Marriage Year 9 : Meet Bettina and Kevin van Antwerpen

Kev and I met in 2000, and started dating shortly afterwards.

In 2002 I was diagnosed with a (thankfully non cancerous) tumour on my pituitary gland situated in the centre of the head just below the brain and behind the nose and eyes. Over the next few years Kev was a great support through numerous tests and scans and especially when I had my first brain surgery in 2004. After seeing the doctor a few months after my surgery we got engaged believing that the worse of things were over and we could now start a new part to our lives together and leave this in our past as stronger people. The doctors had all said that in only 1% of cases the tumour returns and they felt that I would not fall into that 1%. In May 2005 we got married and were both reasonably young as I was 22 and Kev was 25.

In the October of 2005 I started feeling sick but due to the symptoms of the tumour being similar to pregnancy we got a little scared as we’d always discussed being married for 5 years before having kids but knew that if I was pregnant it was in God’s hands and all would be fine. I went to my GP and he did a few blood tests including testing for pregnancy and checking other bloods that would indicate if the tumour was back. A day later when the GP phoned me back I was unprepared to hear his words telling me he thinks the tumour is back.

What followed was more scans and tests to confirm what was my worst fear and it was found the tumour had returned. The doctors then tried a medication which was supposed to keep the tumour under control but I unfortunately had very bad side effects and couldn’t stay on the medication for longer than a week. During this time Kev started working more and more hours which was partly due to demand at work but also because he was scared of what was going to happen to me.

In March of 2006 I had my second brain surgery which was very difficult for Kev. We hadn’t even been married for a year and yet we were having to discuss the options of what to do if something happened during the operation. Thankfully God oversaw the operation again and I was fine. My blood levels dropped and we thought I was on the road to full recovery when in August/September 2006 my blood tests showed an increase again which showed there was again a tumour.

In October 2006 I underwent a specialised radiotherapy to try and kill off the tumour. Again the doctors felt this would clear up anything that was left behind and there would be no more issues with the tumour. Early in 2007 my blood tests were not as low as the doctor was wanting so they tried me on another medication which he warned would have very bad side effects but thankfully I suffered very few side effects in the first month and thereafter I was fine on the medication and returned to a more normal life again. Around the same time Kev and I moved house so that I could be closer to our friends, family and church.

In December 2010 I received a call from my neighbour, while I was out with a friend, asking if I was okay as she could see smoke coming from our house. We rushed home to find the fire department putting out a fire that had destroyed most of our house. In the next month and a half we saved the few things we could from our house and dealt with getting builders and insurance started on replacing our house and our stuff. During this time I was often getting sick but Kev and I both put it down to being in the burnt out house and the stress we were facing, thankfully together.

In the February of 2011 I went for my annual scan (routine to make sure there was no change in the tumour and that the medication was still keeping the tumour under control.) in between dealing with builders. I read the report to make sure everything was the same as the previous year and instead I was a bit confused by what I was reading and spoke to two friends who were in the medical field to confirm what I thought I was reading. I also handed the scan to the doctors rooms and waited for his call for further confirmation but it was found that there was no sign of the tumour.

We will be married for 9 years in May this year and are currently still waiting on God to see if He will answer our prayers for children of our own but through these two large situations we have faced together we are thankfully, even through Kev “running away” through work, blessed with a marriage that has withstood all of this and more with God at the centre.

We have also learnt that we have to make time for our marriage and for each other and have now chosen to have one day a week that is generally booked for us time so we can continually build on our marriage no matter what comes our way or how busy we may get with work, sport or church commitments.

[To continue to another story from Marriage Year 9 with Matt and Kathy Allison, click here]

Taboo Topics: Singleness – Meet Beverley Rufener

Love (along with dating and of course mating eek) is a complicated beast, even more so when you are a Christian trying to forge a life(style) for one in a world that feels like it’s mostly built for twos. 

Navigating rights and wrongs can be enough to derail any fledgling flirtation and the pressure us singletons put on ourselves to ‘get things right’ can be so overwhelming at times because when really is the right time to message after a date, how soon is too soon to let things go far enough without going too far and at what point do you reveal that you may have slightly oversold on your saintly qualities.

