Weekly Photo Challenge: (fleeting)

Another week, another photo challenge and this time to find the right picture or pictures to capture the idea of fleeting.

I could not look past our wedding pics for this, both because I think they really do capture the idea of a moment caught in time, but also give the idea of this thing will move on and this moment will pass. The commitment will continue and is hopefully strong and steadfast and true, but the moment is fleeting. This is what needs to be enjoyed as it happens as the rest will journey with you.

This first one I really love as it just grabs hold of the casual enjoy-the-moment nature of the day and was taken just after the ceremony, when we were able to relax a little bit more.

The next two were taken as part of our wedding shoot in the African township, Kayamandi, where I lived for about 18 months before we got married and both strongly emphasise ‘Fleeting’ firstly by way of the youths who are walking past, completely unaware and oblivious of the celebrations taking place as, for them, life continues as normal… and then through the watchfulness of the observer to the kiss which happens in an instant and is no more…

This next photo is taken of myself and the beautiful Val [tbV] on the dance floor and captures the moment of a shared joke or just complete awareness and appreciation and presence in the moment of acknowledging being married and everything that is to follow:

Which brings us to the final photo which was the ‘family shot’ with our fake son, Emo Kev…

Which I can’t really explain beyond that except it was my wife’s idea and for some reason Kev was really game and which really brings home the fleeting nature of having a fake son. Ah, they grow up so quickly:

[For the previous photo challenge on the theme of ‘The Sign Says’ click here]

Weekly Photo Challenge: (the sign says)

This sign I discovered in an international hotel in Malaysia – upon closer detection I was able to ascertain that the one fruit was banned because of its absolute stench and the other because it has hardcore staining capacity. I am not too clear as to what the punishment is if you are caught with either of these:

This one was in the same country but this time on a train – a very difficult one to police I’d imagine but you have the right to remain saliva-free or something like that [and don’t speak back to these cops, cos they do not appreciate the tongue-in-cheek approach either]:

We decided to reinterpret this one on our wedding day after the most kiss-filled ceremony most people had witnessed [who waits til the permission part, seriously?] just to ensure people got the message that this would be continuing for a while [at least until we took a trip in Malaysia by train]:

But a theme titled ‘the sign says’ would not be complete without this beauty from the office wall of the non-profit building I work in, begging the question, what happened and how many times did it happen to necessitate the needfulness of this particular sign’s block 1:

That’s right people. Black and white people must shake hands in this place, but more importantly, don’t poop on the floor. Any more. Thank you.

[For the previous Photo Challenge with the theme ‘In the Background’ click here]

birthday words… for a tbV

hey there, gather round and listen up

step yourself a little closer so-i can tell you what is up

on this day, the very 25 of may

there are a few things that I feel that I have got to say

first of all, we find ourselves upon a special day

so, let’s all join with one another and hip hip hooray

and give some applause, and much due celebration

to the woman of, this very day’s creation

well not this very day, but one very much the same

28 calendars ago, the day this baby came

brought into this world, a Duffield, began to find her feet

but let’s skip right to future days,  way after when we two did meet

we stood together in a church, in front of some of you

and made some promises, and then each one of us said ‘I do’

we set off for honeymoon, amidst some cries and laughter

surely set for our very own ‘happily every after?’

but sadly that is not always, the way this thing does work

cos pretty soon I realise, I now-live with quite a jerk

and as much as I enjoy throwing blame at Valerie

I soon realise that the jerk in the mirror it is me

cos marriage is a thing that is worthy of applause

but it is also quite a spotlight that will emphasise your flaws

It’s certainly not all bad, in fact the good outweighs by far

Just good to know it’s not all Disney or if-it-is then with Jafar

Or Ursula from Little Mermaid, Jungle’s Kaa or even Scar

[Is there some reason why so many of  Disney villains rhyme with ‘bra’?]

