Marriage Year 18: Meet Lara Harler Lahr and Chris

We have definitely gotten through some challenges in nearly 18 years of marriage. The challenges that seemed to be a big deal once, I actually look back and laugh about now.  At the time, the toilet seat being left up or the tooth paste cap off was no laughing matter. Now, there are bigger challenges of forgiving each other for things that seem unforgivable; learning to communicate about our differences of parenting styles rather than fight about them; learning to ask for help when we can’t do it on our own…

It has been through overcoming these challenges together that we have come to a place of trust for one another which has led us to an accountability. I can remember not that long ago if Chris would have said to me that I was being too hard on my daughter or had any kind of critique of my parenting style I would have gotten very defensive. Today I allow that criticism to be a mirror for me to see myself as others see me (especially my own daughters). Marriage has become that safe place where I can be myself and yet be challenged to be my better self. I have been reading a book that talks about how marriage is not just about making us happy, but making us holy. This can not be so if we are constantly defending ourselves to be the right one.

Things began to change for us when I realized that Chris wasn’t criticizing me to put me down, but to build me up into a better mom. Once I trusted this, I began to make changes in myself which liberated me from a deep rooted pride. I recognized more of my own brokenness and became more forgiving of his brokenness. We have learned gentle ways to remind each other when we are stepping into that area of struggle or sin.

We both had to recognize our own pride in order to break it down. This came through confession. The beauty of confession is that it brings freedom for the one confessing, and a avenue for grace for the one receiving that confession. Sharing vulnerably with each other has become a process filled with grace. This grace moves us towards change so that we can become who God created us to be. We have learned to love each other for who we are today but also to love who we are becoming.

[To head back to the beginning of this series and read a whole bunch of different stories, click here]

Marriage year 15: Meet Natasha and Dave Henning

Married 15 years this year… “It’s important to remember that there is a difference between being an awesome team and an awesome couple. Teams can work well even if the teammates don’t connect on a deeper level.”  

As time goes on, the roles and job descriptions for everyone in your family unit sets in. Who sorts out the kids lunch, who buys the milk, who pays what bills, who handles the social calendar…after a while it starts to run so efficiently that even the kids know which parent to ask for what.

At the beginning of last year we hit a BUMP & I am so glad we did. All of a sudden it dawned on me. We would go away camping for the weekend with a bunch of friends, put up the tent like a well-oiled machine, everyone with their job description … Then without even realising it we will spend the whole weekend chatting to everyone else and meet up again at bed time, because even at meal times we would often miss each other because Dave’s would be at the braai & I would be making the salad with the ladies making salad. Then we’d meet up again to pack up the tent. We had become completely independent in our marriage. This might be okay for some, but I want more out of life…. It can happen so easily and be so subtle that you don’t even notice it. But when it dawned on me, I had a complete melt down.

First ever & neither of us were really equipped to handle a blubbering me. I’m a true pragmatic. I felt that he didn’t really like me and he felt I was looking elsewhere. We were both so wrong! Despite how tough that weekend was it was so worth it. Believe it or not, we were camping with really good friends and I mean REALLY good friends. They didn’t ask questions they didn’t get involved or pick sides they simply took the kids off to swim so we could sort out our “stuff”. It’s so good to surround yourself with people you know you can be real around, and know they won’t judge you. That kind of love is not found just anywhere. Even that is a lesson, as Christians, to be REAL friends.

If we are honest about it, we ALL have our bumps, we all mess up and make mistakes. To pretend you’re better and somehow above all the “stuff” other’s go through, is just being a fake. Being truthful makes it easier for others to be genuine and can also be a source of encouragement. For those of you who need to know… my honest husband showed me how, burying my head in my business for the last four years had been the biggest factor. But knowing what the problem is doesn’t make me the bad guy, it empowered me to change my habits.

It’s important to guard your family time, it takes discipline and commitment and as we come to our 15^th Wedding anniversary this Month, we’re in a good place, even better than before. Sometimes it takes a good blubber to wash away the cobwebs… 

[To head to year 18 of Marriage and our friends Lara and Chris Lahr, click here]

Marriage Year 9: Meet Matt and Kathy Allison

I recently went back and looked over our photo books, images from our first date back in 1999 through marriage and the births of our two lovely children and couldn’t help but smile at all those memories.

Kathy and I met at a Scripture Union holiday club in 1997, we were both in Matric, there was an infatuation, but neither of us pursued it as Kathy went off on foreign exchange for a year and I went straight into my tertiary studies.

In 1999 we were both leaders on the same holiday club and I remember turning to a friend and shared that by the end of the week we’d be dating, and despite our first date being with a bunch of youth leaders at Spur, followed by a ‘romantic’ screening of the Matrix, she stuck it out.

Fast forward a few years as we were preparing for our marriage in 2004 our marriage counseling shared that by choosing to marry each other we were ‘compromising’.

