Emiel. We are the proud parents of Alexander and Beatrice and we are waiting longingly for our baby/babies.

For as long as I can remember adoption has been a huge part of my thinking. As children my siblings and I would beg my parents to adopt. We wanted another sibling, but not just any sibling, a special one, a chosen one. I have grown up in church so I imagine somehow, somewhere I was taught that or it was something God wrote on my heart. When I was 19 my parents adopted a really ill 9month old baby girl. It was her 10th birthday two weeks ago. She is a gift to my family. God has used her so many times to teach faith, hope and His unconditional love. She is a sparkly, happy, gorgeous little girl who we are all grateful for.

Our adoption story goes as follows: it has yet to begin. We’re in a unique situation in that we are South Africans living in Japan. If we’d been in South Africa the process would already have started, but for South African’s living abroad adoption of South African children becomes an international adoption governed by the law of the country you live in. We have started investigating this, which means we’ve sent e-mails and not received responses or received negative responses from organizations and international adoption lawyers in South Africa. International adoption is tricky. We have also started investigating other countries including Japan.

Adoption is not a whim or fancy and I don’t think I can fully explain the longing in my heart. It is not our desire to simply complete our family, but rather to be obedient to what God has called us to do. And through the process He teaches us, mould us, grows us. And God wants us to be doing something for the countless children that may never know love, He wants us, His people to love them. There are so many children, orphaned or abandoned facing a life unimaginable and that is not acceptable to God and should not be acceptable to us.

We have experienced 3 pregnancies. The first didn’t last past 7 weeks and the second two both had miracle factors. We have known to cry out, to pray, to wait and ultimately to trust that God would carry us through. I feel much like a pregnant woman trusting on God’s perfect timing!

“This Love” by Mandi Mapes 2010

I’ve never felt this way before
funny how you found you’re way to my door
and suddenly my prayers are coming true
and these arms are not letting go of you

this love this love is the deep kind
you’re my baby, you’re my sunshine
I’ll hold your hand, be your biggest fan
and I’ll love you all of the time

our eyes are not quite the same shade
and your hair blows in the wind a different way
but I am your mother and
I love you just the same
so I’ll take your hand honey
and you can take my name

my heart has been redeemed,
adopted and now I know my Father
this grace that I’ve received
I want to show you
I want to show you

this love this love is the deep kind
it hangs on through the storm and the sunshine
I’ll hold your hand, be your biggest fan
and I’ll love you all of the time

Thanks B
Much love
Philippa and Emiel

Taboo Topics: Adoption – meet Jackie Barker

This is a powerful testimony from my friend Jackie who was adopted:

It was never a secret that I was adopted. Both my brother and I were told before we even fully knew what it meant – and so was never a big deal. But that’s where it ended. We were never told any more than that – and so growing up I had no knowledge of my birth parents and had no wish to ever find out… when friends or teachers found out that I was adopted that immediate question which followed was, “So are you going to find your mother?” and my response was always, “No. She gave me away – she means nothing to me.”

But then in the beginning of my Grade 9 year everything changed. In looking for some documents I stumbled across my file – the file that had all the info about who she was and who he was and what my original name was and and and… and I freaked out. This person who had meant nothing to me suddenly became a real flesh and blood woman with feelings and a story and the line that killed me – “Tracy wanted her daughter to know that she gave her up because she loved her.” I remember running to the bathroom and crying until I had no more tears. This woman I had so casually and callously brushed aside was a real person who was living out there and who had made a massive sacrifice for me! I secretly made a copy of the file which I hid and read every so often.

I didn’t tell my folks for over a year. I grew up in a very loving, albeit broken family. My parents divorced when I was young, so grew up mostly with my mom and stepdad who are both incredibly wonderful special people. My mom however found it very painful that she couldn’t have children, and so while we always knew we were adopted, any suggestion of the topic or that we weren’t ‘fully’ hers was a very sensitive subject. I managed to keep the secret of the file for about a year, until I finally told her. It was an unpleasant evening to say the least. I knew that I had hurt her by saying that I wanted to find my birth mother, but it was something I needed to do. I hated it. My mom graciously said that it was fine; she just wanted me to wait until I was eighteen, and then she would give her consent and blessing.

My eighteenth birthday came at a very tense time in the middle of my Matric Finals. I think this pushed things over the edge and when I brought up the topic (as delicately as I could) I was harshly shut down, and so I left it.

My brother however did no such thing. Being older than I was he could do it without consent and went through the whole process, telling no one but me. In doing so he met the social worker who worked at the orphanage we came from who told him, “I didn’t facilitate your adoption, but I did your sister. I still have contact with her birth mother so if she’s looking; tell her to come straight to me”. This was torturous information – I was so close, yet without my mom’s consent, so far. I knew she would give the consent if I pushed, but also understood the pain that it was causing her, so decided to wait until I was 21.

