“And then God opened a door for me.” Slap!

“And then God opened a door for me and I met “The One” and I was truly blessed and…

…everyone lives happily ever after? 

Do you ever get the urge to slap christians for speaking like this? i most definitely do!

Sometimes i just want to slap christians on the head. And sometimes i realise the well-meaning christian needing a slap might just be me.

Cos i might not use those particular words but i’m pretty sure there is other jargonese [like the word ‘christianese’ – urgh – SLAP!] that i slip into that makes other friends of mine want to slap me on the head.

And probably not just other christians either…

Hermann, who sometimes writes racist-sounding-comments on my blog, thinks i use the term ‘blown away’ too much:

You tend to use the phrase, “blown away” a lot. Every time I read it, I think of you being blown away like a feather – it implies that you are not very grounded. It sounds very cliched – used a lot by Christians. It may also have other meanings – lets not go there..

He wasn’t too fond of my use of the word ‘intentional’ either:

You use the word “intentional” a lot. Everything everyone does is intentional. By saying this, you imply that the rest of us act as zombies with no free will. If for example I spend R200 on a bottle of whiskey, it is my intention. If I give it to the poor, it is my intention. Everything we all do is always intentional so no need to mention it.

Hermann is quite direct when it comes to suggesting the way forward for me in this regard:

Please get those words out of your blog.

Well, at least he did say “please”. [Although do you think it was intentional?]

OPEN DOORS? OR CLOSED DOORS AND OPEN WINDOWS? 

i think this may be one of the ones that gets to me. listening christian types talking about God opening a door for them when it comes to being accepted into college or getting funds for a short-term missions trip or starting a relationship with someone.

i don’t think i’ve ever heard someone tell a story about going to the shops… “And then God opened a door for me as I saw a hungry person sitting outside of the store and knew that God was telling me to ask them what they wanted for lunch and I went in and bought them a meal with my own money.”

i HAVE heard quite a number of people tell me stories about buying people they meet in the street lunch, but i can’t recall any of those ever being a ‘God opened a door for me’ story.

Maybe that’s just cos all of those stories are simple obedience stories – doing what God already opened many doors for us to do when He shared His will with us [much of which i cover in this post on The Will of God]

SO WHAT DOES IT MEAN FOR GOD TO OPEN A DOOR FOR US THEN?

Well, i’m not sure that He does.

i tend to find more stories in the Bible of God closing doors.

i think of Balaam and the donkey [Numbers 22]

i am reminded of David wanting to build the temple for God [2 Samuel 7]

James and John’s mom trying to strike a deal with Jesus for them to be able to sit at His left and right hand side when He is king [Matthew 20]

and i’m sure there are more and i’m sure other people could name a bunch of stories that they think are clear illustrations that God DOES in fact open doors and how could i be so stupid as to think otherwise. But i am less concerned with that right now.

The story i really DO like on this topic though [yes, Hermann who scribes racist thoughts, it blows my mind!] is this one, which can be found intentionally in Acts 16:

⁶ Paul and his companions traveled throughout the region of Phrygia and Galatia, having been kept by the Holy Spirit from preaching the word in the province of Asia. ⁷ When they came to the border of Mysia, they tried to enter Bithynia, but the Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to. ⁸ So they passed by Mysia and went down to Troas. ⁹ During the night Paul had a vision of a man of Macedonia standing and begging him, “Come over to Macedonia and help us.” ¹⁰ After Paul had seen the vision, we got ready at once to leave for Macedonia, concluding that God had called us to preach the gospel to them. 

What is interesting is that there is no real commentary on the story and so we have to kinda fill in the blanks a little. But what it LOOKS like is that Paul and his companions tried to do a bunch of stuff.

They tried to preach the word in the province of Asia – but the Holy Spirit stopped them somehow [gut feel? word of prophecy? hint or a nudge?]

They tried to enter Bithynia, but the Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to.

What i absolutely LOVE about this story is that the whole Trinity seems to get involved to make sure it happens right.

We don’t know why God stopped them, but they try a bunch of stuff and He does.

And then maybe the most hysterical part of the whole story is the fact that the “Yes” comes while Paul is sleeping. [so i guess this whole story could be interpreted the complete opposite way as in Paul was doing a bunch of stuff and God needed to slow him down and then stop him completely before He was able to tell Paul what He wanted him to do].

But i like the idea of Paul trying something – door closes. Paul tries something else – another door closes. Paul keeps on trying stuff [and it’s important to note the “stuff” he is trying is “kingdom stuff” – he’s not just farting into a sock here] and the doors keep on closing. Finally God speaks to Paul clearly and Paul obeys.