Now as you might imagine it’s not how you imaging starting off your lives together, but the truth is that it IS a compromise. No two people want the same thing at the same time, marriage in itself is a beautifully testing and trying experience, think about it, you take two people from different families & backgrounds, coming together as one mind, body and soul. Exactly.

The compromise is that one of you WILL bow out to the other, but the secret? Wanting what is best for your spouse, not yourself. You see if you are both wanting what is the best for each other, finding that point of compromise is fairly easy, not always, but being self-seeking and wanting your own way leads to a break down in communication and resentment.

You quickly start to believe these ‘acceptances’, you know, “She/He will never change” or “She/He always does that!” and it creates a rift that can soon become chasm as you spiral out of your circle of intimacy.

The general world view is that you are in it for you, the media propagates this by sharing it’s “every man for himself” or “do what makes you happy”, but I’m calling it.

Marriage is a choice, one you make daily, to put your spouse and families needs above your own, it’s self sacrificing and at times plain old tough. It has little to do with feelings, and everything to do with choices.

On our wedding day instead of saying “I do” we said “we will”, we will choose daily to love each other, to work through our problems, to embrace the struggles of life that invariably that come along and work as a team though God’s grace.

Marriage is beautiful, it bends you, moulds and shapes you. Almost 10 years in I’m not the same man Kathy married, I’m a better version of him and I’d like to think she feels the same and I look forward to the years still ahead of us.

[For a post from Marriage year 10 with Lu-Shane and Marco Alexander, click here]

Marriage Year 14: Meet Tim and Laura Tucker

We got married on 9^th August 2000. A good date for two reasons… very easy to calculate how many years we’ve been married… and a South African public holiday so we always get a day off to celebrate!

From the off – marriage has been amazing. For us there was little adjustment… we kind of flowed into being married and we are ver y marriage-positive. One thing we hate is when people make negative comments to engaged couples. Marriage is amazing! Being able to have someone who is willing to stick by you in any and every situation brings the deepest sense of joy in life.

One thing we learned, and has stuck with us, from even before we were married – is the importance of how to make big decisions. Decision making can cripple people as individuals… and if you don’t get on the same page with your life-partner, then it can be a constant source of conflict. For us, we have sought to cultivate an approach of getting on the same page in terms of what God is saying to us… and then following that course of action even if it seems crazy or impossible. But knowing we’ve heard from God unites us in this and provides a solid foundation even if things get tough.

Usually to get to that point of decision means we take a long drive or a long walk… giving time to really connect with each other. On one of these long walks we decided it was time for Laura to resign from her job and join me in full-time ministry. A few years later, a long-walk led us to decide that it was right for us to home-school our kids. And, more recently, on a long drive we felt absolute confirmation about moving back to Cape Town after being in Pretoria for many years.

Making life-changing decisions in this way provides us with shared memories to which we can return when things get tough or when we have doubts. What we’ve also learned is the importance of being more vulnerable with other people and allowing them to speak into our lives. Early on in our married life we were quite independent… now we try to be more open and take the risk of sharing more freely with others.

[For a story from Marriage year 15, meet Natasha and Dave Henning]

Marriage Year 13: Meet Nate and Andrea Milheim

People like to say that my wife and I look young, but you should have seen us when we got married on April 20, 2001. There is a picture from our wedding day on our dining room wall, and it serves to bring joy and laughter to many visitors. We were young, fresh out of college and ready to begin our adult life together.

We have changed and evolved over the past twelve years. I’d like to think that we just keep broadening our horizons. We went from small town to suburban to urban. We started a non-profit organization. We simplified. We had three beautiful and strikingly unique children. I listen to more hip-hop, and Andrea finally stopped listening to country (praise God from whom all blessings flow). But the crazy thing is that I love my wife as much, actually more, than I ever have. I am quite simply crazy about her in every way. Sometimes when I tell people this they give me a funny look. They tell me about how many of our peers are going through a messy and painful process to just stay together, and I nod my head. I know.

A part of me wants to create some grand dramatic story of our fight and our tension and that time I almost left…but that just wouldn’t be the truth. Of course, there are difficult moments, selfish afternoons and stupid arguments, but I am truly so incredibly happy with my wife.

I find marriage, like life, to be a series of millions of small choices. What time will I wake up? Will I put my toothpaste away after I use it? Will I check my email on my phone while we struggle to get the kids to school on time? Will I appreciate that Andrea did the dishes before she went to bed last night? Will I let the pile of clothes in front of my dresser grow and grow? Will I take the kids to school when it’s not actually my turn? Will I notice when she is tired and needs a break? Will I ask for forgiveness when I’ve been rude and selfish?

It’s not glamorous, and sometimes it’s not sexy at all, but it’s real life.

