Whose Line do you listen to, anyway?

This week has been a little fighty fighty on the Facebook and i’m not sure why.

i strongly suspect it is linked to the Rugby World Cup that has been happening as touching on that ‘holy grail’ in a country so passionate about the sport definitely touches a nerve. As does most conversation about race.

So in the midst of three days of more ‘taking people on’ than i am typically used to, i had someone post on my wall that he was “troubled by the fact that you have an opinion about everyone and everything” and concerned about something i’d called someone and suggesting i was not being consistent in my beliefs and actions.

Which hurt me a little bit?

WHAT? Brett ‘Fish’ Anderson hurt by something someone said? Well… you know… there’s a difference between ‘Not caring what people think’ and ‘Not caring what people think’.

i think everyone likes to be liked by people. And so when there is a moment of that not happening, it bums us out. Or maybe that’s just me, but there is definitely a moment of: ‘Oh no, someone doesn’t like me’.

When a second person jumped on the first person’s comment to back him up on the fact that i do have rather a lot to say on Facebook and i could be less rude, that didn’t help. [Although we did manage to talk it out and come to a bit more of a happy ending i believe].

WHAT TO DO WITH IT

i’m okay though. i didn’t cry myself to sleep. She may have turned me into a newt, but… i got better! [obscure but brilliant Monty Python reference]

There are a couple of things i feel might be worth mentioning around this, especially for people who constantly challenge and question and wrestle and invite others to do the same: There will be pushback. Not all of that pushback is going to be good or accurate or helpful. But not all of it is going to be bad. Some of it might even be a little bit of both.

So what do you do? Well there is this amazing line in one of Paul’s letters to the Thessalonian church where he talks about ‘Testing the spirits. Holding on to the good and avoiding every kind of evil.’ Which is excellent advice.

Was what was said about me true? Was it totally true or was there any truth in there? If so, pay attention to it, learn and move on. [Maybe thank the person for pointing it out!]

If it’s not true at all, then let it go. i was talking to tbV about it in the car a little later and she reminded me about some things some other people had been saying to me recently which were helpful and true. They helped me to put both of these things in perspective.

INVITE ACCOUNTABILITY CAREFULLY

One thing that was interesting was that both comments on this particular thread came from people i don’t think i’ve had any interaction with for years. Which doesn’t mean what they said was not true. But it does suggest that there is a lack of relationship and so i hold it a little more loosely than when my good buddy Bruce Collins challenged me on a stance i was taking on Facebook a few weeks ago and warned me that he thought i had crossed a line.

You see, i have invited Bruce to speak into my life. i have no doubt that he loves me and he has championed me and encouraged me and cheered when i have done well and loved me so much that when he questions something, it still hurts [who likes to be told they are wrong?] but i know it can be trusted. i won’t necessarily always agree with him either [because we’re different people although we definitely agree on more than we disagree on] but i will listen and really dig deeply into what i said and question it because i know it was spoken in love.

i imagine everyone’s process works differently. But the way it typically works for me is that if someone challenges me i will probably give immediate reaction push-back, but i will go and think about it later and it might take a day or two for me to process and realise, ‘Oh wait, actually they were right’ which means having to go back, tail between my legs and apologise to them and thank them for challenging me. But it happens.

And you don’t have to have good relationship with me to hold me accountable. i expect and invite everyone to hold me accountable for everything i say and do – i realise i live a bit of a public life and so that is completely necessary. But then there are certain people who i love and trust and have no doubt they love and trust me who i have invited to jump in when they see me out of line and bring rebuke and caution and challenge and so i am more likely to listen to them more easily and quickly than someone who is not.

Which makes a lot of sense. Because as i mentioned before, i am speaking/writing/sharing a lot about Race and Reconciliation and Christianity and Relationships and more and some of these topics get pretty heated. It would not be wise to agree with everything said to me in response to conversations had around those topics. But it is good to have some trustworthy people specifically watching my back on these to help keep me in line.

i am so grateful that my pool of people i trust to speak this kind of Truth in Love into my life is so huge. It is not easy being the person who brings the caution/challenge/rebuke as it is not easy being the person who receives it. But it is so crucially important and necessary to ensure a life that is consistent with beliefs, that will hopefully be used to be a part of significant conversation and action.

What has your experience with accountability been? Giving it or receiving it? Who are the people who you have invited to speak Truth in Love when it counts? 

[For some other thoughts on Friendship, click here]

How to be an Ally: Intro

When i was looking for an image to reflect the idea of becoming an Ally i found this poster and really liked it. Because the question that i am wrestling with at the moment is just that: How to Be a Better Ally, specifically when it comes to matters of Race.

And possibly one of the biggest pieces of this puzzle is that the answer should not have to come from people of colour.

How to Lose a Friend in Ten Ways – part Late and Worse

Let’s face it, most of us are going to be late occasionally. But it’s when you make it a consistent habit that it becomes annoying and it is another character trait that can really affect a friendship. Especially if you do it enough that you become known as ‘that guy/that girl’.

