i just emailed someone to excuse myself from a creative planning dreaming meeting on Wednesday.
i imagine it is going to be an amazing meeting. i believe i would have gotten a lot out of it and also hopefully been able to put a lot into it.
But i realised on the weekend, that i don’t have the capacity for that meeting Continue reading
As we continue to seek out A Carefree Attitude Towards Possessions through the lens of Ron Sider’s challenging book, ‘Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger’ let me go back a paragraph to remind us where we are and then continue with words i hope you will wrestle with and share with your friends:
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Matthew, Mark and Luke all recall the terrible warning: “How hard it is for those who have riches to enter the kingdom of God!”(Luke 18.24, Mark 10.23, Matthew 19.23). The context of this saying shows why possessions are dangerous. Jesus spoke these words to His disciples immediately after the rich young man had decided to cling to his wealth rather than follow Jesus (Luke 18.18-23). Riches are dangerous because their seductive power very frequently persuades us to reject Jesus and His kingdom. Continue reading
Sometimes well-meaning people can say and do stupid things.
Other times they can do perfectly fine and decent things, but ones that are just completely not appreciated and which might have the opposite effect of what they intended, especially in this particular moment.
The last two days have been a blur of action and comment and conversation and reporting and trying to figure out exactly what is what and who is who in the whole South African #FeesMustFall movement. It is complicated and tricky and confusing and yet SO SO IMPORTANT and so it is up to each one of us to do the best we can in terms of figuring out our understanding and our involvement. Here are just a few hopefully helpful things out of many to get us closer to that: Continue reading
This is a complex one. We don’t presently have a maid/domestic worker but have spoken about the possibility of employing someone in that role. And this is not a witch hunt to try and make anyone feel bad [unless you need to be feeling bad and then don’t feel bad but just change how you’re living!].
A number of months ago i was chatting to a domestic worker at a friend’s house and just hearing some of her story Continue reading
This week has been a little fighty fighty on the Facebook and i’m not sure why.
i strongly suspect it is linked to the Rugby World Cup that has been happening as touching on that ‘holy grail’ in a country so passionate about the sport definitely touches a nerve. As does most conversation about race.
So in the midst of three days of more ‘taking people on’ than i am typically used to, i had someone post on my wall that he was “troubled by the fact that you have an opinion about everyone and everything” and concerned about something i’d called someone and suggesting i was not being consistent in my beliefs and actions.
Which hurt me a little bit?
WHAT? Brett ‘Fish’ Anderson hurt by something someone said? Well… you know… there’s a difference between ‘Not caring what people think’ and ‘Not caring what people think’.
i think everyone likes to be liked by people. And so when there is a moment of that not happening, it bums us out. Or maybe that’s just me, but there is definitely a moment of: ‘Oh no, someone doesn’t like me’.
When a second person jumped on the first person’s comment to back him up on the fact that i do have rather a lot to say on Facebook and i could be less rude, that didn’t help. [Although we did manage to talk it out and come to a bit more of a happy ending i believe].
WHAT TO DO WITH IT
i’m okay though. i didn’t cry myself to sleep. She may have turned me into a newt, but… i got better! [obscure but brilliant Monty Python reference]
There are a couple of things i feel might be worth mentioning around this, especially for people who constantly challenge and question and wrestle and invite others to do the same: There will be pushback. Not all of that pushback is going to be good or accurate or helpful. But not all of it is going to be bad. Some of it might even be a little bit of both.
So what do you do? Well there is this amazing line in one of Paul’s letters to the Thessalonian church where he talks about ‘Testing the spirits. Holding on to the good and avoiding every kind of evil.’ Which is excellent advice.
Was what was said about me true? Was it totally true or was there any truth in there? If so, pay attention to it, learn and move on. [Maybe thank the person for pointing it out!]
If it’s not true at all, then let it go. i was talking to tbV about it in the car a little later and she reminded me about some things some other people had been saying to me recently which were helpful and true. They helped me to put both of these things in perspective.