This post isn’t for everyone in fact it may seem a bit risqué and perhaps a little too honest but it’s a very real look at singleness and I guess if anything is more for fellow singles who I hope will look at things a little differently if they make it all the way through my ramblings.

I wish I could say that being single was easy but there are moments when it can be outright overwhelming which is why I thought I would take a step away from ‘what I want my married friends to know’ and head towards ‘what I think all (struggling) singles should know.

1.      It’s not terminal. i.e. being single (particularly over the age of thirty) will not kill you.  Life happens and the faster you stop seeing your singleness as a meantime, limbo or waiting room the faster you can start living and exploring and embracing and enjoying.

2.     Everyone’s process differs. In a moment of annoyance and frustration one Saturday morning (after a particularly bad date) I decided to free myself of the numerous singleness focused self-help books I had accumulated.  There were 21.  Twenty One!  Though I believe there were some nuggets of wisdom in each, not one of them completely resonated with where I was at or what I had been through.  Own your process and get to know yourself it’s the most worthwhile investment you will ever make.

3.     Honestly assess why you want someone in your life.  If the words ‘age’ or ‘everyone else’ fall into the equation, chances are maybe this is something that needs to be relooked at. Relationships essentially involve a level of mutual seed sowing – don’t sow those babies where you know they won’t grow or be nurtured.

4.     Never underestimate the power of a lonely moment. Even the most rock solid of convictions can be compromised in the quest to find, create or sustain a connection.  Mechanisms such as whatsapp, snap chat and mxit provide a false sense of security and a distorted basis for interaction – many people have shared sobering moments of regret after nights spent over exposing themselves (take from that what you will) to virtual strangers and it comes from a need an innate need we all share to feel wanted and attractive and desirable.

5.     Know your boundaries and why you have them.  One of the most incredible conversations I have had of late revolved around how acknowledged, shared and respected core values form the basis for successful and thriving relationships. There is so much truth in this because it’s the root of who we are and where we are headed.

6.     Have a sense of humour. Be able to laugh at yourself and those dates that don’t go quite as planned.  Try to take something from each interaction even if it’s just a great meal or confirmation of what you are(n’t) looking for in a love interest.

7.     Go with your gut and trust your intuition. If it doesn’t feel right chances are it isn’t.

8.     Live in the moment. Embrace and celebrate love.  I spent a large portion of my twenties so wrapped up in meeting Mr Right that I missed out on the opportunity to really embrace the joyful happenings in the lives of those around me.

9.     Get out of your head, get out of their head.  Be present!  Nine times out of ten what we think the other person is thinking isn’t what they’re thinking at all.  That’s a lot of thinking to be doing in the first place.

10.   Have a predefined idea of what you want in a potential partner. A handy way of doing this is having negotiables, non-negotiables and items (potentially) for future discussion.

11.    You are entitled to a private life. For many singletons divulging details of their romantic and intimate on-goings can often feel like a good way to feel included when among those who are attached.  While its second nature to want to conduct a post-date autopsy it can lead to cloudy judgement stemming from mixed suggestions on what should come next, heightened pressure for things to go as planned and open the door to becoming the butt of jokes and jibes particularly if you like to add a little humour when regaling your friends with the story of how your dreamboat tried to convince you that stealing exotic plants from a local nursery and selling them for a profit would be a great idea if you wouldn’t mind helping him load them up (yes that really happened).

12.   Be real.  You will not meet the right person for you by misrepresenting yourself it’s too much hard work, makes for a shaky foundation and probably means you’re attracting individuals who aren’t being entirely honest either (eek).

13.   God provides, take comfort in that.  Look around you and come to the realisation that what you lack in partner is made up by the people you surround yourself with.  No matter what my need whether it’s a date for a wedding (who loves to dance and makes me laugh until my tummy aches), help changing a tyre, a listening ear and some male perspective or a lesson in setting up my latest gadget there is always always an answer to my call for help.

