being still, and knowing, this Easter…

i feel like the previous few Easters have kind of passed me by with not too much impact – being the easily recognised dreadlock wearing Easter Bunny at the Simple Way is all i can remember and i’m not sure where i was the year before but in the middle of preparation to leave for the Simple Way and so life was a fair bit chaotic…

the last Easter that comes to mind was when my good buddy Mark Baker encouraged us to watch ‘The Passion of the Christ’ by Mel Gibson with our Sunday nite enGAGE congregation in Stellenbosch. i feel like i might have initially done it more to humour him than because i thought it was a good idea, but remember being powerfully affected again by the very violent depiction of Jesus’ flogging and death [i really feel like the cross can become this fluffy comfortable symbol we hold to but lose all meaning of if we forget the very violence and real sacrifice it depicts]

so as we started heading towards Easter in Oakland i really wanted it to be meaningful and so spent some time this week reading the end of John’s Gospel and some of Jesus’ last acts, words and prayers. last nite we jumped at the chance to join some new friends of ours to head to a church for a ‘stations of the cross’ experience where we walked around in small groups [we joined a family of five with three cool young kids] and then read scripture, reflected and did an action and a prayer connected to different aspects of Jesus last week leading up to His death.

i find it interesting that when the one station invited us to kiss the figure of Jesus on the cross [i chose not to] that it felt more weird for me than later when we were asked to spit at the figure of Jesus on the cross [i chose not to do that either, but more following the lead of Val] – as if the betrayal hidden behind a kiss seems somehow so much worse than the outwardly open betrayal of showing your true colours through spitting.

[i wonder if that is because i can’t think of any time in my life when i have outwardly or openly joined the crowd in being against Jesus in any way or form, but there are countless times where my innocent looking actions have shown a deeper betrayal in what has been going on in my heart or somewhere else behind the scenes. a subtle hypocritical betrayal somehow feels so much worse… and so time and time again i hear the cock crow and have that moment of looking up and seeing Jesus’ eyes pierce through me as i realise once again i have done that which i said i never would, and i end up behind a wall somewhere crying out as Jesus is lead once more to the cross by my actions]

Pilot’s washing of his hands affected me deeply as it did my wife Val [which you can, and should, read here] as i took it on myself to explain it to the children who were with us, specifically Kayla, the oldest daughter. the idea of “making no decision” because the decision you know you should make has consequences which just feel too extreme for you. being reminded that ‘making no decision’ is always making a decision.

apartheid. racism. violence towards women. rape culture. discrimination. abortion. being reminded that ‘making no decision’ is always making a decision.

there are so many aspects to this story. i hope that you will make time this Easter time in the busyness of it all to slow down and choose a moment, or moments, to meditate on. and then reflect against the daily living out of your life. has what Jesus did on the cross affected your day to day life in any way, shape or form?

the story of this week, two thousand years ago, affects me on a daily basis. it is so good to be reminded of that. and to live it out well.

on why rape [and violence to women in general] HAS to be taken seriously, part 1: attack on my wife

my wife was attacked in the street yesterday.

fortunately not physically and thank God there were two Latino guys in a car nearby that she was eventually able to get to come to her assistance but even then they didn’t really know what to do and the [can only assume he was completely drugged up] guy continued to threaten.

many, many thoughts on this and the closest to the foreground is complete and utter thankfulness that she is okay… or as okay as someone can be who is verbally and otherwise assaulted…

Val recently shared two blogs with thoughts on related issues:

the first being this very hectic one where she shares a reaction to some of the music and attitude and behaviour we were confronted with when we lived in Kensington, Philly last year: On being woman [explicit]

and the second one in which she shared some situation she has been in where she got involved and took some kind of action to prevent the possibility of an attack or situation ending badly: on being my sister’s keeper

the solution to this is not victim-blaming, nor giving women a list of ways they can dress or act and behave that can “help protect them from being raped” – we should not have to go there.

but i really don’t believe the solution is man-bashing either – all men are not evil, potential rapists waiting to happen – throwing blame at the general male population feels completely unhelpful as well.

and personally, i’m not convinced that joking about rape is EVER helpful [although i know a bunch of people disagree with me on this one – see the next post for verification of that] – for me anything that makes light of or lessens the impact of how absolutely hideous and horrendous and just plain evil rape is, counts against finding a solution to the problem.