[And it might be important to throw in a cultural disclaimer here cos this is definitely a very western time-focused mindset to have and other cultures have different ways of viewing time which are not worse just because they are not mine so that would be an interesting conversation to have – any thoughts on time?]

But going back to those who know and understand the cultural norm and continue to disregard it. STOPPIT! i imagine a lot of people are unaware that they are doing it or just don’t care enough to make a change.

And at the very least you can send a text or a call to let the people know you are running late – especially when it’s a movie or a function and people might be waiting for you to start. It is just a lot of rudeness to know that you are running late and not inform the person organising the event and your lateness affects their plans.

This is something Cape Town people seem to be particularly bad at. We really have to get better. It can be incredibly frustrating.

CALL ME MAYBE

A little p.s on this one for all the Facebookers out there. While Facebook Event ‘Yesses’ are definitely far from being a complete science, it would be a lot more helpful if we could become more honest with our responses.

The way i interpret a Facebook event “Yes” is as a maybe and a “Maybe” is definitely a no. It would be helpful if we just say what we mean. No one is going to lose a friendship over you saying ‘No’ to their event – they have invited 100 people and probably won’t even notice. But when you “maybe” it gives hope, and when you “yes” it gives expectation and so rather just stick to your actual anticipated answer to make things that little bit easier for those trying to run an event.

If i accidentally invited you to an event forgetting you are currently in another country, your “yes” really is unhelpful.

This is quite an easy one to change all around – being late is usually solved through a bit of pre-planning or organisation of the day in advance. And being more accurate on Facebook events feels like a no brainer.

What about you? What bad habits do people have that make it hard for you to be friends with them? Share them in the comments.

[For other bad habits that people have which make them less than stellar friends, click here]

Taboo Topic: Cancer – Journeying with Aaron [Testicular Cancer] – Part Glimpses and Truths

Continuing to share some of Aaron’s story of his journey with and away from testicular cancer which you can find in full over here, i decided to grab three sections from three longer posts to share some of the insights he gained along the way as well as some of the challenges he faced and encouragements he received along the way. There is something for us all to learn here:

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With no power comes much less responsibility [which is nice]

Mind over matter extends to attitude and optimism, and I still feel very optimistic about this whole cancer thing. But mind over matter isn’t about control, and it’s been truly humbling to learn that. Cancer and chemo are going to battle inside my body for awhile – that’s the deal. I can view it through whatever-colored lenses I choose, but I can’t control the process. I can’t make the pain submit to my will. I’m not an Expendable.

I’ve touched on this before, but recognizing how little you’re in control? It’s a valuable experience. More than ever, I have to accept that I’m not in charge. I’m not God and my plans may not be His.

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It’s cancer but you can call it “Terriballs” if you want to

“Cancer’s not the bad word it used to be.” That’s what one of the lab technicians told me as I had to do insane breathing exercises that simulated blowing up balloons underwater or something. “Yes,” I told her, “you can even say it on network television now.” We went on to discuss health care, our faith lives, and how much she loves Bones, but I keep thinking about how she casually downgraded the word “cancer”… and how badly I needed to hear it.

Cancer. That dang word has been one of my biggest obstacles. I fear pity and I hate worry, so I want to distance myself from a word that carries such weight and stigma. I wish I could call my condition something like testiculitis, or terriballs, or a bad case of the nutz. (Probably the first one.) Most of the time, when you drop the word cancer, it lands on the floor with a shatter, sending shock waves of seriousness through the conversation. It hints at mortality and suffering. It turns goofy laughter into tight, serious smiles with sympathetic eyes. That never happens when you just have terriballs.

Chemo, too. The moment I name drop “chemo,” I know people are trying to imagine me 20 pounds lighter and minus a head of hair. In movies, characters who go through chemo almost always die at the end, especially if Abigail Breslin won’t give them her bone marrow. American vernacular has given the word a ring of hopelessness.

I’m not trying to say chemo and cancer aren’t serious or difficult. They are. But they’re large, encompassing words that include a variety of experiences. I’ve been feeling owned by these words, by their ability to put me in a box, to define me in the eyes of others.

But now I’m realizing: I’m the one with the mouth. I’m the one with the pen, the keyboard. I get to define cancer as it applies to me. I don’t have to write “cancer” or “chemo” apologetically. I don’t have to say them carefully, with a wince. They’re my words now and I will use them in whatever flippant fashion I SO PLEASE. “Yeah, dude, just zippin’ on over to chemo to do a little cancer blastin’, then we can ron-day at Chili’s and watch the sports contest.” I don’t really talk like that, but I think you get the idea. Cancer? Chemo? You guys are mere nouns to me right now.

Maybe it’ll still stop others in their tracks. Maybe the words will grow heavier on me as time passes. I’m not sure yet. But if I precede those nouns with odd, pregnant pauses, then I’m giving power to something that doesn’t deserve it. For now, the only time I’ll say “cancer” with a somber tone is if I’m trying to get a free appetizer at Chili’s.

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Hairless & Magically Healing like E.T.

