Category: and other animals.


No_bob

Many of you will know of No_bob, the world’s most famous stuffed dolphin. But you may not know the story.

In 2000 i flew to the UK to earn some money teaching [due to an unfortunate police clearance incident i only ended up doing five days of actual teaching which was a high-or-low-light of itself and mostly looked after old people or University professors, who were about equally competent] so that i could join Youth With A Mission in Holland and go and save the world, or something. Continue reading

death

“THAT… IS COMPLETE AND UTTER… RUBBISH!” D muttered, before slamming the door on his way out.

B hated his roommate!

Oh sure, it had seemed like a good idea at the time. Move in with Death? Everyone had been completely jealous. What in the world could be more exciting than that?

And to be honest, in the beginning it had been.

The thrill of watching the sand slowly pouring through the hourglasses. Sneaking a quick peek at whose time was coming next when the old boneshaker was asleep [or at least his version of ‘asleep’ which really meant sitting upright on a chair at the dining table with a pillowcase over his skull to block out some of the light – it could be fairly disconcerting if you walked into the room and found him there].

B’s personal highlight was watching Death struggle awkwardly every single time he mounted his horse Binky before he took off on a job. Every. Single. Time. Why he, Death, chose to ride a real live horse was beyond him. Something dramatic no doubt. Death was nothing short of dramatic.

And yet, as time passed, and in this apartment time really did pass, the initial thrill had worn off quickly.

Death had refused to let him take a look at his own hourglass, muttering something about it not being in the rules, and had kept it well hidden in a secured location somewhere B had as yet been unable to discover.

Oh, and let’s face it, B thought to himself yet again, Death was also a bit of a dick.

He paused for a moment and looked back at his painting. It really wasn’t THAT bad, he thought, before slipping his brush back into the grey and dabbing at the bowl of fruit he was trying to re-create. His mind returned once more to his thoughts about his roommate.

He refused to do his share of the dishes, he always left stuff lying around the apartment, who knows WHAT that thing was in the container right at the back of the fridge – it was beginning to smell beyond bad, and if he paid the most careful of attention as he moved his eyes away from looking directly at it, his peripheral vision was pretty convinced it was starting to move.

B poked once more at the banana, which was starting to look a bit like a… like a… well, clearly not all that much like a banana. He carefully put down the brush, and sighed.

It wasn’t like he didn’t have time to clear up after Death. His own work was so tedious, he was frankly glad any time he came home to find any form of distraction to busy himself with. After another hard day of what? Distributing kitten and baby videos on the various social network platforms. Organising weather forecasts for London.School history orals, political speakers, library visits and apartment bathroom floor tile selection. Not quite the stuff to make a poor ageing mum proud.

‘Maybe I am jealous? Could that be it?’

B picked up his latest creation. ‘Creation’ is a bit of a strong word for this, he thought to himself. ‘Attempt.’ Yes, that’s better. Just.

He took it into his bedroom and tossed it uncaringly on the pile with all the others. Take up a hobby? Whatever had he been thinking?

He threw himself on to his bed and within minutes he had completely succumbed to ennui and despair.

‘Ooh, this is good,’ he thought out loud. ‘This i can use. Perhaps i shall keep that up after all.’

= = = = = = = = = = = =

[With a wink and a nod to the late legend, Terry Pratchett, whose portrayal of Death [my absolute favouritest character of his] i borrowed from to help make my story realer, and whose birthday it would have been yesterday as i wrote this]

= = = = = = = = = = = =

This post is part of a tandem blogging exercise with 9 other bloggerists. One title unwrapped by nine bloggerists. We realise that 9 is a lot of posts to read, but there is a lot of great stuff to be looked at, so please do your best. Why not start with Cath’s post over here, followed by Scott which you can find over here. Welcome Kerry who is new to the team by reading what she came up with over here. Then the rest of the posts can be found below. Maybe bookmark this page and spend the next week checking all of them out. Please share your thoughts on our fun exercise in the comments on each post, and remember that with bloggerists, sharing is always caring. 

Cath: https://t.co/98AE4tkase

Scott: http://squidsquirts.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-art-of-boredom.html

Kerry: https://t.co/zEWHwIT1kh

James: http://www.jamespreston.org/2015/04/the-art-of-boredom.html

Megan: http://www.meganshead.co.za/the-art-of-boredom

Sarah: https://t.co/rHoS76QhMt

Dave: http://t.co/2G0tFmSrSn

Nick: https://medium.com/@nick_frost/the-art-of-boredom-e5da71765c91

[To see the first Tandem Post i did with the title, ‘Meeting the Queen’, click here]

If you composed a highlight reel from your life, i wonder for how many of you Richard Branson would make an appearance.

