Locked in a Cave – part i

i flew to durban with four main purposes in mind:

The first was to visit and surprise my younger sister Dawn and spend some time with her Glen and my nephew Josh [i am Uncle Fish and i am cool] and some of my really great friends from years and years.

The second was to do some networking for The Youth Hub which is my two-day-per-week job, writing 100 words or less youth resources and sending them to the phones of young people via Whatsapp, BBM, Facebook, Twitter, Mxit and our new phone app that has just launched. So meeting up with youth leaders and sharing what we’re about and giving them ways of getting connected well.

To connect with my friends at Westville Basptist Church and preach a preach on ‘How Friends can Wreck us’ and also meet up with their leadership, many of whom are good friends of mine as well.

Then to hide in a cave and spend four days finishing the book i started way too many years ago and revised and renamed a total of four times, which i am hoping to get ready for self-publication by the end of the year. Too many people who i told that to, thought i was talking about an actual cave [like where am i going to plug my laptop into?] whereas it is clearly a metephorical one in the form of a Bed and Breakfast [well two bed and breakfasts to be precise – staying here in exchange for scribing some reviews]. But to be cut off and disconnect and unplugged for the most part and have focused distraction-free time to work through the book as a whole and tweak and finalise and hopefully finally bring this thing to readiness.

GETTING BOOKY WITH IT

i am staying at quite a stunning place with a great work desk station and a lovely little balcony vibe with a table and chairs and i spent a few minutes outside, taking in nature and praying about the task that follows. The hope and the ask is that God will take this book which i have, which i think is pretty good, and help me in four days to get it to a place of being pretty great. i am not wanting to produce just another book that people will read and nod their head at and then leave on their shelf. And forget. i am hoping that God will use this book to get people to wrestle and be challenged and inspired and bring out their creativity and to risk and dream and live more fully when it comes to this thing called church. The book is titled, ‘i, church’ and will hopefully be available before too long.

as i sat outside i asked God for a passage to encourage me or give me some direction as i committed these next few days to Him – my mind went to Isaiah 46 and so i turned there…

to be honest when i flipped it open and the title read, ‘Gods of Babylon’ i was not feeling too anticipationary…  but i read it and was greatly encouraged and thought i would share it with all of you, before i got going…

Gods of Babylon

46 Bel bows down, Nebo stoops low;
    their idols are borne by beasts of burden.
The images that are carried about are burdensome,
    a burden for the weary.
² They stoop and bow down together;
    unable to rescue the burden,
    they themselves go off into captivity.

³ “Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob,
    all the remnant of the people of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since your birth,
    and have carried since you were born.
⁴ Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

⁵ “With whom will you compare me or count me equal?
    To whom will you liken me that we may be compared?
⁶ Some pour out gold from their bags
    and weigh out silver on the scales;
they hire a goldsmith to make it into a god,
    and they bow down and worship it.
⁷ They lift it to their shoulders and carry it;
    they set it up in its place, and there it stands.
    From that spot it cannot move.
Even though someone cries out to it, it cannot answer;
    it cannot save them from their troubles.

⁸ “Remember this, keep it in mind,
    take it to heart, you rebels.
⁹ Remember the former things, those of long ago;
    I am God, and there is no other;
    I am God, and there is none like me.
¹⁰ I make known the end from the beginning,
    from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say, ‘My purpose will stand,
    and I will do all that I please.’
¹¹ From the east I summon a bird of prey;
    from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose.
What I have said, that I will bring about;
    what I have planned, that I will do.
¹² Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted,
    you who are now far from my righteousness.
¹³ I am bringing my righteousness near,
    it is not far away;
    and my salvation will not be delayed.
I will grant salvation to Zion,
    my splendor to Israel.

Powerful piece of writing and the part my eyes were drawn to was verse 5 and 6:

⁴ Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

⁵ “With whom will you compare me or count me equal?
    To whom will you liken me that we may be compared?

and then also verse 9 and 10:

⁹ Remember the former things, those of long ago;
    I am God, and there is no other;
    I am God, and there is none like me.
¹⁰ I make known the end from the beginning,
    from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say, ‘My purpose will stand,
    and I will do all that I please.’

We serve a big God. He is able to make His will come to pass.

My prayer is that He will do so with this book. That this was something He gave me to do.

