Lies about Sex: Part I – Physical Contact and Boundaries

The first myth I pointed out in my Relevant article was this idea that “Any and all physical contact is a like a gateway drug to sex.”

Growing up, I frequently heard metaphors like, “Don’t start the engine if you aren’t ready to drive the car” used to warn teenagers that any physical contact (including holding hands and kissing) was a slippery slope straight into the jaws of fornication.

Let me be clear. There is some truth to the fact that physical contact leads to more physical contact. Our bodies are designed to respond to certain signals and stimuli in ways that prepare us for sex. That’s just anatomy. What isn’t as true and certainly isn’t as helpful is this idea that you should be scared of physical contact because if you hold your significant other’s hand, sex will magically or accidentally happen against your will.

I have three major problems with this way of talking about boundaries in a physical relationship. The first two have to do with negative consequences of carrying these ideas over into marriage

On this side of things, I can honestly say that there are SO many conscious decisions you have to make between kissing and having sex. Despite what Hollywood says, clothes do not take themselves off and bodies do not magically and effortlessly fit together. And after years of hearing things like, “I got carried away and it just happened,” we feel broken and inept when we discover that in fact, sex doesn’t “just happen,” but takes a significant amount of communication and maneuvering that isn’t what we think of as “sexy.” In that way, this whole slippery slope idea is more Hollywood than it is Scripture.

The second way this idea can negatively affect sex in marriage is that these kinds of metaphors and language reduce human sexuality to a mechanical operation. Before marriage it looks like this; “Don’t press this button or flip that switch or you’ll cause sex to happen.” After marriage it can look like this: “I pressed all the buttons and flipped all the right switches – I am expecting sex to happen.” And if it doesn’t happen, “What did I do wrong?” or worse, “What’s wrong with my partner that they aren’t responding the way they are supposed to?”

Human sexuality is complex and it can’t be (and shouldn’t be) separated from our emotional, mental, spiritual, or otherwise physical state. This kind of language and thinking enforces the idea that our sex drive is the thing that controls us, rather than teaching a biblical, holistic view of the person where all the aspects of our humanity are equally valued.

Speaking from personal experience, this kind of thinking can lead us to expect physical affection to always lead to sex. It had been so ingrained in me that men wanted sex always that I went into marriage believing that any time we kissed or touched or anytime my husband saw my body, we were going to have sex. Not only is that not reality, but it would be unhealthy in a marriage for a couple to only be physically affectionate with the end goal of sex in mind.

My third major problem with this concept deals specifically with how we are talking to teenagers about sex, purity, and abstinence. I have seen and heard many Christian leaders try to produce “purity” in teenagers by building fear. The message is often something along the lines of “If you take one step down this road, you will lose control and not be able to stop yourself.”

I have to wonder if this isn’t a little bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy with teenagers. If you are constantly being told (directly or indirectly) that you are incapable of making good decisions, eventually you will start to believe it.

I return to my earlier point that this view is damaging because it fails to look at the person (specifically the teenager) as a holistic being. This attitude ASSUMES that you must be controlled by your sex drive above all else. You set strong boundaries out of fear that your sex drive will take over and you will lose control.

If you are committed to waiting until you’re married to have sex, then it is NECESSARY to set boundaries on your physical relationships, but the fear of accidentally having sex shouldn’t be the reason for that. In fact, I don’t believe that fear is a good motivation for doing anything.

I wonder if instead of teaching teenagers that they need to set these boundaries because they CAN’T make good decisions, we honored them as whole human beings who possess a sex drive, but also will and intellect and emotions and, for Christians, the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Teenagers (and adults!) are still growing in their ability to balance all of these things. Even as adults we need healthy boundaries around any activities that we may go overboard with and that would cause one aspect of our humanity to be out of balance with the others. Setting boundaries is a way that we help ourselves to grow in wholeness.

So instead of looking at it through the lens of “These are the things I’m not going to do because I am afraid I’ll lose control” I think it would be far more powerful to choose what you ARE going to do and why you are going to do it. “I’m going to set boundaries that help me make wise choices so that I can grow as a WHOLE and complete person.”

