On publically criticising and being criticised…

‘Not taking offense is 10 times harder than not giving it. Try going a day without taking offense when criticized. ‘

That is how Peter Enns ends off this simple but profound blog piece titled ‘6 thoughts–let’s call them tips–on publicly criticizing and being criticized’ and while you should totally go and read the whole piece to see his explanations of each point, i thought i would simply share the six points he makes:

1. To write is to be criticized.

2. Make the other feel “safe.”

3. Learn from your “enemies.”

This is a good one: Our “enemies,” those who think what we write is stupid and who tell us so, should not be ignored. If we listen, we may hear something that only our detractors have the courage to say. They may actually be on to something.

4. Leave it be–at least for a while.

5. Imagine that, however you respond, you will have to read it to that person in a week. 

6. Don’t take offense.

Really helpful stuff for writers in particular and as Peter says early on in this piece:

to sum up: if criticism is hard to take, avoid all human contact and especially writing about God and the Bible.

and if there was a number 7 it most definitely would have looked something like this:

[7] Don’t get sucked into the Troll comments… you do not need to make everyone happy or convince everyone and if you manage to do that, then the chances are you are probably wrong – Truth brings conflict because it causes a reaction from untruth and will always be attacked and taken on and battled against… don’t get caught up in pearl-before-swine-ing beyond what may be helpful. [As my mate Yaholo would say, ‘The goal in any debate is not to win the opponent, but the audience.’]

Although if number 7 had a corollary, for me it would be this – Responding to people you disagree with [and in some case trolls] with love/grace/a kind answer is often more likely to affect other people watching from the shadows than the actual person you are having the discussion with – i see this often – i know that i am unlikely to change the person i am having intense discussion with, but i know people are watching and sometimes i continue to argue/discuss for a bit longer than i normally would with the hope that it is meaningful for some of the spectators who are interested and possibly a little more open-minded with the topic at hand.

[Make sure you check out the full article here]

Taboo Topics: Race – 10 Important thoughts for the Rainbow nation to hear and know – by Busi Ledibane

As a nation we are celebrating 20 years of democracy and while there is still a lot that has to be done in this country of ours that bears the horrible scars of Apartheid, I am still proud that we are here. It means something because at least we are not where we used to be.

There are still many conversations that still need to be had, of course and the sooner we get talking, the better. Like with the whole race thing. I’m glad we are talking about it. We need to because quite frankly, I get peeved by South Africans hiding behind their Twitter handles and the comment sections of News 24 articles to air their views about race. If you want to say something, say it now because after 20 years, we really should not still be here, where race is still a thing that divides us. I don’t want my children to grow up in a place like that.

So, here are a couple of things I would like to say about race. Yes, I am one of those people. I talk about it freely, not to be racist but to show that I’m not going to be held captive by something that stupid. This is not for one particular race group but for all race groups, hence I don’t want it titled “Things I want my white friends to know.” These are things that everyone should be aware of and start working towards.

With all of that said, I would like to state that I am no expert on race so some of the things I say, you may not agree with and that’s fine. The reason we’re doing this is to get a conversation started so let’s do it:

1) There has been much said about white privilege and people saying that white people must agree that it is indeed a thing. And then of course, there have been white people who have been hurt and offended by these comments, taking it as a way of trying to make them feel guilty. You’ve read all those and honestly, I think we all need to sit around a fire and have that conversation soon. Right now however, I’m going to put a different spin on it.

I am not so much bothered by the fact that many white people are privileged because of Apartheid as much as I’m bothered by people of colour who treat white people better because they are white. I don’t know how many white people are aware of this, but you do know that the colour of your skin generally gets you better service/treatment right? And this is not your fault. I don’t want you to feel bad about it.

What I am trying to say is, people of colour who treat me like I’m less of a human being and then jump to help the white person hurt my feelings. The security guard in the super market or clothing store who follows me around when I’m just looking around. The beggar who treats me like I’m not there while asking my white friend for a R2. And the guy who rings the doorbell and when Mrs Radebe goes to open the gate, asks her where her madam is when it’s her house.

I get that it is a mindset, but I hate it. Maybe you want to talk about white people needing to admit their privilege, but I want the mindsets of people who still regard the white man as “baas” even though they won’t verbalize it to change.

