dirtydreads

of Dreadlocked hair

so the other day i was hanging in Durban with one of my best friends, Dreadlocked Mike [he has dreads, it’s not just a clever name!]

i took a wefie [selfie with more than one person?] of the two of us and stuck it onto the book of Faces [as one does]

within about ten minutes, someone who is one of those Facebook friends who is a Facebook friend but not really a friend friend [you know what i’m talking about] posted a comment on the picture that said, “Have to be honest i have never liked dreadlocks they always make a persons hair look dirty.”

i wasn’t sure why David had to be honest about that. in face i’m pretty sure he didn’t HAVE to be honest. but for some reason he chose to be.

some what-the-flip hilarity ensued as spouses and friends jumped in and formed an impromptu ‘be-nice-to-the-dreads campaign altho i think Mike’s “I wish you were near Dave, so I could give you lice” was probably the winner.

of Pregnant women

my friend Hannah from Durban [maybe insulting people is a Durban thing?] posted this as her status the other day that really made me angry:

Not sure why someone would think it’s ok to say to a preggie woman – ” your face is changing, you must be having a girl – she’s stealing your beauty”!!!!

what was worse than just the stupidity of that statement was that two or three other woman posted below it that they had had the same thing said to them when they were pregnant. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You’re having a baby and it’s making you face ugly… i wonder if that person HAD to be honest?

Other comments below hers included:

Or tell you that your bums getting big! Must be a girl!!!

When I was pregnant with Jordan I was standing in the queue at the shops to pay for groceries. The lady in front of me (who I have never seen before) turns around and says ” You must be having a girl because your face is all drawn and pale. You don’t look so good”. I was so shocked. I politely thanked her and said that I normally looked like that and I was having a boy. I actually did not know what to say next.

Oh dear i just had ladies at spar say that to me but i have BOY! I was speechless

of Fat

i’ve had people who i don’t know all that well meeting me at some random place or other and commenting on how fat i’m looking or tried the slightly friendlier ‘putting on weight line’ – they don’t always say it, but you can tell they’re thinking, ‘Just have to be honest’ and i’ve never really understood that.

now my buddy Reegs has on occasion told me i’m gaining a bit of weight and i totally welcome it from him – we have 15 plus years of relationship and he has earned the right to say that kind of thing and i actually appreciate it when he has because i can have a valued opinion, expressed in love, from someone i know and trust.

but you, random person, do not. not to me, not to my wife, not to anyone you really don’t know all that well.

and it doesn’t matter if you feel for some strange reason like you HAVE TO BE HONEST.

because i just might have to be honest back, “I think your ugly is kicking up a notch” or perhaps, “Oh dear, looks like your stupid is spreading.”

i don’t think i’d eve say any of those things [out loud] to anyone… but i really don’t understand why some people say some of the things they say to people, especially those they kinda half know or don’t really know at all… or maybe i do?

if you don’t have anything positive to say…

people panic. i’ve concluded that that is where this comes from.

faced with a person, having done the ‘how are you?’ ‘i’m fine’ [even though i’m really not but you weren’t actually interested when you posed the question so why should i tell you] dance, there is a silence and we all hate silences and someone needs to fill it and so, “um, babies make you ugly” 

stop it. it’s not necessary. take an extra five seconds before you speak. breathe in. think of something positive to say. or keep quiet. if your ‘I have to be honest’ is likely to make the other person feel bad then KEEP IT TO YOURSELF! You might feel you have to be honest, but there is really no need to be mean.

sometimes, i imagine it’s well-meaning [especially some of the pregnant stuff but if so, take a look at this helpful piece i stumbled upon on Facebook while writing this] but i think all it really takes is a moment or two of empathy, of pretending you are the receiving person and being all, “Wait, you just called me fat? That wasn’t fun” or something like that.

when you have deep-seated many-yeared relationship with people, then there might be a time when they invite that kind of sharp-edged honesty and that is when you should feel free to be able to say things [still absolutely smothered in love] like these…

How about you? Ever had anyone say anything to you about your weight, hair, pregnant state that seemed a little less than polite? 

Advertisements