[To read another story of Singleness from my friend Alexa, click here]

[For more great stories told from the perspective of a single person, click here]

Taboo Topics: Singleness – Meet Cilnette Pienaar

I think it was during one of my road-trips through the country in 2012, somewhere in a backpackers close to Kimberley (of all places), where this verse became one of my favorite passages in the Bible: Song of Songs 7: 11 & 12 – “Come, my beloved, let us go forth to the field, let us lodge in the villages. Let us get up early to the vineyards, let us see if the vine has budded, whether the grape blossoms are open, and the pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love.” 

There is just something in that scripture that speaks so profoundly to me of freedom. Maybe it was, back then, the whispered hope that a shared adventure could actually be in the will of God for my life.

The Shulamite chick is just like: “WAAAAAAKE UUUUUUP!! I wanna go places and discover stuff with you …!”. She is just perhaps slightly more poetic and subtle about it.

There have been times where I wished I could just say the things she has the freedom to say. But as a result of religious stuck-ness, or self-discipline (depending on how you angle it …), the bravest attempts I’ve ever made still came out as something that ends with “… old buddy, old pal, brother, friend …”, accompanied by a side-hug or a shoulder-slap. I SERIOUSLY suck at being in love. I’m really good at hiding it, though. And that is not a conducive state for poetry to flourish in.

Be that as it may.

I sometimes get asked if I think I’ll get married someday. And then I also get asked why I’m not married yet.

My responses to these questions have evolved throughout the years.

My honest answer to the first question, at age 32, is still: I truly hope so. Because of Song of Songs 7:11 & 12. Marriage still seems to me like the shared Kingdom-ordained adventure that my heart has always known to be worth surrendering independence for. Which is becoming a more costly consideration by the year, might I add. So, in short: yes. I really hope the Lord has a plan for marriage in my life. I don’t know who my husband is, and I’ve asked the Lord to not show me first. So, I wait to see who sees what he has always hoped to see. Then I’ll decide if I agree with his vision :).

My reflective answer to the second answer depends on the emotional state I find myself in… When I apply sober judgment, my answer is: I think my expectations of marriage were detrimentally idealistic in my twenties. I am a poetically inclined, emotionally inspired, raging romantic, and I would have been desperately unhappy in my unrealistic, verging on idolized, expectation of what marriage “needed” to bring to my life … protection, provision, direction, security, comfort … Not that I don’t think that these are still part of the deal … but I think my insecurities would have been a too heavy burden to carry for even the humblest of men. So Jesus took those shots on my future husband’s behalf, and spared him the brunt of that war. Not that there aren’t more battles to fight for my heart, but I think many of my claws have been, in most instances, partially, retracted. Or a bit blunted, at least … :).

So, there you have it. I have just not been mature, humble or brave enough yet for the responsibility of trusting another person so fully.

Am I ready now?

That’s not my question to answer, thankfully. And there has not been much spare time to ponder about it, actually …

So, point of this indulging post being …

Some desires only mature through dying.

Without being overly dramatic, the reality is that I have actually had enough disappointments in this life to put me off romantic relationships for the rest of my time here on earth. I know from experience that Paul had a good point when he wrote in 1 Cor. 7 that singleness is by far the simpler option … (my paraphrase). But yet, poetry seems to persist.

My lifestyle is currently pretty much a chronicle of how significant any season can be when you surrender to God. Many of my desires have been expressed in some form or another over the past few years. My life really is full of so many amazing opportunities that would not have been possible if I had to be home in the evenings to care for a family – which I believe to be one of the noblest and fun ways to spend one’s time, by the way. It’s not that I don’t want to do that, or that I think that the rest of my life will stop once I get married. I have enough evidence in my married friends to see how many of them are now actually fully living out their destinies, because they have someone to encourage them to do so.

I am so blessed by the witnesses of the marriages that I see around me. I see in so many of them a testimony of shared adventure and combined strength for serving. That’s what I want. It’s just that I’m currently using the time I have not having that, to not sit around and wait for the time that I will have that too.

Fact is … my story has always been a bit off-beat. My marriage will probably have a slightly different rhythm as well. And that’s ok. I’ve never seen the point of white picket fences, actually … :).

But until such a time as that … I shall be traversing through villages, occasionally checking for pomegranate flowers … laying up all manner of fruit, new and old.

Marriage gets its significance from the Desire that it reflects.

And for the fullness of that Desire to be met, all of Creation is waiting.

Selah.