With this kind of attitude, the boundaries you set are not just about controlling or suppressing your sexuality. They are about engaging your mind and your will, creating opportunities to listen to the Holy Spirit and to grow in your ability to consistently make good decisions. Boundaries are not about restricting you because you are out of control. Boundaries are about creating opportunity for you to make the good decisions that you ARE capable of making.

[Lily Dunn is an ice cream connoisseur, a Disney fanatic, and a fellow raiSIN hater trying to live an authentic, grace-filled life. She lives and teaches with her husband in Daegu, South Korea and blogs at https://lilyellyn.wordpress.com. Follow her on Twitter @LilyEllyn]  

[For the Intro to this series, click here]

[For some of my own thoughts on the ‘How Far is Too Far?’ during dating question, click here]

Marriage Year 5: Meet Jackie and Tim Barker

We got married on the 28th of November 2009.
Best decision ever.

Seriously.

We have both loved being married and will often wonder how we got to be so blessed.
There were a few things we decided on early in our marriage that has made a world of difference, and we have practiced them ever since.

Firstly… We decided to never leave the ‘honeymoon stage’. Everyone around us who heard how happy we were kept saying things like “that’s so sweet… You’re just in the honeymoon stage.” As though there would be a time when suddenly we didn’t love each other so much and wouldn’t have such fun being married.

The honeymoon stage ends because you choose to not see the other person like that anymore. We decided early on that we will actively choose to be madly in love with each other every single day. We climb into bed every night snuggle up and say to one another, “I’m so grateful for you. You rock my world. I love you.” Or something equally mushy… And we mean it.

The second thing we decided that in communication, if something could be taken in two ways… One of which isn’t so nice… Then we choose to hear the nice version. We believe that neither of us ever wants to actively hurt the other. So if something hurtful was said it was either done by mistake or out of a place of tiredness or personal hurt. This prevents so many arguments before they even start, and allows for gentle conversations of “you said this and it really hurt me…. Are you ok?” Which is a very different angle to accusation.

Lastly, we keep no record of who does or gives what. We actively try to out-give each other, and graciously accept what the other does for us. With both of us working full time and with a baby now, this is especially true. It’s never a case of ‘well I did the dishes so you must…’ Rather we see what needs to be done and both do it so that we actually get to bed… sometimes before midnight! Tim’s mantra (a bit tongue in cheek) is “Happy wife, Happy Life!”

We realise, reading back over that, that it sounds awfully starry-eyed and idealistic…. Maybe we are still in the Honeymoon phase! But by God’s grace we will work exceptionally hard to stay there because it’s worth it. Before we got married we were told over and over how much hard work it was and how much you struggle with each other and how difficult it was… To the point where we wondered why anyone would want to get married!!!

While there is work involved it is work that keeps us happy and in love and having fun – and what could be better than that?

[To read the next Marriage Year 5 post by Lily and Jonathan Dunn, click here]

The Character Equation: Saying and being sorry

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.” [Jack Handey]

Ah, i love me some Jack Handey, but as i continue to look at some different aspects that define the character of a person, i’m not quite sure that would be the best approach.

However, when we hear the word “Sorry!” coming out of our mouth, we should always be asking ourselves one key question:

i imagine, to some great extent, that uttering the phrase, “I’m sorry” is a natural response to being caught in some kind of wrongdoing or hurt-causing and we should always at some point, really take a moment to pause and think about how sorry we actually are.

There is a difference between saying the words, “I’m sorry!” and actually being sorry. Maybe a word like repentance is more helpful because it carries the idea of an about turn or a change in direction. Is my action following my wording going to back up my wording? This links to closely to the post i wrote on your actions needing to back up your words and the phrase, “Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear the words you speak.” 

Trying to move away from false knee-jerk apologising would be a good start in this. Another quote i read on this went along the lines of encouraging you not to give an excuse when you apologise. If there is a reason for your action or if something was misunderstood and an explanation feels necessary then it might be more helpful and meaningful to separate the two. When you say the words, “I’m sorry, but…” it probably starts to feel about as believable as a good old, “I’m not racist, but…” [almost always followed by a racist statement of note!] An “I’m sorry but I really shouldn’t have to be sorry and here are the reasons why” kind of thing.