When I did go through with it finally, I was blessed that it was a very positive experience. Tracy and I met at the orphanage I came from, and ended up talking for about 5 hours straight. She was nineteen when I was born, and I really was the result of a one-night-stand, that in her ignorance at that age she had thought was more. Since there was no chance of any relationship, Tracy had decided to give me up for adoption so that I could be raised in a full family. She herself came from a very close knit family and so believed it was important. She also felt it she was too young to manage to raise a child. I do not in any way begrudge her for this – because of her I have the most wonderful mom in the world, and belong to a wonderful family. She had truly given me a wonderful gift. We remain very close friends and I see her often.

I decided I had to tell my mom though, and so did so as delicately as I could. Unfortunately my brother had decided to break the news about his search results at a similar time – and not so delicately. This was extremely hurtful for my mom, and so I broke contact with Tracy to give my mom some time to adjust to the news, and then slowly re-initiated contact. My mom has come to peace with this more and more especially as she has grown on her walk with God. She and Tracy have met, as well as further members of Tracy’s family. They were all at my wedding and in fact my blood grandmother actually did the flowers for my wedding – it was extremely special.

On the other side – I also traced my blood father with the name Tracy had given to me. It was a very bizarre experience as he was a top-notch business man, and so when we met it felt a whole lot like a business transaction. We had a fair relationship over business-like lunches and emails, but I never met or spoke to any of his family. He sadly passed away end of last year from a stroke which I found extremely painful, as I suppose I had hoped for more. What was worse was that because it was sudden and unexpected I only found out about it because I followed my half-sister on facebook without her knowledge of who I was. It was a great sadness for me that I never got to meet my half siblings – a girl and a boy, both a couple of years younger than I was. In his passing I gave up hope of ever knowing or meeting with them and spent many hours in prayer about this pain and this unclosed area in my life. It was interesting in reading in your other adoption story the fact that James knows he has half-siblings out there, but has no way of finding them. It’s a strange thing that there is a connection there whether you like it or not. I care for my half-siblings a great deal even though I haven’t met two of them. It was hard too that I didn’t even have the full details surrounding my father’s death and was unable to attend the funeral and all this was very painful for me. I came up with all sorts of crazy reasons and ways in my head how I could stumble upon his family, revealing who I am – but knew that it would be wrong – and so ultimately just entrusted it to God thinking that it was the end and was praying that God would give me the peace I needed.

And then about two months back my half-sister wrote me a message on facebook saying that she had found out who I was and wanted to start a conversation – I couldn’t believe it! I hadn’t thought he had even told his wife about my existence, but apparently he had! This meant a huge amount to me because it also meant that I was important enough to him that he told his wife about me. I really hadn’t expected that he had. God was so good to me. We have now chatted on and off, and she has even suggested meeting which I look forward to in nervous anticipation. I’m so grateful that God allowed me to have these answers and receive this kind of closure – far beyond my wildest dreams.

Be blessed Brett.
J

Taboo Topics: Adoption – meet Jane and Mike

My husband mike and I decided to start a family at the beginning of last year and so I went off contraception and we started trying. We assumed it would be quick and easy, because we have only heard stories of people falling pregnant quickly – even in the first or second month, and with no complications. And so the first month or two we weren’t worried, we enjoyed the excitement of getting ready to become a family and waiting to see whether or not my period would come. But after six months I started to feel down. I was seeing pregnant women and babies EVERYWHERE, friends who weren’t even sure if they wanted babies yet were falling pregnant, and we were waiting. And waiting. And waiting. I felt more pressure to get it right, more pressure to succeed, but I didn’t know how to do it any better. And so we would try and inevitably fail month after month. I couldn’t understand how God could allow me to struggle with this when he knew how much I wanted to be a mother and how Mike and I longed for a family. I had to do a lot of soul searching (why do I want to be a mother so bad? If I never fall pregnant will I still love God? Do I trust God with the plans for my life?), and often I would spend worship time at church crying, willing myself to believe the words people sang with abandon. God is faithful, He is true, He fulfills his promises, He gives and takes away. For the first time in my life I had to ask myself if I REALLY believed that.