[For more from Cilnette, take a look at her blog titled ‘Tapesty of Thought’ which you can find over here]

[For another great post on Singleness by my friend Dani Scoville, click here]

Marriage Year 8: Meet Steve and Kristin Heineman

I tried to write about being married for 7+ years without mentioning kids, but it’s kind of like trying to discuss a laundry machine without mentioning clothes. Let’s get one thing clear straight off the bat: once you have kids, the length of time you are married ceases to be a very important thing. This article is about being married with kids. Deal with it. Kristin and I have been married for seven years, and we have three kids: a five-year old boy, a three-year old girl, and a one-year old boy. As soon as we figure out where they come from, we’ll stop having them.

What has changed since that memorable December day 7+ years ago when we said “I do”? Everything. Has our relationship gotten “better”? No. Oh, so it’s worse? Also no. What? It has transformed into something completely different than what it was, in the same way that you are not the same person you were at 14 as you are today. Am I going to do this whole article by asking questions and answering them? No. I hate it when that literary device gets overused. Don’t you? Yes, yes you do.

The short story of our marriage to this point goes something like this: We focused on each other, worked two jobs, and lived happily and extremely unfettered lives. Then we had kids, and life got harder. One job, shifted focus, more fetters. I was told by a wise friend that, once our first kid came around, my time with my wife would be cut by about 25%. He was dead-on. (Roughly the same ratio works each time you add a kid, by the way. I assume that, if we have 6 kids, we will be actively ignoring/avoiding each other 50% of the time.) Our relationship slowed down, just like traffic does when there’s a bad accident across the grass median. After the first few months, we got a handle on parenting enough where we could have normal conversations again and we discovered our relationship had changed.

For better or for worse, we had sworn. It wasn’t better. It wasn’t worse. When we looked at the structure of our lives, we realized that we had the added responsibility of making sure our son didn’t die because we forgot to do something like feed him, or buckle his car seat, or not sit him on the counter next to the knife block so we could answer our phone. Our focus drifted from each other to the dumber, needier entity in our family. We were in this thing together still, but we were now side-by-side… not face-to-face.

Two years later, our second child was born. Suddenly, the relationship changed again. I used to think that “having a kid” was the threshold, but there is added responsibility to your partner when there are two little ones to watch and keep away from the dog poop in our front yard when we don’t even have a dog (thanks a lot, neighborhood jerk). We began to realize that we were both burdened under this responsibility, and that there was no longer the expectation of “not having one child assigned to me at all times”. Two kids, two parents, one-on-one “man” defense. The best thing we did for each other during this early period was letting the other one get out of the house for a few hours. Those nights, if the stay-at-home partner had energy, we had great connection time with each other. We understood that we were taking turns taking bullets for each other. We appreciated it and loved each other all the more for it.

Our third kid came around, and our relationship hit a wall. You would think we would have expected it by now, but the truth is that parents keep thinking the next newborn will be easier to handle because we have experience. The truth is, we were now outnumbered. Zone defense, and the other side is always on a power play. The “easy” job was to just be responsible for one of the three kids. There were no “several hour breaks” like we allowed each other with two kids. There was a heavy sense of guilt if I decided to leave for a few hours and let Kristin handle the kids. I knew that it wasn’t earning me any points, and if I took advantage of time outside of the home that I could expect to go to bed after reading for awhile- and nothing else. No connection time. Kristin would be mad or spent or both.

Not that sex was (or is) used as a carrot/stick situation. Good Lord, let me try to avoid analogies when talking about sex. That just sounded creepy and gross. What I mean to say is, each successive kid has made it that much harder to have any energy or focus left for each other at the end of the day. It is very likely that one out of three kids will be having a bad day on any given day and require extra attention. That means that the other parent pulls “double duty” caring for the other two, and… sorry, my brain went to sleep typing that. I had to put all three kids to bed by myself tonight. Kristin is babysitting elsewhere, so I know we’ll both be spent by the time she gets home. I might even go to sleep before she gets home.

