craigb

This is Craig’s adaptation of someone else’s comments:

Ten Things Your Single Friends (like me) Are Tired Of Hearing

1) “You’ll find it when you aren’t looking!”

This is typically where your advice starts. ”It’ll come along when you least expect it,” is also “You’ll find it when you aren’t looking“ This is a ridiculous and retarded statement. We’re programmed to look for it. It’s in our genetic make-up, God make us this way. That’s like saying, “hey, you know that dream career you want? forget working at it. It’ll happen when you least expect it. One day you’ll be walking down the street and BAM you’ll be a CEO. And it’ll be success after success for years after, but don’t work for it or anything like that. Just maybe chill out on this couch. It’ll come to you.” You need to stop telling us not to look for it, because let me tell you something, there have been times I have been looking for a pen and instead some serendipitous moron came along that I thought could have been my princess (but turned out instead to be the ugly step-sister) and there have been days and times and months and years where I wasn’t looking for it, and guess what came along? A jar of Nutella and a few bananas between some slices of bread.

2) “You can’t be happy in a relationship unless you’re happy with yourself first.”

This is true. BUT even though there are those of us who ARE actually happy with who we are, God make us to be part of a couple. Brett. I’m happy with myself. I’m so happy with myself I actually wake up every morning and brush my teeth with rainbows. Seriously though, “finding yourself” is a process in life, and I don’t think you’re ever really “done,” per se. Am I completely different person than I was in college? Not entirely. Have I gone through a ton of real world experiences that have changed my outlook and made me stronger, happier, more independent, and more of a catch? Yes. Am I happy with myself? Yes. Will I continue to grow and change and all that stuff that humans do until they die? With God’s grace, Yes. Consider that it’s not that all of us happy single people need someone in our lives to dote on us and make us happier, it’s that we’re finally happy and we want someone to share it with. Also, a lot of you “happy” people in relationships seem like you need to have a few weeks on your own to evaluate yourselves. The incessant need for your boyfriend to text you back within thirty seconds after a text may not be the best proof surrounding your statement. Try again.

3) “You’re still young, you got all the time in the world.”

You’re still annoying. We don’t give care how old we are. Age isn’t really what we’re complaining about. And although many of us are young, we still have examples of people who are old and alone every day. And that’s terrifying. So your logic is moot.

4) “You deserve someone who wants to give you everything.”

Hey, I couldn’t agree more. Actually after hearing this a couple dozen times it makes me feel like you’re just saying it to avoid the conversation about how depressing it is that no one has come along yet. You could list a million reasons why I’m worth all the love and unicorns and mermaids in the world, and I would be on your page a hundred percent. As a matter of fact, I would have written more pages after we were both done being on your page, so that we could also be on those pages as well. So now that I know what I deserve, what clever thing do you have to say that will make me feel better about the fact that I still don’t have what I deserve?

5) “You’re looking in the wrong places.”

This one’s particularly good. Because then I get to ask the follow up question of “then please tell me where I should be looking.” Tell me more about this magical land that you found your significant other? OH, was it CHURCH? Or WORK? Or was it the GYM? Or The running or Cycling club? Or were you SET UP? Please tell me, because I guarantee, I have had some type of dating experience with someone from each place you say is the “right” place to look. You people seem to think that all of us single people just go out to bars and get trashed and try to marry the first thing that comes along. I don’t even visit bars, although I am considering it to drown out your stupid advice!

6) ”You should try online dating!”

And you should try seeing how much of your head you can fit into an oven. I’ve tried it. Internet dating is essentially Craigslist missed connections with direct messaging and a few more pictures from 10 years ago. OKCupid, Match.com, Christianmingle (WHY GOD, WHY) all of these sites are probably the WORST place to find real love. Love isn’t something that you should have to read manifestos and “6 things I can’t live without” sections to find. It’s probably one of the most inorganic ways to find someone, in my opinion, and I’m not knocking it (my sister found her husband on internet dating), but one grows tired of the likes of “Your dream girl”, the recently divorced mother of three, (from 3 fathers). The rest are too busy to even get together for coffee.

7) “You’re too picky.”

OH, I’M SORRY. Please, lead me to your lair of Boyle look-a-likes and Frankenstein’s with kind hearts. Let’s be clear, I’m not picky, but I’m not going to settle for the wrong person either. I’ve asked out plenty of women, just because it doesn’t work out doesn’t mean I’m too picky!!!!

8) “There are plenty of fish in the sea.”

I don’t even have anything to say for this. There’s too much rage from number 7.

9) “You need to put yourself out there more.”

Unless I need to be naked on the corner of Monument and Dan Rd. throwing money in the air and simultaneously holding a puppy, I think I’m doing a pretty good job. But hey, if you have any more advice on REALLY putting myself out there, let me know. Maybe existing as a human being and going places and meeting people in the world just isn’t enough.

10) “I’m Engaged!”

Ja, well… whoopy!

[To hear some thoughts from Chantelle Finaughty on the topic of what she would like her Married Friends to know, click here]

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