Before this time Mike and I had always talked about adopting, and after a year of trying for a baby the niggles in my brain (what about adoption?) became more persistent. We went to the gynaecologist to see that everything was all right and found out I have polycystic ovaries which means that we are not sure of when my egg is released and it is therefore harder to conceive because we do not know when I’m ovulating. This does not mean I can’t fall pregnant, but it does mean that it can take longer than normal. My gynae then gave us the option; keep trying naturally or go on medication to assist us. What a blow to my self-esteem! You keep thinking “what if I’m the reason we are not falling pregnant?” And then you find out – it is you, there is something wrong with your body. I felt so guilty, felt to blame in some part for the reason why we had ‘wasted’ a year trying for a baby. I had to come to terms with the fact that I could not control a hormonal imbalance in my body, and that it wasn’t my fault. That God loved me through this all, and that this was a blessing in disguise because by knowing what was wrong we could go ahead.

It was at this point that Mike reminded me again of our wish to adopt at some stage in life. We could keep trying and use medication to help, but if we were serious about adoption, why not go ahead with it now? We could try to conceive a sibling at a later stage because we now knew the obstacles we faced. And so, in March this year, we spent a weekend away talking, praying, crying (ok, that was mostly me) and setting aside all our doubts. We asked the questions that had been casting shadows in our minds: What if we don’t love them as much as a biological child? What if nature is stronger than nurture? What if our family or friends don’t support us? What if, what if, what if? But with every fear said in the open, peace descended and we realized that although a little bit of fear is good, we serve a God who can overcome every obstacle and redeem every situation. And so, petrified and excited, we made the decision to adopt.

And since that moment a lightness has fallen over me. I feel that the year of trying that we went through was a journey I had to take to grow in the knowledge of God and in trusting His ultimate plan for me. I believe that if we had adopted last year we would not have been given the baby God has in store for us, for they were not born yet! I believe that the pain I felt has been redeemed with hope, and I understand with a peace that transcends understanding that this is my journey. I am a mother, and my child is on its way. It’s just in someone else’s stomach. And I cannot wait to be a Mom. I absolutely love and adore my child. I don’t know what they look like or where they come from, but I cannot wait to find out who they are and to shower them with kisses and cuddles. And so, after finishing our screening through our adoption agency, we wait. And we get ready to start the next chapter in our lives together – Mom and Dad!

[Jane and Mike Hampton]

[To jump forward two years and hear some words from Jane and Mike since adopting, click here]

Taboo Topics: Adoption – meet Tyron and Caraleigh

Hey Brett

Thanks for the opportunity to share on your “Taboo Topics” series in regards to adoption. This is our story thus far:

Myself and Caraleigh decided to pursue adopting Andrew around mid-Jan 2012. We are currently waiting for the adoption to be finalised. This is a process that requires much patience & prayer, but it’s looking really good so far, even better than normal cases for some ‘God-intervening’ reasons I’m sure. In the meantime we have been allowed to be the legal guardians of Andrew since 9 Feb 2012, and he is indefinitely in our care until all the paperwork gets sorted.

I would start off by saying that this wasn’t part of the plan. We never looked to adopt, but rather it seems that God looked to us to adopt. I do remember a conversation when myself and Caz were dating (maybe 7-8 years ago) where she mentioned being open to adopt (while I silently prayed that we’d never cross that road, ha ha). Recently, in our marriage, Caz resigned to a part-time post as an Occupational Therapist to pursue establishing a home of safety for abused and abandoned children (checkout http://www.nthandohome.co.za), something I assumed was the ‘manifestation’ of her ‘want to’ adopt or to help the vulnerable – I was wrong.

In the inevitable networking that occurred while Caz pursued establishing the home of safety she linked up with another home of safety nearby that creates an opportunity for community involvement by letting families take children home during the Christmas holidays to relieve the staff for that period. We signed up to do this mainly because Caz loves this type of ministry, and I was open because we were/are very open to starting our own family soon and what better way to get a taste of what it’s like?

We were fortunate enough to have a wonderful experience (we have friends who did the same who didn’t) with little Asemahle (now, or soon to legally be, Andrew), a 14 month old legend. All the joy parents try to describe to you when you have children proved true – even with the sleeplessness. Many jokes in jest occurred within our church community that we would keep him, all thoughtlessly blown off at the time. Taking him back, understandably, was like someone dying, which we expected and even set a day aside to ‘mourn’.

This is where the story turned. Up to this point we did not know Andrew’s story. Did he have parents? When/where was he born? How long was he at the home? Did he have TB/HIV? Etc. With us both struggling to ‘let go’, we desperately needed to know his situation for our own closure. I assured my wife we would try to find out his story, and that if God desired further involvement from us in his life that we pray He would make this clear to us. I said this knowing that no matter what the story was it would never be good – how could it if we had him for Christmas and his family didn’t? But I assumed or hoped that his being at the home of safety was some temporary arrangement.