this thing is so much huger than any of those three areas – we are talking absence of strong positive role models and negative influence of the media and prisons being punitive rather than redemptive and desensitisation of both the word and the act and a hundred other things…

but just because it looks so huge and daunting, does not give us the freedom to continue with our heads buried in the sand on this one. we need to create safe spaces for people to share their stories. we need to be able to talk about this thing without using blame language on either side and try to figure out together what we can put in place in the short term to at least reduce the risk of it while we look at bigger solutions. we need to be investing into the young men and women of the future and training them up in the way they should go…

as evidenced by my new friend Magda’s letter to her children [aged just 11 and almost 8] that she allowed me to share parts of on my blog over here, that both deals with speaking about sex and rape with her young children and teaching them how to grow up to be young men that make a positive difference.

let’s get serious about working together to put a stop to this. this should not be something we are ever okay about having as a part of our world.

[to continue to part II which involves a confusing hashtag on Twitter which got me into a bit of trouble with a bunch of people]

Weekly Photo Challenge: (Future Tense)

this week’s challenge is a little more vague than normal which is great cos it allows for a wider scope of creativity and so i came up with these two pics which for me contain the idea of ‘Future Tense’

first up, the world’s most famous stuffed dolphin whose name is No_bob [i was going to call him ‘Bob’ but he doesn’t bob hence the name and the lack of a huge number of entrants in the ‘stuffed dolphins of the world’ category means i can be pretty convinced that he is it] sticking out of my jacket pocket [which was taken at a Christian worship camping weekend called Namrock, held in Namibia].

he’s in a pocket so clearly he’s going somewhere – this is a temporary picture, promising something more – a journey perhaps, a destination not yet discovered, the moment of reveal… whatever it is, it gives the whiff of something to come which creates intrigue, mystery and suspense. and besides i just really love the pic:

and the second one is taken on the deck of a restaurant on the outskirts of Austen, Texas, when my wife the beautiful Val [tbV] and i were visiting my older sister and her family… the day slowly drawing to a close, some form of conversation or ‘just being’ happening and in the background the sun begins to set, letting us know that this day is being brought to a close, but another day will surely follow… again the expectation of what we see in the photo leads us on in our minds to continue the story and imagine for ourselves what possibilities may life ahead…

 

[For the previous Photo Challenge with the theme of ‘Lunchtime’ click here]

where do we live?

i was asking that question as i walked [by myself!] to the office today as tbV had a meeting at Darin’s house…

and the obvious answer would be 50th street [i’m convinced it’s 51st in my head so have to type it down now or i may not find my way back home] Oakland, California, Americaland…

but i’m looking a little deeper, after 19 months in the ‘hood of Kensington, Philly [where in the city if you told people where you were from they would respond with “you live in Kensington???” [shock, horror, gasp, quick exit…] how would one exactly describe this place?

it’s not ‘hood. well not in the way that Kensington was ‘hood… but it’s definitely not Bishop’s Court… feels a little suburby, but heard from the people we’re staying behind that they used to live in the suburbs so probably not that. we did get the “you live in Oakland???” [shock, horror, gasp, quick exit…] when we visited San Francisco on Sunday so in these parts maybe it’s still seen as ‘hood or ‘hoodish… just not sure if it will get me quite enuff street cred for saying i live here – is there a more ‘hood’ ‘hood than Oakland? will have to ask…

i like it though. only been here about a week [not even] so still got to get the vibe of the place, but tbV and i loved Kensington and i think we will love this place too – not as many people in your face, on your street as there where which was one of the highlights of Kensington but the people we’ve passed have for the most part been really friendly, and then there was the bag lady.

no, not that. walking back from San Fran on Sunday we encountered this African American all-dressed-up-for-a-party-or-is-that-maybe-how-she-normally-dresses woman who approached us and said “Can you pick up my bag?” We looked at the street corner where she was pointing and there was a gold coloured handbag on the ground – so Val says, “You pick it up” but the lady was clearly freaked out and she asks again, “No, No, No can you guys please just pick up my bag?” I ask, “What’s wrong with it?” She says, “Nothing.” so we tell her again to just pick it up and she goes closer and then backs away and then goes closer and makes like she’s going to and then backs away again going, “No, No, No, Please just pick up my bag.”