2) The reason I started off with wanting to challenge the mindsets of people who are not white is actually because I am also just sick and tired of the belief that only white people are racist and black (or all non-white) people thinking that it’s okay to say racist things against white people. It’s not. We must never tolerate racism no matter which side it is coming from. Honestly, I feel like we as non-white people can sometimes let a lot of negative things said about white people slide when we would probably speak up if a white person said the same things about a black person.

3) This one is linked to number 2. Hey, white people, you are not racist! Okay, wait, what I mean is that you’re as racist as all other race groups. You, just like everybody else, are allowed to say, “black people.” You may think that calling us African is more politically correct, but it’s kinda not… because most of you reading this are probably South African…born and bred and that makes you Africans… Yeah.

4) “You’re well-spoken.” I can take that after I’ve just done a class presentation or speech. I just can’t take it when I can tell that you’re trying to work out if I’m adopted or wealthy. By the way, I’m neither.

5) While we’re on the topic, what is with black people hating on black people who went English medium schools and therefore speak English differently and have friends of all race groups? We don’t actually think we are better than you and we hate how you are always making us feel like we are not black enough. We are not trying to be black nor are we trying to be white. We are just trying to be ourselves.

6) And to the same people, I would also like to say, my dating a white man doesn’t actually mean I’ve achieved something great.

And also, what is with people who think that someone dating outside of their race is breaking some code? They are not. They are following their heart.

Too often I hear about things like black women saying mean things about the black guy who is dating a non-black woman. Like, why must you do that? He loves her and he is under no obligation to choose you. So nicely, I ask you, please get over it.

We need to stop looking at people from different race groups being together as something special or worse, something disgusting.

We need to stop looking twice or feeling the need to comment.

7) There is a colour hierarchy and it needs to become a thing of the past. I’m not going to write further on this point. You know it. You just pictured it in your mind.

8) Here’s another thing that needs to stop: associating certain accents with stupidity. There isn’t one South African accent, there are several and I don’t see why we should think it funny when someone doesn’t speak like a white English-speaking South African. Why should they?

9) Question: How much longer are non-black people going to avoid going into townships?

10) Finally, I would to say that, while we engage in this conversation of race, one thing we must always remember is that there is always someone who has to go through hardships because of the colour of their skin.

As much as white people need to be aware of their privilege, so should non-white people be aware of the fact that poor white people exist and are often ignored and unreached by the government.

Non-black people must be aware of the fact that it’s sometimes tough being black because even people from your own race group will assume you’re a criminal.

We should be aware of the fact that there is a coloured guy out there who is trying to prove himself to his white girlfriend’s family because they assume that all of the negative things associated with coloured culture are his lived reality too and therefore he cannot be good enough for their daughter.

We need to be sensitive to one another and realise that this conversation is not going to be an easy conversation to have. Some things will hurt because the truth hurts and some will hurt just because they do, but just because it’s not going to be comfortable, it doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.

We are a country that avoided civil war in the early 90’s. We stepped into freedom through a blood-less transition. We can get through this.

 

[For more thoughts and conversation on Race from different perspectives and angles, click here]

Taboo Topics: Race – Some thoughts from the Internet – on White Privilege and Post-Racial America

Let’s crank this thing up a notch. Two articles that have caught my attention recently [Thankx Tsholofelo for the first one] and have a lot to say in this Race conversation that we’ve started and are engaging with each other on [although am still hoping to see more of that].

These feel like they could be part of the ‘can of worms’ and ‘Pandora’s Box’ i was promised [threatened with?] when i said that i was going to start a conversation about Race on my blog, which thus far feels like it hasn’t happened. But i have this idea that a lot of people who are a greater part of the problem, if i could even get them to read these two articles, would easily dismiss them.

The only problem is that there is so much truth in each one. And it is truth that white people [who have traditionally or historically been the dominant race group in both Americaland and South Africa] really could do well with hearing, and trying to understand.

I have only included snippets from each article in this post, so do yourselves a favour and go and read the whole article and then come back here and share your thoughts, whatever they may be.