As much as anything, I have learned to appreciate my wife. I see the compassion, the skills, the talents, the effort, the commitment and the beauty. I see how much she does for our family, and I simply choose to be grateful for her. I thank her. I value her. I respect her. I love her.

I have Andrea’s back, and she has my back. She tells me to go to the gym on the weekend, even when I feel guilty because she will be home with three kids. She knows it’s good for me and I’ll be happier the rest of the day. I encourage Andrea to chill out every now and then, to grab a cup of coffee and stare at the sky, because she is wired to accomplish and think about details all day. I watch romantic comedies, and Andrea watches painful documentaries about America’s prison system. We choose to compromise, and we choose to help each other through the day.

And the next day we do it again.

[For Year 14 of Marriage with Tim and Laura Tucker, click here]

Marriage Year 10 : Meet Megan and Brenton Furniss

On the 9^th of May Brenton and I will celebrate our 10^th wedding anniversary, although we mark being together for 11 years more strongly. Our relationship still continues to grow, evolve, settle, change, as we ourselves do.

Here is one thing I think we got right. Very soon in our relationship we had a big bump. Something came up that neither of us knew how to deal with and we had a silent, sleepless and terrible night. The next morning I went about trying to fix what had gone wrong, and I did it with patience, gentleness and clarity. It was the first time I had gone about this in this way. In the past and in other relationships I would have exploded, been overwhelmed with rage, and fought with every tooth and nail, but I wanted so badly for this to have a positive outcome. I wanted us to come to a deep understanding and a place where things could be properly fixed.

We agreed that instead of drawing battle lines in the sand, and facing each other through life, we would stand together, side by side, looking out in the same direction, taking things on together. And this has meant our fights are rare. We hate fighting. Of course we do, but because they are so rare we are lost ships at sea, and have to find stiller waters so we can go back to our default position of love, support and communication.

When we got married we performed a little ritual called the Mexican knot as part of the ceremony. It is a rope in a figure eight. Each partner gets one circle of the rope around them and the symbolism is clear; we are joined (for eternity) yet also absolutely separate individuals.

We also had friends sing our favourite Bruce Springsteen love song as we came down the forest path, and the lyrics are our mantra, “Darling I’ll wait for you, and should I fall behind, wait for me.” I love this. When I think about its importance in the long term it makes such sense. We cannot predict how we will respond to all things on our life’s journey, nor who will take the lead, nor who might fall behind, but we will wait for each other, face forward together and it is both comforting and an extraordinary privilege.

[For the next post on Year 13 of Marriage let’s hear from Nate and Andrea Milheim]

Marriage Year 10: Meet Richard and Wendy Sumner

Wendy and I have been married since December 2004 but in some ways it seems so much longer because we have done so much since then, including immigrating (twice) and starting a business. And let me tell you, those are both very stressful, and stress is not good for a marriage.

I think that what I have realised about marriage is that it is not always a feeling but a choice. You choose to be married and you choose to make a marriage work. My wife and I have had some very difficult times in our marriage, some in the past and some right now, but there is a difference between the two. We didn’t handle the stressful times in the past very well, and it could have ended the marriage. Being in a foreign country, money running out, the work permit you were told (by officials) that you could get, you now can’t and you have to make a decision. Go to another strange country or go back to where you came from and give up on your dreams. This is not easy.

I went on to the new country and Wendy went back to where we came from, to get a visa. This time apart was not easy as we had taken the stress out on each other, and neither of us were in the best emotional place. This was a time when marriage was a choice and not a feeling. Having said that we have some stressful issues at the moment too, even more stressful that what we went through before, but our marriage is stronger than ever!

So what is the difference? Summing it up in a sentence will sound a bit cheesy and like a cliché , but I’m going to say it anyway. When you have a problem, remove it from in between you, and face it together.. We have a relationship with God, through Jesus, so we bring Him into the discussion too! When it is two of us and God against a problem it doesn’t seem that big, yet when it gets in between you and your partner, it seems much bigger than it is!

It also appears that you are facing it on your own as it gets in between the two of you, so you focus on the problem and don’t see how it affects your spouse. Separate yourselves from the problem, join with God, and fight it together! Previous people posting have said that it is impossible to mention marriage without children. Well I think it is impossible to mention our marriage without God, as He plays a major part, and without Him I don’t think our marriage would be so strong.

I can honestly say, even though we are going through what is probably the most stressful time of our lives, it is also the most promising. That is down to two reasons. We follow God, and we put our future in His hands. He promises that even though things don’t always go our way, He will work it for our good. And secondly, Wendy and I are a team. We tackle issues together, and we have made a choice to stick together and support each other. This doesn’t mean that the ‘feeling’ and love is no longer there, quite the opposite, I love her more now than the day we got married!

[For the next post on Marriage year 10 by Megan and Brenton Furniss, click here]