Top Posts of 2014

Here are the top 10 posts from my blog this past year in case you missed some of them or want to share any of them with people you know – thankx for being part of this growing community – hopefully onward and upward in 2015:

[10] How to Save a Marriage [before you need to] – old series but a goodie written by a number of my well-married friends sharing a key idea or principle that they found to be of huge benefit to them.

[9] Let’s talk about Sex – a popular series by a new bloggerist friend i discovered in 2014, Lily Dunn, focusing on some myths aTaboo Topicsbout sex she learned in the church growing up.

[8] An open letter to my White Friends in South Africa and Americaland – i have been following race issues and conversations both here in South Africa and back in Americaland where we were living and here are some thoughts i had.

[7] Living with a Disability – meet Susannah Prinz and Monrovia [Deaf] – Of the very popular ‘Living with Disability’ series i ran under my Taboo Topics banner, this one had so much heart that it touched so many people and continues to.

[6] Married People [and how to maybe do it better] – i have a huge heart for marriage and so this page links to a number of series and posts that have been written to encourage people who are on that journey.

[5] Taboo Topics – Possibly the tab on my blog i am most proud of as there are a lot of stories bravely shared on a whole host of topics seldom spoken about in church and beyond – such as losing a baby, infertility, singleness and our most recent topic of addiction.

[4] I Kissed Dating [the parts] – a whole lot of posts on different aspects of dating.

[3] Taboo Topics: Singleness – When i first posted this i was pleasantly surprised by just how popular it is – having posted a few more stories with such different perspectives on Singleness this year it once again shot to near the top of the most popular of pieces.

[2] Taboo Topics: Living with Disabilities: Meet Uel Maree [Spinal Cord Injury – diving accident] – My friend Uel is a legend who had an unfortunate accident and yet continues to inspire, look out for others and make the most out of life – more than 3000 people viewed and shared this story and it continues to inspire.

And finally, the number 1 post on Irresistibly Fish in 2014 was;

[1] Marriage through the Years – this stunning series was created by friends of mine married for from 1 year all the way to 45 years, sharing some wisdom and struggles from their journeys to hopefully inspire and encourage others on theirs.

So there you have it – top ten posts on my blog in terms of how many people viewed them – which one was yours? And was there possibly a favourite you had that didn’t make this list? please feel free to share this with anyone you know who may benefit from one of these posts and series.

And let’s see what 2015 has in store for us. Hope you are anticipating a deeply significant year with me…

the Friday FANatic 19/12/2014

Another week has passed and there has once again been a LOT going on and this time i have the most varied round-up from the few weeks i have been running the Friday FANatic so far. I hope you enjoy and would love to hear of anything you feel i might have missed from this list:

MOST LIKELY TO BE AGREED ON:

i took the race/reconciliation conversations on my blog a few steps back to try and find a starting place that most people would be able to acknowledge: Just Say, “It’s Not Okay!”

MOST VULNERABLE:

My friend from Oakland, Amanda Kuehn, shares a glimpse into her current story of Singleness for the Taboo Topics section on my blog.

MOST DREAD-FILLED:

i had a fun encounter concerning my dreads, with a woman at a local car park the other day.

MOST RISKY AND POTENTIALLY HELPFUL:

The invitation to wear another person’s shoes and argue a point based on their point of view, has so far led to some interesting and frustrating response:

Can you Wear The Other’s Shoes?

MOST SILLY AND LIGHT FUN:

Guy randomly narrates peoples lives in various public places and their reactions are great:

 

MOST UNSETTLING:

Lawrence Otis Graham speaks about the need he feels to dress his boys a certain way so that they will be safer from the police in Americaland:

MOST BRAVE FOR LETTING ME WRITE FOR THEM:

New friend, Trevor Swart, invited for me to guest post on his ‘Swart Donkey’ blog on the topic of learning:

Learning and Relearning: Steps to a United Future

COMPETITION FOR MOST AWKWARD:

Was it this guy [Toronto Maple Leafs goalie Jonathan Bernier] who played sport for an event honouring Nelson Mandela while clearly confused about who this “great sportsman on and off the field” actually was?

Or these guys who were caught harrassing women on the street when their moms volunteered to get involved:

FROM THE TWITTERER:

Hashtag Game suggestions i’ve submitted:

#FilmPrequels The Sound of Instruments being tuned.

#XmasIn5Words Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Socks?

#DentistSchmovies Drill Bill

#AuthorAMovie The Virginia Woolf of Wall Street

#AuthorAMovie Look Whose Tolkien

#AuthorAMovie Arthur Conan Doyle the Barbarian

What about you? What blog posts or articles caught your eye this week? What has been making you think or laugh or be challenged or go, ‘Wo!’? What have you written on your blog that is worth taking a look at?