Does God open doors? Kind of, i think, but not so much in the way we like to talk about it:

i want a child, but we can’t fall pregnant – could an open door be the thousands of parentless babies desperate for a family who will take them in and call them their own?

i want a girlfriend, but the girl i like doesn’t like me back – could an open door be finding contentment in singleness for the moment and taking advantage of everything that goes with that?

i want to know God’s will for my life – might an open door be the homeless shelter just three blocks away from your house that is looking for volunteers, the local prison ministry looking for people who will write letters to inmates and simply be their friends, the old peoples’ home that is desperate for young [and older] people who will come and have conversations or play games or read stories to their people?

So many open doors, so little time…

And surely, the God we serve is big enough to close a door if we are earnestly heading for a wrong one?[even if He has to pull in the other members of the Trinity to do so!]

Let’s stop waiting for open doors and start living obediently.

i remember a prayer Keith Green’s wife Melody challenged her audience to pray after one particular talk:

[1] God, i will go anywhere You want me to go

[2] God, i will do anything You want me to do

If you want to see doors open quickly, that is a dangerous and liberating prayer to pray as you start each new day. Especially if you mean it.

What are your thoughts on the whole ‘Open Door’ vibe? 

will the real slave owner please stand up

Yesterday was Heritage Day in South Africa.

a number of the museums were offering free entry and tbV [the beautiful Val] suggested that we go and visit ‘The Slave Lodge’ in town.

being the museum-loving guy that i am [not quite as much as the raiSIN-loving guy i am, but close] i built up some enthusiasm and Yes, Let’sed along with her, cos i knew it was something she wanted to do.

and, like with a long hike, or pretty much anything outdoorsy, by the time you actually get me there, i do tend to really enjoy it and so i am really glad that i went.

i think ‘fun’ and ‘enjoyable’ are not the right words to describe a visit to a place used as a symbol of incredible torture, racism and unjust incarceration, but i guess a sense of ‘i needed to see this and be reminded again’ if that could be encapsulated by a single adjective would be the word i would use.

HIGHLIGHT

the most powerful room for me was an exhibit focusing on women throughout the apartheid struggle, both black and white, who had played some key role in different ways. The exhibition is called ‘There’s something i must tell you’ and it is by Sue Williamson and if you are in Cape Town you should really try and make the time to see it.

From Albertina Sisulu to Helen Joseph to Mamphela Rampele and more there is a series of screen-printed protraits of women who were involved in different ways in the struggle against apartheid.  One that had a profound impact on me was a woman named Jeanette Curtis Schoon, who, with her six-year-old daughter Katryn, was killed by a letter bomb meant for her husband in June, 1984. Not because her story was any more profound than any of the others, but because there was a six year old caught up in it i guess. What an absolute mess our country has emerged from. No wonder there are still scars.

MOMENT OF TRUTH

We also watched a fifteen minute movie on the slave trade in the Western Cape and as we heard about the conditions on the ships used to bring slaves to South Africa [which i never knew – Dutch East India Company’s early missive to those in South Africa was don’t make slaves of the locals because you don’t want to cause trouble – we will ship you some of ours, which meant from India and China and other places] i found myself responding with a very strong, ‘HOW COULD THEY?’ which was followed up by quite an immediate, ‘HOW COULD WE NOT?’

Yes, what happened in this country was particularly horrific and unacceptable, but i’m not sure that we’re all that better. While ‘the people of the past’ propogated racism and slavery, we tend to sit back and allow [or maybe more purposefully ignore or pretend it’s not there] injustice and not even act as if it is a problem.

What sucks hugely for me in this matter is i don’t have the answers. i drive past ten thousand shacks every time i go to the airport and i don’t know how to ‘fix’ it or even ‘make it a little bit better’.

i drive past women in the street offering themselves for an evening, or is it an hour, of pleasure at their expense, and i know it is so completely wrong, as is the system of fear and power and ‘ownership’ that keeps them there, but am not sure of what to do in any way or form.

People at the traffic lights begging for money [how great i have gotten at looking busy or not making eye contact, or maybe just how easily i throw out a ‘No, sorry’ although i am trying to be better at making eye contact and smiling and initialising some kind of communication to at least be acknowledging their person’ness]

And on and on.

DAMNED IF YOU DO, DAMNED IF YOU DON’T

So we are in a place of wanting to make a difference. Somehow. To someone [or hopefully someones]. I feel like too many people around us are just happily and comfortably living their lives without even giving any of this stuff any thought. At the same time there are a whole lot of people giving this much more thought than i have and making much more of a difference.