But moving on there is a reason for me to-have-sit and write this poem

As today is my girl’s day, and you are here, I thort ‘I’ll show ‘em’

Just a note, pick one or two, of reasons why I love my girl

And know that there are many hundreds more that I could here unfurl

But when it comes to passionate justice, tbV she is a fighter

And those of you who’ve read her blog now know that she is quite the writer

She is so-really good at games and this immensely makes me proud

Altho my ego takes a beating, fairly often when-it’s allowed

And after many months of fighting, I now take much admiration

Watching Val laughing out loud at scenes from Parks and Recreation

There’s so much more, but that’s a glimpse, of just why I am such a fan

Especially when she calls me ‘Boy’ or ‘B’ or ‘specially ‘Husband-man’

We’re growing up and on together as we live eternity

And it’s a journey that is not always simple as it could be

But we’re committed so we fight on and we hope that you will see

‘Life to the full’ will stay our motto, this Fish and this tbV

You see we’ve grown up in a world that points us all to independence

While what we are finding out are merits to inter-dependence

That we’re in this thing together when it’s good and when it’s bad

When we disappoint each other, if we make each other sad

We know it’s not intentional and we know we will bounce back

And the very bottom line is that we have each other’s back[s]

What helps to make it stronger is the foundation we’ve got

That we’ve built our lives on God, especially when we lose the plot

They say a triple stranded cord is one that can’t be eas’ly snapped

And for our present situation that just seems completely apt

So my tbV I love you, yes I kinda think you’re nice

Sorry that this pome is not up to the standards of V. Ice.

I wish you all the best of birthday celebrations for this day

And plan to stick with you by your side if you feel like that’s okay?

I love you very much and am so glad that you’re my girl.

The end! [cos there’s no good word that rhymes with ‘girl’].

how to be a man by Rudyard Kipling

well, actually, this pome is titled ‘If’ but po-tay-to, po-tah-to… my wife linked to this the other day and i remembered what a powerful read it was… hope you enjoy [especially if this is your first time… and it works for women too by the way!]

‘If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!’

Source: A Choice of Kipling’s Verse (1943)

Continuing the ‘How much sex in marriage?’ conversation with Brett Fish and the beautiful Val [tbV]

the other day i posted an answer to a ‘how much sex in marriage?’ question that someone left after a ‘Singleness’ blog post and it got a whole lot of attention… realising that Sex in Marriage is a bit of a Taboo Topic that doesn’t get much attention, this felt like a healthy conversation to continue and so i had an online chat with Val about some of the stuff that came up in the comments section, so we could share it with you:

[Brett]: Hey Val, so when you read through the comments section on the ‘How much sex in marriage?’ blog, there were one or two things that got your back up. What would you say was the biggest of those that caused a reaction in you?

[Valerie]: Hi B. I think for the most part I appreciated the comments and agree that sex (or at least one or both partner’s interaction with it) can be an indicator of deeper issues in a marriage. I think my biggest issue was the implied suggestion that a lack or reduction of sex is indicative of marital problems. This comment in particular got me: “I think that if a relationship is done properly, and both people are happy, comfortable and secure in the relationship, sex will follow, however if there are issues elsewhere in the relationship, sex will illustrate that.”

[Brett]: Hm, interesting. I agree that if there are issues elsewhere in the relationship then sex is likely to be one of the places where that will be picked up. But I imagine you are more hesitant about the idea that if things are good in a relationship that sex will naturally follow? Is that right or what exactly is it about that statement [in the context of what you’ve said about problems with sex can be an indicator of deeper issues within a marriage] that you are taking issue to?

[Valerie]: I think what I heard some folk say is that a lack of sex is ALWAYS an indication of deeper issues and marital “rot”. I don’t like the idea that the natural result of happiness, comfortability and security is SEX! The implication being that sex is directly correlated with happiness, comfortability, security and general health of a marriage (the more you’re having the better it is; the less you’re having the more “in danger” you are.) My concern here is that this plays strongly into the dominant role sex plays in our culture, both within the church and without.

For many churches, the prime focus on relationships before marriage is sex. Don’t have it!

And the prime focus on relationships after marriage is sex. Have it!

So sex dominates our understandings of relationships, marriage, love, mutuality, fulfillment, sin and right living, and health – in the church. Meanwhile, outside the doors, sex dominates too. We have a culture driven by sex and sexuality – it pervades our music, movies, the market place, books, magazines, and is placed at the forefront of relationships.