at this point i’m wondering is there a bomb in there? a deadly tarantula? a bag of chocolate covered raiSINs with all the chocolate licked off [we all have our fears!] and so we decide to keep on walking and hope that wouldn’t-have-passed-the-Tour-de-France-urine-test lady managed to eventually get her stuff and make it home okay.

so definitely a taste of Kensington…

and i guess we’ll figure out more as we get to explore more and as we hopefully find a more permanent place to stay [maybe today!] and hopefully get to call this place home for the next year or so…

One way to love your spouse better – Brett Fish [Love them in the best way they receive it]

one story tbV [the beautiful Val] enjoys telling is how after a month of us dating she had a bedside drawer full of chocolate…

why is this significant? well, i spent a lot of time giving tbV chocolate as a way of showing i loved her, but she is not a big fan of chocolate, preferring sour sweets instead and so basically i invested a month or so in making Val’s housemate very happy.

i am a big chocolate fan [no, Americaland, Hershey’s is NOT chocolate, altho peanut butter cups do qualify] and so what better way to show someone love than giving them something that makes me feel good when i receive it? the moment i realised that she preferred sour sweets and savoury as a general trend, i was able to much better show her my Love and have her receive it as well.

Gary Chapman wrote a really helpful book called ‘The Five Love Languages’ in which he explains that people give and receive Love predominantly in five different ways:

[1] Words of Affirmation – “You look hot!”

[2] Acts of Service – “I fixed your heater, so now your room will be more hot.”

[3] Receiving Gifts – “Here is a plate of chili nachos. It may be a little hot.”

[4] Quality Time – “It’s hot today. Let’s go hang out on the beach together.”

[5] Physical Touch – “Rrarr, let’s get you hot.”

…or something like that!

The key to the book is realising that your primary act of receiving Love might be different to that of your person and so you giving them Love in a way you like to receive it [giving gifts] might not be received with the same extent of excitement or appreciation if your person’s primary way of receiving Love is different [eg. quality time]

In fact, it could even almost produce the opposite effect. If your wife is wanting to spend time with you [as a way of receiving Love well] and you spend all your time working extra time at your job [because you are saving up money to buy her something expensive because you value gifts] then despite your act being one of focused Love-giving, your wife might end up feeling not loved at all, because her need is not being met.

It can be as easy as a conversation – sit with your person and the list above and try and identify your top two Love languages that you receive Love in, and then try and figure out the Love languages that you show Love with [they may be the same] and then help your person identify theirs.

Basically we are answering the question, “What is important to the person i Love?” and then choosing to live in such a way that when you are wanting to show them Love, you choose a way that really connects with them and demonstrates the feeling and the choice you have.

This is really just a helpful guide more than a scientific art – you will probably find that you give and receive Love in a variety of ways, but hopefully you will easily be able to identify the one or two that make you feel well and truly Loved. And armed with this information in terms of your spouse, can make showing them Love so much easier and more significant.

EXPLORING THE HATE LANGUAGES?

It goes deeper than that when you are married as well. There may be a household task [like washing the dishes] that has neutral feeling for you, but your wife HATES doing it. How easy for you to jump in every time and do that task and free her up from doing something she doesn’t enjoy. Chances are there is something [dusting] you’re not a big fan of and she will reciprocate, altho that should not be your intention for doing it. It is a great act of Love to remove something your person hates.

Similarly, you might have some bad habits [leaving the toilet seat up… i don’t!] that are not the biggest deal for you, but might be a huge deal for your person. Identify those [there is no harm in asking regularly – this could be a simple tweak in your life that could help convey a huge amount of Love] and change them.

This is worth taking some time on – trying to figure out some stuff for yourself and also inviting your spouse to share the ways they receive Love well and to perhaps point out some stuff around the house or it could be the fact that you are always late for things that drives her mad or that you arrive home from work and hang out with the tv before you hang out with her or a number of other things… figure them out and Love her better!