But figuring it out can be difficult.

tbV and i are taking time to choose where we will live for the next part of our journey in South Africa and even taking time to be intentional in where we might live has been judged [in the commentary section].

Shenaz told us we were being too gangster:

It is getting boring hearing about you going to poor areas. Often these people are not as clever as you and out of a job. They are basically losers (don’t mean it in a bad way), who are hard to help. But always you are on a platform above them like a man feeding dogs at a kennel. It is the same, same, same – maybe you should consider going to a place where the people are more clever and successful, and try to change their minds instead? Preach outside Caprice on Camps Bay for example. These people are dropping R1000 an evening or more. I’ve heard of some at Shimmy Beach dropping R10K for a bill. This is SIN! Real SIN! Go there – go preach to these people. That my friend is a challenge for you and it could make a huge difference. Imagine convincing a queue of people to donate R100K to help the poor instead of using it for cocktails? Be a street preacher on Camps bay this summer and change things. Otherwise you’ll be on the streets of some area – helping another tik-kop or whoever and its circular – they go back to it usually. Go to Camps bay and get people of power and influence and money to help. I know you don’t want to hear it as you are in your comfort zone of helping the less clever, losers (as above) and you know how to handle that. TIME FOR A CHANGE.

While Sean didn’t think we were being gangster enough:

 Woodstock and Salt River is very trendy. Where do you guys get the cash to live there? If you really want to be “intentional” then why don’t you go live in Langa? The answer is because you don’t and that is understandable because of the crime. Kayamandi is like a walk in the park compared to places like Langa or even Lavendar Hill.

I suspect the answer might be, to some extent at least, found in making changes that are both huge and small.

Starting to recycle [we did this a lot in Americaland and it is something we would love to see happening on a more effective scale here] and encourage our friends to do the same. Buying fair trade and Free Range where possible and at least being intentional in terms of our consumption in a variety of ways. Figuring out how we do generosity and how we encourage those around us to do the same [Actually since coming home we are beyond well aware how incredible may of the people in our lives are at doing generosity – so making sure we follow suit i guess]. It might be paying attention to and sharing conversations on equal rights for women [like Emma Watson did so succinctly in her speech to the UN over here] or the environment [like Leonardo DiCaprio did in his ‘I pretend for a living, you don’t’ speech to the UN over here].  Starting to plant our own food and perhaps be part of a local space where others are encouraged to plant theirs.

It might be having conversations on race, particularly issues like racism and reconciliation [or following those already happening like over here] or human trafficking [like getting involved with Jamie the Very Worst Missionary and her team over here] and more.

It might be allowing bigger decisions be affected by the choices you make to make a difference. Like where and how you choose to work [Maybe there are some industries we should not be prepared to work for/with?]. Or where and how you choose to live. What you do with your resources – which includes time, money and skills or education.

Overall i guess it is summed up as living with purpose. Which is a message for everyone. But as a Christ follower, it feels like a particularly apt message for me. After all, close to 2000 verses in the bible call for me to get involved with the poor and needy and those who are considered by society as ‘the least of these’. How do i do this in the best of ways? I’m not sure yet, but help me to figure it out.

i read this quote online today and it feels true, at least in the collective sense. in the individual and family sense i still need to think about it some more.

‘When a poor person dies of hunger,it has not happened because GOD did not take care of him or her.It has happened because neither you nor I wanted to give that person what he or she needed.’ [Mother Teresa]

i dunno. this conversation has a ways to go. but we can’t do nothing. and throwing stones at me while i try do something doesn’t feel like it helps an awful lot, either. so meet me around the coffee table or have us over for dinner. or come to one of ours that we hope to throw soon. but let’s be working on this together, because i feel like together is where the solution to this lies.

 

livingwithintents

“Where are you going to be living?”

Having just returned from 3 years of living in Americaland, this is one of the more regular questions we have been faced with, after ‘So how long are you here for?’ and ‘What are you going to be doing?’ or ‘So what church are you going to?’ [as if you could ‘go to a church’, but that’s another series of blogs]

And the ‘Where are you going to be living?’ question is a big one for us.

KENSINGTON

When we moved to Americaland in 2011 to work with ‘The Simple Way,’ we moved into a neighborhood called Kensington [the irony, as i grew up in a place called Kensington in Johannesburg in South Africa so in one way it was like returning home] which was a lower economy area than we are used to, with rowhouses so people living right on top of each other with a lot of life [both positive and negative] happening on the street in each others spaces and a real sense of community in different ways.