Well he does for me, and actually as i was putting this together i remembered it was actually on two very different occasions… Continue reading

i have lived [and continue to live] a full life…

The other day i posted about how my wife organised Black Widow and Hulk costumes so that we could watch the new Avengers: Age of Ultron movie dressed up.

i also returned home from my trip to Durban to find that she had discovered an old stack of photos from my life with some really crazy hairstyles and some crazier life moments documented right there before her eyes. Continue reading

Chasing LOL – part III

Oh sure, you type LOL, but not while you are ever actually laughing out loud – you wouldn’t have the stability…

But in the meantime let’s take some time out to appreciate five more quotes from my favourite actual LOL guy, Jack Handey:

Lol1

‘Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are.’ [Jack Handey]

lol2

‘One thing that a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.’ [Jack Handey]

lol3

‘I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.’ [Jack Handey]

lol4

‘To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.’ [Jack Handey]

lol5

‘Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.” [Jack Handey]

Any of these come close to making you really actually LOL? Or do you have your own favourite Jack Handey to share? Let us know in the comments section below…

[To return to the beginning of this Jack Handey series and read more quotes, click here] 

skill

It started with great timing and a Facebook status i stumbled upon: Skillet play at Freedom Festival 27 april, Cape Town Ostrich farm. Want to win tickets from me??

Now to give this some perspective, Skillet have for the longest time been my bonus favourite band… for many years of my life i listed four bands as my top 4: U2, Coldplay, R.E.M., Tree63 and then Skillet was next in line. So understudy in case any of the others stopped playing. And despite them having released something like 9 albums of which i have most of them, i think some of my favourite memories and moments still come from their first self-titled album and i hurt my neck plenty head-banging by myself in my room when the house was empty with the music turned full blast to the words of ‘I can’ and ‘My Beautiful Robe’

skills

From ‘My Beautiful Robe’:

I was crucified with Christ
But how come I’m not dead
God gave me a cross
But I made my own instead

Complete Lyrics of ‘I can’

Looking on the sad times, the guilt and all the shame
I have learned to submit my existing hurts and pains
All the grief I’ve learned to set aside

‘Cause I am, I am, I am
Feeling underooted feeling undermined
Can this grace of God cover me this time?

When I feel the pain I know why I feel strange
When I hear the rooster crow I am ashamed
Jesus on the cross and this cross upon my back
I have learned to submit then I whine about my lack

Sometimes I drop my cross, deserve a little rest
That’s when I run to you and I nail your feet and your wrist

I’m feeling underooted feeling undermined
Can this grace of God cover me this time?

Do you really love my soul, even after I hated you?
Do you really know my name, can I really come to you?
Are you really more faithful than the changing of the seasons and the morning sun?
Do you really know my name, can I really come to you?
I can, I don’t care if the rooster crows
I can

The point being that i love this band and have enjoyed and appreciated their music for many years and so getting the opportunity to see them live in concert feels like a huge gift. Honest, edgy lyrics that really grab at the heart and the soul of the truth being discussed made for much incredible music wrestlings over the years.

skillet

Then Andrea Steyn [who you can get tickets for this amazing gig from] took it one further today by writing this question on my wall:

Do you want to have a chance to meet the band?

Do raiSINs have the word sin in them? Some questions just don’t need to be asked. So while ‘Do you want to have a chance to meet the band?’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘You will definitely have a chance to meet the band!’ i’m gonna go with Jim Carrey on this one from Dumb and Dumber… “So you’re saying there’s a chance?”

And so, whether or not it actually materialises or not, i thought it would be a fun activity either way to invite you to help me compile a question list so that if i was to meet the band and get a chance to ask them a question or two, what questions would those be?

Skillet fans, this is for you. If you got to meet the band and had the chance to ask one question, what would that be? Leave it in the comments section below and who knows, if this happens, maybe yours will be one of the fortunate ones to go live…

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Sadly, i got this message today: I have unfortunately bad news, that the concert has to be postponed until the summer time. Big upset with some organisational thing I wasn’t privy to. – And so, for the time being it looks like this will be on hold, but in the meantime you can keep your questions coming…

[And now, without further ado, our prompt (optional as always) for Day Eight: today I challenge you to write a palinode. And what’s that? It’s a poem in which the poet retracts a statement made in an earlier poem.]

It has always been you

It has been claimed

This by myself

In previous Aubade,

That coffee was

The thing i dreamt of

When in bed i laid

However, when my wife it read

She was not quite amused

So like a biased judge i now

Consider me recused

You see, she’s always been the one

My lady, tbV

[aka the beautiful Val]

Who slumbers beside me

This “coffee” was a passing fad

A once-off dalliance

And i will make it up to her

If given half a chance

[a little p.s. i must add

if you could keep this quiet

you will know why and understand

just as soon as you try it

i have made peace with my dear wife

we’re stronger than we’ve been

as long as she does never find

my drug patch of caffeine]

[For the next poem in the challenge which is a calligram aka shape poem, click here]

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