Leave us a link in the comments for our weekendentertainment…

Taboo Topics: Addiction – Parent of two addict sons struggling with alcohol and drugs

I am the mother of two addict sons and I choose to remain anonymous both to protect them and myself from the judgement of those who do not understand.  I am writing this because I feel there needs to be an awareness of the perception many people have of addicts. My sons are not drop down drunk homeless people who the world sadly throws away. They are contributing members of society who have been very successful in their fields of work. In fact they are amazing young men who have both been emotionally abused by a distant  father and have had to grow up in difficult circumstances. They had to deal with adult issues when they were very young. This being said they never blame their past for their present condition. They are brave warriors who have found solace in substances that medicate away their pain. If you saw them you would not suspect that they are addicts, like many others they have been held prisoner by substances that at times have made their lives feel near to normality.

In my very darkest hours, when my sanity was slipping, I wondered if my sons actually knew the extent of my pain or was the abundance of theirs sucking the life out of them. I have wondered if I would ever feel the freedom of joy again and the release of the sorrow that stayed contained in me. I have spent so many nights tossing and turning in the bitter darkness with toxic thoughts consuming my sleep. Even the small hours brought no relief. I have had so much fear mount within me and there have been times when I would rather hide out in the plains of forgetfulness than enter the real world. I have told myself that my own sanity is at stake and knowing all the details of their addiction would surely destroy me. I have come so close to the precipice of my mind and just one step would throw me into the place of madness.

The growing feeling of doom has ambushed me when the nights where too long and the days were tormented. I have felt pain in my entire body right down to the sinew. I have even played out their deaths many times in my mind, the tears stung my eyes and the devastation was raw. Even the imagined  words of condolence rang like agony in my mind, but the sorrow has always spoken of my utter admiration for them. Speaking out my pain has brought intense grief, unwanted grief. It has been a road that only held sorrow and I never wanted anyone to know the pain that consumed me daily.

I admire the courage that made my sons survivors even in the most desperate times. There was always a faint flickering of hope within me even when my mind was full of them and their struggle with addiction. I would like to erase the dark part where the nightmare of addiction began.

I recall them as vibrant children, full of life, playing with their friends and I long to go back and erase the troubled past.

It has been incredibly difficult for me to watch them come close to destroying their lives and be robbed of their joy.  I have had to seek my own wise counsel to overcome my pain.

 My journey has taken me into the rooms of both AA and Nar anon where I found gracious, non-judgemental heroes who have turned their lives and wills over to their Higher Power. Some of my Christian friends had an adverse response to  a “Higher Power” statement because it is too loose a name for a mighty Saviour, yet I have heard stories of addicts on the precipice of death being rescued by God (some call Him God).

In those rooms I have seen brave,  wounded souls with so much pain tell their stories. I have glimpsed some of the torment and bondage that is addiction. The people I met there are true warriors who faced their own inner darkness in order to find serenity. It is a place where I truly believe an addict can find serenity. Sadly the Churches  I have known do not offer a solution, they oftentimes ladle out more shame and “out” the addicts. On my journey I have also come across writings and blogs by addicts either in recovery or seekers of recovery. I have used both the 12 steps and these insightful writings to discover a serenity of my own. I am thankful to those who are brave enough to share their stories, to stare down the demon of addiction and help me to not feel alone on this cold planet. A blog that has been very helpful to me has been soberboots.com.

The one thing I have had to do in my own recovery is to let go of my sons both physically and emotionally, even though it felt as though my heart had been ripped out. My first step being  that I admitted that “I am powerless over the addict and that my life became unmanageable”!

I did get an incredible sense of relief when I realised and acknowledged that the God of the Universe is actually in control and I could at last surrender my life and my will to Him. I have also come to believe that He can restore my sanity.

Brennan Manning a lifelong alcoholic who spent his entire life ferociously battling the demon of addiction was uncomfortably transparent about his weaknesses and failures. This made him a prime candidate to teach us something of God’s scandalous grace. Many addicts that have crashed and burned and as a result have come to terms with their own powerlessness can teach us something about God’s grace that many wouldn’t have known otherwise.

Even in spite of the pain I wouldn’t change my sons for the world. They are my heroes and my reason to keep pursuing the scandalous grace of my Saviour.

[For other stories of people struggling with addiction, click here]

the question you’ve been dreading

my name is brett “Fish” anderson and i have dreads.