INVITE ACCOUNTABILITY CAREFULLY
One thing that was interesting was that both comments on this particular thread came from people i don’t think i’ve had any interaction with for years. Which doesn’t mean what they said was not true. But it does suggest that there is a lack of relationship and so i hold it a little more loosely than when my good buddy Bruce Collins challenged me on a stance i was taking on Facebook a few weeks ago and warned me that he thought i had crossed a line.
You see, i have invited Bruce to speak into my life. i have no doubt that he loves me and he has championed me and encouraged me and cheered when i have done well and loved me so much that when he questions something, it still hurts [who likes to be told they are wrong?] but i know it can be trusted. i won’t necessarily always agree with him either [because we’re different people although we definitely agree on more than we disagree on] but i will listen and really dig deeply into what i said and question it because i know it was spoken in love.
i imagine everyone’s process works differently. But the way it typically works for me is that if someone challenges me i will probably give immediate reaction push-back, but i will go and think about it later and it might take a day or two for me to process and realise, ‘Oh wait, actually they were right’ which means having to go back, tail between my legs and apologise to them and thank them for challenging me. But it happens.
And you don’t have to have good relationship with me to hold me accountable. i expect and invite everyone to hold me accountable for everything i say and do – i realise i live a bit of a public life and so that is completely necessary. But then there are certain people who i love and trust and have no doubt they love and trust me who i have invited to jump in when they see me out of line and bring rebuke and caution and challenge and so i am more likely to listen to them more easily and quickly than someone who is not.
Which makes a lot of sense. Because as i mentioned before, i am speaking/writing/sharing a lot about Race and Reconciliation and Christianity and Relationships and more and some of these topics get pretty heated. It would not be wise to agree with everything said to me in response to conversations had around those topics. But it is good to have some trustworthy people specifically watching my back on these to help keep me in line.
i am so grateful that my pool of people i trust to speak this kind of Truth in Love into my life is so huge. It is not easy being the person who brings the caution/challenge/rebuke as it is not easy being the person who receives it. But it is so crucially important and necessary to ensure a life that is consistent with beliefs, that will hopefully be used to be a part of significant conversation and action.
What has your experience with accountability been? Giving it or receiving it? Who are the people who you have invited to speak Truth in Love when it counts?
[For some other thoughts on Friendship, click here]
Let’s face it, most of us are going to be late occasionally. But it’s when you make it a consistent habit that it becomes annoying and it is another character trait that can really affect a friendship. Especially if you do it enough that you become known as ‘that guy/that girl’.
[And it might be important to throw in a cultural disclaimer here cos this is definitely a very western time-focused mindset to have and other cultures have different ways of viewing time which are not worse just because they are not mine so that would be an interesting conversation to have – any thoughts on time?]
But going back to those who know and understand the cultural norm and continue to disregard it. STOPPIT! i imagine a lot of people are unaware that they are doing it or just don’t care enough to make a change.
And at the very least you can send a text or a call to let the people know you are running late – especially when it’s a movie or a function and people might be waiting for you to start. It is just a lot of rudeness to know that you are running late and not inform the person organising the event and your lateness affects their plans.
This is something Cape Town people seem to be particularly bad at. We really have to get better. It can be incredibly frustrating.
CALL ME MAYBE
A little p.s on this one for all the Facebookers out there. While Facebook Event ‘Yesses’ are definitely far from being a complete science, it would be a lot more helpful if we could become more honest with our responses.
The way i interpret a Facebook event “Yes” is as a maybe and a “Maybe” is definitely a no. It would be helpful if we just say what we mean. No one is going to lose a friendship over you saying ‘No’ to their event – they have invited 100 people and probably won’t even notice. But when you “maybe” it gives hope, and when you “yes” it gives expectation and so rather just stick to your actual anticipated answer to make things that little bit easier for those trying to run an event.
If i accidentally invited you to an event forgetting you are currently in another country, your “yes” really is unhelpful.
This is quite an easy one to change all around – being late is usually solved through a bit of pre-planning or organisation of the day in advance. And being more accurate on Facebook events feels like a no brainer.
What about you? What bad habits do people have that make it hard for you to be friends with them? Share them in the comments.
[For other bad habits that people have which make them less than stellar friends, click here]
Irresistibly Fish 