Kensington was a more violent area than i had ever lived in, but at the same time i, for the most part, felt safer than i had felt sometimes in South Africa as the violence was always intentional [so you pissed off this drug dealer or your family was fighting this family] and so that was an interesting dynamic to have going around us.

On the other hand, it was so great walking into 15 years of intentional relationship as the people we were working with had been there for so long and so there was a definite sense of trust that had been built up with many of the local residents.

Val and i both loved Philly and we also both enjoyed our time in Kensington in many ways. Definitely lots of stares and question marks when we were in the city and people asked where we were living in the Why-Would-Anyone-Choose-To-Live-There frame of reference. But met a lot of lovely people and some amazing children and were glad to be a part of their lives for the time we had.

OAKLAND

When we moved to Oakland [San Francisco] to help oversee the transition of Relational Tithe into the non-profit that Val continues to work for known as Common Change, we also moved into a lower economy area, but one that was quite different to Kensington. We lived in 61st Avenue and i would say it was closer to 80th to 100th avenues where it got a lot more violent and crime ridden. Although we did have our almost nightly game of Identify-The-Loud-Bang with me tending towards “Firework” and Val usually going for “Gunshot” and i’m sure both of us being wrong on multiple occasions.

We lived in a four apartment complex surrounded mostly by houses [with gardens and fences] and one very charismatic pentecostal church service right next to us which served as Val’s alarm clock on a Sunday morning [and not in a good way!]. Most of the people living around us were Hispanic, so while we had friendly neighbourly greeting type relationship with some of them, it was a lot more difficult to have conversations and enter into more meaningful conversation. We knew and loved our neighbour Will from downstairs and his two adorable children, as well as the boyfriends of the other women who lived in our complex.  Had we lived there longer, we would have definitely made an effort to learn Spanish so that we could have better connection with the people living around us. And for 6 months we had a really great couple living with us, and shared community in that way.

One incredible way Val connected with our neighbours was through flowers. She transformed the dry dirt patch beneath our apartment into a flower bed and added some barrels and drawers and pots with various plants in them to add some much needed life and colour to the complex. Also she wrote letters to the owners of the five most well looked after gardens that we passed on our cycle to work to thank them for the beauty they had created.

SOUTH AFRICA, CAPE TOWN, ???

And now we’re back and ready for a new season and exciting journey. And we are looking to be intentional about where we land. We want the place we choose to stay in be a more conscious decision than simply one we can afford or one we like or even simply where a place was available.

We are thinking lower income and definitely with a strong sense of diversity. Hopefully a place where people we know are already doing something or involved in some kind of intentional living into the community. And when i put a call out on Facebook the other day, we were given a long list of options, some that we are strongly considering. Places like Obs and Lower Woodstock and Manenberg. Also Muizenberg and Salt River are on that list. Places like Constantia, Meadowridge and Tokai are not so much.

What about you?? Are you living in the place you are living for any specific intentional reason? Or was it just because a place opened up in that area in the time that you needed it.

i am NOT suggesting for a minute that we are better cos we are choosing intentionally and you aren’t because you didn’t. What i am hoping to get some more people thinking about is the idea of choosing to move into an area for a specific reason [and many people do for a variety of different reasons] as opposed to simply moving somewhere because there is an opening. So the next time you move house/apartment what questions might you be asking?

i was probably 33 before i made my first location move for intentional reasons, when i moved into Kayamandi [aka ‘The K’] just outside Stellenbosch, eighteen months before tbV and i got married. Just because i had never even thought of doing that before. Up til then it was let me find a place that works for me and go there.

Now that i have met some other people who have made intentional decisions like this – the Viviers who i stayed with at first when i moved into the K, Nigel Branken and his family who moved into Hillbrow [who you can read some more about here] and Pete and Sarah Portal [whose story is going to be shared tomorrow] – i can see just how powerful the decision can be.

i believe that as a Christ follower, my decisions in life need to be more intentional. Not that God will necessary lead me into every decision i make [sometimes there are five good areas i could be living in and He just wants me to pick one and live well there] but i believe it is important to include Him in the decision making and say the prayer, ‘God if there is a specific place you want me to live, please let me know.’

 WHAT ABOUT ME?

What DOES this mean for you?

Really about Living With Intents [or for some of you i guess it could literally end up as Living Within Tents?]

For some of you who might be about to move to a different place, hopefully this will cause you to think a little more intentionally. Choose to live in an area for some reason and not simply because it was the one available to you or more cheap or less dangerous. Ask the question and see if God might want to lead you to a specific area, because He has a plan for you in that place.

For some of you it may even mean right now deciding that you need to make a move in the next three months or something like that.