And that together we will bring it to the place of readiness and completion.

This is my prayer…

To the Brett Cave…

Two True Meanings of Christmas [some guested thoughts by Graham Heslop]

In response to a piece i shared on Christmas, which among other things, invited readers to share some of their creative/revolutionary/others-focused ideas they had for celebrating Christmas, i was tweeted by Graham Heslop links to two articles, asking me to check them out.

i’m not going to lie, i wasn’t super enthusiastic, mostly because the idea of reading more articles feels a little bit like work. But Graham is someone i follow on the Twitterer [@avosquirrel] and generally like or agree with a bunch of stuff he has posted and so i went to take a look. And was pretty much blown away.  Thank you, Graham!

Short, simple and to the point and both well worth reading, especially the first one focusing on Incarnation which is a concept i completely love and a drawn towards.

The Christ Event and the True Christmas Spirit –  Graham Heslop

He quotes J.I. Packer as referring to the idea of Incarnation as  ‘the most profound and unfathomable depths of Christian revelation’: God took on human flesh and was born. The eternal Son, who was with the Father, through whom the world was created and by whom all life is sustained, became a man (John 1:1-4, 14).

One thing i really love about the idea of the Incarnation is the picture that it presents of this message of ours which is meant to be ‘Good News’ and yet which too often [thanks to our messiness] is not presented that way. But taking us back in reminding us that the Christmas message is that of God leaving the luxuries of heaven behind and revealing Himself to us, face to face.

He ends it by pointing us towards a ‘true meaning of Christmas type message’ where he highlights, ‘the model of Christ we are called to imitate: continual and selfless pursuit of others’ interests.’

Christmas and Incarnation should be held hand in hand and this post by Graham really helped achieve that in simple yet dramatic form.

The Traditions of Men and our Forgotten King – Graham Heslop

This piece focuses on the tension that exists between human traditions and the Kingship of Jesus. I love how he sums it up:

When it came to the traditions of men Jesus was incensed by their obscuring effect; his fight was not against the Jews’ practices and cultural artifacts, but how those drew the Jewish people away from God. 

He reminds us that Jesus was pretty harsh with the religious leaders of the day and this quote from Mark 7 backs that up:

“You have a fine way of rejecting the commandment of God in order to establish your tradition, making void the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down” (Mark 7:9, 13).

As we head into the Christmas season and a huge spotlight falls on our plans, our parties, our food, our presents, there is an ongoing refrain of ‘Me, me, me, me, me, me’ that can be heard and observed if you listen closely enough. Christmas gives us the ‘Get out of Jail Free’ card to justify any crazy, out of control spending we would not be happy with at any other time of the year.

Graham sums up this wrestling so clearly:

Tomorrow is the day in the Christian calendar when we remember the Son’s self-giving work, which began with the incarnation. Yet tomorrow is most likely already consumed by brightly adorned trees sheltering piles of presents, large family gatherings, and gluttonously sized meals – the traditions of men.

And draws mention to Jesus as ‘The Forgotten King’ and the desperate call that in the midst of all of the building up of momentum as we head towards Christmastime, we don’t lose sight of the One who all this is meant to be about… and the life and world transforming lifestyle He calls us to be living out.

Let’s not miss Christ this Christmas.

[For the piece i wrote inviting you to share your creative Christmas ideas with us all, click here]

[For an older piece i wrote on Keeping the Cross in Cross-mas, click here]

 

The Importance Of Being Earnest (Sex, Religion and the New South Africa)

[a guest post by Sindile Mlingo Vabaza]

I will not pretend to have grasped the inherent difficulties in running a country but I think I can confidently assert that if we want not only a free and fair and just South Africa, but one that has clearly engaged it’s past and moved into a post-colonial and post apartheid state, we are going to have to be both honest and have intellectual integrity no matter what viewpoint we espouse.

This is important for a number of reasons.

1. South Africa is a secular and constitutional democracy and implied in that is the freedom for people to bring multiple perspectives to the table as to what will constitute a ‘thriving, just, economically sound, racially and socially cohesive country that is built on being non-racial and non-sexist’.

That is the baseline agreement.

How we get there is up for debate. Vigorous debate.