The first is an article titled, Racism 2.0: Living in a post-racial America by Zach Freshley [the lines i have quoted are not one section but rather different thoughts i have pulled out from different places in the article]

If I had a dime for every time I’ve been called “the whitest black guy I know”, I could pay off the national debt. Ok, not really, but you get the point.

That HAS to be one of the most offensive things someone can say to a black person i imagine? Black friends help me out? And the worst is, i have this strong inherent feeling whispering to me from some distant memory that i have probably said that to someone before. Completely not meant offensively. i dunno, am i over-reacting? today it just feels really unkind…

Wrong. Racism is sneaky nowadays. It lurks in our conversations. It slips its way into the way we interact with people of different races. It embeds itself into the way we think. It’s not blatant and it’s not obvious. And most times, it’s not even intentional. But its subtlety is exactly what makes it so dangerous.

People say things like this all the time and it drives me crazy. You take one look at the amount of melanin in my skin and assume that you know everything about me. You assume you know the type of music I listen to. You assume you know how I should dress. You think you know all these things because you don’t see me as a unique human being. You see me as a category. You see me as a box to be checked on the census form.

And while I don’t apologize for anything I’ve said, I don’t want you to read this as a white person and feel like I’m attacking you. Because I’m not. I just want to let you know how we as minorities feel. I wanted to give you a small taste of what I go through on a daily basis. Not to elicit sympathy. Not to make you feel like a terrible person. I just want you to think. I want you to think about the way you treat people you don’t even know simply because they have a different shade of skin than you do. I don’t want you to treat me any differently as a person because I’m black. I don’t want you to see the color of my skin and make judgment calls on who I am because of it. I don’t want to be Black Zach. I want to be Zach who happens to be black. And if I can get you thinking about that distinction and how it applies in your life, then I’ve succeeded.

the second article is one that has been doing the round on the book of facements and it is titled 18 things white people seem to not understand [because, White Privilege by Macy Sto. Domingo and i think there was maybe one i didn’t agree with, but the rest are so true [and i only came to realise, see or believe a bunch of them since living in Philly and now Oakland where we have witnessed them first and second hand to be true]. Again, go and read the full list, but here is a taste…

2. White Privilege is being able to watch a movie, read a book and open the front page of a newspaper and see yourself and your race widely represented and spoken for.

4 White Privilege is living in a world where you are taught that people with your skin tone hold the standard for beauty.

9 White Privilege is not having your name turned into an easier-to-say Anglo-Saxon name.

10. White Privilege is being able to fight racism one day, then ignore it the next.

14. White Privilege is being pulled over or taken aside and knowing that you are not being singled out because of your race/colour.

15. White Privilege is not having to teach your children to be aware of systematic racism for their own protection.

It is quite easy and maybe tempting to dismiss some of these things, either by denying that they are true at all or by throwing out a ‘Can’t we just be done with this all and move on?’ statement which refuses to admit and own up to the reality that some people face. White privilege for the most part, with people i know at least, is not something we necessarily have chosen, but rather something we need to realise we have simply by having been born white in the country we were born in. I encourage you to read through both of these articles with fresh eyes, really seeking to hear the truths that are being shared. The come back here and let’s engage in some conversation.

How does reading that make you feel? 

[To jump back to the start of this conversation on Race, click here]

Taboo Topics: Race – Meet Hari Kodabolu, some humour and the insulting idea of ‘The other’

Changing tack a little bit on this whole race conversation as we bring a little humour into it.

Comedian Hari Kondabolu appears on the David Letterman show and shares some race-related humour which becomes deeply insightful when you take a moment to realise some of the truths that the comedy is bases on and especially as he dives into the highly insulting idea of group of people from different races or cultures being classified simply as ‘Other’:

 

 

Have you ever been referred to as ‘Other’ in any context? 

 

[To return to the beginning of this series looking at different aspects of Race, click here]

 

Taboo Topics: Race – What I would love my white friends to hear – Meet Tshego Motiang

When this topic first came up, I chose not to get involved because I knew the controversy it would cause. People on all sides are generally exceptionally sensitive when it come to the topic of race. We can never just talk about our differences without an argument ensuing. Someone always has to overact out of offense and someone else will always have to pay by taking the blame. The conversation is almost not worth having because no one is ever willing to just listen and learn. Over and above that, I never considered myself a contender in the game. I was brought up differently, so I thought I had no say in the matter, but after reading the first post, I figured I could give it a shot.

