Ten Ways to Love part II: Speak without accusing.

James 1 verse 19-20 says, ‘My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.’

Oh no, why is my hand up again? Anyone else got their hand up in the air for this one? Really not starting so strong there, mister Fish.

Another way to definitively show love to someone is to speak without accusing them. When language like “You always…” or “You never…” creeps into conversations [any by ‘conversations’ i probably mean ‘arguments’ or ‘shouting matches’] then firstly it is quite likely that there is some dishonesty involved [in the emotional intensity of this precise moment when this thing i am accusing you of having done or having neglected is causing me such extreme emotion, i am tempted to try and lay this thing on you as a thing that you never ever get right, which if not true, does not feel particularly fair or loving] and secondly, it usually intensifies the current situation seeking resolution.

I guess one way to do this [and it is not something i am known for getting incredibly right, for sure] is to focus on the problem or the issue rather than the person. If the person you are speaking to then decided to take ownership for the fact that they dropped the ball this time [or even every time if it is true] then it is more likely to get well resolved than if you accuse them and they react to that and perhaps remind you of the time you “always…” or “never…” and that is rarely helpful [as opposed to being really helpful]

what is perhaps tricky with this one is discovering the fine line between accusing someone and challenging someone. in my experience, challenging someone works best when it is a form of accountability that has been invited [altho i still definitely believe there are times to do it when not invited to do so, altho those rarely go really well, but sometimes you can be well surprised and those times are worth it] and the absolute key for that is the phrase “Truth in Love” where you should always lean heavily towards the Love side. [and i see a line of people forming to point out how i have well intentionedly gotten that one crazy wrong as well through my life – fortunately this is not just about me!]

Quick to listen [without interrupting]
Slow to speak
Slow to become angry

Perhaps if we focus on those three points [and i imagine, if they are not things you naturally jump to, that you will have to train yourself over time, maybe writing them down, maybe repeating them as a sort of mantra] we will be a lot closer at getting this thing right. Not being caught up in the emotion of an experience is also something that might be good to work on.

as i speak to you without accusing you, i invite relationship and the taking on of responsibility and a mutual collaboration to work on whatever issue might be presenting itself at this time and that sounds a lot more Love-filled and effective…

may we become better at Love as we embrace this idea and start to see it more at work in our lives.

can anyone relate?

[to move on to the next idea of Giving without sparing, click here]

Pome: On Behalf Of The Human Race…

I thank You, God

For granting an audience

To someone as weak and insignificant as me

I kneel before You

In a futile attempt

To right a millenia of wrongs committed against You

I represent a group of people

Totally unworthy, fully undeserving

Completely unaware and oblivious of their need for me to be here

If the court stenographer will read back the testimony

It will be made clear

That time and time again You have born the brunt

Of false testimony, claiming You were the guilty party

For all manner of unspeakable acts of evil

Disease, Death, War and Famine

All thrown accusingly at You

Accompanied by a menacing, pointing finger

And the strangled screams of, “Why?”

In fact, how often have I been there

Part of the crowd

Adding my voice to the throng?

Or even just the lack of it?

A silent accusation off to the side

Taking it all in

But making no real attempt to voice an objection

Or run to Your defence

“Sometimes the cries were just SO loud.”

But taking out some time

To build up a case

I have been forced into an encounter

Coming face to face with who You really are

Looking beyond the weak Hollywood interpretations

Cartoon caricatures; comical characterisations

Even moving past the weak and off-putting representatives

You have dirtying Your name here down on earth

I finally start to catch a glimpse of the You behind the scenes…

And I know!

September 11 – You were there!

WWII Nazi death camps – You were there!

And in Ethiopia where a vulture picks at a rotting child!

And in Hillbrow as another mugging takes place!

In the belly of the Titanic!

In the local AIDS clinic as yet another baby dies!

Your alibi is shattered!

I have seen Your character. I have tasted who You are.

There is conclusive, overwhelming proof

That YOU, WERE, THERE!!!

…and finally, I see it…

…something I should have known all along…

You couldn’t not be there!!

When that fatal shot is fired; at the moment of impact;

another suicide bomber snatching the lives of those around him.

So You stand in the midst of it all

Taking it all in…

Taking it all on!

You hurt…

You bleed…

Your heart breaks even before the family and the friends whose will follow…

You picked up the battered and twisted bodies

Welcoming some of them home.

You screamed at the horror

The violence!

The pure, unadulterated evil of it all.

You screamed!!!

You wept…

You weep!

And as I stand by the grave side

And watch as they lay my person to rest

And ask, “How could you, God, how could you?”

“How could you take this person from me?”

Suddenly it sinks in

Finally hits home

I start to ‘get’ it

One person I loved with all my heart

One more person You love with all Yours

Another one.

And another.

And another.

And another.

And one more.

Because You have to stand here every day.

And another.

Watching the ultimate consequence of sin.

And another.

Something that should never have happened.

And another.

Who do You get to shout at?

And another.

Where do You point Your accusing finger?

And one more.

God…

“I am sorry!”

I know that can’t mean much.

Doesn’t even begin to start.

But, “I’m Sorry..!”

It’s been true all along,

I know not what I do…