So maybe figuring out what a valid apology is. Maybe it is simply, “I’m sorry that you were hurt” or “I’m sorry that your expectation was not missed” or something that acknowledges the pain of the other person.

A QUICK RECAP

# Am i genuinely sorry? Am i seeing my fault in this? Am i owning whatever was my responsibility in this situation?

# Am i apologising in a way that doesn’t sound like it is coming off as an excuse which really negates the whole apology?

# Am i planning on changing my actions or doing something to make this thing better or giving recompensation where necessary?

[This last point a particular touchy point for most white South Africans i imagine – of course we are sorry for apartheid and everything that went with it, but we don’t particularly want that to cost us anything.]

KICKING THE LIE IN THE FACE

i remember reading this statement as a child, probably in one of those “Love is…” cartoon strips that were so popular then:

‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry.’

Urgh, what a load of raiSIN-infested bollocks! But really. It might sound like a good idea. And can be truth if you are pursuing the idea of saying alone not being helpful. But if the idea is that you never have to own your crap or change your direction or back pedal and make up for something jerky you did, then it really is an unfortunate greeting card and nothing more. Love is being committed to serving the other person and grabbing hold of responsibility for actions or words even when that is uncomfortable or painful for you, because you know that you were in the wrong. When this is coming from both parties, then strong relationships start to form.

And a whole lot more, I’m sure, but for now, just the opportunity to reflect on the idea that being a person of character means taking responsibility in the best and most helpful and healing of ways when, intentionally or not, you mess up and hurt someone else.

[To return to the beginning of this series on Character, click here]

turns out Sharing IS Caring!

 

[Tuesday May 13th]

I am taking a break from a Share conference I am attending as part of Common Change…

I really wish I could capture the heart and essence of the opening remarks and the morning’s sessions, but I imagine I will fail dismally.

But I will try out something together anyway because I really believe this is something we all need to be thinking about, reading up on, talking about and getting involved with.

Especially for those of us who try and follow Jesus and get particularly excited by the picture of the early church in Acts 2.42-47

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = TIME PASSES = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

[Fri May 16th]

So it is a few days later now and the conference thoughts and conversations with kilt-wearing Scott and his lovely wife Jo-Jo and my beautiful wife Val are still resonating in my mind.

Also my head is remarkably pain-free which should be normal but has not been for the last month until yesterday’s root canal which seems to have sorted that all out and which was made possible by a very generous donation from our Common Change group who covered the complete procedure [which would have really been difficult for us to get to, especially with a huge transition and move back to South Africa just around the corner] and so that is bearing physical testimony to the fact that this thing really works. Groups of friends pooling money and then meeting needs of people they care about.

The one idea that jumped out at me at the conference earlier this week was the phrase “Access over Ownership” which is so huge, both in terms of Sharing Economy and a new way of thinking and living, but also in terms of the idea of how the environment is impacted positively when we start sharing the things we have [think four people car pooling as opposed to four invididual cars, think four households sharing a washing machine as opposed to four washing machines largely being inactive etc] and how it encourages a greater or more intentional community as we are brought face to face with the people we are sharing with.

# They discussed six areas of Sharing including money, transportation, accommodation and things.

# Organisations such as Common Change, Lyft, Airbnb and Acts of Sharing.

While this may not present the end to capitalism as we know it, or even possibly the best solution to capitalism as we know it, the Sharing Economy definitely seeks to tweak and adapt the systems that we have so that the person on the street can be more involved in being directly involved in making the money and in both the giving and receiving of different services and items in a number of win-win situations.

For many of the people we interact with, this is already bordering on old school, new way of thinking stuff… but i imagine that for a lot of my friends back home and maybe some of you as well, this could be quite light-bulb illuminating, a eureka moment of why-did-we-never-think-of-this-before? And it’s not like it hasn’t been happening for hundreds and maybe thousands of years in traditional tribes and rural villages and more extended family embracing communities, but as an idea that is starting to affect and inspire and ignite the mainstream into action, it has a strong feel of new to it.