“Hi, Brett”

or something like that.

it’s been three years now and probably not a lot longer and i am super grateful to my beautiful wife Val [tbV] for setting it up and my good friends, Mike Dreads and Formerly Emo then Dread Kev for putting in the effort and practically working them into my bad-for-dreads-thin-untangly-white-man-hair

but i have loved the experience of having them, probably even more than the actual dreads.

and especially since coming home to South Africa where i am a hero at almost every traffic light where black men are standing, selling things or asking for money…

fist pumps, “Irie man” and requests for, or offers of weed greet me on an almost daily basis and i have loved it – instant community, acceptance and affection – you’re one of us.

i’m not gonna lie, as far as quality of dreads go, i certainly don’t think i’m one of them – not even close – my hair was not designed naturally for dreads and so most other peoples’ look better than mine

but it’s been a vibe

FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING

today i went to century city to do some shopping and meet a friend and as i was driving out of the parking lot, as there often is when it’s busy, there was a lady collecting parking tickets and letting people go through

she was a black lady with really stunning braided hair and as i drew up alongside her and gave her a big smile, she looks at me and with a smile asks me, “Can i touch your hair?”

so i reach into the car and whip them over my shoulder to the front so she can get a good feel and say, “Sure!”

she feels them and looks at me and smiles some more, ‘They’re just like ours, mos.”

Day made!

IF THERE WAS GOING TO BE A P.S. TO THIS POST

It was just a great day and moment and i loved it. But if i had to look for a bit of a lesson, as i was driving away i was wondering what the vibe would have been if it had been the other way around race-wise. Because i have heard complaints about some of the stereotypes that exist and from a black perspective the question of, “Can i touch your hair?” as a thing or race or offence or whatever.

This clearly wasn’t that. Curious person asking question, quick exchange, answer given. So easy. And i think often we can look more deeply into things and find racism or stereotyping or whatever, where there is none and make things out of things that are not really there.

And it feels like such a completely fine line, because i think sometimes seemingly innocent questions can contain the ignorance or racism or privilege and do need to be challenged. But sometimes we can err on the politically correct side and just be ridiculous. How do we figure out the difference? By being gracious to those around us and not taking ourselves to seriously, i guess. And being extra cautious around others at times, maybe.

But in the meantime, i am really glad that while i still have my dreads, i got to help a friendly hard-working lady answer a question that had been on her mind.

Irie man, indeed.

Irie (I-rie \I ‘ -ree) is the word in Jamaican Patois that means, “alright”. The term can be used to mean 1: powerful and pleasing; 2: excellent, highest; n 3: the state of feeling great. [wikipedia]

[For other posts relating to South Africa, click here]

Journey to Robben Island: Part V – Man of the Soil

Some last reflections from our trip to Robben Island last weekend

[1]: Before i even look at my notes, what stands out to me was the depth of conversation – i barely knew anyone that we went with, so mostly new friends or people i had met once or twice before and yet we dived in to some deep conversations that happened so naturally. Probably because we all knew why we were there, but none of them felt forced or engineered. One lady who i met, Nicole, had been introduced to me on Facebook a couple of months ago and so we had had some interactions but we [her, me and tbV] spent most of the boat ride to Robben Island involved in deep conversation about race and the country and other things. I felt like once we’d arrived at the island, i could have been put straight back on the boat, sent home and the weekend would have felt worth it. And those conversations carried on throughout the weekend.

 
 

 
 

[2] The idea that if my aim in life is for a big house, a comfortable car and a happy family, that my vision is too small.

Each one of us should be dreaming of, hoping for and living towards a unified and reconciled South Africa. To suggest your vision is too small is not a pronouncement of judgement, but it is a blowing of the trumpet [or maybe in our case the sounding of the vuvuzela]. A call to freedom with the realisation that i am not free until everyone is free.
 
 

 
 

[3] That the duel dangers of Pride and Insignificance stem from the same root cause:

Pride = I’m good enough

Insignificance = I’m not good enough

Both start from the place of having all eyes on me. When God calls us to put Him above everything and then to look to others and ourselves.
 
 

 
 

[4] In Judges 6, we see an encounter between an angel sent from God and Gideon, and despite context telling us that Gideon was a scared and cowardly man, the greeting shows us something completely different:

¹¹ The angel of the Lord came and sat down under the oak in Ophrah that belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, where his son Gideon was threshing wheat in a winepress to keep it from the Midianites. ¹² When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.”

The reminder that God views us both as we are and what we can be. He refuses to dwell on who we were.

 
 

[5] A reminder for me that i never wanted to go to Robben Island simply as a tourist activity. Take lots of pictures, see all the sights, okay i’m done, move on. The privilege of having a significant encounter and the time of a whole weekend to really appreciate and learn from what happened there and see how it informs the present and works towards affecting the future.