We eventually found out his story (difficult when they’d lost his file, and the fact that he did not have a birth certificate, yup!). He was born 10-weeks premature and abandoned at the hospital. Authorities had tried to locate his parents on several occasions with no success. He been staying at the home of safety since Feb 2011, and the first time he’d ever left the home was when we hosted him. And finally, the report in the file declared him eligible for adoption.

If ever one there was an open door, this was it. I admit that personally my initial reaction wasn’t “whoo-hoo” but more like Abraham in Genesis 18:16ff when he repeatedly goes back to God with the whole “May the Lord not be angry but let me speak once more” vibe. Wanting to be the supportive husband I suggested we then go inquire about what an adoption process would entail (hoping this might close the door). We began to go to home affair offices, magistrates, social workers, etc, and doors just kept opening – far easier than they should of according to others we’ve spoken to. During this time we we’re granted permission to have Andrew over on weekends, which we did.

We both did a lot of inward searching, praying, and discussing with people we trust. I’m sure by now you’ve picked up my initial hesitations, admittedly I struggled more with this decision than Caz – but I think necessarily so (rather before than after adoption!). It was important that we not only discern God’s clear will in this opportunity, but that we make the decision to adopt together as a couple, otherwise the potential to blame the other partner becomes huge. An article that helped tremendously was a devotion in John Piper’s “Taste and See” titled “A letter to my wife saying yes to adoption” (pages 57-59) – a must read! Most importantly, I felt, was to have a clear passage of Scripture that you really really really know is from God. God eventually led me to one of my favourite passage in Scripture (which was especially cool) to a verse in Acts 17:
“He determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live” (Acts 17:26)
…that verse carried me, and cemented my faith in the Sovereign hand of God in this process.

I would say that aside from the typical fears of becoming an instant parent, all the concerns around ‘cross-cultural’ adoption (especially being a South African with our past), it was the disapproval of some people we love that was the most difficult thing for me to bear. However, you soon discover that this is not uncommon with other folk who have adopted. Thankfully this really was a small minority compared to the vast and overwhelming support we received by many whose opinions we highly value.

It’s all happened so fast, and everything still seems to be racing ahead, but I have more certainty everyday that we’ve made the right decision (even as we grow increasingly tired as new parents, ha ha). I think what I’ve grown to experience more through this in my relationship with God is how he grows our faith, or confidence, in Him through past experiences (just read the story of Abraham and you see this). What helped tremendously as the process of adoption unfolded was when we reflected on other occasions when our faith was being stretched and to remember his faithfulness in to us on past occasions (Psalm 77 is dripping with this truth). There were times when God closed doors for us even when our motives were right (see Prov. 16:2), and though difficult to accept at the time, we’re now grateful (in hindsight) that he did close them. What occurred to me more clearly is that the God who acted like that toward us in the past would continue to do so now in the present and in the future.

I’ll end with two more things.

First, why we named him Andrew. Erwin McManus tells a story about how he got his name (I think it’s some great German pilot from WW2?), which he despised at the time. He was moving to America with his family and needed an English name. Longing for something normal like ‘John’, his grandfather named him Erwin. What occurred to him later is that his grandfather was urging him not to be ordinary. That story inspired the name Andrew long ago before we met Andrew – it was always going to be the name of my first son (inspired by a radical, not ordinary, follower of Christ that I know, which I hope my son will turn out to be). That’s why we gave it to him. We also kept his original name ‘Asemahle’ as his second, because we want to honour any heritage he brings.

Secondly, and lastly, just a recent journal entry I wrote regarding Andrew (more to show how God has changed my hesitant-heart in this journey):

“Andrew himself…growing so fast! Almost walking. Very strong (physically). Great temperament – very happy child (no signs of trauma). Seems to be accepting us as his ‘parents’. Beginning to mouth sounds. Adjusts very well to environments (e.g. camping). Can roar like a lion. Snores! Can give high fives. Has natural rhythm. Enjoys sitting on my shoulders. Sucks his thumbs (may do this forever). Always wakes up happy in the mornings.
It’s hard to imagine our lives without him…and I don’t want to.”

Regards my bro
Tyron & (in spirit) Caraleigh Otto

Taboo Topics: Adoption – meet James Bradford

i met James at an improv group class i sometimes attend in Philadelphia and he was the first one to jump into sharing his adoption story. even though the story is pretty hectic, it seems like James has somehow come through it really positively without having any major adoption issues. Thankx for sharing, James:

Well basically I’ve known I’m adopted my whole life. It was never some shrouded family secret. In fact the entire process was made very transparent to me as a kid. That’s not to say that I knew all of the darker details until much later.