[to return to the start of this series, click here]

“Weekly Photo Challenge: (Lunchtime)”

lunchtime can have so many memories attached as food often does – it is seldom just about the food – usually the story or the company or the occasion…

so these three stood out for me…

firstly the one time it was about the food was this occasion of me sampling what must be the world’s biggest donut [which i got to sample when hanging out with my family in Texas two years ago] as kind of a lunchtime alternative:

then secondly it was the occasion, which was on our honeymoon and tbV still claims this was the best sandwich she has ever eaten [with bacon, avo and feta as the chief ingredients it would be hard to go wrong]:

and lastly is was this beautifully cooked plate of breakfast food [altho eaten at lunchtime] slash bacon-and-friends that tbV cooked for me on honeymoon and so a combo of the food, the occasion and the company… good times, good food, but more importantly a great story, amazing memories and the start of an exciting adventure that continues on:

Mmm…

[For the previous Photo Challenge on the theme of ‘Lost in the Details’ click here]

One way to love your spouse better – Brett Fish: be on the same continent

Note, this is remarkably different from “be incontinent” so try not to get confused. [in fact to be honest one of the definitions listed was “Not restrained; uncontrolled” and i am going to be speaking to exactly the opposite of that…]

At the point of writing this, my wife aka the beautiful Val, is currently in Americaland while i am still in South Africa [that is about to change in 5 days time though, can’t wait!] and if all i was going to say in this post was ‘be on the same continent’ then most of you could probably skip this one and move on to the next one – being on the same continent is something the majority of married couples seem to get right most of the time.

But what i am really wanting to be speaking into is the idea of being present, because there might be times when physically you are around your partner, but because of where you are in your mind [distracted] or your body [watching tv, sending a text] you may as well be on a different continent. You might feel like you have given your partner important time that you could have spent being somewhere else or doing something else [which you might be inclined to tell them – don’t!] but for them it might feel like you weren’t really all that interested or invested in what they were saying.

GIVE THEM YOUR ATTENTION

There may be times when this is not possible or easy – you might be in the middle of fixing a very delicate piece of equipment as your wife comes to have a chat with you or be watching the final two minutes of extra time in the World Cup Soccer final with your side 1-0 but making a monumental counter-attack down the field… and in those cases it might be good to ask for a few minutes first to quickly finish what you are doing before you give your attention. But for the most part when your person wants to speak to you, try as far as possible to stop what you are doing, to look them in the eyes and give them your full attention while they speak to you. This could be for really important conversations or it could be while your wife tells you how her shopping trip went, but the more times you actually stop what you are doing, put things you are busy with down and sit and look her in the eyes and pay attention to what she is saying, the more loved she will feel. [Especially if you are able to pull yourself away from an important game or activity – it communicates “You are important to me and i want to give you my full attention!”]

MAKE EYE CONTACT

There is nothing that says “I am listening to you” more directly than eye contact. If at all possible [and it usually is] look at your person when they are speaking to you. If it is necessary to hold them with a “just a moment” so you can put aside your phone, turn the tv off, walk to where they are standing or sit next to them, then do it and look them in the eyes and say, “What is it you wanted to tell me?” This may feel a little awkward if you are not used to doing it, but for most people it can be such a powerful thing. And unlike incontinence this is about being restrained and in control. Be intentional about giving the person you love the knowledge that you care about them and what they have to say. And being present means really listening to what they are saying, not starting to come up with your response half way through their sentence. Listen to the end and then respond.

SET PHONE TO SILENT

Different people feel differently on this one, but i feel so completely strongly about it that it is worth mentioning. If you meet me for coffee and while we are hanging out your phone rings and you answer it, what that communicates to me is that at that moment, for you, anyone in the whole world [even a wrong number] is more important to you than me. If you want to show me love and that you care about me, you will turn your cellphone off when you have chosen to spend time with me. My buddy Dunc in the past has told me he is expecting a business call and then i don’t mind at all because he has invited my permission and shown me he cares for me that way. If you can turn your phone off for the duration of a movie or church service or business meeting, then please show me i am more important than those things when we have chosen to hang out. Obviously different situations dictate different things [i’m not saying never have your phone on around me]

Being present can be such a hugely significant thing in a relationship. It communicates love and priority, care and attention, focus and intentionality… it says “You are important to me. I care about spending time with you. I am interested in what you have to say.”

if you’re feeling brave, go and ask your spouse on a scale of one [being completely distant] to ten [being absolutely present and involved] how would they rate you? this might bring about some frightening results, but it may provide a catalyst to help you start working on an aspect of your relationship that could really use it.

[to continue on to Rich E’s one way to love your spouse better with an excellent activity on listening, click here]