I am a young black South African female who happened to be raised within the realms of the very popular western culture. Our parents wanted us to live and learn from the world without the restrictions and/or limitations of tradition. They wanted us to become who we were destined to be and not what culture dictated us to be. I was confused – but then again you would be too if you were expected to “hate” the enemy when they were the only friends you knew. While my sibling comfortably embraced some of our culture (speaking our mother tongue and befriending people of the same race), I chose to comfortably adopt the culture I was brought up in (white friends and speaking only English). It was tough because I never really knew where I fit in – when you have your feet in two different camps, there is always going to be a conflict of interest, but I’ll save you the sop story (and besides you’re already judging me)….

From my experience, I have realised that the question really shouldn’t be “What I Think A Specific Race Should Know” but rather “What I Think Everyone Should Know”. We’re all different and are influenced by our varying backgrounds, and it’s easy to just get angry and point fingers but it’s beneficial to learn and understand. Unfortunately, not everyone is going to know and/or relate to your past, your feelings or your point of view, so it’s your job to educate them. Instead of playing the oversensitive he said she said offense blame game, why not let curiosity be a teacher.

I have learnt through babysitting that kids will ask questions in order to gain understanding. Their intention is never to offend or hurt, but when they see something out of the ordinary; something they deem to be different, they want to know why and are brave enough to find out. And the answer you give them never changes their outlook or opinion of you. They don’t mock or tease you about it (well for the most part anyway), in fact, more often than not they leave having learnt something new and they respect you for it. You teach them what’s right and wrong and they will just go with it.

And so it should be with us adults, if someone is offending you or being uberly inquisitive, instead of pulling the race card or getting overly sensitive on the matter, why not respond by explaining why you don’t like it or why it makes you feel a specific way. There’s no point in getting angry and holding grudges over it – it helps no one and only creates more division among us. How will anyone ever know that something hurts you if you don’t explain it to them? There is nothing worse than having to walk on eggshells around a topic because we’re too scared of what the reaction might be… That’s just stupid!

We’ve got to put our fists down (stop being defensive) and have an open discussion about our differences. It’s time we learnt a little bit about each other in a safe non-threatening environment. Yes! Let’s discuss what my white friends should know and why, then turn the tables and discuss what my black, coloured, asian and indian friends should know and why. Let’s make it a group effort instead of a “them vs us” scenario; let’s get to know each other (what makes one person tick, may be a big fat joke for another – we’re ALL different like that), because the more you know the better you understand; and the better you understand, the more comfortable the interactions.

We won’t always get it right, but that’s why it’s so important to keep the lines of communication open, so we can continually learn along the way. It’s a never ending life lesson and we’ve got to see it as a journey, never a destination. It’s not a free ticket to be rude, judgmental and/or stereotypical… (try to see the bigger picture here) it’s an opportunity to gain knowledge and build relationship through understanding…

[For the next post, this time by Tasha Melissa Govender, click here]

Taboo Topics: Race – The power of words…

i came across this article,  ’21 Racial Microaggressions You Hear On A Daily Basis’, posted by Heben Nigatu on Buzzfeed, made me unbelievably sad, and in the context of the conversations we are having at Irresistibly Fish, felt like something worth adding in here so that some more people will hopefully have that ‘Oh’ moment of getting this a little bit more.

‘The term “microaggression” was used by Columbia professor Derald Sue to refer to “brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioral, or environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative racial slights and insults toward people of color.’ 