In entering these debates there must be some sort of binding social agreement which holds us to intellectual integrity(meaning we do our homework and we are able to properly convey our ideas in the marketplace of ideas) and also that we rightly justify the opinions we hold.

Although, a difficult balance we also need to be open to changing our ideas while remaining in a position of conviction of the ideas we already hold.

2. The powerful social influences of religion and culture/tradition can easily overpower reason and due diligence.

Religious people need to be careful when quoting verses from their holy books to justify their opinions. Firstly holy books were written within vastly different contexts to our own and at a time when scientific knowledge was quite non-existent and to apply glibly these verses is to do both religious and non-religious communities a massive disservice.

For example, the difference between the secular and religious view of sexuality can be summed up in that sexuality for secularists is a health issue(physical, psychological, emotional etc), whereas it is a fundamentally moral one for religious people.

The problem with making ‘societal’ sexuality a fundamentally moral one(as religious people are given to doing) is that people and indeed cultures and worldviews can differ vastly but people with those differences can be equally sexually healthy or unhealthy.

This is borne out by many studies including those done by the Barna research Group(a Christian one) which seems to show that young Christians in America are just as sexually active as their non-Christian counterparts, but less likely to use contraceptives(they don’t want to make it seem like they planned it) and more likely to engage in oral and anal sex(often without the requisite knowledge to do it safetly). Other studies seem to bear this out as well and in fact have discredited the whole ‘Abstinence only’ movement.

Now my point is this; I understand for example that waiting until marriage is important for a lot of religious people and an important tenet of faith(the mystery of marriage is that of Christ and his church in the case of Christianity), but a call for real honesty needs to be made to religious leaders and communities when addressing this issue (and many others of course).

The often not-always-well-thought ideas on which teaching in religious communities rests on, particularly pertaining to general sexual behaviour is at times troubling.

The idea that people who have sex before marriage are ‘damaged goods’ is a pervasive and in my view a nefarious one. While holding abstinence from sex until marriage as a key value to strive for, issuing judgement and condemnation when it is not maintained seems to strongly contradict the concepts of love and grace that are at the heart of Christianity.

This does not call into question the wisdom of Christian teaching but it does call into question how it is TAUGHT and APPLIED and in WHAT CONTEXT.

In South Africa in particular, this lack of real thought by religious people combined with cultural/traditional mores and a fundamentally more conservative outlook mean that when young women who are sexually active want to seek contraceptives(especially in rural and poor township areas) they are often shamed(from a moral point of view) and because of that many do not always seek preventative health measures which further compounds our HIV and STI woes and also in a lot of cases simply helps the CONFIRMATION BIAS of religious leaders and communities.

Also because we live in a deeply patriarchal and misogynistic society the shame and guilt(again very moral terms) is shifted to women mostly and having personally noted this, I as a man, am shocked at how deeply the lived experience of women, especially young women in this country is marked by pervasive feelings of guilt and shame and how popular ‘slut shaming’ is amongst both men and women.

Is it any wonder women are so reluctant to report incidences of sexual violence and what about all the young women in universities and colleges around the country, women who are this nation’s next leaders, who have to live in shame and pain because they are afraid their sexual histories and habits will be open to public scrutiny if they come forward about being coerced or drugged(then raped).

There is a price to pay for a lack of intellectual integrity and due diligence in everything but more insidiously the price is higher in this regard.

The dream that undergirds the New South Africa is one of both Non-racialism and Non-sexism. We absolutely hammer non-racialism home but hardly seem to be concerned about the non-sexism part.

We need to be.

In my own honest opinion I don’t think there is anything fundamentally wrong with religious teaching on sexuality because there are young people who want to remain virgins(and not all of them are religious) and faith can often give them the tools to navigate the world and preserve their convictions.

The sexual health of young people especially young women cannot become an ideological war between those who are conservatively minded and those who are liberally minded.

Young people deserve better than that and quite frankly they need mature, live and healthy examples of the Christian sexual ethic(that to me seems to be the best tool to persuade others of the religious sexual ethic).

[For some thoughts Sindile has on First Steps towards a genuine New South Africa, click here]

[For some challenging thoughts by Sindile on Employment Equity, click here] 

Giving that costs

When it comes to money and using it well, i believe this is something that relates to everyone, not exclusively Christ followers. But, writing as a Christ follower, i will give Biblical backing for the things i am wanting to share here, as i believe they are rooted in God’s heart for humanity which looks very different to when we just let mankind get on with it by themselves.