For others it could mean simply looking around where you already live and seeing if there is some aspect of your community God wants you to be more intentional about. Have you met your neighbours? Have you had them around for a meal? What about that old lady that stays by herself – is it possible she has a room that needs painting or a lawn that could use a mow. Is there a family who could seriously use an anonymous envelope with some cash in it inviting them to go on a date night? Could it be getting involved in the local neighbourhood watch? Or writing a letter to the owners of the fife best gardens that make you happy and thanking them for the work and effort they put into them?

And a hundred other possibilities.

This is not something that is only for Christ followers so if you don’t believe in God i think it is still helpful and great if you are intentional in where you live, but for those who are it should really be a part of our DNA – living intentionally. Inviting God to direct and lead. Asking Him for inspiration. Loving our neighbours as we love ourselves.

I would love to hear from you in the comments section. Why do you live where you live? 

as a p.s. i guess the decision is made somewhat easier as wherever we live in Cape Town, we are likely to have some kind of a view of this beauty:

[To read the story of Pete and Sarah Portal and some of why they chose to move into Manenberg, click here]

7 ways to a successful life

I imagine there are more than seven ways to live a successful life. But I also think it is of extreme importance to push the pause button every so often and take a look in the metaphorical mirror [or the actual one] and see how the life you are presently living measures up to the one you could be. So grab a cup of coffee [or some freshly squeezed organic kiwi and butternut juice, with cumin] and take a minute on each of these… and consider for a moment if your life could use some change…

I don’t know who Andy Singer is, but this cartoon shows that he gets it. The ‘Successful’ person is often viewed as the one who is working so hard and so cut off from family and friends and personal life passion [often in the interests of providing well for family and friends] that they have actually had the life sucked out of them. If what you are doing to make money is robbing you of all the things it was meant to provide, there might be some tough but necessary decisions ahead. It’s not too late to do something else.

Imagine how different your life will look at the end with a scorecard that reads, “Clocked 24000 hours on World of Warcraft” as opposed to, “Discovered cure for Ebola virus” – now for most of us, what we actually end up achieving or being part of will be significantly somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. I am personally hoping for a life that ends up closer to the Ebola virus side than the ‘became really good at useless skill’ side of things.

I hate that somewhere along the path of life, disillusioned adults seem to feel the need to tell young people to stop dreaming and believing that change is possible. Perhaps it is whatever convinced you of that, that is actually the real reason your dream wasn’t realised. Aids and the conflict in Gaza and extreme racism and human trafficking do seem like such huge impossible mountains to climb but if you were able to sit with someone from the 1800s for sixty minutes and just see their reaction when you try to explain to them things like airplanes and mobile phones, google glass and microwave ovens, I imagine you might start to consider what other impossible things are waiting to be achieved by those who refuse to believe they can’t be done.

Very simple but very profound.

Is there something you have always wanted to do but never [yet] got round to starting? It is probably not too late.

Is there something you started and then life got in the way and so it was pushed into a folder, or to the back of a drawer and you simply need to carve some time and get it out and really push through and finish it?

I really love this one. It is true. Time makes no apologies. Sentences that begin with “I’ll do that when…” are so fraught with danger, because they anticipate or hold out hope that life will somehow slow down or become easier or less cluttered. It begins with leaving school, then finishing university, then getting married, then having our first child, then when my child starts school and and and… Don’t wait until. Start now. If you are feeling changes need to be made, get going with them. Seize this particular day. Seize it now.

What a stupid saying. And what an incredible way of summing up the point of what it should be. Are you doing something with your life now that matters? Because you don’t get a do over!

Above all, this is what life is meant to be about. Loving God and Loving people is all good and well. But there needs to be some action involved as well otherwise it is all just a pretty [and useless] Hallmark Cardin your brain. And when I talk about being significant and doing significant things, that doesn’t mean all of us will be curing Aids or reaching lost people groups or affecting the whole world. For some of us being a parent well is a significant thing. For others of us it might be affecting a local school or community. Maybe even just the people on your street or in your apartment block.

I hope you found something in here useful. I hope this will encourage you to greater success. Now go.

Pearls before Unicorns

Stephan Pastis is back and this time he is skewering the U.S. Supreme Court, or maybe just politics or big business in general:

[For a Pearls before Swine cartoon that takes on the ridiculousness of Spinning classes at the Gym, click here]

[For a Pearls before Swine strip with an unfortunately timed innuendo pun, click here]

If your geography is changing, you might want to work on the map.

I have been reading ‘The Road Less Traveled’ by M. Scott Peck which is subtitled, ‘A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth’ and it is a bit of a wade, but one that i am really enjoying and learning much from.