IT BEGINS BY THINKING DIFFERENTLY

My beautiful wife, Val, has this saying that she has embraced as a life mantra that she found and which goes like this:

‘We’re not thinking our way into a new way of acting; we’re acting our way into a new way of thinking.’ [Katherine Fulton]

And we have done just that. In small ways so far, but hoping for opportunities to do more in the months and years to come:

# Two years ago we joined a group called Relational Tithe [now Common Change] where we gave ten percent of our earnings to a common group fund and then shared needs of people we were in one degree of relationship with to the group and were able to help a whole lot of people in exciting ways. For the last 15 months we have been working full-time with Common Change.

# This year we hosted Couch Surfers for the first time and it was such a great experience.

# During the conference we visited our friends who were renting an Airbnb apartment for the week and got to have a glimpse of that.

One of our shared values is Hospitality and so we are looking to have a place with an extra bedroom in it when we move back to South Africa [like we did here in Oakland, California] so that we can live out that value by hosting people – those we know and are friends with and also hopefully strangers and friends of friends and possibly even people we meet who are in need.

If you’ve never thought about this, please THINK ABOUT IT.

If you’ve never talked about this, please TALK ABOUT IT with your friends, family, work colleagues, sports teammates.

If you’ve never done something about this, please DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT – try something once, experiment, take a risk, explore…

Together we can change the way the world is operated – this is an exciting time we stand at… don’t be left behind [or merely choose to continue working within the old system]

 

 

I would love to hear your stories and experiences of any of these things you have tried or benefited from or given a chance to so please leave them in the comments below.

Taboo Topics: Race – Mixed Race Connections – Meet Kathy and Philippe Gradidge

When Brett asked for some volunteers on this topic I sprung at the chance but it has taken me a while to get some words down as I wasn’t sure what to say or what aspect to focus on or what I really wanted people to get out of this post… To be honest I am still not 100% sure but I hope either way it will challenge you to think deeply about race, relationships and your own prejudice.

My name is Kathy and I am married to Philippe. I am white. Philippe is coloured. [Brett: While we realise that in Americaland, calling someone ‘coloured is highly offensive, in South Africa it is the descriptive name of one of the diverse groups that make up our beautiful country and so it is helpful to know that, especially if you are from Americaland]

We will be married 5 years in June. Our relationship was pretty whirlwind… we met, went on our first date 1 week later and within 3 months were already talking about getting married, got engaged after 6 months and married a year (almost to the day) after meeting.

When my Grandmother met Philippe for the first time she said to me “You do realise he isn’t white?” To be honest I had noticed! But mostly our friends and family were supportive. We got used to the stares by strangers (and there are stares) by giving them something to stare at (mostly long kisses!)

The differences in our upbringings were not too huge… We both come from families with 2 parents with similar values and beliefs and we both have siblings (Philippe a few more than me). We both attended university and actually met while both doing our Masters.

I, however could attend any school I wanted and was never given hassles about the colour of my skin. I, however could go to any beach I wanted and was never asked to leave because of the colour of my skin. My family could live wherever they wanted and not only in a “coloured” area.

I think back to my preconceived ideas about coloured people (with a bit of shame) and how I asked him if he was ever in a gang or was there gang violence in the area he grew up in?  Embarrassing really!?

Being in an inter- racial relationship has taught me on the one hand that it really is true – we are all the same. It has also taught me on the other hand- that we are not. We are not the same in how we handle situations, how we relate to people, how we think about situations such as politics or race. BUT I don’t think those things are due to differences in race. I think they are due to differences in upbringing, education, life experiences and family interactions.

And here is another BUT…

BUT In South Africa where privilege is very tied up in race because of our history, race does ultimately have an impact on your socioeconomic status, your education, your life experiences and even your family set up. And so does result in differences and sometimes divisions.