Two powerful stories comes to mind when i wrestle with the question of ‘How to follow God well in a way that involves my money.’

And interestingly enough they both come from chapters 21 of their respective books:

First up is a story in Chronicles where King David has given in to the temptation of the devil and disobeyed God and the nation of Israel is being punished severely as a result. The story ends with David making an offering to God and the plague is halted. You can find the whole story in 1 Chronicles 21, but look at these three verses near the end:

²² David said to him, “Let me have the site of your threshing floor so I can build an altar to theLord, that the plague on the people may be stopped. Sell it to me at the full price.”

²³ Araunah said to David, “Take it! Let my lord the king do whatever pleases him. Look, I will give the oxen for the burnt offerings, the threshing sledges for the wood, and the wheat for the grain offering. I will give all this.”

²⁴ But King David replied to Araunah, “No, I insist on paying the full price. I will not take for the Lord what is yours, or sacrifice a burnt offering that costs me nothing.”

Then in Luke 21, Jesus is hanging in the temple with His followers and this little interaction occurs:

1 As Jesus looked up, he saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. ² He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. ³ “Truly I tell you,” he said, “this poor widow has put in more than all the others. ⁴ All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”

i like how Jesus sums up the attitude of the rich, when He says, ‘All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth.’ The Message paraphrase says it like this: All these others made offerings that they’ll never miss; she gave extravagantly what she couldn’t afford—she gave her all!”

Offerings they will never miss vs. All she had to live on

And David sums it up with his statement of, I will not sacrifice a burnt offering that costs me nothing.”

In fact, the same story exists in 2 Samuel 24 and this time David says, “No, I insist on paying you for it. I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing.”

We see a similar story acted out in Genesis 4 with the offerings of Cain and Abel. Abel gives of his absolute best while Cain gives a less enthusiastic offering. The story ends in murder. And interestingly enough it is the one who kept the best for himself and not the one who gave of his best [and thus had less for himself] who ends up doing the killing.

Does our giving cost us? There is Trust involved in this. There is Sacrifice. There is Community.

Or do we ensure that we are comfortable first and have everything we need [and everything we want] and then see what is left and give a small portion of that? Or none at all?

I will not offer worship [sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings] that costs me nothing.

For those of you who are part of a Sunday congregation church, is this possibly a question that could be extended to the community you worship with? Are you at the place you are at on a Sunday because of what it does for you, or because of what you can offer the people there? Or possibly a bit of both. This might be something to think more deeply about [especially if those people all look like you].

Let’s give good and generous gifts. 

[For more thoughts on Money and God and Life, click here]

 

The Koeksuster of Faith [or What Happens when i doubt?] – part II

So yesterday i took a bit of a look at the idea of doubt from the perspective of being someone who is a follower of Jesus.

Is it okay to doubt? Is doubt helpful? Should we be overly worried if there is a lot of doubt in our lives?

Sadly, i was not able to arrive at a simple tick-the-box solution. This area seems to be a bit of a complex one.

Which is okay. Wrestling is good. Don’t give up hope just yet and go running away. Let’s try dig a little deeper.

In my first post, i shared a couple of verses i found in the bible about doubt. But this passage in Mark 9 has always been the most helpful one for me. It is the story of a father with a demon-possessed son who Jesus’ disciples were not able to help and so he appealed to Jesus:

²⁰ So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.

²¹ Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?”

“From childhood,” he answered. ²² “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”

²³ “‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”

²⁴ Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

Two things stand out for me in this story:

[1] The whole ‘If you can’ exchange which speaks loudly into the question of faith.

Once again, there is the presence of doubt [otherwise faith would not be needed, correct?] and the question of where are you going to place your trust? Do you really believe that I am who I say I am and can do what you need Me to do? Well, do you?

[2] The father’s response which is something i cling to often in life, feels so raw and real and just honest.

“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

And i think Jesus appreciated that. Because He seemed to be pretty big on real [not a big fan of the Pharisees who projected one thing while secretly being another]

And this is a statement that describes my faith probably more often than not. And especially over the last three years during our Americaland trip which was a great experience but really tough and difficult in many ways.