I feel uncomfortable with this preoccupation with sex both in and out the church, both before and after marriage. is all

[Brett]: I hear you on that and definitely agree with you. The church could definitely improve their stance on sex in terms of the way it is presented and spoken about [and not spoken about]. Ultimately if the church is not speaking about sex, then we have to turn to the other voices on it which will primarily be the media and Hollywood, not great proponents of healthy attractive sexuality.

Karen seemed to have a similar opinion to you on sex not being at the centre of marriage, but also spoke of how it can be a good indicator if something is not healthy.

“Many counsellors and leaders in churches that I know, when helping couples will ask what the sexual relationship is like to get an indication of the health of the marriage. So although it is not the be all and end all and both parties should be happy with the amount of sex that happens in the marriage, we have to make sure our marriages are healthy, that our relationship with God is healthy so that we lack nothing, that He fulfills our needs and makes us happy, so that we don’t expect our spouses to make us happy.”

Is that something you would agree with? That a good marriage is not defined on how much or little sex you are having [other commenters mentioned things like emotional issues, abuse in the past and other aspects which can affect your sex] but that it might be a warning sign, a smoke alarm if you will, to the possibility of there being a fire needing to be taken care of?

[Valerie]: In short, I don’t think the strength or health of a marriage should be defined on how much or little sex is happening. But, if one or both parties are finding the amount of sex (shall we leave the quality to the side for now?) an issue, which I believe is where the first blog post started, then by all means that needs to be addressed. And I think the first blog did that well – in essence you flipped it on it’s head from “how much am I entitled to” to the deeper issues that could, and often do, underlie a question like that. The back-story if you like.

My main concern is that we don’t perpetuate the myth that sex is the pinnacle of a relationship. It’s what we tell Christian young people before they get married and create in essence a mythical “IT”, much like Hollywood does. When the newly-wed couple eventually gets down to it we have bogged them down with so much guilt, shame, expectations and assumptions along with an idealized vision of “IT” which, let’s be honest, has little to do with the actual messy, fun, awkward, emotional, vulnerable, experience of sex-in-real-life that it’s little wonder they get so easily entangled in the complexities of it.

And I’m worried that similar discussions of sex and it’s place in marriage do essentially the same: elevate sex to being the “IT” of marriage – the purpose, the indicator of health, the thing we should be striving for (more or better of), the reason why we do the things that make our spouse feel loved etc (ooh, and that last one especially, the “I’m buying you flowers because I love you, but secretly I’m really just earning brownie points and we both know it.”)

[Brett]: Yes, exactly. You’re talking about the ‘No sex til marriage’ whip that is held above Christian young people [which becomes completely guilt-inducing every time they mess up in any way sexually] and then at some stage they get married and are instantly meant to change to a “sex is allowed and great” mentality. That is such a confusing thing we do to people and it can take years to work through that one.

Sex in marriage IS great. But you know what is also great in marriage? Cuddling. And cooking a meal together. One of my favourite things [and I think yours] is to lie next to each other at the end of the day and just talk about life and ‘solve all the world’s problems’ [well, most of them]. Also playing board and card games together. Watching a series we both enjoy. And so on. I think this is a message that could be given out a lot more on this one – that sex is great alongside a lot of other things that are great.

[Valerie]: Totally. We follow up the “no sex outside marriage” whip with the “sex in marriage” whip (that’s another story!) that creates a lot of guilt about how much is being had, shame about what is and isn’t allowable now that the general veil has been lifted, expectations about what it’s going to be like. So phrases like “if a relationship is done properly, and both people are happy, comfortable and secure in the relationship, sex will follow” just add guilt on guilt and shame on shame and resentment and disappointment and even blame at its worst. Yes, it IS wonderful. It is messy and awkward and vulnerable. It is fun. But it is also one – yep, just ONE – of a myriad things that make my relationship good and fun and healthy and fulfilling and satisfying and comfortable and secure and and and. Let’s get a little perspective in here, yo!