 
 

[6] The last significant thing i remember from the trip was a Franciscan Blessing, that Rene August shared with us, which was so profoundly deep and transformative and certainly something to revisit regularly:

May God bless you with a restless discomfort

about easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships,

so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.

May God bless you with holy anger

at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,

so that you may tirelessly work for justice, freedom, and peace among all people.

May God bless you with the gift of tears

to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish,

so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.

May God bless you with enough foolishness

to believe that you really can make a difference in this world,

so that you are able, with God’s grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.

[“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”  Micah 6:8]

 
 

[7] Although, after all the significance and meaning, and historical impact…

After all the tears and hugs and stories and prayers…

After prophetic acts and revelations and possibilities and moments of shared pain…

One of the images that will stand out for me about this most excellent adventure was that of my new friend, covered in tattoos including some showing affiliation with gangs while serving the thirteen year jail service he completed a few years ago… lying on his bed, late at night, once everyone was asleep, playing Plants vs Zombies on his tablet.

Or me humming the theme tune every time i saw him during the day and him responding with a guilty smile…

 
 

 
 

There was a lot more that words on a page or screen just cannot capture, but these past few posts have just contained some gems and some foundations for future growth and wrestling that needs to happen and is in the process of.

What a great and significant weekend with a number of really incredible people. If the future of South Africa lies in the hands, tongues and lives of people like these, we are looking good. There is a reason to be filled with hope.

For more information on Freedom Mantle, who organised the whole trip, check them out at http://freedommantle.org or join them on Facebook.

 
 

[For a return to the start of this series and some more reflections, click here]

Journey to Robben Island: Part iii – the spirit of Robben Island

Continuing my thoughts and reflections on a weekend spent at Robben Island, i want to remember some of the things that Archbishop Emeritus Njongonkulu Ndungane [who was after Desmond Tutu as Archbishop] shared with us about his time on the island.

We were privileged to get to spend most of a day with this quiet and humble man and hear some stories and thoughts as we walked around the island, visited the jail cells, planted an apple tree to honour Madiba [the apple tree that Mandela had planted died last year as did he, so it felt fitting to honour his memory in that way] and sang and prayed together.

The first thing he said which jumped out at me was this:

Robben Island was hell on earth in our days

i think that is important to remember and hold on to just a little bit.

This was my first visit to the island and so i have not experienced is simply as a tourist or someone going through the typical experience and so it might be different [although watching the busloads of tourists being ferried around the island like a day tour around London that did feel like a less than favourable way to experience it – we were definitely privileged!] but i imagine it becomes quite easy to romanticise the experience.

Got my Nelson jail-cell picture. Got my lime quarry photo. Got my Robben Island ferry selfie. Tick tick tick. Next.

Or even to hear the stories of “the struggle” and the university that Robben Island became with ‘each one, teach one’ which are all incredible things and so many other great stories… but those need to be held alongside what Njongonkulu Ndungane reminded us:

Robben Island was hell on earth in our days

They made the absolute best of a bad situation. But it was a horribly bad situation. Hearing that they had to make concrete and the mixing machines were present but pushed off to the side so that they could mix it by hand. The heat furnace they endured [which i struggled with as a visitor, not as someone who worked barefoot and being beaten in the blazing sun chipping stones or mixing cement!] and the constant abuse and invasive checks. We can only imagine but it was not an easy and fun-filled jubilant time.

Ndungane spoke about wrestling: There is a lot of beauty evident at Robben Island and from the right place you even have a view of Table Mountain. A question they wrestled with, ‘How can a good God, capable of such beauty of creation, allow this suffering?’

It is okay to wrestle. In fact, it is encouraged. Helps keep your faith real.

Some things that helped them keep going while on the Island:

# We knew our cause was just

# We knew there was a good God

# Every evening we sang Nkosi Sikelel’ iAfrika [this was so great to hear – as a group we ended up singing the national anthem outside Nelson Mandela’s prison cell and it was really one of the most moving moments of the weekend for me – knowing that the beginning of our song helped sustain them through the most difficult of times]

Those were some of the highlights for me from the Archbishop’s time with us. We were meant to have another sessions with him and get more opportunity to ask questions and i had one about how he and perhaps others who had been on the island felt about the current state of the government and the country because i thought it would be helpful to hear that from the perspective of one who was incarcerated for the freedom we now perhaps take for granted. But our schedule was a little off and so that opportunity never came.

