rai

Anyone can point out real evil, the genuine kind of evil that is actually evil [and knows it!]  and there is clearly enough of it in the world to go around…

But what takes real skill and precision is being able to discern the evil that not everybody notices – the more subtle evil that parades itself right in front of peoples’ faces and which most people will be able to stare directly at without flinching. or even giving it a second thought.

This particular type of evil is usually to be found in different types of so-called food, although on occasion is may take on other forms and it is high time that somebody drew some attention to it.

Don’t be alarmed if this list does not seem quite right to you – with this particular brand of evil, everyone will have their own list, but you may nod your head somberly at some of the items, knowing that they too would make your own personal list.

What am i talking about? well, in an absolutely overwhelmingly particular order [as this list is completely relative] from not quite so evil to absolutely bastardly evil [oh i know you know what that is going to be] i’m talking about The Evil List Feb 2015. i have decided to make it date specific as i imagine tastes and fears change and something that seemed really quite evil may be overtaken by something that was pretending to be just a little evil. But for now this is…

THE EVIL LIST

#10 Likes instead of Shares – let’s be honest internet people, if you really liked a thing you would share it, liking is along the lines of saying to a new mom, “Your baby has character” when we all know what you really mean. Sharing is, “I might even consider holding your baby if you’re absolutely convinced it’s not going to throw up on me.” Likes is, “I want you to invite me to your birthday party”, whereas a Share suggests that, “I am going to invite you to mine!”

#9 Survivor spoilers [or spoilers in general] – maybe take a moment to realise not everyone in the whole world is going to be watching Survivor at the exact same moment as you and so tweeting, “I can’t believe Trevoux won!!!!” two seconds after it happens might be unhelpful and ragifying for people, say, watching it on another coast or in another country. The flip side of this is people who do not let you mention what was so significant about the Bruce Willis role in Sixth Sense because they haven’t seen it yet. IT’S BEEN 16 YEARS PEOPLE. Spoilers have a statute of limitations. Within a week = too much. Seven years after the fact = you’re probably fine.

#8 Traditional Emoticons [this used to just be emoticons but since Facebook brought out angry clam, dancing Snoopy and Fishface man, i think we need to be a little more specific]

#7 Freaky Giant Emoticons [how do you ruin a perfectly evil traditional emoticon? simple – enlarge it 15 times and make it take up my whole message box and seem like it is laughing at me]

#6 Adam Sandler movies. i’m not taking about when he used to be good, like in ‘The Wedding Singer’ and ‘Happy Gilmour’ – i’m talking about the last five or ten where he has phoned in the script, casting and acting. Note to self: Stop watching Adam Sandler movies. This one is not the one that will make it all better. Oh and Will Ferrell movies too. He’s okay as an animated voice.

#5 “I took the [insert tv programme/movie character/weather pattern/type of Victorian door knob] test and I’m HufflePuff.” To be honest, number 5 feels a bit generous to this one. This needs to END RIGHT NOW. You are not going to be Hermione Granger. With your skills, let’s face it, ‘Guy in Red Shirt’ on original Star Trek episode is about the best you have to hope for.

#4 Cat videos. And baby videos. [I understand that you like cats and babies, but i really think there should be some etiquettal law about keeping them on your own page. Although one day i finally will make that video of a kitten riding on the back of a baby and the internet is going to implode] My friend Sam gets a bye on this one, but only as far as cat pictures with fun sayings on them.

#3 Cooked pineapple [actually probably any cooked/stewed fruit but pineapple gets the special nod because it ruins perfectly good bacon-encrusted pizzas. “Hey, this fruit tastes good, let’s make it evil by cooking it!”]

#2 Gerkhins and Olives – [i’m not sure they’re not the same thing but i would give them an equal quotient of evil points because they ruin otherwise perfect sandwiches and salads and empty jars with weird toilet water in them]

#1 raiSINs [number 1 is unlikely to ever change – it even has the word ‘SIN’ hidden in the word, that’s how obvious this particular one is – and no it doesn’t matter if you have them in things or if you have them by themselves or if you lyingly try to convince me “You won’t taste them!” They are the evilest of non traditional evil and they must be stopped!] it is a known fact that all squishy fruits are evil and so sultanas, currants, prunes all go into this category, but raiSIN is their king.

Special mention must go to people who push into lines [standing or driving], cigarette butts out of car windows [or litter in general], pepper [yes, the condiment, it literally only makes things taste like pepper], lighting up your cellphone screen during a movie [you had better not be in throwing distance, coins hurt!] and people who only use two words, or even worse, two letters, on your birthday to wish you a happy birthday,  [although people who use a sentence or more are right up there in my loves list!]

How do your feel about my evil list? Do you think giant freaky emoticons are not as bad as recent Will Ferrell movies? Would you bump cat videos above the culinary heatment of pineapple? And what items from your evil list didn’t feature on mine at all?