Click on the link to see all 21 pictures that were displayed, but here is just a sample to get a taste of how painfully some people get it wrong sometimes:

nortonism.tumblr.com

 

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nortonism.tumblr.com

 

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What is the solution or at least the next step forward from here? What is the way forward in any of this race stuff? 

i would suggest that a good next step [and maybe my friends from other culture and race groups can back me up here?] would be to have a conversation… to ask a question… to listen to a story…

# listening to someone’s story always seems like an excellent place to start

# asking people you are friends with whether there is anything you say or do that causes them offence from a racial/cultural perspective, and then being willing to listen to what they say if there is something [this could be such an important one]

What else is there? If anyone has comments or suggestions or thoughts on any aspect of this Race conversation, i have created a little place over here for you to come and have your say if you would like.

p.s. Moving it a little closer to home, take a look at this selection of similiar pictures [some heart-breaking] done at the University of Cape Town, as shared by my friend, Tsholo…

[To return to the Intro and a whole growing bunch of other conversation pieces on Race, click here]

 

 

 

 

Taboo Topics: Race – What I would love my white friends to hear – meet Siki Dlanga

Every important thing has been said particularly by Tsholofelo Mpuru! You nailed it girl. I don’t even know why I am writing but Brett asked and I said yes.

This is my pet hate. A lot of white people may not be guilty of this. I hope.

I mentioned to a Zimbabwean friend of mine this month just how much I absolutely detest being asked whether I am Zimbabwean by a white South African or former ‘Rhodesian’ who meets me for the first time. It is often the second sentence after a greeting.

I look nothing like a Zimbabwean even on my best or worst day. I know that there are tons of Zimbabweans in South Africa but come on! This has only happened in Cape Town though often in an all white environment. It will often be one odd white person who meets you for the first time who will ask that silly question. It does not happen all the time but it happens. It often makes me mad because for crying out loud I am in South Africa. I have never set foot in Zimbabwe even if I had this is South Africa, a land full of many different kinds of blacks who actually belong here. I suppose it is hard to believe that if you are a white Capetonian.

My Zimbabwean friends will confirm that I am not xenophobic. The issue at hand is that even where I live in East London I was speaking to an Afrikaans white friend who was telling me about her domestic help. One of her friends has only employed Zimbabweans in her business, and she was telling me about how a certain Zimbabwean fixed washing machines and sends them to Zimbabwe. She was very impressed by how industrious he was. She said it with a tone that said: “not like these blacks.” Only that she did say it, she said; “you know Zimbabweans are different, they are not like these people here.” While she was elevating Zimbabweans as the better blacks she finished her sentence and remembered that I was black. I was boiling but what constructive words can come out of a furious person. I was furious not because of just her but of the general white South African attitude which in my books fuels xenophobia with these negative attitudes and perceptions towards local black South Africans.

The first time I ever came across this was a decade ago. Another Zimbabwean friend of mine was telling us of the despicable racism they experienced as a group of blacks by a white South African couple. She also said that the white racist couple treated them better than the black South Africans because they were told that they were the ‘better blacks’. Imagine that.

Needless to say, in Cape Town I have encountered many whites who have echoed this debasement of South African blacks as they elevate the non-South African black as the better black who must be protected from these hostile black South Africans. What I have also learnt is that some of the non-South African blacks hectically disapprove of the same white people. In fact a Malawian thought a Mugabe style of leadership was what we needed to get rid of the very white people that love them. I was shocked because I knew that the white people bent over backwards to protect the poor Malawians from these terrible black South Africans.

I have heard the same thing from South African whites who have been to America. I have heard complaints at times that the African Americans are not like us. Can we get a break?

What is this, a search for the most acceptable black? Why can’t a black person be accepted period?

Granted that human beings are slaves of comparison regardless of race, however other times it is more insensitive and hurtful than other times. In this case it is very destructive. I do wish that more people were sensitive to this.

The point is that if we are going to live together in unity in this country something has got to give. There is a reason that the black people in this country are the way they are. Some of it has to do with our difficult history. God placed us here. I know that is hard to believe but He thought this is exactly where He wants to place us. I understand that our past is quite involved and difficult but we actually do need to face one another and not wish for another breed of people that are more acceptable to you or me. This is it. Look close. We are not that bad in fact we are actually very beautiful people. The moment we connect with each other’s beauty we will not be able to see where one ends or the other begins. We have a great future as a rainbow nation but the walls of hostility and demonising one another must go away so that we can unite as one people.

You can read more of what Siki has to say by taking a look at her blog – madamemadiba.wordpress.com

[For the next amazing post in this series by Tshego Motiang, click here]