We celebrated seven years together as I assume any couple does: I went to the pharmacy and got her a cheap card, as well as some anti-itch cream and some scratch-off tickets (I was going with the whole “7-year itch” theme. I’m hilarious in my own mind). She didn’t get me anything, which is exactly what I was expecting: she had purchased me a 6-pack of beer from a “fancy” brewery earlier that week, and I still had some left- that was my present. We both knew it; it didn’t need to be said. She was exceedingly happy about the card and the stupid, cheap presents I got her. I was so happy I went overboard and had two beers, which is a lot when I’m tired and the kids will be up in six hours. Then we settled down to watch TV together. And do nothing else. Ah, sweet wedded bliss.

One thing we’ve noticed in the past year- and are actively working to defeat- is the situation that crops up from time to time where we are more roommates than a married couple. I’m sure you have read some of it here and it appalls you. Maybe you identify with it, and are secretly celebrating that someone else realizes it isn’t all goo-goo eyes and roses. It is so easy to get comfortable in routines, especially when we tell ourselves- and each other- that the kids need so much attention. It is easy to accept that the finances suck so we won’t be celebrating each other in any real fashion. It is almost a badge of honor to know that I don’t need to say anything, and Kristin will remember to feed the dog and take her out. (We got the dog, an Australian Shepherd mix, shortly after having our third kid. I have no idea how I convinced my wife it was a good idea. I sometimes even bring myself to clean the poop in the front yard. Sorry, neighborhood jerk. I misjudged you, and it was wrong of me. I understand you so much better now.)

The best thing about our marriage is that we DO talk, fight, cuddle, cry together, worship together, and spend free time with each other on purpose. I expect things to get a little easier when the kids get a little more self-sufficient, mainly because people with older kids have told me that’s how it works.

We have a couple of simple rules that we laid down when we got married, and they have served us well:

1. Do not ever mention divorce. Don’t joke about it in the same way you don’t joke about rape. It isn’t a funny thing. Don’t think about it hypothetically, and don’t leave it open as an option. Things may get bad, but we will only get through it together. We will emerge stronger.

2. Don’t lie, even about little things and especially about money. If you bought a $4 coffee, admit it. If you overdrew the account because you used the wrong card, tell me. If I am spending too much on fast food, let me know before it becomes a problem. We handle things better as a team with a common problem and a common goal than we do as two individuals with different information.

3. Don’t sneeze when you’re holding hands. We’re pretty sure that’s how she keeps getting pregnant. 

[For the next post on Year 9 of marriage with Anthea and Philip Godsmark, click here]

Marriage Year 7: Meet Bradley and Vicky Jones

My Wife’s name is Vicky and My name is Bradley. We have been married for 6 years. The first couple of years of marriage were fairly easy. We got married and two weeks later had to relocate for work. So it was just us which in the beginning was good, after a few years we added kids and then really started to miss our family and the “extra hands” they would be able to supply.

Two challenges that I am continually faced with as a father and a husband:

The hardest thing to learn is how to love your wife for how she wants to be loved without the influence of other past relationships. I had a tendency not to do something that I had done for a past girlfriend based on the fact they didn’t like it or they liked it too much. So, flowers were out from the beginning. Not a good way to start a relationship. What follows from that is not to give up trying to love and romance the wife, simply because she is yours. Your call is to love her.

Second hardest thing is as a father, I am blessed to have an awesome stay at home mom. Which means she is on kid duty most of the time, it becomes very easy to become disconnected and not actually do anything you should be doing. Just leaving it to the wife. This can cause some extra stress and also a disconnect between dad and kids, I need to constantly remind myself, to help the wife out, and intentionally make time for my kids. Quality and quantity is important. Just spending quality time with your kids an hour a week is unfair to your kids and to your wife.

[For a Marriage Year 8 post with specific relevance to parents, read Steve and Kristin Heineman’s account over here]

What my Single Friends would like their Married Friends to know: Meet Deborah Dowlath

The first time I found out that one of my close friends was getting married, I cried. A lot. Like if I found out she was going to die. I was only about 13 or 14 years old, but I felt that I was losing my friend forever. As I got older, I realised that it doesn’t have to be this way – I now see it as an opportunity to gain a friend, in the person of my friend’s spouse. Now, at age 34, most of my friends are married, so I have a lot of experiences, both positive and negative, with my married friends, and I would like to share some of these with you.