“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

When i look at that phrase, i see it as two very different things. i see the ‘i believe’ as being a bigger picture thing. “Yes, Jesus, I have heard that you can do miracles and yes I do believe that you have the ability to heal my son. In the bigger picture, I absolutely believe that you can do this.”

“But I have also lived in the reality of my son not being healed despite much prayer and hope and medical treatment and even taking him to Your very disciples. In the fact of the present moment and circumstances, I really do want this to be true and hope that it will be. But I need your help in overcoming everything in me that says this is not going to happen for me today.”

Does that sound familiar? Or is it just me?[and this guy!]

Is doubt good? Yesterday would seem to suggest no.

Is doubt okay? Today would seem to suggest yes.

WAIT, WHAT? How can something be not good and okay at the same time?

It’s called holding things in tension. Seemingly opposing ideas or traits.

Like can God be a God of Love and a God of Justice at the same time? Sometimes those feel contradictory.

It is God’s love that accepts us just the way we are. It is His justice that refuses to let us remain there.

It is God’s justice that demands the cost of death as a punishment for the sin we all have in our lives. It is His love that sees Him step forward and take the punishment in our place. His Love and Justice are not contradictory – but sometimes we need to hold them in tension to be able to better understand.

In an ideal situation, doubt is not good. But it is real. And it is likely. And as long as when it is there, it causes you to reach towards Jesus and not step away from Him, then i think you will be okay.

Psalm 34.18 reminds us that ‘The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.’ 

To me those are the lowest of places you can possibly be – to have your heart broken, or to see your spirit crushed – both places which will create huge space for the temptation of doubt to appear and bring with it the questions and the accusations and the tantalising possibilities of an alternate path.

When you are faced with that doubt [and i really do believe it is more likely a question of WHEN than IF], be slow to dig up the things you planted in faith and the beliefs you once held firmly to. Remember again why you held strongly to them when you did. Remember when you did experience God’s presence, when you clearly heard Him speak, when you saw Him work and the testimony of a changed life.

Then make sure you head towards God. As you are. Not pretending to have it all together but rather, in the desperation you are in, choking out a prayer of, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

Because sometimes that is all you can manage.

And trust that big mighty universal and loving God, creator and Father, who Loves you so incredibly much, will be able to deal with that and will be able to engage with and encounter you in such a way that your doubt can be dealt with and restored to faith and belief.

That is the tension i live with anyways – “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” – sometimes it feels like a soothing mantra to me. But i would love to hear your thoughts on Doubt – where they are the same and where they are different.

Where have you presently arrived in terms of how you think about and respond to Doubt?

[One of my favourite Twitterer people, @NatePyle79 wrote this piece last year on confronting the lie – ‘God won’t give you more than you can handle’ – worth a read]

[To return to part I of the Koeksuster of Faith, click here]

The Koeksuster of Faith [or What Happens when i doubt?] – part I

A while back someone asked me to write a blog post or series about Doubt and i already had this post’s heading sitting in my draft box waiting to be written.

So today i try to write it…

…and was doing really well…

…at least until i Uncle Googled what the bible had to say about doubt which totally threw my argument on its head.

But let me share it anyway – maybe you’re smarter than me in terms of joining the dots… or maybe this is just messy and worth wrestling with and it’s okay if we don’t reach a definitive result [gasp!]

 

 

What is the opposite of Faith? It’s Doubt.

Was the mantra we had growing up. And it kinda sounds like it makes sense, right? If faith is believing, then doubt which is not believing, must be the opposite.

Until some smug christian-type got up to the mic and boldly declared that, ‘No! The opposite of faith is certainty!’

WAIT? WHAT???

Think about it for a moment. If you are required to have faith, then you can’t be certain about something, and so there must be some measure of doubt present, right?

That made a lot of sense to me. And i stole it and used it in a whole bunch of talks and preaches since then.

It’s not not believing, but more not being absolutely sure that what you are believing in is right.

Faith comes from a place of not being certain and so you need to hold on to something, or express something – that is, faith – to move towards that place.

Which means that Faith and Doubt are like conjoined twins. Or a koeksuster.