Essentially the story goes as such: my birth mother, who was relatively young at the time she got pregnant (around 20,) was schizophrenic. She was very naive about sex and wound up in a one night stand situation with a man she hardly knew. When she became pregnant she and her parents went back and forth about whether or not she was going to have the baby. They were a Catholic family and they heavily pressured her to not have an abortion.

Ultimately when I was born my birth mother decided she wanted to keep me. Social workers, however, felt that she was not mentally equipped to raise me. Thus at the age of 2 weeks I was put into a foster home.

I was placed with a family of four who were absolutely wonderful. You often seen foster families depicted as abusive or terrifying, but I lucked out. They became my family for 2 and a half years! What I now know from having unlocked my adoption records is that my birth mother refused to relinquish her parental rights until that time. She was given chance after chance to prove she could be responsible.

It’s really a tragic story on her end. She ended up meeting and marrying a man with whom she conceived another child. He was mentally well, and it seems like she would be able to get custody of me…but then he died suddenly from a blood condition. Now she had not one but two children whom she could not take care of.

The other sad thing is that by the time I as 2 1/2 and her rights *were* fully terminated, my foster family – who had been planning to adopt me all along – realized that their son was developing a problem with cocaine. They felt it would be irresponsible to split their focus on another child, so they allowed another family to adopt me. That’s the family that raised me.

People get very confused, but I always say that I look at it as having three families: my birth family (the woman who actually gave birth to me,) my foster family (who raised me to age 2 1/2) and my adoptive family, IE: they with whom I spent my entire life.
For the first 15 years or so of my life I had very intimate ties to my foster family, often staying with them several times a year for holidays and such.

I don’t have a lot of adoption issues. A lot of adopted people want to know why they were given up, but even before I knew the answer to that later in life I never really wanted to know. I unlocked my adoption record when I was 19 because I wanted to know if there were any medical issues in my family history.

What I found out is that along with the birth half-sibling I mentioned above, my birth mother went on to have two more children later in life who were also taken into the foster system. So in total I have three half siblings out there in the world. That’s sometimes hard for me to think about because I have absolutely no idea how to track them down.

It’s fascinating to me that people consider adoption taboo even in 2012. We should be much more focused on solving the problems within the foster care system than on the weird stigma associated with being adopted!

Taboo Topics: Adoption [Intro]

this series of blog posts has been on my heart and mind for well over a year and i am excited to finally be at the point of getting started on it.

there are a number of incredibly important, life-transforming, heart-breaking life events that happen to huge numbers of people that no-one, or very few people, ever seem to talk publically about – and so for the most part there are hundreds or thousands of people living quietly and alone with their pain or confusion, struggling along as if they are the only ones that have gone through that thing and as if help or advice or at the very least understanding is not freely available.

my hope with ‘Taboo Topics’ is to be able to deal with one of those topics at a time by finding people who have experienced the very thing in question and are brave enough to share their stories and hopefully also offer some insight and advice as to how they managed to get up again, dust themselves off and keep going…

the next topic i am wanting to look at is that of ADOPTION which i know different people have had vastly different experiences with – for some it has been an incredible life-giving experience [either as the adopting parents or as the person who has been adopted] while for others it has been a confusing, frustrating or difficult experience [especially for a lot of people who find out they were adopted and struggle with the emotions that can come into play in terms of the why and with the experience of being able to meet, or not, their birth parents – and also for women who have had to give up their child for adoption for various reasons or else adoptive parents who struggle with their child’s desire to find their birth parents] and so this can be a completely different experience for all those involved.

i have found some people who have been brave enough to share a glimpse into their story and trust that as this series starts more people will come forward to share their stories as most of the stories i have received have been positive celebrationary ones [which is great!] but i know there are people who have really struggled with this issue [both as parents or those who have been adopted] and i would love to be able to share some of those stories with others who may be struggling along in silence.

thank you to everyone who contributes to this and i trust by giving a rarely spoken of topic [although a lot more these days which is great cos with the crisis of orphans we have in many areas of the world it is definitely a solution which should be well considered, especially by the church as God seems to be very fond of orphans]

Meet Philippa and Emiel [waiting to adopt]

Meet Jackie Barker [adopted]

We meet up with Jackie Barker again [and this time she and her husband Tim have adopted]

Read the story of Jane and Mike Hampton [in the process of adopting]

We meet up with Jane and Mike Hampton two years later [Successfully adopted] 

Read the story of James Bradford [adopted]

Meet Tyron and Caraleigh [have adopted]

Meet Mariska de Beer [single mom has adopted]

Meet Corina Spinazzola [Adopted at age 15]