I’ve spent most of 2013 either in bed or in a medically reclining chair. Chemo, especially as you get deeper into your cycles, zaps you of energy. And when you’re lacking energy, you start to feel like you’re lacking your own personhood. Narcissism creeps in and you start to believe that the world won’t really keep going while you’re down. Nothing all that important will happen without you – you write topical tweets about the news, for Pete’s sake! But the world forgets and the days fall by the wayside and when time passes without you and you’ve contributed nothing to the world, you feel like the disease is stealing some of your personality. (I mean, looking through these tumblr posts chronologically, I can see my joke-to-paragraph ratio fall to a point where I worry if solemnity is becoming me.)

But then, like E.T., something comes along with a magical healing touch (and bald head) and helps remind you who you are. As you may have seen in my twitter feed, my co-workers made the incredibly touching decisions of shaving their heads. It’s a tried-and-true move of solidarity, but it still feels (and is) incredibly personal. As they sent me pictures of their half-shorn heads through the evening, a tear may have formed in the crinkle of my eye. It’s not just that it was for me – it’s that it had the goofiness, whimsy, and, yes, ballsiness I would have wanted it to have. It reminded me of who I am day-to-day, when I’m not stuck in a bed. It was a welcome jolt, a refreshing laugh. It was a deeply felt and appreciated act. It made me feel like maybe the world is spinning without me, but damn it there are people who are determined to make sure my mark on it doesn’t easily disappear. Somehow, I keep getting luckier.

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You can follow Aaron Fullerton on the Twitterer at @AaronFullerton

[To read some more of the posts i have shared from Aaron’s blog, click here]

[For other Taboo Topic stories of people struggling with cancer, click here]

How to Lose a Friend in Ten Ways – part Rudely Excited

Hm, this is a bit of a difficult one as i think i only know one person who does this. And it’s me!

But maybe you know someone else. And i think i’m getting better although it does take a lot of work.

Did you ever know someone who interrupted you when you were speaking purely because they were so excited about what they had to say [as opposed to intentionally wanting to interrupt or anything] and in my case quite possibly also because of the likelihood of me forgetting what it is before i get my chance.

But it’s rude. And i’m guilty. And as i said i’ve been getting better at not interrupting or catching myself halfway through as i do, but there is still work to be done.

i believe the underlying belief with this one is that what i have to say is more important than what you have to say. i have this idea that is so great, that it can’t wait and needs to be expressed now. How terrible is that? Anyone, besides me, coming to mind?

And i don’t think that in the moment you are sitting there thinking, “Man, this thing i thought of to say is better than anything else going on here” but that is kind of the message that gets sent. It probably ties in a little bit with the not properly listening one although in my case i think it is usually triggered by something someone says and so i want to respond straight away instead of waiting my turn.

i can only imagine how frustrating that must be to the one being interrupted and i’m sorry. But this is another one that needs to be worked at and stopped altogether. One solution i’ve found that works is holding a finger up to remind me that i have something to say and it usually reminds me of what it is i want to say as well. But then making sure i let the person finish speaking completely before jumping in. And continue to listen and engage well with what they are saying.

What other habits do you see in your friends worth writing a post about to warn those who may not be aware that they do it? What irritates you the most about bad habits people have that cause you to be wary of befriending them?

[For the next part in this series looking at being Late and ticking ‘Maybe’ to FB events]

How to Lose a Friend in Ten Ways – part Just Me

So far we’ve looked at the Early Responder and the Planner Aheader as two types of friends that should really look at upping their game, and this third habit is right up there.

Did you ever know someone who spoke about themself. Like always. Like non-stop. Incessantly? i knew someone like that and it quickly became quite tiring. You spend an hour with your friend and realise that you’ve only said five sentences? That the person spoke for forty minutes non-stop and then turned the conversation to something about you and within a minute had sequed it back to being something about them. Or segwayed as i like to say. They totally segwayed it back to being about them…

And about as exciting, incidentally. While it is important and worthwhile and good to hear about your friend, it can be a bit much if it is always about them, all the time.

How about you? Know anyone like this? Found any remedy for it or do you just spend less time with them unless you just want to be alone with someone else present?

[For the next part looking at someone so excited they interrupt, click here]

How to Lose a Friend in Ten Ways – part Planning Ahead

LISTEN FIRST

A slightly more subtle one, which i have found myself guilty of, is composing an answer or response while the person is speaking [to give once they are finished] instead of giving them your full attention.

While this is not [to me] as bad as responding before someone has finished, this also shows a less than complete interest in what the person you are talking to is saying to you. It also suggests that you know what they are going to say rather than giving them the opportunity to surprise you or misdirect or story twist or anything like that.

It’s lazy. And it’s less than fully loving. And if you want to be a better friend and this is something you do, then you should stop.

I have found it really is about focus and being intentional. i find i tend to slip into this more when i am tired and so often it’s just a case of knowing when to dive into a deep conversation or when it might be better to postpone it til another time when you can be more focused.

So not a game changer i don’t think. Just something that if you do it you need to work on. But how about you? Have you ever found yourself doing this? Have you suspected someone else of doing it to you? How strongly do you feel about this?

[For the one about that friend that always speaks only about themselves, click here]