Yes, you heard it here first. The Koeksuster of Faith. [An analogy, that if successful enough, will have people bringing koeksusters to camps for me when i speak, you know “so that i can use it for an illustration”]

For those foreigners who don’t know what a koeksuster is, the graphic is pretty self explanatory – sweet crunchy doughy goodness, folded around itself like a braid. It’s hard to tell where one piece ends and the next begins [or is it all just one piece?]

The point i was hoping to make is that doubt it okay. It is normal and natural and okay to have.

That is, until i started reading the book:

From James 1:

6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

In Matthew 21:

21 Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. 22 If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”

And in Matthew 14 when Peter joins Jesus on the water:

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Hokay, so wow, this is where it gets a little complicated. Or maybe simple? Because the strong instruction here seems to be to not doubt.

Not doubting seems to be quite closely tied to the miraculous here [water walking and mountain moving] which i definitely have not personally observed all that much of.

URGH, SO WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE ME?

i did find that on the Internets and i do like that as an idea to consider and wrestle with and maybe hold on to. Your thoughts?

That when doubt strikes or in times of struggling faith, don’t throw out everything that you planted or held to when your faith was there. Because doubt can be something that strikes for a moment or season and sometimes when you’re doubting it can be uber helpful to look back to the times when your faith was strong and remember what sustained you in those times.

i think i would rewrite this as, ‘Be slow to dig up in doubt what you planted in faith.’ Because some things do need to go. Especially if your faith proves to have been misguided or in the wrong thing. But the point is don’t rush to break down things that used to make a lot of sense to you – so important to critique, challenge and question in a healthy way [which, sadly, the church has too often been a little scared to let us do because we might lose all faith and leave the building] but to do so positively and in a way that is healthy and helpful for all concerned.

Then i discovered this short verse in the book of Jude right at the end of the bible, which also brought me some hope:

And in Jude 1:

20 But you, dear friends, by building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, 21 keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.

22 Be merciful to those who doubt; 23 save others by snatching them from the fire; to others show mercy, mixed with fear—hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh.

 The instruction to be merciful to those who doubt. Phew! So doubting is not the ideal situation to be in, but provision is given for me at least.

i have a whole lot more to say on a more personal experiential note, but i will keep that for a follow-up post – in the meantime i will leave you with this inspirational piece of writing to see if you agree with it or not. And i would really love for you to share some thoughts you have on doubt.

Do you think Doubt is always good or always bad? Or do you see there being a helpful relationship between them? And if so, how do you balance that with the verses above? Do they suggest to us that all Doubt is always bad? Tell us what you think.

[For the next part, looking at a more personal wrestling of the faith and doubt question, click here]

To Be A Dad – meet Dave Gale

To be a Dad

I’m heading towards 50, a father to a 19yo son Dylan, and an 18yo daughter Brynn.  I lost my dad this year and I miss him terribly.  I seem to have done a fairly good job of fathering my kids if other people’s unsolicited comments are anything to go by.  There are a good few things I regret not having done, but very few I regret doing. Here are some of my thoughts in response to Brett’s call for “to be a dad” articles.  I hope they resonate with someone and encourage you to be more intentional about fatherhood:

Fatherhood is hard.

Every dad has a large “Learner” plate on his back and seldom admits it.  The lack of good fathering, I firmly believe, is a root cause of many weaknesses in our society, but that’s a whole new topic.  You don’t have to stand alone though, and you have a great role model to follow if you study Him well.  Anyone who views God as a vengeful, aloof, distant deity has clearly not read the bible diligently.  The essence of all I believe about life, finances, career, and fatherhood stems from my understanding of what it means to call God “Father”.

Be there.

The first thing I’d say to any young father is that you need to make time for your kids.  Quality time is good, but quite frankly just showing up for bath time, bed time, reading-to-them time, is better than attending the odd sports day or prize-giving (do make those a priority though!). Later, you might want to be more intentional about time for ‘doing stuff together’ that broadens horizons and minds, and is great for bonding. Pounce on opportunities (no, rather make opportunities!) to have intentional conversations about life; the half hour or so, lifting or walking your kids to school can be life-changing.

Share.