This section in particular relates to all of us in different aspects of life – one huge one is for those who identify themselves as Christians in whatever shape or form and when i speak on youth camps or preach in church services i often get them to chant or say this little verse:

 

“God, you’re bigger than my box

You’re bigger than my theology

You’re bigger than my understanding

You’re bigger than me.”

Which i think somewhat relates to this extract i want to share with you from the chapter titled, ‘Dedication to Reality’ although i think there is a deeper level of truth in how Scott puts it:

The third tool of discipline or technique of dealing with the pain of problem-solving, which must continually be employed if our lives are to be healthy and our spirits are to grow, is dedication to the truth. Superficially, this should be obvious. For truth is reality. That which is false is unreal.

The more clearly we see the reality of the world, the better equipped we are to deal with the world. The less clearly we see the reality of the world – the more our minds are befuddled by falsehood, misperceptions and illusions – the less able we will be to determine correct courses of action and make wise decisions. Our view of reality is like a map with which to negotiate the terrain of life. If the map is true and accurate, we will generally know where we are, and if we have decided where we want to go, we will generally know how to get there. If the map is false ad inaccurate, we generally will be lost.

While this is obvious, it is something that most people to a greater or lesser degree choose to ignore. They ignore it because our route to reality is not easy. First of all, we are not born with maps; we have to make them, and the making requires effort. The more effort we make to appreciate and perceive reality, the larger and more accurate our maps will be. But many do not want to make this effort. Some stop making it by the end of adolescence. Their maps are small and sketchy, their views of the world narrow and misleading. 

By the end of middle age most people have given up the effort. They feel certain that their maps are complete and their Weltanschaung is correct (indeed, even sacrosanct), and they are no longer interested in new information. It is as if they are tired. Only a relative and fortunate few continue until the moment of death exploring the mystery of reality, ever enlarging and refining and redefining their understanding of the world and what is true. 

But the biggest problem of map-making is not that we have to start from scratch, but that if our maps are to be accurate, we have to continually revise them. The world itself is constantly changing. Glaciers come, glaciers go. Cultures come, cultures go. There is too little technology, there is too much technology. Even more dramatically, the vantage point from which we view the world is constantly and quite rapidly changing. When we are children we are dependent, powerless. As adults we may be powerful. Yet in illness or an infirm old age we may become powerless and dependent again. When we have children to care for, the world looks different from when we are raising adolescents. When we are poor, the world looks different from when we are rich. We are daily bombarded with new information as to the nature of reality. If we are to incorporate this information, we must continually revise our maps, and sometimes when enough new information has accumulated, we must make very major revisions. The process of making revisions, particularly major revisions, is painful, sometimes excruciatingly painful. And herein lies the major source of many of the ills of mankind.

What happens when one has striven long and hard to develop a working view of the world, a seemingly useful, workable map, and then is confronted with new information suggesting that this view is wrong and the map needs to be largely redrawn? The painful effort required seems frightening, almost overwhelming. what we do more often than not, and usually subconsciously, is to ignore the new information. Often this act of ignoring is much more than passive. 

We may denounce the new information as false, dangerous, heretical, the work of the devil. We may actually crusade against it, and even attempt to manipulate the world so as to make it conform to our view of reality. Rather than try to change the map, an individual may try to destroy the new reality. Sadly, such a person may expend much more energy ultimately in defending an outmoded view of the world than would have been required to revise and correct it in the first place.

[For the follow-up post specifically aimed at the Church in terms of why changing our Following Jesus maps might be critical, click here]

i’m not sure you’re against that thing you think you’re against: part rape culture

The phrase is off-putting and in some ways misleading [to someone who doesn’t understand what it means at any rate].

Tell a guy he is a part of the existing rape culture and he is most likely to react strongly against that:

“How dare you suggest I’m a rapist? Or put me in the same grouping as rapists as if I could be one of them.”

Well, sometimes that thing you think you’re against is not really the thing you’re against.

 

WELL, WHAT DOES IT MEAN THEN?

Let me be really clear here – I am not an expert on this and so I am sharing what I [and others I am reading] understand the term to mean. I believe that being able to wrap our minds [yes guys, this is especially important to us, and if we can turn off our reaction responses for a few minutes and simply try read to understand, that will really be helpful] around this is so  very important if we are going to ever have any chance of seeing any kind of change take place. And we REALLY need to see a whole lot of change taking place.