However, the one other line that jumped out for me from what Njongonkulu Ndungane shared with us, maybe contained deep insight into what the content of that answer might have been. One of his final statements to us was this:

I wish we could bring the spirit of Robben Island to the politics of South Africa

i think that is something we all think and feel. But if it is not coming from the government, then perhaps it is up to us, the people, to take it to the government. To find creative ways of reminding them that the story of our past is not beautifully displayed in our current reality and that we have a long way to go still. But as we join hands and unite, and start to really listen to each other, and as those who have in abundance loosen the grip on their stuff and look to redistribute so that the wealth of this land can be shared by all, then we will be much closer to seeing that become a reality.

[For the next part of our journey, featuring some brief gems from the weekend, click here]

Marriage Year 29: Meet Gayle and Shelby Evers

Well, right off the bat I have to admit I fibbed. I have been married 38 years – just not all to the same guy. But I thought the tale of two marriages might be helpful.

I’ve been married to Shelby for 28 years and we are still going strong. Sure, there have been rough spots. I mean, it can’t be easy for any man to raise someone else’s kids. Nor be the homemaker supporting a career woman. But he has been heroic.

We’ve certainly made some big mistakes, but the kids are grown now and they still love us. And grandkids are worth the effort letting those exasperating teenagers live from puberty and adulthood!

I was married to my first husband for 10 years. We married when I was 19 years old. It was a terrible marriage. So I’ve seen both sides, and here’s the Top Ten things (the good and the bad) that I would tell my 19-year-old self, if I had the chance:

1. Verbal abuse and the threat of physical violence (kicking walls, throwing things) both are bona-fide abuse. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Immediately seek help. Counseling can be great and it can be useless depending on the counselor, but at least give it a chance. If you cannot convince the abusive spouse to go, then go on your own. If the threat of violence seems to be escalating, leave and go to a shelter for help.

2. Trying to build a successful marriage with someone who has substance abuse problems is pretty much a waste of time unless the substance abuse issue is being actively addressed. Be compassionate. Do everything you can. Get all the help that you can, but in the end, don’t waste your life.

3. Don’t let well-meaning parents and religious types make you believe you will go to hell if you get a divorce. That is simply B.S. If you are struggling with this and want more of what I’ve learned in the school of hard knocks, go to EversBibleClass.com and message me. I’ll be glad to share.

4. Even in a great marriage, you still have to have personal boundaries. You still have the right to decide how to spend your time, who to socialize with, how to follow God, what education to get and how to spend or save your money. Granted, you have an obligation to take your spouse’s preferences and needs into serious consideration. But in the end, this is the only life you get. Live it well.

5. As a highly successful Wall Street executive, I can tell you that having a great marriage, being a good mom, being a good homemaker and being a smashing career success all at the same time is a lie that I bought hook, line and sinker. I am one talented gal, but when I chose the career I did not realize I was throwing away the precious hours I could have spent helping my children grow up. I would make a different choice in hindsight. The choice I made created hardship for my spouse and for my children. It was not worth the money nor the prestige nor the strokes to my ego.

6. Retirement is never what you expected. Although I enjoyed Plan A (traveling around in our RV), I discovered I couldn’t do it exclusively. I needed to be giving back to the community, to people. Having to shift to Plan B (working virtually full time as a volunteer and having a ton of hobbies and social interests that keep me tied to my local community) has been really tough on Shelby. My choices directly impacted his options, and vice versa. Good thing we love each other with all our hearts!

7. Come to think of it, that’s another thing I’d tell my younger self. Marriage isn’t based on love; it’s based on respect. If you do not respect yourself or if you lose respect for the other person, you are in big trouble.

8. Deal with each other and with yourself with humor. Shelby is a master at this. I am wound tight. When I start to get upset, he makes light of the situation, pulls a comical face, does something to lighten the moment. If he can get a laugh out of me, the moment passes easily.

9. On the flip side, negative things said in jest to or about the other person are destructive. It puts the other person in a position of knowing you really meant it, even though it was said in jest. And worse yet, they cannot respond to the barb, because you’ll just say you were joking. Not good. Shelby and I agreed before we married that we would not take potshots at each other in jest, either in public or in private. That has proven to be one of the best decisions we ever made.

10. Sometimes you feel like being alone. Sometimes you feel like making love. Sometimes you feel like picking a fight. Work out signals with each other so you can communicate your needs silently and easily. That way no one steps on a land mine.

The first ten years of marriage gave me a real appreciation for the struggles folks go through. These last 28 years have restored my faith in the purpose and value of marriage. Yes, you will still love each other after 30 years. And yes, as long as he can walk, Grandpa will still find his way to Grandma’s room for a little fun.