Moms do this naturally; dads don’t. Find other dads who share your principles and conspire with them.  Make time to talk about the challenges; how to enforce boundaries, how to deal with mood swings, defiance, deviant behaviour. A teacher at my son’s school started a movement called Engage Schools, where the school initiated meetings for fathers of boys at the school to get together to hear from older, wiser fathers, and to share their own experiences.  It doesn’t have to be that big – it can be 2 or 3 of you. Grab a beer together, have a braai… but bring up your kids together.

Create traditions and memories.

I regret not doing some sort of coming of age ceremony with our kids. I regret not creating more family traditions (who cares if it only starts with you, if it lasts for generations and creates a means of growing women and men of character and stature in your family!). We decided to view our kids as adults at 16, but unless you mark that somehow, the rest of your family won’t treat them that way and it can be problematic.

Kick the kids out of home.

That really is your job, believe or not.  By the time you are finished fathering, they need to be able to stand alone to a large degree, with a healthy view of who they are; how to be active and constructive members of society and their community and how to be good parents.  If you are a God-fearing man, then you need to have given them the foundation of knowledge of Father God and the means to make their own relationship with Him.

Love and protect their mother (from them!).

One of the best ways of giving your kids the best childhood possible is to love their mother fiercely and openly.  Kids see through pretence like glass.  You chose to be their father and her partner – step up to the plate.  When they get to their teens and your wife’s nurturing role starts to wind down and your preparation-for-the-future role kicks up a gear, you will need to let them know quite clearly that when you promised to love and protect her, it included protecting her from them.  Do not let your kids disrespect or bully your wife, ever.  They will be all the better for it.

Be the hero you’d want them to emulate.

This is hard, but you have to be the person, you’d want them to look up to.  It does not mean you have to hide flaws and be perfect.  It does mean you have to remain true to your principles, stand up for injustice, be the change, not tolerate wrong, apologise when you’ve screwed up, keep going when it is hard.  I have a copy of Rudyard Kipling’s “if” on my office wall; I like to think it applies to fatherhood as much as it does to manhood.  If you won’t be that hero, someone else will and they may not share your values.

Provide.

Tough job, but your kids should never feel that dad will not always be doing his level best to provide food, shelter and security.  I’m not talking about the latest fashion accessories; I’m talking about meeting needs and keeping them safe. You in turn can look to God as Father for that – the Word is full of examples of His faithfulness in this. I can testify to that.

Young adults.

I caught myself in a yelling match with one of my kids over the age of 16, I forget which one.  I remember clearly realising that I was expecting them to behave like an adult just because they wanted me to treat them as one. Not exactly fair when they’ve spent the last 16 years being kids!  When I realised that I had to allow them to still behave like kids while treating them as young adults and gently guiding them into adult behaviour, the stress levels lowered and we stopped fruitlessly yelling at each other.  Home was more pleasant for it.

Give direction and then step back.

As my son stepped through the security gates to catch a plane to the USA to spend 3 months being a leader on a Summer Camp earlier this year, I realised that at that moment there was nothing more I could do for him, he was on his own with only his experiences, observations, learning and Father God to guide him.  It’s worth giving time to thinking about what sort of things you’d want your kids to be able to do if you’re not around any more, from changing a tire or the oil in the car, to applying for a bank loan, to keeping their integrity and soul intact.  Give them direction, give them learning opportunities, then stand back and let them fail.  Help them up again, and be there while they take wing.

I seldom saw my dad after I turned 18 and went to varsity; we lived in different provinces and visited infrequently. I always knew that he loved me unconditionally and that he was there for me if I needed advice or guidance.  It’s my turn to be there for my kids now.  I’m not alone though; no dad has to be.  My dad died while my son was in the US.  Dylan sent me this to read at my dad’s funeral and it completely undid me:

“… I take comfort in knowing that he was the man who made my dad who he is and my dad is the reason I am the way I am today. I will miss him like crazy and never forget him as long as I live.”

It is a privilege to be a dad; don’t waste a moment of it.

[The one glaring omission here is that fathering is meant to be only one side side of the parenting coin. Standing back to back with me at times, but mostly alongside me, is a wonderful, long suffering soul-mate, my wife Barbara, mom to both of my kids. Without a life partner, I can only imagine how hard being a dad must be.]

[To read Tim van de Venter’s thoughts on ‘To Be A Dad’ click here]

[For a whole collection of posts on the theme of ‘To Be A Mom’ click here]