So let’s see what some others have to say:

Rape culture is a concept which links rape and sexual violence to the culture of a society, and in which prevalent attitudes and practices normalize, excuse, tolerate, and even condone rape. [wikipedia]

Rape Culture is an environment in which rape is prevalent and in which sexual violence against women is normalized and excused in the media and popular culture.  Rape culture is perpetuated through the use of misogynistic language, the objectification of women’s bodies, and the glamorization of sexual violence, thereby creating a society that disregards women’s rights and safety. [Women’s Center, Marshall University]

In a rape culture, people are surrounded with images, language, laws, and other everyday phenomena that validate and perpetuate, rape. Rape culture includes jokes, TV, music, advertising, legal jargon, laws, words and imagery, that make violence against women and sexual coercion seem so normal that people believe that rape is inevitable. Rather than viewing the culture of rape as a problem to change, people in a rape culture think about the persistence of rape as “just the way things are.” [from the article ‘Upsetting Rape Culture’ on Force]

Rape culture: a society where men take and women surrender and that’s the relatively unchallenged status quo [Leanne Meihuizen]

Rape Culture is about desensitization, says Lee Lakeman, spokesperson for the Canadian Association of Sexual Assault Centres.

MY THOUGHTS ON WHY THIS IS SUCH A BIG DEAL

A lot of people have dismissed this as “a feminist thing” which is dismissed based largely on the loaded perception many people have with regards to the term ‘feminist’.

A lot of men have dismissed this conversation saying that “it is out to paint all men as rapists” or that “it is an unfair generalisation that is aimed at making all men look bad”.

I really think both of those views and others which simply dismiss without really taking time to simply listen and learn are unfair and detrimental. The message of ‘I am discounting what you are saying’ and ‘Your experiences and feelings in this regard are not valid or worth paying serious attention to’ actually end up adding proof or backing to what an increasing number of women across the world are trying to say.

My own personal journey into understanding the concept of ‘rape culture’ or at least that it even was a concept, began a few years ago when i read a number of articles and heard some different opinions being expressed about it. But recently when first the #YesAllWomen and later #EachEveryWoman tags became a growing phenomenon on Twitter i took some time reading a lot of the messages that were being shared and my heart broke again and again reading about some of the experiences and stories that were being shared.

My first response was to write this piece which is not definitive by any means, but was me, as a man, feeling that i needed to say something and add another male voice to the conversation:

https://brettfish.wordpress.com/2014/05/25/yesallmen-should-really-pay-attention-to-yesallwomen/

About a week later, while sitting outside our apartment, just letting my thoughts roam, i put this more poetic piece together which was also a response to #YesAllWomen, or more accurately, a lament:

https://brettfish.wordpress.com/2014/06/03/yesallwomen-a-lament/

I’m not exactly sure of the specifics of this story but i later heard [many times] that they had to change #YesAllWomen to #EachEveryWomen because the two women who started the original tag were being harrassed and threatened [as in receiving death threats].

HELP ME UNDERSTAND

I imagine that if you’re a woman, you already get this and so this whole piece is simply a lot of head nodding and ‘I wish [fill in name] would get this’. What you can do is be encouraged to keep sharing about this with your male friends. Help them to really see that you are not trying to paint them all as rapists and that this is not some ‘those people’ thing on the internet, but that this affects most if not all women across the planet each and every day. What you can do is normalise it in terms of the language you use, the stories you share, help avoid any kind of emotive shut-down response a guy might have when he comes across an article and just walk him through it.

If you’re a guy, the biggest help for me in this [and it was NOT fun!] was to read through the #YesAllWomen tags on Twitter. If you don’t have an account, you know someone who does. Spend ten minutes and read through them – there are some troll comments of course – but if you spend any amount of time there, not judging or trying to excuse or figure out – just listening – just reading – then you will start to understand what is really going on out there. Then take a minute [I would not recommend longer] and read through some comments on the #YesAllMen tag and find out just how messed up some men [and some women] can be – part parody, part aggressive, part complete hate speech – this tag that was set up as a response to the #YesAllWomen tag really made me angry, sad and disgusted. Then there is also #YesAllPeople which was very likely a well-intentioned middle-ground type piece, suggesting that this is something that affects everyone and because guys can be on the receiving end of sexual abuse and rape that we should rather look at it more holistically. Which does have some merit, but also, when the difference is between ‘some men’ and ‘almost all women’ it actually removes focus from where the focus needs to be. So while a man may be a victim of similiar experiences, a guy generally doesn’t have the same kind of fear walking down a street when a woman he doesn’t know is walking closely behind him, or when he steps into an elevator with only one other person in it and it’s a woman. Much of the idea of ‘rape culture’ is the fear many women have of men because of their experience of life so far.