I appreciate when my married friends include me on their family vacations. While it is true that I have my own family vacations that I thoroughly enjoy, there is something special about going on vacation with my friend. Just the mere fact that I have been invited on their ‘family vacation’ shows how much they value my friendship, that I am treated more like family than just a friend. Also, it allows us time to have conversations that we may not have been able to have due to the demands of our divergent daily schedules.

I appreciate when my married friends trust me with their children. I love children, but since I have none that I have birthed, I love when my friends allow me to treat their children like if they were my own. I am grateful for the opportunities to fall asleep with a baby in my arms, and to see the excitement in their eyes when they go to the zoo for the first time, and to hear their laughs when we go to the beach, and to get cards on mother’s day saying “Thank you for all that you do for me”.

I appreciate when my married friends send me texts at random times just to find out how I am doing. It shows me that, although our lives no longer run in parallel, my friend still cares about me and makes the effort to let me know that they do. Sometimes months may pass until I next hear from them, but that’s OK, because I know that the love is still there.

I appreciate when my married friends are willing to make time for me when I have one of my “I need to talk to you” moments. Most of the times, just the fact that you make the sacrifice to hear my story is all I need.

But, my married friends are humans too, and there are sometimes when they do things that unintentionally hurt.

I do not appreciate when my married friends make insensitive comments about my singleness and then say “Just joking”. To me, it is never funny.

I do not appreciate when my married friends share details of their married lives with me that should just be between them and their spouse. To me, it is too much information.

I do not appreciate when my married friends ask me when I am planning to ‘settle down’. To me, I am already settled, because I am content in my present state.

I do not appreciate when my married friends who I have not been in contact with for a long time ask me if I have a boyfriend as yet. To me, if we were that close, I would have told you, so the question is unnecessary. I also do not appreciate the ‘as yet’ part of the question, as though it is understood that my singleness is a temporary state of affairs.

The truth is, I don’t know if God’s plan for me involves marriage. But the fact is that right now, I am single, and doing my best to live out God’s purposes for me in this season of my life. The best thing my married friends can do for me is to love me as I am, and don’t try to change me.

[To read what Chris Jacobs would like his married friends to hear and know, click here]

Marriage Year 7: Meet Leanne and Hilton Bennett

Hilton and I got married on the 7^th of July 2007. And yes! That would be 07/07/07 🙂

We have the privilege and honour of raising two incredible children.   Annabelle Joy is 3 and a half, and little man Isaac Levi (Zaccy) is just 18 months old.

Hilton “courted me” for about 6 weeks before we officially started dating, and 5 days later he told me that he loved me. I nearly fell off the chair.  We were at a friend’s 21^st, which we left pretty promptly because we had to have a DMC (Deep Meaningful Conversation).

It was that night that I told him there were no half measures.  Either we’re “in this” for marriage or we’re not going to pursue anything further.  Most men would run for the hills!  Not my Hilton.  He agreed.  We were “in this”.

My parents got divorced when I was 12 after some very tempestuous years of marriage.  I had convinced myself that I was never getting married – and what a wall I built!  Conflict was not something I wanted to encounter – ever. So in my head, best avoid marriage altogether.

God, however, had other plans.  I spent 2 years talking to a psychologist sorting out my issues (some of them at least!) learning how to handle good conflict, and when I was happy to be me, happy to be just me, it happened.

One of the things I appreciate most – that we’re “in this”.  There is no back door, no alternative, no other way out – because we believe, and we trust, and we’re safe. Safe in His palm, safe in each other, and safe within ourselves.

We’ve learned to read each other.  Hilton knows when I’m angry – which is secondary to hurt. I am quiet for a while, and then in a quiet space when I’m ready, we talk.  We don’t shout. We don’t yell. We don’t throw tantrums.  We talk.  And it’s good.

That’s not saying we always get it right.  We get annoyed with each other, we chirp, we get it wrong. But when it comes to the big things, we talk.

Covenant. It’s a safe place. A sacred place. A place of increase, of love, and lots of giggles and laughs. It is good – because God made it that way.

When you’re in it – you’re in it!

[For another year 7 story of marriage, this time by Bradley and Vicky Jones, click here]