We would LOVE to hear your thoughts and comments on our thoughts and comments and any follow-up questions you might have…

[to read the original blog post that started this all, click here]

Recap: Most read posts from the last quarter.

so according to wordpress stats, these are the 5 most visited posts of mine this last quarter which means people must have liked them [or really hated them i guess, altho i don’t think i’ve had one of those for a while – must be doing something wrong] so i thought i’d display them here in case you missed one or more of them:

First up there was Kate Hurley sharing on Singleness which always gets a lot of views – her alias being The Sexy Celibate no doubt helped a little

Next up was another guest post, this time in my ‘One Way To Love Your Spouse Better’ series by the always delightful and depthful Dalene Reyburn

Then there was one actually by me with a simple explanation of the two times that i feel it’s permissible for you to leave South Africa

The next most popular blog featured the Did-Joel-Osteen-resign-from-Christianity-or-was-it-a-Hoax [and even if he did, how do we respond] saga.

Then there was the true life drama excitement of Valerie trying to fly out of South Africa actually wearing her wedding ring which was discovered to be missing, presumed drowned, just an hour or so before she had to be on the plane…

And this? Oh this is just a link to a picture of a pair of flip flops/slip slops that look like fish [so don’t click on it, you can’t get those thirteen seconds of your life back. oh man, now you’re going to, hey? don’t say i didn’t warn you.]

a long walk to free some [maybe me?]

last nite i was invited by some new friends we’ve made here to join the Oakland City Watch team in a walk they do around the neighborhood [we live on 61st Ave and we walked around the streets closer to 90th so not crazy far away] that has three messages for the people of the community:

# We care!

# We want to see an end to violence, especially gun violence!

# How can we help you?

so a roomful of maybe 40 to 50 people of all shapes and sizes [although apart from one grade seven boy i felt like the next youngest there so a bunch of 30 years and older people mostly] – black, white, hispanic, korean – from a variety of different churches, put on these white windbreaker identification jackets and armed with fliers that explained to anyone who asked what we were about, we walked the streets for maybe an hour, waving at cars who responded to the “Honk if you want an end to gun violence” signs and engaging with anyone who was interested as we walked past them. No specific message except that of unity and peace in the neighborhood and that we were hoping merely by our presence to make a difference [apparently since they started these walks 6 months ago, murders have decreased in the areas they have walked through]

this brief video on You Tube gives a glimpse into the heart behind the walk and introduces some of the hardcore leaders [mostly pastors from different churches] who are organising this thing.

“we want it to be tangible”

“more than just words from a tv from a pulpit”

“we want to be persistent. this is something we’re doing every week not just for one night”

“we don’t want to fight against the young men but against the violence itself”

as i walked the streets last nite, when i wasn’t engaging in incredibly life-giving conversation with this big African American ex-pastor called Ben who heads up the team [and who i found out lives a street away from me, so hoping for deeper connection there] and our new friend, Matt, i was thinking of Kensington where we stayed in Philly and how something like this could work so well there [and of my friend Derrick Gregory who i have already been in conversation with about the possibility of him thinking more through the possibilities it holds]

as i write this i think of my friends Sheralyn and Sammi who live in Woodstock in Cape Town and of the Pedersens and others who are doing a kind of organic church in the fringes of the city and how something like this might look for them.

i think of areas of huge gangsterism and violence like mannenberg and hanover park and wonder if the church there got mobilised to start doing something similar.

and am brought back to the conversation of stability i had with Ben and those conversations which i’ve been having with tbV for the last two years inspired by the monks of the Benedictine monastery we visited while staying at the Simple Way, and even the idea of incarnation [living amongst the people you are working with and ministering to] fostered by the Simple Way and my time in Kayamandi

i read a quote this week that said something like church is not the place you go to, but the place you go out from and that kind of feels like the strong surgings that i have within me right now [not really anything new, just a new flame being lit on this particular fire] and a loud powerful shout to the church of Cape Town [yes, you Common Ground and Christ Church Kenilworth and 100 others] to take seriously the need for the church to be outside of the building and on the streets if we are going to make any discernible difference at all to the state of things back home.

or wherever you are reading this. this idea is so ridiculously simply and just needs a small group of people to put their hands up and go, ‘hey, that’s something practical we can do right here.’