In our marriage, we love to joke about “it’s cos you are coloured” “it’s cos you are white” and we can because it is our safe space. But we also tread carefully around race when we are fighting/ arguing because an attack on race may be misinterpreted as an attack on the other person’s identity, culture and family. What we try keep in mind is that these differences are not necessarily race related but upbringing, family and personality differences…

Marriage is hard work and an inter-racial marriage is at the end of the day just a (more colourful) marriage. Coming into marriage I unconsciously felt my (and therefore my family, culture, races) way of doing things was the right way. I have to consciously remind myself that my way isn’t necessarily the right way.  And I don’t always get it right. But it feels like a good thing, a positive thing- to think outside my small box of past experience. And it is a great thing to navigate life and all these new experiences with the love of my life, even if he has more melanin than me!

============================================

Kathy also wrote a piece about her son which i want to include here as well:

My name is Kathy and I am white (a particularly pale white!) and I am married to Philippe who is coloured. We have a son who is… (Pick an option)

a) coloured b) white c) white/ coloured d) who cares!

One of my most vivid rac(ial)(ist) moments with my son was when I took him to the local Dischem to have his immunisations. As I got there I turned my back to the queue to fill in the sign in sheet (so I didn’t lose my place in the queue).  While I had my back turned with my son staring over my shoulder at the people already waiting this old lady says to her son (in not her inside voice): Wasn’t that a white lady? How does she have that child?

Needless to say her son was VERY embarrassed and apologised profusely and explained his mother was a little senile… Out of the mouths of… senile old ladies???

I also get asked a lot “ What nationality is his dad?” I think this is people’s polite way of asking whether his dad is white/ black/ coloured/ indian.

I think our sons (racial) identity is one of the things that I think about a lot. In South Africa being coloured is a distinctive racial group. This is different from other countries where coloured is more a term used for people of a mixed race. In SA coloured people have a separate culture, language and identity. And although us white English SA’s often complain that we don’t have a definite identity or culture, we do.

In raising a child you realise that your identity is pretty tied up in your race and culture. And I am aware that knowing your identity and culture are important factors in feeling secure in who you are. Luckily as Christians we have a new identity and culture. And as a family we are trying to create our own traditions that merge our different cultures and identities and create a safe place. A safe place where he can grow up secure in the knowledge that although he doesn’t fit neatly into a census check box he is loved, he is our son, he is Gods son and he has a place in this world.

 

[For other stories on Mixed Race and Culture connections, click here]

[For other conversations on all different aspects of Race-related things, click here]

Taboo Topics: Race – Mixed Race Connections – Meet Marcia Wells and Florian Adler

Marcia’s Point of View

Initially when Florian and i started talking, the race factor did cross my mind but didn’t bother me at all. Florian is such an amazing guy, our personalities just clicked right away…

I think we get the best of both worlds and culture. Sometimes i even forget that we’re interracial. I don’t really think about it.

Do race and ethnicity matter when it comes to relationships? apparently, race is mattering less these days with the exception of about 20% of people who still seem to can’t get past the fact that different races can fall in love. I must admit, sometimes when we’re out at the mall or just out for dinner, i’d notice a few people staring, but that doesn’t faze me at all.   Florian is so cool, calm and collected about US, OUR RELATIONSHIP and OUR LOVE that just by seeing us through him gives me the assurance that this love was meant for me. In the beginning of our relationship, i was a bit nervous about telling him some things that probably would be difficult for him to grasp, like the fact that the hair on my head is a weave and that he should not, under any circumstances run his fingers through my hair !!!, Is not allowed to wet my hair and pull on it !! Lol… But later on in the relationship, we reached a level where i felt he was ready for the revelation… hahaha… Now i have my weaves lying around everywhere in the apartment.

Dating Florian allowed me to know about different cultures, particularly the German culture which involved food, religion and family structure. I have no worries about my family understanding our relationship because i come from a pretty much diverse family and being a product of an interracial relationship, my parents and family have embraced us most lovingly.

I can’t wait for the next chapter of our lives… ️️️ With God’s blessing, we’re about to create MAGIC !!!