Another thing you can do as a guy, especially if you are somehow still finding this hard to believe, is talk to ten of your female friends and ask them if they have any fear towards men [for example if they are walking down the street and a man is behind them] and listen to their stories.

Or read this article – Are Mass Media creating a culture of rape? – [which contains some disturbing content, but sometimes we need to be disturbed when the culture we are part of starts to look like this.] When people make jokes about rape, when rape has become a term we use to speak of sports matches or exams that went badly,  or facebook statuses that were hijacked, when advertisers use imagery suggesting rape to sell their products then Edmund Burke’s well-known quote starts to become chillingly true:

Here are some more Examples of Rape Culture:

• Blaming the victim (“She asked for it!”)
• Trivializing sexual assault (“Boys will be boys!”)
• Sexually explicit jokes
• Tolerance of sexual harassment
• Inflating false rape report statistics
• Publicly scrutinizing a victim’s dress, mental state, motives, and history
• Gratuitous gendered violence in movies and television
• Defining “manhood” as dominant and sexually aggressive
• Defining “womanhood” as submissive and sexually passive
• Pressure on men to “score”
• Pressure on women to not appear “cold”
• Assuming only promiscuous women get raped
• Assuming that men don’t get raped or that only “weak” men get raped
• Refusing to take rape accusations seriously
• Teaching women to avoid getting raped instead of teaching men not to rape

And from the same source:

How can men and women combat Rape Culture?

• Avoid using language that objectifies or degrades women
• Speak out if you hear someone else making an offensive joke or trivializing rape
• If a friend says she has been raped, take her seriously and be supportive
• Think critically about the media’s messages about women, men, relationships, and violence
• Be respectful of others’ physical space even in casual situations
• Always communicate with sexual partners and do not assume consent
• Define your own manhood or womanhood.  Do not let stereotypes shape your actions.
• Get involved! Join a student or community group working to end violence against women.

[http://www.marshall.edu/wcenter/sexual-assault/rape-culture]

I also found this list of 25 every day examples of rape culture of which here are just four examples:

3. A judge who sentenced only 30 days in jail to a 50-year-old man who raped a 14-year-old girl (who later committed suicide), and defended that the girl was “older than her chronological age.”

9. Journalists who substitute the word “sex” for “rape” – as if they’re the same thing.

14. Rape jokes – and people who defend them.

22. Only 3% of rapists ever serving a day in jail.

 

References

1. Justice Department, National Crime Victimization Survey: 2008-2012
2. FBI, Uniform Crime Reports: 2006-2010
3. National Center for Policy Analysis, Crime and Punishment in America, 1999
4. Department of Justice, Felony Defendents in Large Urban Counties: average of 2002-2006
5. Department of Justice, Felony Defendents in Large Urban Counties: average of 2002-2006

[https://rainn.org/get-information/statistics/reporting-rates]

SO OVERWHELMING

And so what can we do to make any difference to something that is so deeply embedded in our global culture?

• Start by being educated – realise this thing is a thing – stop being defensive about it and missing it altogether – take time and be uncomfortable while doing so but push through

 

• Listen – if you’re a guy, then give some space for your female friends to share their thoughts and experiences on this and really just listen without defending/reacting/explaining away/saying things like “yes but not every man is like that” which is true but doesn’t validate their experience and story – just listen and try and really hear

 

• Make a stand – every time someone uses the word ‘rape’ to mean something that is not rape, i challenge them on it. Usually quietly in their inbox or in a conversation, but it is not cool when people do that. Ever. When someone tells a rape joke in front of you, you don’t have to make a big scene but just tell them strongly that that is not okay. When someone is wearing clothing that promotes rape culture, speak up;  when you see an advertisement using aggressively sexualised imagery, boycott the product, write to the company and let them know it’s not okay.

What else? I firmly believe that this is a conversation and movement that women need to be leading and being the chief voices of… but in what is still largely a male-dominated society, that might not always be the thing that happens naturally and so as a man I can create space for them to speak [as @micahmurray did on his blog where he invited a number of women to share their stories] or at least shush the man crowd a little, so that their voices can be heard.

This also needs to be more than a one week Kony2010 video that we share and get excited about and deeply passionate towards and a week later we have completely forgotten and moved on to the next thing. This needs to be a lifestyle change and an ongoing conversation and battle. We need to be a louder, stronger and more hands-on involved part of the culture that we have chosen to live in.

 

 [I also really found this article titled ‘A Gentleman’s Guide to Rape Culture’ really helpful in terms of understanding and action]

[An Article by Pamela Clark with 35 helpful tips – don’t agree with all of them but most are great – to help men improve in this area]