Florian’s point of view

I guess, my experience on being in an interracial relationship is somewhat different from Marcia’s. I come from a country without a history of apartheid or racial segregation, so, in general, it doesn’t really seem to me as a big deal. Growing up, I was always taught that despite our different looks, inside we’re all the same. I carried this strong believe throughout my life and so when it comes to how I treat people or who I date, race is never a factor. When I started dating Marcia, I did realize though that there are at least some differences. Until after 2 months into this relationship, I didn’t know what a “weave” was. She explained it to me and also told me that the lavish hair that many African American celebrities from Beyonce to Naomi Campbell wear is not really their own. This was quite a revelation! Even to this day, I’m sometimes startled when I open a drawer in the bathroom and find her scalp in it (of course, it her weave ). So, I had to realize that – for an African woman – taking care of your hair is quite a process. Skin care, on the other hand seems to be easier. Occasionally, I found myself envying her a little for her soft and flawless skin. I also don’t seem to be able to spot any change in color on her skin. One day when we came back from the beach, she asked me whether her skin is red. I looked at her and replied: “How do I tell?”

I do notice occasionally that she does have a different view on our interracial relationship. Often times we catch people on the street staring at us. She told me one day that she thinks the people stare at us because they have a problem seeing a black woman with a white man. I always thought the guys were just staring at HER because she looks so smashing. Maybe it’s a little of both…

Overall, I think, my experience of this relationship confirms what I learned as a child: Despite our differences in appearance and the fact that we come from completely different cultures, we have really a lot in common. I can only encourage people to not consider race as a factor in choosing someone to share your life with. If you disregard a large majority of people based on race or ethnicity, you might just miss out on the person you’re truly most compatible with. And I consider myself extremely lucky that my right match is this amazingly beautiful and wonderful woman that I am so in love with.

 

[For another story on Mixed Race and Culture connections, this time with Kathy and Philippe Gradidge, click here]

[For other conversations on all different aspects of Race-related things, click here]

 

Taboo Topics: Race – Mixed Race Connections – Meet Roxanne Rhoda and Gregory Jewell

[Disclaimer: while in Americaland, the term “coloured” is a strongly negative term, in South Africa there is a unique group of people who have come from a heritage of different cultures but now have developed their own distinct culture. They are neither black nor white, nor are they mixed race, and they would call themselves ‘coloured’.]

 

We’re no different than any other couple.

Well, we are. Roxanne is from South Africa and colo(u)red and Greg is from America and white. The biggest differences we see between the two of us are our height and the fact that we spell words differently. So for this article, as we are writing it together, we will overcome inter-racial issues by spelling words both ways.

Recently, we were at a wedding where Roxanne introduced Greg to someone as her fiancé. This (white) man looked at her and then looks at him and the following conversation transpires:

Him: “Aren’t you colo(u)red?”

Rox: “Yes”

Him: “Don’t your parents mind?”

Rox: “Not at all”

Him: “Well, well done on you guys being progressive.”

Rox: “um… thanks?”

Thankfully, we don’t often have conversations like that but unfortunately there are still many people who think it is “progressive” for people to date cross-culturally.

We don’t.

One of Greg’s pet peeves is when someone says that Rox is “marrying up” as if the colo(u)r of his skin makes him a better person. He obviously feels that’s a load of horse manure.

Occasionally, we see someone do a double take in the mall, or someone asks an ignorant question, but actually, because we accept each other it doesn’t really matter whether strangers accept us or not.

We met, we fell in love. We have decided to get married. The fact that we are different colo(u)rs has not affected us in the least.  Actually, our oddness is so similar that it makes our cultural differences (which truthfully aren’t huge anyway) seem even less.  And our families love each of us individually and as a couple – why should race stop us from loving each other?

Yes, we have occasional disagreements but generally those are to do with us both being human beings more than the colo(u)rs of our skin.

While planning our wedding there have been a few cultural differences but those have been fun to discover. We will now have an American rehearsal dinner and a Colo(u)red catered reception – keeps everyone happy and celebrates both our heritages.

We love God. We love each other. And we love being able to celebrate being different with one another.

[To read the next story of mixed race and culture connections and meet Marcia Wells and Florian Adler, click here]

[For other conversations on all different aspects of Race-related things, click here]